Feeling anxious — regret about sharing private photos/videos

[KellyR1]

Hi everyone,
I’m posting here because I’ve been feeling really anxious and I don’t know who else to talk to.

I’m currently seeing a guy, and I shared some private/intimate photos with him. He told me that it really turns him on, and he’s been sending me things as well. We were together last night, and he filmed us — and now I can’t stop thinking about the fact that he has all these photos and videos.

With my ex, I was comfortable with that kind of thing, but I realise now I don’t know this new guy well enough, and I should have said no. I feel like I crossed a boundary that didn’t feel right for me.

He hasn’t threatened me or done anything with the content, but just knowing it exists — and that he could share it one day — is making me feel sick with worry. I barely slept last night thinking about it. I texted him and told him I was feeling really anxious and asked him to delete the ones where my face is visible… but I haven’t had a reply yet.

I just want my peace of mind back.

Has anyone been through something like this? How did you handle it? I’d really appreciate any advice, thoughts, or just someone to listen.

Thank you!

Don’t do anything, I honestly think by not engaging much he will soon leave you alone, he might keep the video for his own use or delete, and look for someone else, most guys don’t start publishing online this I would say is rare and extreme, that’s more of a revenge tactic by someone with serious issues and it would have serious consequences if he does.
I think your anxiety is making you think the worse thing that could happen, it probably most likely won’t. Almost of men ask for this kind of stuff when dating so it goes on a lot and for 99% people don’t get exposed for it unless your famous?

You need to realise you have done nothing wrong. Your friends or anyone you tell should also recognise this, you need to accept that now. If he shares them he commits a crime and if any of them are unique they lead directly to him. That would be even if he was inclined to share them, which you should assume he is not for now.

Avoid moving so quickly in future, until you have trust in the person, but stop beating your self up about it.

Oh OP, try not to worry. As others have said, if he shares them anywhere without your consent then he has committed a crime. Screenshot your messages where you've asked him to delete them etc.

I agree with others posters. I think- if you feel safe and comfortable - you should ask to meet up with him again and then act normally until you see him and then ask him to delete them in front of you (and delete them from his deleted items). I also wonder if it is something you could speak to the police about on a non emergency number and ask them if there's anyway they could visit him and ask him to delete it if you don't consent to them being shared? I'm wondering if him sending them to YOU on instagram might even (techinically/legally?) count as him "sharing" them without your consent? I.e. a legal loophole where he may have committed a crime and justifies them being able to speak to him, making him delete them in front of them etc? It might be worth speaking to the police and finding out?

However, overall, I would try not to worry and agree it's very unlikely anything will come out of this.

I agree with this to an extent. I wouldn't be happy if he hadn't agreed there and then to delete and reassure you he had done so but I wouldn't get into a text convo now. See him again, ask him to delete and then end the fling in a civil and non committal fashion. That's unless If he has just missed the point and responds well in person then fine, you can review how he is. Lessons learnt here. Any messing, remind him of the law

OP I feel like you have lacked proper guidance in your life and you're having to learn certain things and where your boundaries are the hard way.

Forgive yourself.

Part of developing is regretting past things you did. Never share intimate photos or videos with someone, or let someone do this (of you have a choice), again. It doesn't matter how long you've been with them - relationships can change and it's just not worth the anxiety.

It doesn't matter that other women are doing this or it's normalised. If the men lose interest in you as a result of not joining in, let them. That kind of entitlement is a red flag anyway.

I’ll step back for now and just hope he won’t share them. 🥹 I’m honestly a bit terrified that I could already be ‘out there’ and never even know.

You will come through this, but you need - and deserve - someone standing with you. Think hard - is there an older female friend or family member you can trust? If you trust them, try to put your anxiety to one side, and tell them.

You've done nothing wrong.

@KellyR1 you can only control what you do, try not to worry about things you can't control and learn from it. There's been a lot of good work done by people like Georgia Harrison to raise an awareness of this issue. The laws have changed in a positive way. So that should work as a deterrent.

If you decide to meet him so he can delete them in front of you, please be aware that there are several places they get stored on a phone.

I sent a picture to dh by WhatsApp and between our two phones I had to delete that picture from 7 places. I can’t remember exactly where but google for advice on this. It probably varies between iPhones and androids too.

You still can’t be sure that he hasn’t saved it somewhere else or on a different device. So watching him delete it isn’t a guarantee of anything.

