Dealing with a huffer and puffer

[lifemakeover]

My husband is fond of sighing, huffing and muttered exclamations and it drives me mad. Lots of "Oh God/FFS/Really?!!" as well as loud sighing/huffing - all without any precursor or context. Often it's related to him reading work emails and messages. But also it can be about things he sees around the house like mess left by the kids. I agree that does absolutely annoy me too, but I think I tend to be more direct about it.

Why does he do this? At my most uncharitable I think it's attention seeking or trying to seem important/highlight how stressed he is - or just downright passive aggressive.

If you live with a huffer and puffer how do you deal with it? If you are one, do I need to be kinder?

Can you just deal with it directly? ‘Your habit of huffing and puffing is very unhelpful - rather than just ‘FFSing around the house, could you just say what is wrong / ask someone to deal with it?’ Or ‘If work things are annoying you - please either rant at me in full to get it off your chest or keep quiet - the constant ‘oh really?!s’ without any further context are very annoying’

Mine does this and I just ignore him.
If he needs support he needs to speak up properly or huff and puff to himself.

I have tired this, but he gets very uppity and upset with me for being so mean as to call out the behaviour!

I think probably @whatisforteamum is right that ignoring it completely is the best approach.

I can tell you that huffer puffers think that

a) their time is more important than yours
or
b) they are superior to you and the situation infront of them is beneath their dealing with it.

Could be, feeding a child/answering the door/putting shopping away/and on and on

It is infuriating. And he is looking for an ego massage from you with the work stuff. Suggest there are other companies to work for, since he is so terribly put upon.
As for the dc mess, shove a toy tub in his face/hands and tell him to use his big boy words to instruct the dc to put things away before bed. ie parent.

And yes, it is passive aggressive and so, so annoying! Teeth grittingly so.
Short of rubbing perfumed oils on him whilst waving ostrich feathered fans and murmering 'oh darling you are so magnificent', I have no cure. Sorry.

I ignore it. It used to bother me but I told him that unless he’s going to tell me directly what’s wrong I am just going to ignore him. He said “I AM allowed to sigh you know” and I replied “and I’m allowed to ignore it”, so I do and the world keeps turning.

My DH does this. When I say ‘can you open that bottle of Prosecco/tin/ or change the batteries - anything- he starts tutting and moaning when he’s doing it.
Eventually, whenever he started doing it I’d snatch the item from him and say “If it’s that’s much fucking trouble I’ll do it myself!!”
He’d be baffled saying it wasn’t too much trouble until I pointed out how annoying his bloody tutting, huffing and puffing was.
He has stopped it now.
But I concede that some men are not so easily dealt with and can be bullying. My DH is a bit of a softie and it was just an annoying bad habit.

My DH does this, we work in the same office as we run a business together- I started counting how many FFS’s he muttered, accompanied by sighs of course, the other day and got to 5 by lunchtime! If you find a cure let me know before there’s a murder! To be fair it’s stopped me doing it as I now realise what an idiot I sound!

Yes Completely Comprehend & Empathise With Tolerance Of a Hufferer Pufferer, God Bless You
The one I endure expects us to read his mind & throws Hufferer Pufferer Strops over the smallest things that are just so unimportant
He turns on a penny too
Never know what tiny wee thing will trigger him from one moment to the next
Walking on eggshells
Really Feel For You&Yours
Sometimes it's like these types just look for excuses to create arguments
💚🌼🫂💚

I was staying with family recently and my family member's husband simply told him "that's the last sigh you're allowed, otherwise the rest of us are going out for lunch and you can stay here". He'd been sighing dramatically and huffing and puffing on and off for an hour. I can sympathise with his husband's frustration.

I think it’s very self-absorbed behaviour from people who don’t truly recognise that other people are people too. Or that their behaviour has an impact on others. They have no idea what a downer it is for everyone else to be subjected to their negativity. They see at as their self-expression, as just thinking out loud, without an awareness of where that expression ‘goes’ and what it does to other people. Telling them what a horrible atmosphere they create and how much happier a place the house / office is when they’re not there - because of this behaviour, not who they are - can be a surprise.

