Husband acting off since his catch-up at the pub

[NeedToGetThisOut0]

Bit of a long one, sorry.

DH went for a catch-up drink on Friday with a couple of old mates from school — nothing unusual there, he’s done it before. But since then he’s been acting really odd. Off in his own world, jumpy when I come into the room, glued to his phone but insists it’s just the group chat being “bantery”.

We’ve been together 12 years, 2 DC, and I’ve never had reason not to trust him… until now. He keeps saying he’s tired or stressed with work, but that’s not it. He left his phone on the table last night while putting DS to bed and a message popped up from someone saved as just “S”. All it said was “Still thinking about it x”.

I didn’t open it. I know I probably should have, but I feel sick even typing this. I asked him who “S” was and he said it was “an inside joke” from the lads chat. Really?

He went quiet after that and spent the rest of the night in the kitchen pretending to do a food shop order.

Am I overthinking or is something going on here? I don’t want to start snooping but I also feel like a complete mug sitting here pretending it’s all fine.

WWYD?

Very very suspect. Do you have proof who he was with and where he was on Friday for his drinks? You need to get into his phone and see what else ‘S’ has to say for themselves and if that message has been deleted, or you can’t find a ‘S’ you have your answer.

He's cheating.

I can't think of a plausible explanation that would explain the still thinking about it comment that isn't dodgy.
I think you have just cause to snoop

Sorry, OP. Think you know the answer. You need to ask him outright.

You know, I’m sorry.
If he’s not happy to share his phone and show the messages between him and S…. Well that says it all.

Very dodgy.

How could you not check the message and call history??????
If you can’t get to his phone now you need to ask - and if all messages with S have been deleted m, there’s no call history and S is no longer in his contacts, then you’ll know. I can’t think there’s any innocent explanation

I’m not usually someone who goes straight to cheating but I’m sorry @NeedToGetThisOut0 the signs are pointing in that direction.

I hope you’re OK and the signs are wrong

I can't think of any reason to try and rationalise his behaviour; it doesn't sound good at all. Sorry, OP.

Oh how horrible.

Do you feel up to demanding he shows you the messages? If they are deleted or he refuses then you have your answer, really.

Trust your gut instincts

Forgot to say, when bantering with their mates, how many lads sign off with an 'x'?

I would be wondering too. Do you think he met an old flame?

Is he acting odd in other ways? Showering alot. Putting clothes in the washing machine?

Sorry OP, I’d think he definitely cheated. I’d ask him outright, why he’s acting so cagey.

If it's banter, why would he not laugh it off and show you all the shenanigans between the lads? If I knew my partner saw something weird and questioned it, I'd say have a look, pass the phone over instantly. Why is he choosing to let you worry yourself sick if he could prove it's nothing in seconds. So sorry you're going through this.

Thanks all — honestly feel a bit sick seeing it written out like that but you’re all just saying what I’ve been thinking deep down. I’ve never had this horrible feeling in my stomach before with him, and it’s not going away.

No, I don’t have proof of who he was with exactly — he said it was Jamie (not real name obvs) and two others from college but I’ve never met them. He’s always just said “the lads” when he goes out, which I’ve never really questioned until now.

I know I should’ve checked the phone properly. I panicked. It felt like crossing a line but now I feel like a fool for not looking when I had the chance. I’ve just looked now while he’s walking the dog and the message from “S” is gone. Nothing in call log either. No contact under “S” now at all.

He came back from the pub in a good mood, but really quiet the next morning and hasn’t been himself since. Keeps saying work’s stressful and he’s “not sleeping well”.

I haven’t noticed anything like extra showers etc. but now I’m second guessing everything.

I don’t know how to bring it up without him shutting down or flipping it on me. Part of me wants to just say, “Is there something going on?” and be done with it.

Not sure I’ve got the nerve.

I’d do more digging - he’s already lied to you once, he’ll do it again. Can you check bank spend, look through his Google history. Did you check his mates ‘banter’ group or the person he said he was with on Friday?
I’m sorry, but the fact he’s deleted if is proof he’s at least hiding something from you.

He will have most likely saved “S” under a different name now so it will be unlikely you will find out what name it’s saved under - probably one of his mates names.

