Update on bad relationship

[Serenity21]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5345321-am-i-being-dramatic?reply=144654983

Hi everyone,
Some of you may remember me from the other evening, a lot of you gave me some good advice, and I really appreciate it.

I just wanted to update the situation I’m in. As everyone was so kind. I’ve attached my original post to this one.

I have decided I am going to leave. However, for a few reasons I need to do this carefully I think. One reason is my daughter, who is autistic as well as other disabilities, this will have a devastating impact on her if he is suddenly gone. Which is why I need to fade it if I can. Another reason is I don’t know how he will react. I may be being over dramatic, he might be absolutely fine, but I’m unsure. So I will be getting advice from Women’s aid. I still sometimes think I’m being over dramatic, as I’m used to this type of behaviour, but, more has come to light since my last post.

He has admitted to slapping a woman previously. In anger because of an affair.
I snooped! I’m not proud of this and he doesn’t know I’ve found things. But I found a note book today. With notes from a few months before I met him. Talking about his anger and aggression problems. How there was an ‘incident’ with a woman not too long before me and him and how ‘he can never be like this again’.

About how he lies.

And about how, he is impulsive and likes to take sexual risks….since living alone (before me but I’m now wondering if with me), with prostitutes.

Obviously his past is his past, and I feel guilty as hell just sharing this on here as it’s not my business so I’m not going into great detail, but on top of his behaviours with me:
last weekend where he became verbally abusive, smashing things, grabbing me and pulling so I fell, threats of killing himself again (see previous post)
his monitoring me on my time on social media platforms and what’s app;
turning up on my one night out with my best friend as I didn’t tell him I was home and being really angry with me about this;
getting annoyed if I don’t reply ‘I love you’ to every time he says it (excessively on what’s app);
threat of killing himself when we almost ended earlier this year;
another occasion of getting very aggressive when drunk over nothing;
lying to me for months over a situation with his ex wife (too much to explain but it was huge);
not allowing me to interrupt him when he is talking to me;
on two occasions when I’ve been in tears over something to do with us he has tried to be sexual (he said to remind me what I enjoy);
There are more little things but I just can’t think.

again, I know I shouldn’t be with him, but it’s not as easy to just break up straight away. I’m also really sad, as the future I thought I had with him has now just gone. I thought he was completely different to this. I’m shocked.

I think the point of this post is just to ask for a bit of support that what I’m doing is right. I’m sorry if this post is unwelcome. I’m so used to bad relationships I always look at ways to blame myself somehow. He says things will never happen again obviously, but now knowing his past behaviour, I know it probably will. He is also using his recently diagnosed adhd, but I just can’t see how it can be this either.

I feel terribly guilty for snooping in his flat. But I just wanted to try and fin something to help me realise that this isn’t me.

Thank you for reading xx

@Serenity21 you can contact women’s aid online or over the phone if going in person is too overwhelming. You’re clearly still in denial about who this man is and are struggling to see what is so clear to us from the outside. Every day you don’t end this relationship is another day for him to manipulate, undermine and abuse you.

Ask yourself why you are stalling in ending this relationship?
It’s likely you have a whole list including impact on your daughter, his reaction and potential for self-harm, a delusional hope that he will change or that you can fix him, not wanting to be alone, sunk cost fallacy as you have already invested 15 months in him, believing his behaviour is somehow your fault)

Whatever the reason(s) you have it doesn’t justify continuing the relationship, you need to prioritise yourself and your safety.

Change your locks, send him a text saying the relationship is over and then block him on all communication channels. It can be that simple if you chose it to be. You can then take time to get over your heartbreak and deal with the trauma he has in inflicted on you but you don’t need to stay in the relationship to do that.

You can be strong, you can do this

Then it's not that you're in a dangerous situation having to leave the house where you live with him. Yes, statistically abusive men are more dangerous at the end of a relationship, I'm not saying it's easy for you, but it's much easier for you that for women who live with and have children with their abuser.

Change your locks asap and then tell him it's over, have you got friends/family around who can support you if you're afraid?

You are not responsible for his MH, he uses suicide as manipulation, he will have used it on ex gf’s and will use it in the future to try to gain sympathy and control over a partner. He threaten’s suicide so you feel responsible for his life, forget his abusive behaviour towards you (until the next time) and to stop you walking away. He has no intention of dying, he is trying to gain control over you and make you stay to be his punch bag.
Instead of focusing on his poor kids if he died, you need to be thinking of your daughter, and how she will cope if he kills you! There is a way higher chance of that happening, with him than his suicide my lovely.
You need to realise the hard truth!!
He is making out you hold the power over whether he lives or dies but you don’t, if he killed you, he would be in another relationship within the month, abusing her and spinning the same old story.

