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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New Widow having an affair with good friend

59 replies

lurcher4 · 30/05/2025 16:38

Hi, all, I'm new here, I lost my hubby 5 months ago, I tried to wake him, i thought he was having a lie in, but he had died un his sleep due to a brain bleed, he was only 45,
Now I've started an affair with my close married friend who lives next door, we had an affair year's ago whilst I was single, I never cheated on my hubby, I never would have, but now I'm completely obsessed with this married man again, he's constantly watching me and makes every effort just to see me through the window,
I don't understand what the hell I'm doing, my head is just full of him,
I know it's wrong etc but I can't get my thoughts right at the moment.

OP posts:
RedRock41 · 30/05/2025 18:26

PoliteSpud · 30/05/2025 16:43

I think this thread is going to do you a lot of harm, OP and I would consider asking MNHQ to take it down.

what you are going through is a serious crisis related to your grief and you need to get strong support.

what you will get on here is judgement about the affair and it will be bitchy. You don’t need that at all - so get this taken down and/or don’t come back to this thread.

Sorry for your loss OP. That must have been devastating. Unlike this poster though, not going to infantilise you.
MN is not en masse ‘bitchy’. Wide range of views put forward. Rightly so and be up to you what weight if any you give to posts or if you opt to just not read or engage further. Grief and trauma are so tough. That said, even with head all over the place that doesn’t render you incapable of making decisions. All would accept can cloud those you do make. End of day. You can’t help how you feel and should work through it. You absolutely can and should control how you act.
Your support network, friends and family if they are around and found out could abandon you. That fall out on top your own struggles could make a difficult situation even worse (way worse than any MN comment!). It is wrong and you don’t get a pass to hurt other people just because you’re hurting. You know this and might be why on some level you posted here.
Do hope you can get away. Distance needed.

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 30/05/2025 18:35

You say you never cheated on your husband while he was alive yet you were an affair partner whilst you were single. And now you are a willing affair partner again with the same man.

This is a deliberate action on your part and you must seek counselling ASAP. This is not in your best interest and you're contributing to the breakdown of another woman's marriage. You need to stop @lurcher4 especially as he's your next door neighbour & it can go catastrophically wrong for you.

AmyDuPlantier · 30/05/2025 18:37

I had a really traumatic time a few years ago and ended up making some truly reckless decisions; inside I felt ragged and desperate and raw and like I would do anything to claw my way out of my own skin.

I really really understand. You know it has to stop. It won’t go unnoticed, and irreparable harm is likely to be done.

But I empathise very much. In your grief you can become someone you never expected.

Doseofreality · 30/05/2025 18:37

He’s taking advantage of you, I think the kindest thing anyone can do is point that out to you.

Ohnobackagain · 30/05/2025 18:37

Feelingdownbutnotout · 30/05/2025 16:46

I'm really sorry about your DH.

This man you are having an affair with isn't your friend. He is taking advantage of you when you are really vulnerable.
I lost my DH very suddenly and I know how it knocks you for six mentally.

So this married neighbour is behaving disgracefully to you and to his wife.
You should try and step back from this relationship.

Do you have any friends or family you could go and stay with to distance yourself from him, and who can support you?

This @lurcher4

JustSawJohnny · 30/05/2025 19:51

Sorry for your loss, OP but I'm afraid I have zero sympathy for your current actions.

If you want to be with this man, tell him to leave his wife. If he won't, end it.

The loss of your husband does not excuse you shagging someone else's.

Clearly you have it in you to do this anyway as it's not the first time.

You need to spend some time sitting in your own discomfort and ask yourself why you think this abhorrent behaviour is at all acceptable.

Uricon2 · 30/05/2025 19:56

I was widowed in my 40s. I think this affair is an act of self harm which has the potential to make you feel even worse than you do now. I know you probably can't imagine that, but it does.

Please step away from him and get some help with your grief.

