Am I a diva or is this the end?

[Hesitatingbeauty]

My partner is an events plannner on top of their ‘normal job’ .
Last year we missed out on holiday together because they kept organising events for times we could have gone away and it left it too late for us to book anything together so I went away alone.

They have promised to check in with me in future around planning events.

I have found out via fb that they have booked events the weekend of our anniversary and the weekend of my birthday, both my birthday and our anniversary fall on Mondays this year which we both work our normal jobs and I have childcare responsibilities on Mondays straight from work so I’d have hoped to plan something for us for those weekends prior to the Mondays .

I also have bought tickets and made plans for their birthday weekend later in the year which they know about.

This comes at the end of a long list of slights and forgetting and dismissing my feelings when I complain.

Our last anniversary was a sad occasion for me because of things my partner did which made me feel second best so I was hoping for more effort this year.

I know they will say those significant dates are Mondays so technically they are still free for us to do something and that I am ‘welcome to attend’ the events but this hasn’t been discussed and I don’t really want to, especially as one is likely to feature an estranged family member.

I am nd, I don’t know if my partner is, certainly not diagnosed but they always say it’s a medical concern that they keep forgetting things (it’s only ever things that are important to me, regular stuff and friends’ needs etc are never forgotten)

I haven’t said anything yet about the anniversary weekend because RSD, I don’t know if I’m being a diva about it? I’m so used to minimising and not trusting my own feelings but I feel so forgotten and uncared for,

whenever I complain my partner says they’re a ‘terrible person’, they feel ‘awful’ and sometimes offer to cancel the events which would then let loads of people down, lose them money etc which I see as a kneejerk reaction and would just make me feel worse.
So then I say don’t cancel and partner says ‘I can’t win’

I think we’re at the end of the road, but coming here for other opinions, is it me with the problem ? !

Should add, with the holiday thing , they used most of their annual leave for said events which are also very social occasions for them and they are often not in a good way afterwards so even if we planned something for example of the Sunday of my birthday weekend I’m not necessarily sure I’d want them around my kids, whilst ‘recovering’ , plus it would feel like an afterthought if we arranged something now last minute just because I’ve complained so it is a stalemate situation really

Did you block the weekends in question out in your shared diary, or were you expecting telepathy to communicate with him

Their second job is a priority for them. They have shown they will not compromise on this. You will have to accept this and plan things accordingly, or not and end the relationship.

They are showing you that you aren’t in any way a priority.

(And why should he beed telepathy, she’s been open about her feelings about this before?)

Can you do something the weekend following your birthday and anniversary instead of the one before?

I have brought it up multiple times. I was with them when they took the booking for my birthday weekend over the phone. As soon as they put the phone down I said that’s my birthday weekend and partner just looked embarrassed and didn’t say anything.
We don’t have a shared diary, we have talked about it but in the end the agreement was that they would check in with me prior to making bookings so despite not using telepathy we have had this discussion enough times, especially with upcoming holiday season:

Birthdays are a massive deal for them and their family, there’s often events they do without me and my partner says they didn’t realise I was free that day etc hence not thinking to invite me.

Their own birthday is a big deal to them hence my buying tickets and planning for their whole weekend.

Their second career is well established and they have enough events on throughout the year to not have needed to book anything in on these weekends or for our holidays.

When I went alone last year partner was upset and I have not booked anything yet for me and the kids in the hope that partner will be available as they have said they ‘really’ want us to go away together and hated when I went alone last year.

Interesting that people assume your partner is a man...this is not necessarily the case!

It seems to me that your partner could remember, if they wanted. They have had warnings, you've told them but they haven't taken any of what you've said on board. Is this a pattern in your relationship otherwise - that they say 'yes yes' but actually do what they want anyway?

Unfortunately both those weekends fall when I have my kids for the whole weekend (alternate weekends I only have them on Sundays) , we can do something with the kids but it is not the same and we have very little couple time because of this second job.
i do lots with my own friends so I am not waiting for partner all the time but I do feel sidelined and we have discussed this so much , especially in light of trying to plan holidays and me seeing some bookings get made literally under my nose and partner still not saying hang on I’ll just check to see if I’m free!

All the time. Their latest excuse is they think they might have dementia

Sounds like it's time for you to make a decision. What's your boundary here? What is and isn't acceptable to you in a relationship? Then decide - where do I want to go with this.

