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Original poster

New Widow having an affair with good friend

59 replies

lurcher4 · 30/05/2025 16:38

Hi, all, I'm new here, I lost my hubby 5 months ago, I tried to wake him, i thought he was having a lie in, but he had died un his sleep due to a brain bleed, he was only 45,
Now I've started an affair with my close married friend who lives next door, we had an affair year's ago whilst I was single, I never cheated on my hubby, I never would have, but now I'm completely obsessed with this married man again, he's constantly watching me and makes every effort just to see me through the window,
I don't understand what the hell I'm doing, my head is just full of him,
I know it's wrong etc but I can't get my thoughts right at the moment.

OP posts:

F1LandoFan · 30/05/2025 16:41

I have the utmost sympathy for you for what happened to your husband.
But having an affair with a married man… that’s a no no for me. You’re just contributing to the heart ache of another woman :(

RealEagle · 30/05/2025 16:42

What about his wife!!!

Enrichetta · 30/05/2025 16:43

Can you move…

PoliteSpud · 30/05/2025 16:43

I think this thread is going to do you a lot of harm, OP and I would consider asking MNHQ to take it down.

what you are going through is a serious crisis related to your grief and you need to get strong support.

what you will get on here is judgement about the affair and it will be bitchy. You don’t need that at all - so get this taken down and/or don’t come back to this thread.

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 30/05/2025 16:45

Just stop it, that’s a terrible thing to do. You’re going through a massive trauma that most of us can’t even bear to imagine. But there are limits to how selfish that allows you to be. Get some help dealing with your grief instead.

category12 · 30/05/2025 16:45

It sounds like you're displacing your grief to me, by obsessing over this guy instead.

At some point, you're going to have to deal with it.

I think you might regret it if you carry on the road you're on with cheaty mcfuckface.

Feelingdownbutnotout · 30/05/2025 16:46

I'm really sorry about your DH.

This man you are having an affair with isn't your friend. He is taking advantage of you when you are really vulnerable.
I lost my DH very suddenly and I know how it knocks you for six mentally.

So this married neighbour is behaving disgracefully to you and to his wife.
You should try and step back from this relationship.

Do you have any friends or family you could go and stay with to distance yourself from him, and who can support you?

Mwnci123 · 30/05/2025 16:46

PoliteSpud · 30/05/2025 16:43

I think this thread is going to do you a lot of harm, OP and I would consider asking MNHQ to take it down.

what you are going through is a serious crisis related to your grief and you need to get strong support.

what you will get on here is judgement about the affair and it will be bitchy. You don’t need that at all - so get this taken down and/or don’t come back to this thread.

This.

nopineapplepizza · 30/05/2025 16:47

You’re probably caught up in widows fire which makes you desperate for sex, but that is still no excuse for having sex with a married man.

Being a widow doesn’t remove your morals or give you an excuse to hurt others.

When I was widowed I was offered sex by virtually every single man I knew, plus several married ones. Do not think you are special, he is using you while he can, and preying on your vulnerability.

Stop this foolish behaviour now and stop hurting others who really don’t deserve it.

SeaFloor · 30/05/2025 16:48

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. Unsurprisingly, you’re in grief and shock and not capable of making good decisions at the moment. This is a spectacularly bad one. Can you get away geographically for a while and get yourself a therapist who specialises in bereavement?

Kipperandarthur · 30/05/2025 16:55

I think you are in the midst of grief and I'm so sorry.

But what you are doing is not going to help you in the long run. It will make everything much worse than it already is.

The affair will become known and you will come out of this spectacularly badly irrespective of your terrible loss. This will just compound your grief and make you feel even worse than you do.

Take time for yourself at this horrible time. Do not get muddled up with a married neighbour who really should know better under these circumstances.

ExercicenformedeZ · 30/05/2025 16:58

I'm not going to kick you, OP. Normally I am very very much against people who help others cheat, and think that they are just as bad as the married party. While you do need to end the affair, I would say that you are a victim here. This man sounds horrible and predatory, your head will have been all over the place and he zoomed in on you like a heat-seeking missile. Move, you need to get away from this creep.

outerspacepotato · 30/05/2025 17:00

Your "friend" is being predatory and taking advantage of your grief.