My mother was a sigher and huffed and puffed constantly when we were young. (She probably still does but I don’t live with it anymore thank God).

I can confirm as other PPs have said, that ir is extremely self absorbed behaviour and that they think you’re beneath them. I wouldn’t stand it from anyone. Awful to be constantly treading on egg shells as they never explain what the problem is you’re expected to guess and pander to them.

Hi OP, my husband does exactly the same thing. I hate it and find it anxiety inducing (in the non medical sense). I ignore it as I know that if I ask whats up he will inevitably moan about nothing being put away properly or whatever which will only infuriate me more due to the implied suggestion that putting things away properly is everyone else’s job not his.

i think I’m gradually getting better at ignoring him - sometimes I try to think about how ridiculous he sounds and smile internally to myself which makes it a tad less annoying.

So I don’t have any good tips unfortunately but I do send solidarity.

To be fair to my husband, he mostly does it in relation to work stuff, it's less often about things like mess in the house. He doesn't do it if you ask him for help - or not ias his immediate response, although there may be some huffing when he's doing the task.

Still very annoying! I feel like he does it because he wants me to ask him what's wrong/what's happening. Its not the case that he'll sigh and then say "nothing" if asked what's the matter.

What a joy to read this thread! I live with one too -I find it incredibly annoying and although I resolve to ignore it, I can't help but to read it as a demand on my time and attention (ie "huff puff, I need help with this"). It causes a lot of niggly arguments.

Ah yes! I think this is it in my case! It's a demand for attention and time/help. It's still as passive aggressive as the 'sighing but refusing to talk about it' type, but it's slightly different.

Ignore! Simply ignore and carry on with your day. They’re seeking feedback so break the feedback loop!

My DH is an under-his-breath mutterer. It infuriates me because I can hear the mutterings and rightly or wrongly assume that I’m to blame for whatever’s being muttered! He argues he’s just ‘thinking out loud’ but it’s still annoying and as others have said best to take a deep breath and ignore!

Relating like mad here. It’s the combination of “your quiet concentration is less important than my random chuntering” and “my low-level negativity makes me feel better even if it sours your day” which pisses me off.

Sometimes huffer-puffer-tutter-sighers are simply never told to stop it. And snapping at them when they are doing it isn’t very effective. They need to be told when they are not doing and to be made to understand how intensely annoying it is and how it impacts on others.

It might be attention seeking for how stressed and put upon he is in which case I might be inclined to ask if he’d like us to sit down and have a talk so he could discuss his feelings. Placing a very sympathetic emphasis on “feelings”. That might put his irritation into perspective.

If you think it’s a habit he’s developed and unaware of maybe ask if he’d intends to huff and puff and blow that problem down. A bit of humour might make him realise.

Or maybe, if he’s being passive aggressive, loudly exclaim “my god, that’s horrendous, devastating, life changing. Do you think you should leave your job/ put the kids up for adoption/ sell the house and join a commune?”

Sarcasm isn’t the best form of communication but it does tend to make an impression.

In my part of Yorkshire it's called 'chuntering'.

I have this - and he’s also throwing in a lot of noises when getting up from a chair or sitting down in one. In my menopausal state, I am ready to stab him with a fork. In fact, if I go quiet on MN, that’s precisely what’s happened and I’m in the jail.

And yes, of course I have challenged him on this using a range of approaches.

I’m enjoying this thread lol 😜
I once had a friend who I used to see maybe once or twice a month. Not a close friend.
Eventually I had to distance myself because she TUTTED CONSTANTLY: at everything.
I think it was just a very bad habit and no one had told her. But my god it drove me mad.

My friend said that if her dh has a grievance he ‘has to fill the room with it’ which is a good way of putting it. I think it is attention seeking. Nobody is left in any doubt that he is pissed off and everyone else has to suffer with him.

DH is hopeless with technology and is constantly huffing and puffing at his laptop and his phone. I swear he thinks that they can magically change their settings and lose his messages and documents without any intervention from him. I usually laugh him out of it as I work out what it is he has done wrong and put it right for him, though it gets a bit wearing.