Am I a diva or is this the end?

[Hesitatingbeauty]

My partner is an events plannner on top of their ‘normal job’ .
Last year we missed out on holiday together because they kept organising events for times we could have gone away and it left it too late for us to book anything together so I went away alone.

They have promised to check in with me in future around planning events.

I have found out via fb that they have booked events the weekend of our anniversary and the weekend of my birthday, both my birthday and our anniversary fall on Mondays this year which we both work our normal jobs and I have childcare responsibilities on Mondays straight from work so I’d have hoped to plan something for us for those weekends prior to the Mondays .

I also have bought tickets and made plans for their birthday weekend later in the year which they know about.

This comes at the end of a long list of slights and forgetting and dismissing my feelings when I complain.

Our last anniversary was a sad occasion for me because of things my partner did which made me feel second best so I was hoping for more effort this year.

I know they will say those significant dates are Mondays so technically they are still free for us to do something and that I am ‘welcome to attend’ the events but this hasn’t been discussed and I don’t really want to, especially as one is likely to feature an estranged family member.

I am nd, I don’t know if my partner is, certainly not diagnosed but they always say it’s a medical concern that they keep forgetting things (it’s only ever things that are important to me, regular stuff and friends’ needs etc are never forgotten)

I haven’t said anything yet about the anniversary weekend because RSD, I don’t know if I’m being a diva about it? I’m so used to minimising and not trusting my own feelings but I feel so forgotten and uncared for,

whenever I complain my partner says they’re a ‘terrible person’, they feel ‘awful’ and sometimes offer to cancel the events which would then let loads of people down, lose them money etc which I see as a kneejerk reaction and would just make me feel worse.
So then I say don’t cancel and partner says ‘I can’t win’

I think we’re at the end of the road, but coming here for other opinions, is it me with the problem ? !

The business is well established, thirty years and the money isn’t necessary. It’s 100% for love and often as favours for other people so half of the anniversary weekend is almost a freebie event which they definitely don’t need to do but I would never ask them not to do it, hence the discussion and agreement to check in with me first, not on all the dates but certainly around significant ones and around the school holidays.
this says to me that our anniversary and my birthday are not significant dates in my partner’s head and this is why I was never consulted

Would you? How would you frame it to not sound controlling? I don’t want to say anything that’s seen as an ultimatum or trigger a kneejerk cancel everything as they have said before they will do and I’ve talked them out of it because it’s not fair on others involved, makes it look like I’ve driven the cancellation and I don’t want to be the afterthought, I want the consideration beforehand not a dramatic gesture to make me feel better because it would just make me feel worse.

I wouldn't really care about the anniversary and birthday weekends personally - could you both book the Monday off work and do something nice together? Or have a different weekend away if it's important to have a whole weekend thing?

But not being able to book a summer holiday either with or without them would not be acceptable to me. Could you book a week away with your kids in the summer then say October half term with your partner as well?

We ended up waiting as long as October half term the year before last and it still didn’t happen so me and kids went away in October half term that year.
last year I waited so long I ended up booking something last minute at the end of the holidays on my own while my kids were with their other parent.
partners day job makes it very difficult to book odd days here and there and they are reluctant to use days up like that plus as a part time worker with kids with Sen I would rather use my leave for holidays and the many school and health appointments I need to attend throughout the year.
I am always compromising and we agreed this thing ref checking in

If it was the first time, then you could have a conversation about it, but it sounds like it's just the latest behaviour that shows they care about everything else over you.

So you wouldn't need to frame it in any way - you don't need to give them a detailed explanation. I wouldn't be giving them an ultimatum (cancel or I end the relationship), I would be ending the relationship because they've shown you time and time again that they don't care as much as they should.

You shouldn't have to ask them to cancel, they shouldn't have done it in the first place (after agreeing to check dates with you). They have done it, AGAIN, so if it were me, I'd be done.

Or just stay together and keep being disappointed time and time again 🤷🏼‍♀️

lol, like I do now? Yeah I absolutely don’t want them to cancel , it’s after the event and would make me feel worse

Start by taking 5 mins to yourself every day to connect with you who are and what you want. You're not a diva. You're a woman with needs, desires and wants. That's totally valid.

