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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex partner assaulted me now and ive found out in pregnant

61 replies

Hello6678 · 05/06/2025 11:43

So as the title says, he assaulted me on Tuesday morning. He came home from drinking bender demanding the car keys so he could go back to his home town which is about 45 min car journey away.

obviously I wasn’t handing them over so he’s shoved me round and headbutted me! got me on the floor and twisted my arm up my back to get the keys from me.

he’s left and I’ve called the police who attended and took photos of my injuries but he still hasn’t been arrested yet.

I went to see my friend on Tuesday night with my son (who was upstairs in bed whilst all this was going on) and decided to take a pregnancy test because for some reason I actually wanted to have a child with this creature and we were actively trying . And it’s positive ! I haven’t told him.

I don’t know what to do, 75% of me is saying get rid of it, can’t bring a baby into this messy situation and I’d be tied to him forever, he is chaos ! But 25% of me is wanting to keep it, I wanted this baby , can I do it by myself ? I know it will be hard but … I just don’t know!!

He’s not always been this way, this is the first time (and last) he’s assaulted me. And I’m just so shocked that he has assaulted me.

he has been on a drinking session a few times before and come back at stupid o'clock and I’ve made it clear that it’s not something I’d accept and I think he knew that he had crossed the line which is why he wanted to go back to his home town as he knew I would be asking him to leave.

I can’t have it around my son, obviously he’s my main priority!

I will not be taking him back at all, it’s done and finished now.

but now I’ve found out I’m pregnant am I just signing myself up to a life of being hit with his fall out when he decides to press the self destruct button - will he even be consistent with contact for a child. Is it just easier to terminate and move on with my life ? Will I regret not keeping it?

sorry if I am not making much sense ! I don’t feel like I am lol my head is fried !

please can I have some advice from others xx

OP posts:
PruthePrune · 05/06/2025 12:18

This is one of those occasions where you have to use cold hard logic. In this case you need to terminate this pregnancy asap. Under no circumstances tell him you are pregnant. When it's done and you are thinking clearly you will feel a huge sense of relief. Good luck whatever you do.

IsThisLifeNow · 05/06/2025 12:23

I wouldn't tie myself to this man, have the termination if that is what you want

Original poster
Hello6678 · 05/06/2025 12:24

Thank you all for the replies.

i know what i need to do.. I am being ate by guilt at the moment, and when it does happen I’ll feel it all over again!

I don’t know how I ended up here. It all feels like it’s a bad dream.

some of you have said something that I hadn’t even considered. It’s clear what I should do xx

I would advise a friend to do the same too.

and no he isn’t father to my son

OP posts:
Profpudding · 05/06/2025 12:27

Hello6678 · 05/06/2025 12:24

Thank you all for the replies.

i know what i need to do.. I am being ate by guilt at the moment, and when it does happen I’ll feel it all over again!

I don’t know how I ended up here. It all feels like it’s a bad dream.

some of you have said something that I hadn’t even considered. It’s clear what I should do xx

I would advise a friend to do the same too.

and no he isn’t father to my son

It’s nowhere near as bad as you build it up to be in your mind, Especially if you do it early, just get on with it quickly and move on with your life and protect your older child. You don’t want to lose him.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/06/2025 12:28

Hello6678 · 05/06/2025 12:24

Thank you all for the replies.

i know what i need to do.. I am being ate by guilt at the moment, and when it does happen I’ll feel it all over again!

I don’t know how I ended up here. It all feels like it’s a bad dream.

some of you have said something that I hadn’t even considered. It’s clear what I should do xx

I would advise a friend to do the same too.

and no he isn’t father to my son

It will be the best thing for you and your son, he is your first priority and yourself, no need to feel guilty at all.

category12 · 05/06/2025 12:29

Yes, sorry, you need to put your son first in this situation. He deserves to grow up in a non-abusive environment, free from this man's influence.

Any future children deserve the same, so they need a different father.

I think the best thing for you and your son is a termination and cutting all ties with this man.

Original poster
Hello6678 · 05/06/2025 12:29

Of course not.

he is my main priority. I have had social services phone me but they just referred me to a staying safe help line ? I’m not sure if this is the norm or I’ll get another phone call or a visit? I have no experience with this sort of thing! I was expecting them to say they would come round for a visit ?

OP posts:
dairydebris · 05/06/2025 12:29

The only reason I wouldn't terminate this pregnancy would be if I believed it'd be unlikely I'd ever fall pregnant again. Ie, if i was in my 40's etc.
I'd move away and not put him on the birth cert tho. No way would he have contact with my child.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 05/06/2025 12:36

Men often want access, no matter how little they care about the child, just to control the mother. Even if you didn’t put his name on the birth certificate, he might guess and start harassing you.

