Husband acting off since his catch-up at the pub

[NeedToGetThisOut0]

Bit of a long one, sorry.

DH went for a catch-up drink on Friday with a couple of old mates from school — nothing unusual there, he’s done it before. But since then he’s been acting really odd. Off in his own world, jumpy when I come into the room, glued to his phone but insists it’s just the group chat being “bantery”.

We’ve been together 12 years, 2 DC, and I’ve never had reason not to trust him… until now. He keeps saying he’s tired or stressed with work, but that’s not it. He left his phone on the table last night while putting DS to bed and a message popped up from someone saved as just “S”. All it said was “Still thinking about it x”.

I didn’t open it. I know I probably should have, but I feel sick even typing this. I asked him who “S” was and he said it was “an inside joke” from the lads chat. Really?

He went quiet after that and spent the rest of the night in the kitchen pretending to do a food shop order.

Am I overthinking or is something going on here? I don’t want to start snooping but I also feel like a complete mug sitting here pretending it’s all fine.

WWYD?

Him deleting it is absolutely red flag. The kiss on the end - a guy didn’t send that. You just need to ask him and watch his reaction. Don’t be afraid to tell him you looked.

His behaviour sounds like the guilt is kicking in. Either his college friends include a woman and something finally happened between them the other night or it was a cover for seeing a woman that is completely unconnected to that group.

You can wait for further proof but you do have enough to go on. His behaviour, the message itself which is pretty damning and the fact he deleted all record of it.

Is his WhatsApp backed up by iCloud? If so, you can delete WhatsApp and then reinstall it (assuming he doesn’t have a passcode for installing apps) and restore chat history. Check you can install a free app without a passcode before deleting (look up on Google).

If you are not willing to snoop you will have to confront with what you have. I would simply say ‘I know what you did and I can’t believe you would do this to me.’ Then walk away. Don’t engage with him until he is willing to be honest. Just keep saying ‘I am only going to talk to you if you are honest with me and leave nothing out.’ He may keep saying ‘I don’t know what you are talking about’ and you just keep reiterating ‘you do’. Don’t doubt yourself. He deleted it because it’s something he doesn’t want you to know about. Your power is he doesn’t know how much you know and how.

I'm so sorry OP. I could tell straight off something was going on with my husband when he started his affair. Just the same as your husband he told me it was work stress, everything was fine he just had a lot on 🙄
The message is very suspect but him deleting it is hard evidence he's hiding things from you.
Nothing will get better from you trying to believe everything is fine. You need to be really firm with him in getting answers and set your boundaries clearly. Be prepared to ask him to leave if he doesn't give you satisfactory answers and details immediately.
It won't get better on its own
For what it's worth my husband and I are still together and doing well a year after the end of his affair but it's been a long hard road. Make sure you prioritise yourself from here on out and make sure you have plenty of real life support.
Sending lots of love

He’s cheating op. I’m so sorry but I can’t see what other reason there is for his strange behaviour and the covert message. You need to find the courage to confront him and accept the fact that your marriage is over.

Was he actually out with old mates? I would assume he was out with 'S'. If not he should be happy for you to take his phone and call 's' to see who answers.

is he usually stuck to his phone having ‘banter’ with his friends?

Does he have social media? Can you check if he’s accepted new friends since Friday? Maybe could track in that way? Also, check if there are any hidden WhatsApp messages. You could also check the contacts in WhatsApp - maybe there is a male name with female photo in WhatsApp? What would you do if he cheated? Have you decided? Think of the plan first, don’t act on emotions. Do what’s best for you.

I agree with keeping quiet for now.

@NeedToGetThisOut0 It’s pretty obvious he’s up to no good with another woman. You just don’t know how far it’s got yet. You asking him about who “S” is gave him the heads up to change that persons name in his phone to something else and delete the messages. There is no point in asking him anything as he’s already lied to you. No cheater readily admits they are cheating and when they get caught out they may admit “some” truth but it’s always watered down.

The odd behaviour, the saved contact with just an initial and then the amended contact and deleted messages all confirm he’s at least talking to someone he shouldn’t. So if I were you I would not say anything further and do some digging.

If that persons name starts with S then it’s likely he’s restored the name under a blokes name beginning with S. People tend to not venture too far from the real name when making up a fake one. Have a look at the whats app pictures of all contact’s beginning with S whose name you don’t recognise.

Yeah. He’s cheated. I’m so sorry OP.

I agree with most people that it sounds very dodgy. The only thing that would make me think he isnt guilty is that you say he doesnt use any kind of pin etc on his phone, so he must know that you could access the contents on his phone. If I was cheating I wouldn't leave my phone lying around when I wasnt there with no pin access or similar to gain access to my phone.

I’m sorry to say but this doesn’t look good. Id have my guard up and be monitoring what he’s doing very closely

All very odd behaviour, why would you have a contact under a initial. I'd echo what others have said check it's not been archived.

You can either keep checking his phone or have it out with him. It sounds like you're already at breaking point so it may come out anyway.

Just need to be careful deleting all messages. He got unlucky in that she sent one at just the wrong time….

I would be looking at his bank to see if he spent any money at the pub on the night in question

Shame you said something and didn't demand to see his phone at the time op. He must be cheating, there's no other explanation I can think of and I don't often say that on threads.

start with bank. I agree.

Well exactly you cant control when someone messages you so a password would be needed if you've got stuff to hide

I’d be packing his bags, OP. Even if he hasn’t cheated, even if he hasn’t even had an emotional affair, the way he’s been treating you is not acceptable. You can do this 💕

You've been blindsided by this OP. Some good advice on here about biding your time. Although it might feel like you are in the dark, you do know one important piece of information: the person who sent the message has a name beginning with S.

Hi how are you feeling

I think he might have met someone when he was out with his college mates- was he home unusually late that night, or did he stay over at his “mates”.

I think him leaving his phone at home when he took the dog out was deliberate so you could see there was nobody called S and no messages there.

You can't prove it any more. The start of potential gaslighting.

He may not gave cheated yet but was thinking of it. S may have been thinking about the deed or forgot a ? and it's meant to be 'Still thinking about it?'.

@Rainbow988 what a great idea to re-quote the whole original post for the incisive reply

If he’s confidently leaving his phone around after he knows you saw the message, and he’s deleted all evidence of S, I would look at his blocked list and see if there’s anyone there, S or otherwise. Maybe he got guilty and ended it.
However, I’d also check his app downloads for other ways of communicating- Snapchat, Telegram etc. he might well have deleted from contacts but moved to another platform for contact.

I hope you’re ok @NeedToGetThisOut0