Thank you everyone. The hard truths are what I need to hear I think as I’m still in some denial (which I know is frustrating to others looking in) xx

You need to get away from this man. You mentioned your daughters feelings and not wanting to upset her... but he got physical with you the other night (and now you know he has hit at least one other woman in the past). What if it escalated... even accidentally? He could seriously hurt you. Your daughter needs you.

I'm sure your friend, who you mentioned you've only been allowed on a night out with once since being with him (and even then he had to ruin that night), is deeply concerned and hopeful that you'll leave. You deserve better and you can do better than this. You are not responsible for his actions.

Please please reconsider speaking to WA.

Your DD won’t be devastated if you leave him. If you’ve been dating him for 15 months I assume she has known him less than a year and you don’t even live together.

She might cry or sulk but she will be fine if you leave him.

If you don’t ….well who knows. He is violent, controlling and abusive , not exactly a great role model for her. That’s assuming he doesn’t start on her when she’s older ( which most of them do).

Wtf are you on about!? Are you a man?

No need to be sexist. God forbid we as women all have different opinions.

Please end it now. You have your own home, he's not related to your daughter. You contact him, you tell him it's over. You contact 101 if you think he may kick off and ask them to put a marker on your house.
When you tell him (not convincing yourself of a gradual fade out but tell him once) make sure you have friends with you. You should be thinking of how to safeguard your daughter from him not thinking of how she might be upset. He's a monster, get away from him. Men who smash things move onto you next, what are you going to do then? He's not your responsibility, your daughter and your safety is. You've been together 15 months and have your own home? Get away from him and stay away, sign up to the Freedom Programme if you need to, he's extremely abusive.

If you read the Ops information you'd have seen how abusive her relationship was.

Each to their own.

OP, I hope you're doing ok.

I just caught up with the thread and wanted to mention this. My ex threatened suicide when I AGREED WITH HIM that we had become more like room mates and should probably go our separate ways.
I'm guessing I was supposed to cry and beg or something.
It happened several times after that. Eventually I did leave.

He's got a wife and step child now and is loving his best life from what I hear.

You probably are in denial, not quite believing everything that has happened. That does take time so cut yourself some slack on that one.
You will feel like it is your fault in some way and you will feel sorry for him - also very normal.
No amount of anyone telling you otherwise will sink in at the moment.
But what must sink in is that he is abusive and potentially dangerous and you must act on that NOW.
All the other emotions that you have will soon be figured out as you educate yourself on this type of behaviour and have support from people you trust.

Just reading some books, watching YouTube videos, reading other people's stories on here and talking to my doctor and domestic abuse helper have gotten me through some of the more difficult times.

You are already not alone - there are many of us on here going through or having gone through similar.

It will be hard but anything worth doing is never going to be easy.
Just get him out of your life, get safe and then start to heal.

He doesn't just sound dangerous he is dangerous.
Op follow the advice of others that have experienced this.
Your safety is paramount.

I’m in complete denial if I’m honest. As stupid as that probably is. I feel everything you’re saying and it’s just breaking my heart. I’m sorry. I know everyone will think I’m crazy. I’ve felt it the last couple of days. I’ve actually said out loud ‘I think I’m losing my mind’.
Im trying to take appropriate steps. Xxx

I hope you have support irl.
As many have said myself included you're in a potentially volatile situation and hopefully you can extract yourself and child from it.
Wishing you all the best op.

You’ve been stripped of your self preservation, your feelings and your self worth by abuse, you feel you’re the glue that hold everything together. He was abusive before you knew him and will continue to be abusive with or without you in the future.
It might help you, to focus on your daughter instead of yourself, her safety and ensuring she (and you) have a stable, happy home life, not having an abusive man in her life who is dangerous and could kill you both. If something happened to you, she would be devastated as you are her world. She might have relatives but she needs a mum, who will protect and love her. If she grows up seeing you be abused then that’s the kind of relationship she will most likely seek as an adult. Leave him and save your daughter from a lifetime of misery, abuse and terror.