I feel for you in this dilemma OP. But there is really only one answer to avoid 18 years or more of harassment and two unhappy DC — as this would affect your existing child too.

iliketheradio · 05/06/2025 12:37

Do not have this baby. It would be unfair on them and you, and your existing child. You’d always be connected to him and he’s dangerous and irresponsible. Don’t do it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/06/2025 12:37

I'm pro choice but would really struggle to choose an abortion for myself if it were for financial or lifestyle reasons. In circumstances like this I don't think I'd hesitate unless the option was open to me to relocate somewhere else entirely so I could hide a pregnancy from him and never see him again. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of abuse and probably the child too.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 05/06/2025 12:42

I would end the pregnancy. Save this baby for its father... while you still can.

FortyElephants · 05/06/2025 12:44

Hello6678 · 05/06/2025 12:29

Of course not.

he is my main priority. I have had social services phone me but they just referred me to a staying safe help line ? I’m not sure if this is the norm or I’ll get another phone call or a visit? I have no experience with this sort of thing! I was expecting them to say they would come round for a visit ?

If this is the first incident reported and you've kicked him out then social services are unlikely to do anything else. They don't have capacity to visit every family where there is a DV incident.

Todayisaday · 05/06/2025 12:47

I would honestly terminate in this situation. He will forever be tied to you otherwise. He will likely be a huge burden for you and you have another child to think about. His level of violence and abuse wasn't light, it was a serious assualt. You will never be rid of the fear of him hurting you and your children if you don't do this. You could end up losing everything if he drags you down and decides to escalate things.

DryDays · 05/06/2025 12:47

Is this man the Father of your other child? If so that would affect my decision as you are already lumbered with him. If not do you really want to have to deal with him for the next 18 plus years? I would most definately end the relationship IME violence only ever escalates except in a one off extreme situation, think major trauma, psychosis.

Geeseinarow · 05/06/2025 12:49

I am sure you will be ok OP, I know you might feel awful and guilty, but see this as a form of self-preservation for you and your son, protecting you both from this awful man. Do you have a close friend you can trust to support you through this? It might help reaching out for some real-life support.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 05/06/2025 13:18

I'm so sorry, this is absolutely awful to read. You did not deserve to be hurt and scared in this way. It's absolutely appalling.

Ultimately it's your choice. Neither choices are easy to live with.

As a person on the ouside looking in, I say do not tie yourself to this man. It will affect your life hugely. You have the right to abortion. It's not an easy choice but you have responsibility to your son too. Please get yourself out of the situation - make it clean and clear cut. You deserve this x

Original poster
Hello6678 · 05/06/2025 13:18

My best friend knows as I was at hers when I took it and she said she would get rid in my shoes.

my mum knows too and she said the same. And they are right.

he still did this knowing that there was a chance I could be pregnant.

thank you all xx

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 05/06/2025 13:23

I have a child with an abusive drinker, and I could never regret having him, but it's HARD to coparent with his dad. And I worry that as my son gets older, he'll end up on the receiving end of not nice behaviour, which breaks my heart.

If I got pregnant now, with another abusive man, knowing what I know about how hard it is - I wouldn't continue the pregnancy.

dustygrey · 05/06/2025 13:23

He's a cunt - and you dont want that in your life for the next 20 years!

I hope you are ok

Snorlaxo · 05/06/2025 13:25

I’m really sorry OP. 💐

I would have an abortion because it would be easier than life long threats from ex and years of social services being involved in my children’s and my life. According to stories on here he would get contact with the baby as he assaulted you and not your child and you risk him manipulating the child and playing nasty games with you forever. For example there’s a story on here where a daughter wants to see her dad even though she witnessed him assaulting her brother.

Mrsttcno1 · 05/06/2025 13:27

I am typically someone who says I wouldn’t have an abortion, don’t disagree with it for others but for me personally it’s not something I would do, however if I was in your shoes then I absolutely would have an abortion and would consider myself to have had a really lucky escape.

dogcatkitten · 05/06/2025 13:33

If you keep the baby, don't put his name on the birth certificate, you don't have to tell him anything, hopefully he will be long gone in a few months time. If it ever comes up baby was conceived after he left (re-bound) and born premature. He probably won't be that interested anyway and it would suit his narrative if you were quick to move on, I'm sure he will blame the breakup on you. Baby doesn't need a father like that.

MisunderstoodMe · 05/06/2025 13:38

It's a tough one and i really feel for you. Being a single mum is incredibly hard. i had a termination when i was in a dv marriage. It was the right thing for me at the time there is no way i could bring another child into that situation. I knew from the second i found out i couldn't keep it. But i do regret the decision i had to make.

ShakeNvacStevens · 05/06/2025 15:05

dogcatkitten · 05/06/2025 13:33

If you keep the baby, don't put his name on the birth certificate, you don't have to tell him anything, hopefully he will be long gone in a few months time. If it ever comes up baby was conceived after he left (re-bound) and born premature. He probably won't be that interested anyway and it would suit his narrative if you were quick to move on, I'm sure he will blame the breakup on you. Baby doesn't need a father like that.

OP's son doesn't need his mother knowingly tying them both permanently to a drunken violent man who might well insist on a paternity test for the baby because it's a great way to exert power over OP without actually having to step up and do any actual parenting. OP has to put her existing child first.