Update on bad relationship

[Serenity21]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5345321-am-i-being-dramatic?reply=144654983

Hi everyone,
Some of you may remember me from the other evening, a lot of you gave me some good advice, and I really appreciate it.

I just wanted to update the situation I’m in. As everyone was so kind. I’ve attached my original post to this one.

I have decided I am going to leave. However, for a few reasons I need to do this carefully I think. One reason is my daughter, who is autistic as well as other disabilities, this will have a devastating impact on her if he is suddenly gone. Which is why I need to fade it if I can. Another reason is I don’t know how he will react. I may be being over dramatic, he might be absolutely fine, but I’m unsure. So I will be getting advice from Women’s aid. I still sometimes think I’m being over dramatic, as I’m used to this type of behaviour, but, more has come to light since my last post.

He has admitted to slapping a woman previously. In anger because of an affair.
I snooped! I’m not proud of this and he doesn’t know I’ve found things. But I found a note book today. With notes from a few months before I met him. Talking about his anger and aggression problems. How there was an ‘incident’ with a woman not too long before me and him and how ‘he can never be like this again’.

About how he lies.

And about how, he is impulsive and likes to take sexual risks….since living alone (before me but I’m now wondering if with me), with prostitutes.

Obviously his past is his past, and I feel guilty as hell just sharing this on here as it’s not my business so I’m not going into great detail, but on top of his behaviours with me:
last weekend where he became verbally abusive, smashing things, grabbing me and pulling so I fell, threats of killing himself again (see previous post)
his monitoring me on my time on social media platforms and what’s app;
turning up on my one night out with my best friend as I didn’t tell him I was home and being really angry with me about this;
getting annoyed if I don’t reply ‘I love you’ to every time he says it (excessively on what’s app);
threat of killing himself when we almost ended earlier this year;
another occasion of getting very aggressive when drunk over nothing;
lying to me for months over a situation with his ex wife (too much to explain but it was huge);
not allowing me to interrupt him when he is talking to me;
on two occasions when I’ve been in tears over something to do with us he has tried to be sexual (he said to remind me what I enjoy);
There are more little things but I just can’t think.

again, I know I shouldn’t be with him, but it’s not as easy to just break up straight away. I’m also really sad, as the future I thought I had with him has now just gone. I thought he was completely different to this. I’m shocked.

I think the point of this post is just to ask for a bit of support that what I’m doing is right. I’m sorry if this post is unwelcome. I’m so used to bad relationships I always look at ways to blame myself somehow. He says things will never happen again obviously, but now knowing his past behaviour, I know it probably will. He is also using his recently diagnosed adhd, but I just can’t see how it can be this either.

I feel terribly guilty for snooping in his flat. But I just wanted to try and fin something to help me realise that this isn’t me.

Thank you for reading xx

Get away ASAP...... all red flags. Control and coercive behaviours and threats to harm himself to stop you leaving and feel guilty.
Start now this minute !!! No fading it won't work that way get a plan in place, stick to it and don't look back. Say nothing until you are ready to be away. Stay safe don't be frightened. Don't doubt yourself. it will escalate ! make the move, you won't regret it but it will be difficult at first. Hugs

You are doing the right thing. If he monitors your SM are you sure you are safe sharing this? Leave quickly **

It will have an even more devastating impact on your daughter if he isn't gone soon.

Don't fade it out. Get rid of him and spend some time learning to love yourself and recognises how much more than this you are worthy of.

As soon as you’ve got a plan, go. And delete your briefing history, lock your phone. This is not a good guy, this is not a time for ‘slow fade’.

Yeah, sorry everyone. I’m a bit embarrassed at writing this post now. Xx

Don't be embarrassed.
Just lock down your phone etc. passwords every time and log out every time. change as many passwords as you can.
security security security

Thank you xx

@Serenity21 he doesn’t live with you so breaking off contact doesn’t involve kicking him out. Did you talk to women’s aid as you planned to?

I know you are concerned about your daughter but how much time is enough to phase him out? A week, a month, 6 months? All that time you will be being sucked back in by him, diminishing his actions, convincing yourself it’s not that bad or that it’s your fault, getting more attached and most likely exposing yourself to more trauma and abuse. Dont use your daughter as an excuse not to leave him, he doesn’t sound the type to let you phase out of a relationship, he’s shown how controlling he is. Ultimately your daughter may be distressed by him no longer being around but she will be far more distressed if her mum turns up with a black eye, in hospital or worse. Men like him only escalate.