I know this is no excuse. But my daughter is special needs….and possibly off to residential college in two and a half months. I’ve cared for her on my own for almost 20 years. This is going to break my heart if she leaves. My world is going to turn upside down and my life will be so different. It’s been a hard decision but with her multi disciplinary team she needs to thrive in further education and for the last year I’ve been fighting to get her an amazing placement in a fantastic special needs college with accommodation. I’ve finally got people who have said they want to help her thrive and learn to live independently away from me (which I want her to be ready for as it’s been us for so long). So at the moment I’m also battling the guilt and heartache from that. Even though she has said she wants to go to college, she had the visit and sleepover there and loved it.
so when I say about my daughter being upset this is why. Because I don’t want to take away something else from her before she goes. I don’t want to disrupt her life before the biggest transition she is about to face. I cry myself to sleep every night about it.
Ive taken steps to begin my career in teaching again in September, which I put on hold in 2018 as doing teaching and caring for her became too much.
I just am in a bit of denial about all this. Yes, his outburst last week was HORRENDOUS. But nothing I’m not used to from previous relationships. He even said himself the other day ‘let’s call it what it was….emotional and physical abuse’ when he was saying how sorry he was. On top of that he has shown other red flags I know. He is lovely at other times, and actually brilliant with my daughter. Which is why I’m in so much denial and confusion. I know things aren’t right at all. I’ve learned more about him in the last couple of days about his past which links up to more anger issues.
I feel like I’m drowning right now. I’m trying to deal with my daughter going, who is my absolute world. I’ve cared for her 24/7 for nearly 20 years alone. I’m going to be passing on all the responsibility of her health, care and education over to others. But it is going to absolutely crush me. Even though everyone (health care, Local Authority, Ed psychs, etc) are telling me it’s a million per cent the right thing for her.

This isn’t a ‘woe is me’ post. But this has all come at the worst time. I do have support of my best friend. Every day. And I am so thankful I thought to write on here also. Xxx

@Serenity21 did you do a Clare’s law ? If not please do one .
Also re book women’s aid. .
When the time comes get your door lock changed .
Then call him or txt and tell him it’s over . Face to face is not safe .
Also have in writing that it’s over and you do not want him near you or your home again . State that if he comes near you or calls you . It will be harassment and you will be calling the police. Can you let friend stay for a while when you end it ?
Op this is a really abusive man you have got with. These relationships usually lead to rape .
You have mentioned it’s less to sexual stuff. Has he told you that you are having sex? Did you have a choice ?

Protect you and your Dd . End it now. Faze him
out by saying he is busy or working away . Anything you need to say for now untill she heads to college.

You're struggling because change is on the way. BUT you cannot live with thus level of abuse 'because of'
You're a teacher? Sit for a minute and think what you would say or do if a student came to you and told you what their mums boyfriend had done. You wouldn't be pausing, waiting, looking to wait until September (you could be dead by then) He is abusive end of. You don't need him in your life just to get through emotional times. He's dangerous. Your daughter going to college... how is she going to go off to college happily when her mum is in hospital because her mums 'friend' has put her mum in hospital with multiple broken bones? (Yes it happened to me but our ds was 2 years old and I had nothing but the clothes on my back
Get him out of your lives

So he has the keys to your house.

You need to get your locks changed the day before you tell him it’s over.

You are doing the very best for your daughter and her future, you sound an amazing mum.
I know you feel heartbroken and will feel alone once she goes but it’s better to have no support than from an abuser. You can concentrate on you, your career and even if in the past, you’ve been abused it doesn’t make it acceptable. This is your time to grieve a chapter ending with your daughter and fly free, look after yourself with as much love, as you do your daughter! You sound wonderful, you owe it to yourself to be happy but you need to walk away from abuse before you can truly be at peace. Find out who you are without a man, you are stronger than you think and start loving yourself x

Thank you for that. I do everything for my daughter, I really do.
I was actually single for 9 years before I met this man. I chose to be because of the previous 9 year relationship being so bad. It’s why I question whether it’s me making people like this. My first extremely abusive relationship was when I was 18. It was my first proper relationship and I think it set the bar. I’ve known no different.
This man at first was nothing like I’ve ever known. Which is why I now think it’s me that’s made these things happen with him. I need therapy I really do. Xx

You need help. Abuse doesn't happen 'because of' things you do. These people will do this regardless of what you do or don't do. I wad alone for 17 years, please get those locks changed it's no way to live.

You know it’s not you making these men abusive, you read he was was abusive before he met you. You’re a magnet for abusive men, the best thing would be to be on your own and get therapy. You would be safer and happier being single for the rest of your life x