YourPearlSnake · 30/05/2025 20:27

I sympathise deeply as someone who was widowed younger than and more traumatically than you but I would never have used it as an excuse to flip that pain onto an innocent woman. No excuse for homewrecking, it's just plain nasty and grieving does not excuse it. I will and have never disrupted someone else's relationship because I have read so many stories of women killing themselves over it. End it now and hope the wife never catches you. How do you know the OW isn't some vicious psycho who's gonna come into your house while you're at work and fiddle your gas and disable your monoxide detector?! She knows where you live and probably your routine, better hope you don't get a brick through your window. You are playing with fire my friend.

polarsystem · 30/05/2025 23:42

I’m really sorry for your loss. Assuming you must be quite young If your husband was only 45. I think you need to end all contact with this man (hard living next door). You need to focus ion coming to terms with your grief at this present moment. I can’t say I think very highly of this neighbour as, you’re at the lowest point right now and, he should not be exploiting that. Of course it takes 2 to tango.

Renabrook · 30/05/2025 23:50

ExercicenformedeZ · 30/05/2025 16:58

I'm not going to kick you, OP. Normally I am very very much against people who help others cheat, and think that they are just as bad as the married party. While you do need to end the affair, I would say that you are a victim here. This man sounds horrible and predatory, your head will have been all over the place and he zoomed in on you like a heat-seeking missile. Move, you need to get away from this creep.

A victim? Really, so women have no control over their decisions that is utterly ridiculous

Opuoi have chosen to do this so own it, but he is the one cheating so keep the self respect you have left if any and just stop

ExercicenformedeZ · 31/05/2025 00:06

Renabrook · 30/05/2025 23:50

A victim? Really, so women have no control over their decisions that is utterly ridiculous

Opuoi have chosen to do this so own it, but he is the one cheating so keep the self respect you have left if any and just stop

Show quote history

As I say, I normally would totally agree that women are 100% responsible for their decisions and I can't stand how this place never blames the OW and insists that they are blameless. However, what is different about this instance is that the OP was extremely emotionally vulnerable and this man sounds predatory.

MiracleCures · 31/05/2025 00:12

Was your husband aware you had had an affair with his next door neighbour. Or was he made a fool of by living next to him and never being told?

SallyDraperGetInHere · 31/05/2025 00:12

outerspacepotato · 30/05/2025 17:00

Your "friend" is being predatory and taking advantage of your grief.

Are there grief support groups where you are? If so, go. If not, find a therapist. Using him as a distraction is not a healthy way to deal with your grief.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Yes. He’s opportunistic and predatory. Hes not a good person, and can cause you and his family real and permanent pain and damage. I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m very sorry that you will also, in your grief and undoubted loneliness, have to dig deep for the resolve and strength to push this neighbour away. In the future, you will look back with hurt and anger at how he exploited your need for love and companionship at this awful time.

Notsosure1 · 31/05/2025 00:13

Summerhillsquare · 30/05/2025 18:11

Widows fire is a thing, and he is taking advantage of that.

She admits to having an affair with him BEFORE she was married ffs.

If the man you loved was fucking the woman next door who you presumably thought was your friend, would you feel sympathy because she was ‘grief-stricken’?!

There are plenty of single men who would give her sex if her supposedly involuntary/ uncontrollable (selfish) behaviour is the result of ‘widows fire’ or whatever other twee term ppl want to put on it to excuse her fucking over the wife so she takes absolutely no responsibility, go find them, OP.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 31/05/2025 00:14

Renabrook · 30/05/2025 23:50

A victim? Really, so women have no control over their decisions that is utterly ridiculous

Opuoi have chosen to do this so own it, but he is the one cheating so keep the self respect you have left if any and just stop

Show quote history

People make poor decisions in times of crisis. That’s why bereaved people are often advised not to make huge life changes when they are in mourning, but to wait six months or longer.

Thunderpants88 · 31/05/2025 00:20

Your husband would be turning in his grave.

no excuse to have an affair

whatflite · 31/05/2025 00:22

OP this can’t be real, and if it is you know how so very wrong it is. I’m sorry for your loss but you cannot blow up someone else’s life too.

RedToothBrush · 31/05/2025 00:24

You are grieving already.

This has only outcomes which are unpleasant.

