Success stories with anxious / avoidant relationships?

[tecbrowidow]

I've been reading a lot about attachment styles, something honestly I wish I'd done before settling down, but alas, no time machine. I've got an anxious style, which means I get very preoccupied with my relationship and bend over backwards to resolve issues, often taking responsibility when really it's not my problem to solve and when I'm out of energy. To my partner the burnout and subsequent requests for help look like me being critical of him or making unreasonable demands. My partner has an avoidant style, which means if he feels criticised or there's an issue his response is to go silent and back right off. Raising a child, managing a home and working full time without enough emotional or practical support from my partner leaves me lonely, miserable, cross and exhausted a lot of the time. I don't want to separate because I think we might be able to move on from stalemate and rebuild a the happy relationship we used to have. I'd like to hear from other people who have been stuck in the anxious / avoidant dynamic and managed to get back to a healthy place?

Anxious and avoidant are the two most incompatible styles, I'm sorry to say. Does he recognise his style/patterns? Does he want to change? Even if he wants to, it may not be possible.

Try the Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno. She's a therapist and she works through a relationship like this with an American couple.

I would seriously consider not further raising a child in such an environment. What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. Anxious and avoidant is a forbidding combination. Unless he also wants to put the hard emotional work too re his own self you are on a hiding to nothing. Do not stay in a relationship either for the sake of the child.

You appear to be a people pleaser and that is also a problem for you in its own right.

Consider counselling for your own self to unlearn that along all that crap you have learnt about relationships and from that rebuild your life without him.

How and why has this relationship got to the stage of raising a child together? Do you really want to continue in this way or is your anxiety preventing you from leaving?

What I'm really looking for here is other people's stories of how they worked through this dynamic rather than advice to leave. Even if we separated I'm still someone with an anxious attachment style, I'm still vulnerable to getting into this dynamic again. I've had horrific dating experiences in the past so I'd rather repair the difficult relationship I have than go back on the dating market.

Well it will be you doing all the changing because it’s nailed on that he won’t. Avoidant men are that for a reason. He wont change. You will have to if you want to carry on and just accept him for who he is. If you need more than that, you will need to move on.

The problem you have is common with the dynamic you speak off. You are trying to fix/rescue. The avoidant is continuing to avoid. You can change how you interact in the relationship but the avoidant will still avoid and even as you become less dependent on him I suspect you will still feel emotionally lonely because that is how avoidants make others feel. You often see avoidants replying to threads on here, they dismiss emotional problems, they make light and minimise them, they invalidate other posters, they intellectualise. It is not uncommon at all but it is very unpleasant and for a person who is not solidly grounded in their own experiences, an anxiously attached person, it causes quite a bit of discomfort and cognitive dissonance.

As others have said you can’t change him. Work on yourself to understand where your anxieties come from. Having an insecure attachment style develops from needs not being met in childhood but doesn’t have to ruin your life. You know that about yourself so some work to change your patterns may be beneficial. If he sees a problem in himself maybe he will do the work. In any case of your own acceptance and increased understanding of who you are may mean that you cba to deal with that shit anymore. Also listen to some podcasts on co-dependency. It doesn’t have to involve substances - but anxious/avoidant is screaming out for it to be a pattern.

fwiw I am generally pretty secure but avoidant a mess up my head like nothing else. I am in a secure relationship but still exploring that side of me as it can have impacts on friendships etc. I seem to attract avoidants 😂

It will only work if you both go to therapy, are self aware of how your behaviours show up and harm relationships and you are both putting forward equal effort.

I ended such a relationship because his only response was to stick his head in the sand and blame everyone else. Tbh I haven’t ever known of an avoidant making a complete turn around, the selfishness and lack of awareness runs very deep.

The right person won't trigger your anxious attachment though.

As others have mentioned, it often comes from not having needs met as a child. There is something in you that subconsciously seeks out men who are not emotionally available to you or who continue this pattern because it is familiar.

You can’t work through it unless both of you are putting the effort.

You can try everything you want but if he keeps to his ways, it will not work. It will be just you bending over backwards a little further for nothing.

I used to be very anxious in relationships and disastrously dated a few avoidants. The solution is not to try to fix an avoidant until you get the validation you want, it’s to learn to give yourself that peace and validation. And when you get to that place, you just find avoidants too complicated, contradictory, flakey, unstable and not worth the effort.

We had this style. It's was awful.

I came to the relationship fresh out of therapy and quite secure in attachment after having an abusive childhood. That anxious attachment runs deep it's really hard to shake especially if you're then with an avoidant who has no clue that he is.