Please protect yourself. If not for your sake then your daughters. Don’t let this evil man take her mum away from her.

You can do this, you are stronger than you know

@Serenity21 ive just read the following comment on another post where a woman is leaving her abusive partner, she too appears to be delaying leaving to ensure some perceived ideal exit plan and he has threatened suicide in the past. Hopefully @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta wont mind me sharing what she wrote as it’s very relevant to your situation and will hopefully help you see things a bit clearer:

He is DEFINITELY going to use this tactic to drag you back. You have to prepare yourself for it: if he says he's going to kill himself, CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES. To explain why, I'm going to quote a Zawn Villines article on this exact topic:
"When your abuser threatens suicide
Threatening suicide is a common abusive tactic. But the risk is also very real--and could extend to you and your children.
Abuse is fundamentally about control. And one of the most powerful ways to control someone who loves you is to threaten your own death. This is why abusers, especially abusive men, may weaponize their mental health, threatening suicide when they sense they are losing control.
One 2019 study found that intimate partner violence is a factor in nearly half of all suicides. A 2022 study found that suicidal threats and behavior can be a “deliberate and calculated response by which some men sought to maintain influence or control over women.”
If your partner threatens suicide every time you try to leave, or even every time you demand that he do a fair share of household labor, you are not alone. You are not the problem, and you’re not the abusive one.
So why does this happen, and what can you do?
The dynamics of suicide threats—and why they can be so effective
Men who threaten suicide to get what they want are asking women to make a simple choice: your life or his. And patriarchy tells women we must always choose the man’s life over ours. It tells us we’re abusive monsters for even considering our well-being over his.
Suicide threats don’t have to be overt to work. I’ve spoken to hundreds of women who avoid taking certain actions—calling CPS or the police, divorcing their abusers, telling their husbands no, declining sex—because they fear their abusers may become suicidal. I’ve written before about how the threat of violence lurks in every unequal relationship. All men benefit from the violence many women experience, because the threat of that violence will always influence women’s behavior. We know what men are capable of, even when an individual man never shows us what he specifically is capable of. We know we can never be truly safe.
This same phenomenon extends to suicide. Women know that suicidal men are potentially dangerous to them and to their children. We also know that men blame us for their emotions, and that society may blame us for a man’s suicide or act of self-harm...
So when a man threatens suicide, he is not just threatening suicide, but all that comes with it. He’s threatening he might kill you, too...
It doesn’t matter whether he is genuinely suicidal or not. When he wields the threat to convince you to stay, talk to him, have sex with him, or otherwise give him what he wants, he is being abusive.
He is asking you to choose him over you—and often, to choose him over the well-being of your children, too. You must always choose yourself and your children in this scenario. Because giving him what he wants will only ensure more threats and more control down the road. And it certainly won’t cure any underlying mental health issues....
Take the threat seriously
All threats of suicide are serious threats, even if he has a history of manipulation.
This is because there is simply no way to distinguish an earnest threat from an attempt at manipulation.
If he is earnest in his intentions, then he needs help you cannot give him. And he deserves that help, because everyone deserves a chance at redemption and healing. Ensuring he gets that help is an act of decency, not cruelty.
And if he is being manipulative, he’s much less likely to continue wielding this threat if you take it seriously and he has to answer to someone else about his behavior.
Call for emergency help every single time he threatens suicide. Document the threat... call emergency services.
Every. Single. Time."
https://zawn.substack.com/p/when-your-abuser-threatens-suicide
So OP, to repeat: if he threatens suicide, CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES.
And listen to the alarmed PPs here: do NOT attempt to have a reasoned discussion with him about why you are leaving just before you do leave. He may be triggered to act impulsively and dangerously, either against himself or you. Leave WITHOUT DISCUSSION (there is nothing to discuss anyway), tell him via text. If he threatens suicide, IMMEDIATELY CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES.
That's the kindest thing you can do for him

I thought from your previous post that you were seeing / speaking to a charity today - Wednesday
did you not ?

and as for leaving him - you do not live with him
you would be finishing with him

and if I remember right, your next date/meeting was due to be yesterday / Tuesday - did you go ahead with it ?