You really would have been better off not mentioning it. I certainly wouldn’t confront him over it now as he will have more reason to hide/delete everything to cover up his tracks and think of more lies and excuses to tell you.

My advice would be to not mention ‘S’ again and make him believe you have forgot about it. Don’t confront him or ask him about it. Just carry on as normal so he doesn’t suspect you’re on his case while secretly monitoring his behaviour. The last thing you want him to do is put a passcode/ Face ID on his phone so you can’t get on it at all - which he will do if you start to ask him questions or ask him if there’s something going on - he isn’t ever going to admit it, he will just lie to you. Just bide your time and collect as much evidence as possible or he will just delete everything and make his phone inaccessible so that you won’t find any evidence and he will ultimately just get away with doing what he’s doing while gaslighting you!

Unless there are messages archived but not fully deleted - or pictures deleted but still lurking in ‘deleted file’ then the only thing on his phone will possibly be messages (or lack of them) between his ‘mates’ at the relevant times. I was in one relationship that started as a secret affair, if you’re disciplined about it, it’s not too hard to hide things, incognito browsing, secret email accounts, shower & change at work, at the gym etc . He’s 100% having an affair - saying that because I’ve been there - it’s really now about whether you ignore it , keep asking and looking for proof while it gnaws away at you, or whether you just act now.

If there hasn't previously been any suspicious behaviour i would assume he met a woman whilst out and had a snog/one night stand and is now messAging her
the fact that he's deleted a load of stuff definitely rings alarm bells, if it was just "banter" he wouldn't need to would be

You’re right — I think I’ve been too soft about it. I just didn’t want to believe it could be anything like that. But deleting the message and contact speaks volumes doesn’t it? He’s definitely hiding something.

I hadn’t even thought of checking the bank or Google history — will have a look when I get a minute. I didn’t check the lads’ group chat either, just panicked and came off the phone. Kicking myself now. And I’m sure he’s changed the name if he’s kept her number, if that’s even what it is.

The advice about keeping quiet for now makes sense — he’s already acting cagey and if I push he’ll just lock everything down. He hasn’t got a passcode yet, but if he puts one on I won’t stand a chance of seeing anything again.

Feels horrible even writing this — playing some kind of waiting game just to catch him out. But I think you’re right. No point confronting without anything solid. He won’t tell the truth, not if he’s gone this far already.

I don’t know how people do this. Feel like I’m stuck in a soap storyline and I just want to wake up and it not be real.

Sending positive thoughts your way op. I hate shit like this, it turns my stomach and I can’t imagine how you must feel. I am sorry he’s being so weird and I hope you get to the bottom of it xxx

It’s awful op. And it’s extremely hard to go through something and bide your time, pretending to be all lovey dovey with them while you know there is a very high chance they are betraying you. I’ve been there myself but I made the mistake of confronting and I just ended up being gaslighted, told it’s all in my head and that he’d never hurt me. The ONLY way to get to the bottom of it is to unfortunately wait it out, make it appear that you let your guard down and then when they let their guard down too, you pounce. It’s hard, because all you want to do is just tell them that you know what they’re up to.

Would he oppose to giving you his version of the context? See how quick he thinks on his feet. To me 'still thinking about it x' sounds like someone had some fun and it's still a nice thought or he's propositioned S and she's not sure whether to go ahead or not. But, ultimately, he's deleted it so you'll never know. If it was innocent, why would he have deleted it, did he delete the 'other' msgs from the lads? Doubt it. Assume the worst, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck... Just take some quiet time to let it all sink in. You don't need to do anything immediately except get your head together and process this shock. Whatever happens from here, do your best to look after yourself.

Thank you — honestly just reading these replies helps. Feel like I’m losing my mind a bit and questioning whether I’m overreacting but I know I’m not. That message didn’t come from “banter” and there’s no reason to delete if it was innocent.

I keep swinging between wanting to scream at him and demand the truth, and then just trying to hold it together until I’ve got something I can’t be talked out of. I know if I go in now it’ll just be more lies and I’ll be made to feel like the crazy one.

It’s already hard keeping a straight face around him. He came back from his dog walk with a coffee for me like nothing’s wrong and I just wanted to cry. He doesn’t even realise I’ve gone quiet — or maybe he does and he’s just trying to act normal to throw me off.

I can’t believe I’m even in this situation. One message and everything feels upside down.