Are there grief support groups where you are? If so, go. If not, find a therapist. Using him as a distraction is not a healthy way to deal with your grief.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

muggart · 30/05/2025 17:00

i’m so sorry for your loss.

this is going to end badly and all the grief and trauma and heartbreak will hit you in one go.

Please seek counseling and surround yourself with people who actually care (not this guy who is taking advantage).

Tiredofwhataboutery · 30/05/2025 17:03

I do think lots of people leap into things after being bereaved especially when it’s sudden. It’s like having been so close to someone who died you need to feel alive again so sex.

This man though you know he’s no good for you. He’s a cheater and is taking advantage of your vulnerability. It’s actually really common for recent widows and divorcees to get hit on by all the husbands friends.

If you have the cash/ time Id go travelling for a month and take time to heal.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 30/05/2025 17:07

Sorry about your husband, but nothing will ever justify you having an affair with a married man. Disgusting behaviour irrespective of your circumstances or however you feel. I hope you’re both ashamed of yourselves.

PoliteSpud · 30/05/2025 17:16

Mumofsoontobe3 · 30/05/2025 17:07

This ^ is the sort of reply that is wholly unhelpful and could do damage.

OP, you are like a shaken snow globe right now. You are looking for strong emotions that can stand up to grief: like crazy risky sex or starting an affair thread on Mumsnet. But please take care.

Filling a thread with loads of ‘sorry for your loss but’ type posts is not progress.

TooBigForMyBoots · 30/05/2025 17:18

I'm so sorry for your loss @lurcher4. Grief is overwhelming and many will grab onto any other emotion to try to stop it. It doesn't work. The grief will still be there only more complicated.

Please contact Cruse or another bereavement charity. They will be able to help.

Your neighbour is a creep and a scumbag.

LakotaWolf · 30/05/2025 18:08

It hasn't even been half a year since your husband died - you've barely begun your grieving journey. You are still probably trying to cope/make sense of things and you are very emotionally vulnerable right now.

Was he married when you "had an affair" with him "years ago" when you were still single?

Summerhillsquare · 30/05/2025 18:11

Widows fire is a thing, and he is taking advantage of that.

Tulipsontoast · 30/05/2025 18:16

Sorry for your loss BUT… I don’t even think that you can blame grief. You were single last time but as you’ve said affair I’m assuming that he wasn’t single?

Whatado · 30/05/2025 18:17

I love that you say your wouldn't have cheated on your husband but had no issues living next door to a couple who you had been involved in an affair years prior..

When you get through your shock, this will absolutely sicken you. And it will make everything so much worse.

That's without the risk of people finding out. Your marriage and relationship with your deceased husband will be reduced to gossip and people speculating you were screwing around his back while he was alive.

Especially with someone so close to home. You don't mention if you had children but if you do this could seriously harm them.

Just stop. Because this has the potential of leaving you even more isolated and absolutely drowning in self hatred for yourself.

Moveoverdarlin · 30/05/2025 18:22

I feel for you OP. I don’t think you’re remotely disgusting as someone said upthread. It’s pretty obvious what is happening and wouldn’t take a genius to figure out you’re transferring your grief on to this obsession for your neighbour. Whilst you’re thinking about him and focused on the affair you are not consumed with grief. You’re effectively blocking out the grief. I get it, but you’re sailing very close to wind by choosing your NDN to do it with.

jljlj · 30/05/2025 18:23

Just stop it.

This is the 2nd time you have got into a sordid relationship someone else's husband. He's obviously a shit or he wouldn't cheat on his wife like this. Why are you sleeping with a shit?

I can accept that following the death of your husband that you feel wretched and wanted to connect with someone. But that doesn't explain why you had a relationship with this man previously, or why you stayed living next door to him.

Daffodilsarefading · 30/05/2025 18:25

You are very vulnerable op,
I blame the married man here.
He isn’t a decent man.
Stop the affair. Tell him to do one. He probably shags around all the time.
Have you friends you can see instead to occupy your time?

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