Did you do a Claire's Law on him? If not for you then do it for other women he will no doubt get involved with!

Just read your first thread. God forbid a man loves you and doesn’t want to see you reminiscing about previous rendezvous with your best friend in messages. Imagine the tables were turned and it was you who found those messages in his phone? Would you be happy about it? Mumsnetters are also always so quick to say leave without even knowing the FULL history.

@Glamgenzmami

Did you read all of the Op's posts on her thread.

He is a very disturbed, dangerous man, you do not want him near you or your daughter ever again. Don’t faze it out, make sure you change your locks incase he has copied your keys and then end it by text. Tell him it’s not working for you. You then block him on your phone, SM, if he knocks at your door, do not answer it and if he kicks off you call police… Everytime!

I'm glad you have decided to end this abusive relationship OP. Based on some of the things you've said I highly recommend you speak to the police on how to do this safely but also quickly. The longer you leave it the more harm you and your DC will face.

Agree with pp, any threats to hurt himself should be met with you dialling 999. He is acting unstable and will need ambulance and the police... or he could just be a lying, manipulative, control freak winding you up (more likely).

Good luck

last weekend where he became verbally abusive, smashing things, grabbing me and pulling so I fell, threats of killing himself again (see previous post)
his monitoring me on my time on social media platforms and what’s app;
turning up on my one night out with my best friend as I didn’t tell him I was home and being really angry with me about this;
getting annoyed if I don’t reply ‘I love you’ to every time he says it (excessively on what’s app);
threat of killing himself when we almost ended earlier this year;

You missed this part in your haste to scold us. Such a loving man 🙄

Get your locks changed.
Contact Womens Aid ASAP.
Inform the police of the situation so they can flag your address.
You are doing your daughter more harm by staying with him than by leaving. Leave now.

Thank you for sharing this. I needed to see it. It’s frightening. When he has said he has been close to it I’ve felt incredibly guilty as he has two grown children of his own. And I think….what if he did it because of me??? I’ve been in his life for 15 months and their dad would be gone because of me!!
But reading this has helped. Thank you xx

I was going to go to WA. I had a job interview first, and then I wimped out. Was scared I’d see someone I knew or something. I’m really sorry as I know I said I was going to.

You’re right. I wouldn’t be leaving him as we don’t live together. He has keys for my house and I his, but that’s it. I need to be stronger xx

I didn't see your original post but went back to read. Oh my gosh you are absolutely right to leave but please be very careful to safeguard yourself against him. You must break up but is there a women's advice centre near you that can advise you? Also do you have a friend nearby for support?

It wasn’t reminiscing. Far from it actually. It was a name drop in reaction to something my partner had done involving his ex. So it was more a ‘can you imagine if I had done that with ’.

Whilst I understand where your point is coming from, the reaction he had to that was extremely severe to my action/words in the text, which is what made me question his other behaviours in the relationship up to now, and the fact that at that moment, I was concerned for my safety.

I am going to try and find advice. My best friend is on the phone to me daily, she lives about an hour away. I really don’t think he would harm me, I’m more worried about him harming himself. I’m just heartbroken as well as this isn’t the man I thought he was when I fell in love with him 15 months ago. I know I should be strong enough to just leave right now, I’m just in a bit of shock and denial I think. But I am trying xx

@Glamgenzmami , you're nuts. Why are you making excuses for this abuser? He took her phone to the toilets and read her messages without her permission. He then completely overreacted about what he'd read and had a complete tantrum and began threatening self harm. Disgusting man.

OP, I agree with others. This man is way too volatile to do a slow fade with. As much as it may upset your DD to end it suddenly, you're putting yourself and her at risk by allowing him to stay in your life. Finish it for good and get your locks changed urgently. Don't engage with him. If he makes threats about suicide then call an ambulance to him and tell them what he's saying. Further than that he's not your responsibility, and anything he does is not your fault. Please believe that.

His threats to harm himself are manipulation and are harming your mental wellbeing.

You need to change the locks to your home and not see him again.

You can't be responsible for someone else's life. It's his responsibility, not yours.