Therapy for both of us(much more for him) was the only way. He needed to first learn how to even have conversation and not run away/ feel hyper rejected/critised.
The moment he started learning some skills and emotional intelligence with some consistency in the relationship. For me my anxious tendencies disappeared he was readily giving the reassurance so much I didn't really need it. It's become a way of life for him and brought us much closer. He now brings up conversations and will happily be the one to bring up difficult topics. He even helps other men now too.

What I would say is if your partner doesn't see a issue and doesn't want to tackle it. It's pointless. There is also the hard work of finding a good therapist. They are out there but we went through 6 to find the right fit. It also took a lot of time. There might be other things that come up that might need working through like abuse or trauma.

@MightyGoldBear what made him decide to go to therapy?

It got to the point he was depressed and suicidal.I was going to divorce him.

Unfortunately for a lot of men things have to get really really bad and impact them negatively before they do something.Especially avoidant men who would rather put their head in the sand for as long as possible.
So whilst we have so far been some what a success story I think we are very much an exception.

Our whole lives are interwoven children finances,house etc I had a lot at stake so was just about willing to try and wait while he figured his side out. I focused on saving and investing in me. Ducks in a row and all that. I do think me being ready to leave and knowing I would be absolutely fine without him. Really helped the penny drop for him.

The irony is he finds life so much easier now and is happier but I couldn't for the life of me explain or get him to see that before. He had to come to his own realisation. I think being in a men's group helped him see other men changing and going through real life scenarios. That it was OK to get things wrong but try again. He actually helps other men now.

I think you have to be honest with yourself in how much time you want to invest In someone who may never change. For me had it been a early relationship no major ties it wouldn't of been worth it to me to stick around. Hopefully you're partner is different i dont know but life is short. Do what's best for you op.

@MightyGoldBear we've been together almost 7 years, own a property and have a 3 year old child.

Oh apologies I must of missed that in your first post. All the more to fight for. Do you think your partner will be open to going to therapy or a men's group?

Do not remain with such a man for the supposed sake of your child. That rarely if ever works out at all well either.

re your comment

"What I'm really looking for here is other people's stories of how they worked through this dynamic rather than advice to leave".

If he is not interested then this is still your best option. Also consider what you want to teach your son about relationships and what he is learning here currently from you two.

"Even if we separated I'm still someone with an anxious attachment style, I'm still vulnerable to getting into this dynamic again.

Correct so you need therapy to help with unpicking all of this relating to your childhood.

"I've had horrific dating experiences in the past so I'd rather repair the difficult relationship I have than go back on the dating market".

Or you adopt the third option of being on your own and not dating or entering into any further relationship until you have your head and boundaries sorted out.
It is beyond fixing or repairing if he is not bothered; he also has to put the work in. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sows ear. Why is it also seemingly solely down to you to repair a difficult relationship also?. Its not your sole task to do that and thinking otherwise is a mistake. Is he not equally responsible?.

Sweetheart there is only one way through this. Paychotherapy. Separately and together. Each one of you should work through their childhood trauma and take steps to a more secure attachment style. But you both have to be committed to it. There is no other way to work through it and not losing yourselves.

@MightyGoldBear he won't go to therapy, he flip-flopped about it at the start of the year and I got to the point where I'd found a therapist who was happy to see either just me or both of us, and he backed out and never came to a session. Part of the reason I'm asking here for success stories is I've tried almost everything I can think of from my side to improve things now. I'm at the stage where I'm just really trying to stand back and stop fixing anything for him and really focus on my own well-being, for example I requested one night and morning a week where he handles toddler wake ups so I can get more than five hours sleep in a block, he grudgingly agreed, but he gave up on the morning childcare and brought my daughter in to me in the end. So this week I'm spending my full night's sleep in a hotel nearby. It feels bonkers, but I think it's the only way he's going to actually learn how to take full responsibility overnight (and the only way I'm going to regain my sanity by catching up on sleep).

I'm really sorry you're going through that. It's really unfair on you. It shouldn't have to be that hard at all. You deserve so much more.

What was his reason for backing out on the counselling?
Have you sat down and said look I'm at the end of my patience with this? Unfortunately the whole avoidant mindset and if he has seen his parents or family do any of the waiting for something to blow over and life "returns" to normal (it doesnt resentment builds) then he will absolutely do that.

Unfortunately all you can do is be very clear in communication of what you need from the relationship in which it sounds like you have. Other than that like you seem to be doing is focusing on you and what you need to be in the best place. As infuriating as it is you can't change him he has to do that. You working with a therapist would be great. Perhaps working towards having you're own timeline in your head of what you need in place to feel fully confident/independent I don't know what that might look like for you sometimes it's child in school being able to work full time etc a timeliness of how long you are willing to work at things and wait to see if he will join you.