  1. you fall madly in love and he wants to be with you and live happily ever after. Except you are stuck living next door to the ex wife in any scenario ending like this.
  2. she finds out and it all gets really ugly and you get stuck awkwardly living next to one of them at least unless they reconcile in which case it's both of them.
  3. he plays you like a fool and he keeps pestering you even when you realise he's taking advantage but you are stuck next door to him
  4. he strings you along and you eventually end up heartbroken and they are still living next door.

There's having an unwise affair. And then there's having an affair with your neighbour.

That's doubly stupid.

Why are you putting yourself through this? It is only going to cause you massive drama and emotional stress.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 31/05/2025 00:26

Move house

MiracleCures · 31/05/2025 00:29

SallyDraperGetInHere · 31/05/2025 00:14

People make poor decisions in times of crisis. That’s why bereaved people are often advised not to make huge life changes when they are in mourning, but to wait six months or longer.

Show quote history

Ops being making poor decisions ever since the first affair.
I can't imagine her husband would have willingly wanted to spend his life living next door to a married man she has been secretly shagging before they met.

In fact I struggle to believe anyone is this bad at making decent decisions about how to treat others

IberianBird · 31/05/2025 02:16

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my first husband very suddenly, he was early 30s, so I know the pain you're in.
That however does not excuse your behavior. I would recommend grief counseling and to stop all immediate contact, as hard as that may be being neighbors.

ClairDeLaLune · 31/05/2025 08:48

OP this man is a bastard. He is cruel and evil. He realises how vulnerable you are and he’s preying on you for sex. He’s taking advantage of you. He is not your friend. Please try and ditch him, this will only end badly for you and you’ll end up feeling worse.

This is not your fault, it is 100% his. You’re grieving, you’re in a terrible place, you’re not responsible for your actions. However he is. He’s spotted a woman at a very low ebb and he’s thought - ooh a great chance for an easy shag. He’s a lowlife piece of scum.

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Please seek some proper help, like bereavement counselling. This is not the way to feel better, you’ll just end up feeling worse.

3luckystars · 31/05/2025 08:55

It’s called ‘widows fire’

It is ‘limerence’ towards the man, I’m not judging you it’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone (the limerence) and you also are going through massive grief and shock.

Get therapy, it’s all I can advise.

He sounds like a right creep. Just step away, if he is the real thing, he will still be there in a year or two, but he is not the man for you it’s just physically helping you forget what has happened. He is not right.

I’m so sorry x

good luck

RedJamDoughnut · 04/06/2025 12:12

Please stop. Affairs are so bloody cruel to the partner.

Notsosure1 · 08/06/2025 10:44

ClairDeLaLune · 31/05/2025 08:48

OP this man is a bastard. He is cruel and evil. He realises how vulnerable you are and he’s preying on you for sex. He’s taking advantage of you. He is not your friend. Please try and ditch him, this will only end badly for you and you’ll end up feeling worse.

This is not your fault, it is 100% his. You’re grieving, you’re in a terrible place, you’re not responsible for your actions. However he is. He’s spotted a woman at a very low ebb and he’s thought - ooh a great chance for an easy shag. He’s a lowlife piece of scum.

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Please seek some proper help, like bereavement counselling. This is not the way to feel better, you’ll just end up feeling worse.

This is not your fault, it is 100% his. You’re grieving, you’re in a terrible place, you’re not responsible for your actions.

You what??! Are you serious? The woman was shagging him before she even had a husband to grieve - while he was married to someone else - what was her excuse then? Pre-widow’s fire?

She’s not responsible for her actions?

So where’s the line? Theft? Assault? Murder?

Ridiculous - it’s not a get out of jail free card. This is presumably why women get avoided and shunned by other women when they lose their partners and husbands - this expectation that they are suddenly gagging for it with anyone who shows them any kind of attention or kindness - and it’s not their fault.

Bloody hell - don’t expect any invites to dinner parties or other get-togethers for the forseeable, ladies, as you clearly won’t be able to control yourselves if any men-folk are there, but again, it isn’t your fault.

Married ladies who agree with this sentiment - if OP was to shag your husband - would you be fine with it bc she’s not responsible for her actions as she’s blinded by this mythical but obviously legitimate widows fire?