A form of dementia that involves them remembering to set things in the diary that they have decided to do? Doesn't sound very likely.

I think this relationship may have run its course, OP. Sorry. But you deserve better than being ignored.

They have said multiple times they will compromise and that ‘we’ come first. But the actions are speaking louder. I don’t know how to deal with this latest event, we had just started making tentative efforts to workaround some of this making me feel unimportant and second place when I saw the latest post pop up on social media last night and it just hit me to the core
. I haven’t said anything yet as they were at an event yesterday and it didn’t feel appropriate to message in the middle of that and say I see you’ve booked out the whole of the weekend where we could have celebrated our anniversary.

Doesnt sound like things will ever change. The issue has been raised multiple times, and now this year when the opportunity has come for something different to happen, it hasn’t. They’re very work focused, which is fine. You need to feel like a priority to your partner, which is also fine. But it doesn’t sound like your relationship goals align. They don’t include you in their own big family birthday plans, but still set time aside for that. They don’t keep any time aside to properly celebrate your birthday. This doesn’t really even sound like a relationship where you are fully meshed in each others lives.
You’re not being a diva. You just have different priorities in life… If you want to feel like a priority, you will need to be the one doing that and start either setting non negotiable boundaries or walk away. They’ve made it clear how they intend to prioritise their time…

I don’t know how to, I think because of my nd, I let so much slide and partly out of respect for their career , hence my post, am I being a diva, could I compromise even more, bend over backwards so I disappear altogether or wait a full week to celebrate important events on a day so far from the significant dates with my children there so we don’t get any ‘romantic’ time as a couple?

Thank you, the checking in with me on dates was a non negotiable boundary we set and agreed. I feel it’s been broken but technically these days are on Mondays, not the weekends they have booked

Exactly, I laughed at this and was told I am being mean to dismiss their legitimate health concerns

We don’t live together, how do I address this? Over the phone, face to face, by message? I’m so out of my depth standing up for myself but we did agree this one thing and I know they’ll have me on a technicality

text: ‘I’m very disappointed you have booked out all the free time there was to celebrate my birthday. I don’t want a partner who can’t be bothered celebrating events with me, and you know that because we’ve had multiple conversations about it. Is this you taking a cowardly way of saying you want to end things? It feels like it.’

And if they reply your birthday is the monday
you say: oh? What amazing things have you planned for the Monday then? Or does it being on Monday just mean you assumed I was going to skip my birthday this year? Because nobody ever thinks that way.

Message them as then you can think out what you want to say. You are absolutely not being a diva. They are consistently failing to plan things with you, or include you in their plans. You are not as important to them as they are to you. Personally this would be enough for me to end the relationship as it clearly isn’t going anywhere.

OP, my DH is rubbish at sorting things for my birthday (for my 50th, he didn’t get me a present until months later) and things like that BUT he makes me feel loved and appreciated in so many other ways, so I accept that’s who he is and am okay with that. It doesn’t sound as though your DP ever makes you feel valued, and your sadness shines (wrong word but hopefully you know what I mean) through your posts. You definitely don’t seem like a diva to me; you sound lovely — and your DP sounds like a bit of an arse…

I don’t think you’re necessarily being a diva. More to the point is that you’re not happy. If you’re not happy I would end the relationship. You don’t need to worry about whether they’ll get you on a ‘technicality’.

If your partner is running an events business, then realistically, they have to be available, unless another event is on the same day. They can't afford to turn down paid work, if they want to build a reputation and clients. Yes, they do need to build in time as a couple, which they're clearly not doing. Your partner needs to discuss possible dates for a holiday, and block them out - no accepting events on those dates. If your partner isn't willing to do this, then unfortunately the business is more important than you. If the business is new, I do understand why your partner may be reluctant to turn down business. If it's an established business then, there needs to be a balance. Again it's down to your partner's priorities - if it's the business and you feel neglected, may be it's time to call it quits.

Thank you. I’m incredibly sad. I feel myself disintegrating, my confidence has dropped massively and it’s hard to talk about irl because my ‘partner’ is so charismatic and popular and generous.
very kind and NEVER lets anyone down, except me and occasionally their own adult children who frequently make excuses for their parent.
They do lovely romantic gestures and hugely affectionate and acts ever so upset when I say how these things make me feel

If they wanted to, they would.

If this was my relationship, I'd think it was very clear I was nowhere near the top of their priority list, and would be ending things