Dealing with a huffer and puffer

[lifemakeover]

My husband is fond of sighing, huffing and muttered exclamations and it drives me mad. Lots of "Oh God/FFS/Really?!!" as well as loud sighing/huffing - all without any precursor or context. Often it's related to him reading work emails and messages. But also it can be about things he sees around the house like mess left by the kids. I agree that does absolutely annoy me too, but I think I tend to be more direct about it.

Why does he do this? At my most uncharitable I think it's attention seeking or trying to seem important/highlight how stressed he is - or just downright passive aggressive.

If you live with a huffer and puffer how do you deal with it? If you are one, do I need to be kinder?

my husband exactly this and it affects my kids so I challenge him on it each time. I ask him to stop and explain that it makes the kids feel stressed. I have zero patience for passive aggressive behaviour and do not tolerate it. He is on the spectrum and dislikes it when things are not right but I see this as his issue. He needs to find a constructive way to express his emotions.

Just to add, he has got a lot better over the years through consistently pointing out the behaviour is unacceptable

I love this!

I really hate this, as I feel I have to be aware of the problem and try to solve it - learning about that side of my personality really helped me step back from feeling like that.

I think it is a personality trait that a certain type of man loves, because it fits with his view of 'if people don't like me they can bugger off' - very defensive and sad obviously - and of course people don't like that so they do find a way to bugger off. Creating a bad atmosphere and expecting everyone to deal with it is arsehole behaviour (sorry OP). Such men aren't really open to caring about how those around them feel, so I think the best advice is what someone else suggested, telling them you're going to ignore it, and then doing just that.

I call it the 'hufty puftys', both DP and my mother are Olympic standard.

I make it a policy to only react to words. Breathing, coughing and sad faces do not count as communication so I ignore them.

‘Stop fucking huffing.’ Victor Meldrew can get out of my life
works for me. DP no longer huffs and puffs in my hearing. And I told him exactly what other people will think of him, so I think he no longer huffs near anyone else.
definitely an age thing as he never used to be like this

Sadly this.

And unless you challenge him on being a bit of an immature dick, he’ll only get worse over time. Probably already has.

Copy his behaviour ... see how he reacts to it.

I'd firstly just check in with yourself that it's not part of a bigger pattern of behaviour to get you to walk on eggshells/jump to helping him or sympathising etc. also check you aren't a bit of a fawner/people pleaser as a defence mechanism (I am so was unwittingly feeding some grumpiness in my relationship).

If not and it's literally only the huffing then I'd totally snd completely ignore any of it. Alternatively a brisk "well, just ask properly if you need help" and walk away, don't let it escalate into a "poor him" argument where you have to justify yourself. Just leave it as a reasonable request from you.

My DP got very snappy with me when our dd was born and I found it best to just do a short single snap back at him then leave it. When he realised he wasn't getting simpering kindness in response to his grumpiness and instead getting a reasonable snappy comment back he stopped.

I am pleased to see this thread too. My husband is terrible for huffing & puffing. He comes downstairs in the morning and announces himself with a sigh.. not a breezy one either, more like the hiss of a bus engaging its air brakes.

I have told him the mood of the house is dominated by his negativity. He also lets out these grunts as though he’s in pain. I dramatically drop everything each time and say ‘are you ok, you sound like you’ve really hurt yourself?’ to alert him to the ridiculousness of it. Normally I get a woe-is-me ‘I’m ok.. just exhausted’.

He’s a good bloke but the rest of my life to a backdrop of huffing isn’t too appealing. Will be following for tips!

My DH is like this. It used to drive me mad. I told him that he was disturbing me and needs to keep it down. I also stated to make fun of it, “heat rising” “blustery over there” “audacity of whatever he’s huffing at”. Sometimes I stop and stare and sometimes join him to huff.

Essentially, I’ve chosen to see the huffing as a funny trait of my otherwise lovely DH. Because I started from the beginning and because he has a good sense of humour and we make of each other in a nice way about a lot of things this approach has worked for me. One to try, depending on SOH of course.

He also lets out these grunts as though he’s in pain. I dramatically drop everything each time and say ‘are you ok, you sound like you’ve really hurt yourself?’ to alert him to the ridiculousness of it. Normally I get a woe-is-me ‘I’m ok.. just exhausted’.

You may be in danger of reinforcing the behaviour there!

If things are particularly loud huff wise Sometimes I say ‘oh what’s happened’, he will tell me some small grumble and I’ll dismiss it with ‘oh I thought something serious had happened’

Brilliant response 💚😂💚
Well done for gently putting things in perspective

🤣 this post is hilarious. Dh does this too. As does my DF the huge sigh getting out the chair. The huffing puffing moaning and ffs over traffic and road works. The dramatics of a bad cough exaggerated into dying. The freezer being jam packed that seriously could tip him over the edge that normally is a huge FFS, and it goes on...........Sigh!

Passive aggression can be really poisonous. People who carry resentment around with them without just coming out and saying it are a freaking pain to the rest of us.
That said, I wonder how they would react if those close to them start doing the same? I expect they would have no patience for it and would overreact even more.

My first reaction was a LTB, but I too am a huffer and puffer

I've just given myself the ick, no wonder I'm single 😭

I agree with @Lunaballoon that you're at risk of reinforcing this by asking him if he's hurt.

Try asking if he's constipated instead.

Because he’s an arsehole. I left mine. My life is so infinitely peaceful and without that air of stress and alarm that occurs when you hear the first huff….

God Bless You At Least You're Honest Though, Huge Difference
Most Surely a Brilliant Quality Being So Honest
Believe In Yourself
💚🌼💚

Mine is doing it right now, so I removed myself from the situation and escaped to MN, and found this thread. Perfect timing!

They even do it on buses to strangers, trying to get their huffing acknowledged

Please can someone enlighten me what MN abbreviates? 💚🌼

Mumsnet 🙂

Oh god my DH does this all the time and it drives me mad. I often ask what the matter is to kind of make the point that it's irritating me and he'll just reply - nothing, just a work thing!