Feeling anxious — regret about sharing private photos/videos

[KellyR1]

Hi everyone,
I’m posting here because I’ve been feeling really anxious and I don’t know who else to talk to.

I’m currently seeing a guy, and I shared some private/intimate photos with him. He told me that it really turns him on, and he’s been sending me things as well. We were together last night, and he filmed us — and now I can’t stop thinking about the fact that he has all these photos and videos.

With my ex, I was comfortable with that kind of thing, but I realise now I don’t know this new guy well enough, and I should have said no. I feel like I crossed a boundary that didn’t feel right for me.

He hasn’t threatened me or done anything with the content, but just knowing it exists — and that he could share it one day — is making me feel sick with worry. I barely slept last night thinking about it. I texted him and told him I was feeling really anxious and asked him to delete the ones where my face is visible… but I haven’t had a reply yet.

I just want my peace of mind back.

Has anyone been through something like this? How did you handle it? I’d really appreciate any advice, thoughts, or just someone to listen.

Thank you!

I’ve thought about talking to my best friend, but I feel scared to share it. I’m afraid of being judged or blamed, even though I know she cares about me. I also have a therapist, but even with her, I feel anxious opening up about this. It’s all just really heavy to say out loud.

I’m so sorry OP. My advice is this:

1. Tell your friend, and your therapist. You’ve done absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you just made a mistake. An error of judgement. He is the one who should be ashamed. You need support to get past this.

2. Keep him sweet with the goal of seeing him in person again asap - ie tonight if possible. Then make him delete the videos in front of you - or snatch his phone if you can unlock it and delete them yourself, checking he’s not shared or uploaded them. The come down heavy on him! And decide if that’s the end of the relationship.

I’ve realized he’s a red flag and I definitely wouldn’t pursue anything further with him.

Part of me still feels like I should meet him just to make sure the photos and videos are deleted in front of me — but I’m not sure how to act now in the chat. He already gave me that “don’t worry, I promised you, there won’t be a problem” message, and just recently, he sent me a video he filmed yesterday. I opened it but haven’t responded.

You haven’t done anything wrong. But he’s now acting like a sus wanker. Your instincts are telling you he’s not trustworthy. Tell him you want them deleted, but if he’s not a good guy they’re probably already up on the internet somewhere.

You could try searching for them and if he has uploaded them, go down the criminal route. Or you could dump him, chalk this one up to bad judgement and then if anything does come back to bite you, deny, deny, deny and say it’s a deep fake.

Please tell your therapist. She will definitely not be judgemental and she will give you good advice. Could you talk to her today?

Is your face visible? I’ve done this with ex partners but nothing that could ID me in real life. Again not ideal and I wouldn’t say I regret it but I wouldn’t do it again - I have similar stuff from them but again no faces visible.

I can talk to her on Wednesday. 😢

It’s visible. I won’t do it again as well

Good. Tell her everything on Wednesday. I'm sure she can reassure you and give good advice. She knows you better than we do in here. In the meantime, take care of yourself. You will be fine.

Personally I'd pretend you're fine, say "ok, I'm a bit of a worrier, haha" or something, pretend to still want to see him, and arrange to meet for a coffee or something.

Then ask him face to face, and be prepared to make a scene.

Personally I wouldn't antagonise him with more requests to delete especially over text, this could trigger him. He could be a decent guy and feel pissed off you are not trusting him or he could be a collector of this kind of content from many women or worse case he could show people/ send it out.

It's too late now, my ex shared content of me with his new gf of all people. Some people.are frankly bonkers. Its something I wouldn't do again with anyone after that, some people.have no boundaries and are plain weird.

On the of chance he's a decent guy and you want to go further with him he won't be feeling great about your lack of trust about it so imo it's a lose lose situation.

he’s probably using it as his personal
wank stash but guys have been know to uploads to porn sites but it’s harder to do now as most sites require ID and a selfie of you holdkng the ID

Wait till you see him next and then ask him to delete the images in front of you
make sure you check the deleted files app on the phone and check Watsapp
you could even check his Watsapp on his phone and see if he’s sent them anywhere

if he won’t do this report to the police

I’m starting to feel like maybe not saying anything at all is the best move for now. I already expressed how anxious I felt, and he just brushed it off. I’m thinking I’ll leave it for now and see if he contacts me again — maybe eventually meet him again and calmly ask him to delete everything then, in person.

He said before that he likes being seen and enjoys nude beaches

That sounds sensible to me. Ask your therapist on Wednesday what her advice is.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP but please speak to your therapist and learn from this.

Is this anxiety worth it just to be wank fodder for a random bloke?

What should I even do now?
Should I worry?
Should I blame myself? Punish myself?
How am I supposed to move on normally after this?
Am I allowed to enjoy life again — or am I stuck in this forever? 🥲

Why did you do it when it seems such a casual relationship? You're not in danger but this person doesn't seem very nice if they've not responded with of course I'll delete them straight away.

You will always blame yourself, especially should something bad happen regarding the images, it's human nature. You made a decision in the moment which hasn't even backfired yet.

Should it happen to backfire even though you feel awful it is his fault and he is the creep. R.E. my last message regarding my ex, I will never get over it and regret my choices but he's the psycho for sharing that personal content. All you can do is act non-chalant now and be as before, see of that leads to another date in person and then discuss it with him honestly like you have us. If he gets it he'll delete in front of you. If not bin him, if the worst happens contact police immediately.

I’d be tempted to take this approach as you can’t have any evidence he’s deleted anything if you’re not actually with him, but you don’t want to do anything now that reduces the chances of seeing him and having the opportunity to do that.

In terms of how you’re feeling now I would highly recommend you read overcoming low self esteem as you’re being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. You’re a human who made a human mistake, one that many people will have also made. The book will help you learn how to reach a point where you believe what I’ve just written.

To be honest OP, I don't think you should worry about this. People can make photo and video content these days using AI. If he's the type of person to share personal content of another person online, he probably could have done that anyway with a fabrication even if you didn'tgive him anything.

No one has any control over that these days. I know you are concerned because you gave him actual footage with your face in it...but the rest of the world wouldn't be able to know what's real or not...and if it does get shared then he could be criminally charged.

As others have suggested I'd see if you can get them deleted in front of you. But whether that happens or not, of course you can date again and move forward. You just have to try and put it behind you. Everyone at one point or another has done something they wished they hadn't

100% agree with this - you need to meet him face to face and then get him to do it in front of you. The fact he's responded with anything other than "of course, I'll delete them right now" suggests he doesn't care about your feelings, so drop him once you've done it. Good luck!

Speak to your therapist about it and try to keep your head screwed on until then.

You have images of him, it was a reciprocal thing, plus you aren't the first and most certainly won't be the last.

If I was you I'd act normally, if you feel you can in the headspace you're in, and arrange to hang out as planned. Ask him to to delete them in front of you, and you'll delete the ones you've got of him at the same time, as you've changed your mind and feel uncomfortable.

Learn, and move on. You've not broken the law, you've not done anything hurtful or malicious, or behaved badly. Get it in perspective, all you need to do is not do it again.

My DH must have about 20 hours of video footage of us going way back, but I would never have done this with anyone I wasn’t married to.

Thank you all for being here with me ❤️

I don’t have any of the photos or videos from him because he sent them to me on Instagram, and they disappear. But he still has everything.

The only thing I would say is that he has also shared things with you, so I think it's extremely unlikely he would do anything untoward with your photos/videos since he presumably wouldn't want his shares either!

You can't undo it now but just learn from it and the importance of knowing your boundaries and sticking to them.

Try not to worry 🌺