Thank you, I am used to neglecting my needs and grew up in neglect.
update: partner has just woken up and asked me if I’m attending either event on our anniversary and/ or offered to slot me in for lunch between the two, funny it came out of nowhere , makes me ponder if they read here 🤣
I said no, maybe being churlish but said I’ve made other plans after seeing the fb posts advertising said events

You frame it as the relationship is not working, that you aren't feeling cherished or particularly wanted anymore, thst you have different needs that aren't being met, and that maybe it's the end of the road for you as a couple.

You couch it in general terms rather than zoning in on specifics or doing ultimatums. You've already had the specifics discussions and nothing has changed because he doesn't want things changed. He might "offer" but hell would break loose if you accepted that offer.

Know your worth OP and don't settle for anything less.

Update: we have mutually ended the relationship, my partner isn’t going to change and has said their selfishness is the cause but clearly no attempt to change a lifetimes behaviour and I think my constant asking for change and consideration plus recovering from big night last night has caused my partner to feel it’s more trouble than it’s worth 😪

my partner isn’t going to change

Concentrate on that part if you start struggling. He's admitted he is focused on himself and you are in the background. You are worth more than a fleeting thought. You deserve more

Thank you. I am heartbroken to be honest and I can’t stop crying but I know it will be worth it to get some clarity back and stop feeling so let down and diminished all the time

The ‘events planning’ is more important than you, and you won’t ever feel happy in this relationship or be a priority.

Sorry it had to end like this, but probably for the getter.

Thank you for comments. In all honesty we should have been over a long time ago. I kept holding on and believing for change in lots of things, this issue is just one of many and some quite entrenched behaviours which have all really affected me and have all made themselves more than apparent the last few weeks. I am a glutton for punishment though , great at excusing others and forever the optimist !

@Hesitatingbeauty
Sympathies.
Your future is starting though.
Bright and happy.

Oh I'm sorry 😞 I hope you get over the heartbreak soon, and just think how much happier you'll be in the long run!

Thank you, it’s been death by 1000 cuts if I’m honest, one blow after another and I have allowed myself to be talked back around each time because of the good parts of our relationship but I realise they’re only good as long as I don’t ask for anything more than they want to give.
i have observed a lot over time and it is definitely a pattern of my partner to be very self serving and uncompromising in certain cases, and I think because I am nd I made a lot of allowances because some of their behaviour fit that rigidity but over time I realise that rigidity only applied when it is for things that please my partner.
i also made allowances because when I challenged I was often met with seemingly self loathing or terrible guilt so I would then spend the time placating, smoothing feathers and telling them how amazing they are
im an empathetic and compassionate people pleaser 🫣

Empathy and compassion are two of the best qualities in a person, I think. You'll find someone who deserves those things from you, when you're ready - your ex really doesn't deserve them!

I think the heavy drinking at all of these events is also a major concern. It means that they're not available the next day, and it's also not professional to be drink when running an event. It implies a reliance on alcohol that won't be pretty as you age. It may not feel like this now, but be thankful that you and your kids don't have to live through watching someone being increasingly reliant on alcohol. Those friends expecting cheap events and a great party will disappear the moment your ex needs support, and suddenly you'll be first priority for taking care of them.

The friends are all the same honestly, they all enable each other !
I was always kidding myself when I believed the promises of change, further consideration, adapting patterns, compromise etc.
I witnessed this happening recently with their adult child and saw how quickly it was excused and laughed off by Everyone in the group as something cutesy once they realised that my ex was not backing down.
I have been incredibly naive about this whole situation, I think I was blinded by our long friendship and all the things other people love and see about them which I would get too but it’s the things other people don’t see which really hurt me

Exp often asks for concrete evidence or ‘receipts’ to prove my ‘perception’ is real !

Sorry, but you lost me at all the they/thems. How many people are involved in this relationship? Just say he or she if it’s just you and one other person.

That's just plain mean. It's very easy to follow OPs posts.