Sex has become much more casual than when I was young (and rode to school on my dinosaur) so while it strikes me as a giant red flag, I suppose there’s a reasonable chance that for him, asking for nudes isn’t necessarily nefarious. Maybe in person you might get a better sense of whether he will do the decent thing and destroy the evidence. And if it still seems shifty, reminding him of the law might help.

But look op, things happen in life and all we can really do is forgive ourselves. You’re not a bad person.

I feel so stressed out. Even if nothing happens right now, something could happen in the future. What if a third person somehow gets access and does something with those photos or videos? That thought is really overwhelming.
He’s been posting weird stuff, and it’s clear he’s a player. I honestly don’t even want to see him anymore.

Then don't see him anymore and next time, don't share anything you don't want (potentially) going online.

You can't control what he does @KellyR1 and the best thing would be to try to put this behind you and move on.

What's weird stuff exactly?

He posted something that sounded like he was hurt by a woman, and it gave off some emotional tension.

Also, there were a few comments he made that night which he said were “jokes,” but they really unsettled me. Even if they weren’t serious, they felt like red flags, and I can’t stop thinking about them.

Your letting your anxiety colour your thoughts. I would just withdraw from contacting him
Just let it tail off. You have to trust he won't share the pics. . Good luck x

Could you contact the police for advice? Say that you have asked him to delete the pictures and videos and he hasn’t. You are concerned he will distribute them and wanted to know how you should deal with this ‘potential’ crime?

You could then send him a stern message that says you have taken advice from the police and you want confirmation that he has deleted the images and reiterate sharing them is a criminal offence. It would be stupid for him to do something in revenge when he knows the police are involved and it’s illegal. He’ll probably shit himself and delete it thinking the police will come knocking.

Hang on, this guy hasn't actually done anything wrong. I'm the first to distrust men but the fact he shared and recieved some pics with consent doesn't make him a bad person, just like it doesn't make you one.

I mean this to reassure you OP, but in the nicest possible way.... Your pics are nothing special. There's literally billions of similar ones available, for free online. Plus AI ones as pp have mentioned. There's no reason someone would be so keen to do anything with yours, and also the internet wouldn't notice if they did.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. There seems like a lot of shame in some of the responses here. I have done it before, but honestly I don't care if any of it is leaked... It was consenting between adults and the shame would be with whoever leaked it not me.

He has does something wrong -

He refused to delete them when asked!

A decent man would have immediately promised to delete them and would have done so. Instead, he’s clearly keeping them. ‘Nothing to worry about’ is no reassurance at all. I would make it really clear in a text that you don’t consent to him showing anyone those pictures and videos or uploading them - not sure if it’s advisable to remind him it would break the law tbh. Other than that there isn’t anything you can do. I suppose you have photos of him too - does he care if those are public? Perhaps he views that as the bond of confidentially.

OP what you should do now is hold your head up high, remember the law is on your side if he puts any of this on-line. Do not be ashamed and do not blame yourself as you have done NOTHING wrong.

Get on with your with loving yourself and enjoying your 27 year old life. Also say “fuck them” to all those telling you “oh dear” and “you shouldn’t have done that”. Everyone’s allowed to make mistake FFS. Follow the good advice about speaking to your therapist and trying to get him to delete stuff in front of you.

The worst case senario is someone you think matters finds out and so you either tell them you were the victim of revenge porn or fake porn.

To be clear, no one should be sending nude videos and photos as you don’t know where they will end up.

I texted him afterward and told him that I don’t want any of the content shared or seen by anyone. He responded that he understood and said I shouldn’t worry. However, in person, he made comments — which he later called ‘jokes’ — about possibly posting them one day. I told him those comments made me uncomfortable, and he insisted it was just a joke. I don’t have anything saved on my phone — everything is with him.

Now I keep thinking — what if it ever comes out and I don’t even know? Can I ever feel decent or lovable again? Would it be fair for a future partner to find out something like this?

If you met a new partner and they found out there was an image of them online would you decide they were indecent and unloveable and end the relationship? If a friend or relative came to you and said there was an image of them online would you decide they were indecent and unloveable?

You need to report him to the police.
Him saying he might is a threat.
The police take this very seriously.
Did you feel a bit pressured by him in the moment to do this?
If so tell the police.
They will help you.

OP, this is not a reflection of your loveability in any way.
You were naive, thats all.

You can get these deleted by contacting the police and asking for help.

Do not see this scum ball again.