That doesn't necessarily have to be a ultimatum for him (although you ca share it with him if you like )but an idea for you. I know I got to the point where I could bare to live like it anymore it was harder than just being on my own it was exhausting. I need a end point in sight. I hope you're partner chooses to engage but you deserve to know where you stand regardless of him and that is something you can provide yourself.

Would he be anymore interested in a men's group rather than counselling? I know they seem a very american idea but it can be a softer way of approaching it all with others who are going through similar struggles.

@MightyGoldBear I don't know where to look for a men's group, what should I Google? I think he wouldn't go to one. He's very evasive about counseling, he just says it wouldn't benefit him to go to counseling and won't discuss it further. You're on the nose about his family, he is terrible at communicating with his mum and doesn't offer her any practical support when she hints she needs it. His mum grumbles a bit, but she's rarely direct in her complaints and she let's it drop. His dad left when he was 1 and was very flakey about spending time with him when he was a child, missing a number of years of his life. His dad clearly wants a closer relationship with him now, but my partner rarely replies to his messages.

“Raising a child, managing a home and working full time without enough emotional or practical support from my partner leaves me lonely, miserable, cross and exhausted a lot of the time. I don't want to separate because I think we might be able to move on from stalemate and rebuild a the happy relationship we used to have”

Op, with the greatest of respect, and as someone who has also been the victim of a dismissive avoidant, he is emotionally abusing you. He may not be intending to, but unfortunately what he’s doing, is emotional abuse. Managing a child and a home without enough practical or emotional support is the behaviour of an extremely selfish person. It doesn’t matter if their attachment style means they have these traits, unfortunately avoidant people lack the ability to self reflect and instead make everything all about them. If you try to talk to them, they put the blame on you and shut you down. It’s emotional abuse!
It has nothing to do with YOUR attachment style - because regardless of what attachment style he is, he will always display this behaviour inna relationship with someone with a secure, or fearful attachment. If you try to make them aware of their attachment style, they go into denial mode, refuse to acknowledge it, then ghost you to ‘punish’ you for the fact you ever dared to notice any flaws in their behaviour!

The avoidant man I used to be in a relationship with ended up in a new relationship with an avoidant women and then came back and moaned at me that his girlfriend was too avoidant and kept disappearing for months. He seemed genuinely baffled and annoyed that this women wasn’t chasing him and was in fact running away from him and avoiding him and couldn’t understand why!
When I firmly shut him down told him that I don’t want to be saddled with his issues and moaning, just like he never wanted to be saddled with my issues and would shut me down and that maybe, just maybe he could now see how he’d treated everyone else in his life. He was furious at me and blocked me (good riddance 😂).

Unfortunately op, if you do enough research on avoidant behaviour, you will realise that your relationship will never be the same as it was in the beginning, it will never come out of ‘stalemate’ and will be, forever the same no matter how much you try to change it.

These people know they are avoidant, they know their behaviour isn’t normal but carry on regardless, leaving a trail of destruction in people’s lives and then play the victim when confronted with the truth!

You cannot have a healthy relationship with an avoidant person. It’s impossible. They don’t want what you want and will sabotage any attempts from you to improve things. I’m not at all surprised he let you down about the childcare.

They low level hate you and your expectations and they’re prone to cheating or leaving suddenly.

True. Even 2 people in a relationship who both have avoidant attachment styles are also incompatible. They really aren’t compatible with anyone.
I really wish they wouldn’t seek out relationships, only to then cause so much destruction to other innocent people’s lives! They really are better off being by themselves (as they proudly like to point out by claiming they are ‘self sufficient’ and don’t need anybody).

Also op, he agreed to help you one morning and one night a week with child care and he couldn’t even do that because he gave up on it. What would happen if you just decided to give up on child care? This man isn’t just avoidant he’s a complete deadbeat and a waste of space! Dumping all his shit he doesn’t want to do on to you then shutting you down when you raise the issue with him! He chose to be in a relationship with you and let me guess - he love bombed you for the first 6 months then thought better of it, but instead of just telling you he wanted out, he continued in the relationship to avoid confrontation like the coward he is! He made a choice, I doubt you held him at gun point. He chose to be in a relationship and be a dad and now he’s choosing to opt out of it because he’s selfish, manipulative and avoidant.

If you tried to get him to do therapy and he backed out then that says a lot about him. He isn’t interested in the relationship, you, your feelings or his child, he only cares about himself! He will never change and the sooner you realise that and the sooner you realise you can’t fix him the better - for both you and your child’s sake