How would this person ever afford their own place.

[Cheffymcchef]

I am writing this as the 30 year old daughter of two adults who plan to split. Before anyone asks why I still live with my parents, it’s not just a cost thing, I am disabled, have autism and epilepsy, have seizures and while I don’t work and am on ADP/PIP I volunteer - I am also looking for sheltered/some sort of housing and hand in money. My name is on the council list but I have no children. I have a boyfriend of a few years but we aren’t ready to live together yet.

anyway. I won’t go into masses of detail but my parents have had an unhappy marriage (cheating has been involved I found out age 13 and told my mum but they stayed together for me and sister who is NT and lives alone now)

They aren’t divorced. My dad is quite well off and earns around 70k a year. I’m not sure how much he has in savings but not enough to buy a house outright presumably. We live in a house bought for 210k in 2009 and the mortgage will be paid off in a few years. Dad is very tight/ doesn’t like spending money and is convinced mum will end up staying. The house is going to eventually be sold but basically the sale of the house won’t pay enough for my mum to live in her own place even if everything is split. My mum refuses to rent says it’s throwing money away. She’s on the housing list like me but doesn’t think she has much chance. She doesn’t have family who she wants to live with.

mum doesn’t have a job, just her pension. She doesn’t have a degree like dad and spent most of her life bringing me and my sister up. She’s done odd little jobs but not now. She’s in her late sixties. Dad late fifties.

dad would never willingly hand over her money if it meant she left him. He’s in denial.

I know she’d probably get half of everything in court but nothings being pressed forwards and I don’t know how long a court battle would take.

they both are kind of stagnating and I just want her to be happy. I know there’s not much I can do but is there any advice you’d offer her?

im also sad there’s no place for me if they both move away (my mum wants to move an hour or two away) as i dont want to move , but im aware thats inherintly selfish of me and thats why im looking at sheltered housing

I just want my mom to be happy. she seems so depressed stuck here. But then again so does dad sometimes, Thanks guys

Supported accomodation is what I meant sorry.

we moved about a lot. Dad and mum were never good at making friends and mum was a bit protective because of my health issues and never got us childminders. But even before that they agreed mum would bring us up while dad worked. That’s what they said when I asked.

mums done a few PT jobs over the years. Mainly shop work. The last one she got made redundant from she says she feels too old to work now. She’s doing a bit of Invigilating for uni students but only a few weeks a year.

she never claimed carers allowance. Don’t know why. Once I found out about it I suggested she do it but she can’t get that as well as her pension I believe.

Mums 67, dads 60

While I’ve been epileptic since a toddler, my larger status epilepticus tonic clonic seizures only came back two years ago although I have only had bad focal seizures for a while now. I had a late autism diagnosis when getting help for an opiate painkiller addiction and have been on methadone a while, I had a breakdown when moving here and dropped out of school at 14. So I’ve been a crap daughter and she’s somewhat been a carer yes. I asked why she didn’t apply for carers allowance when I was younger and she said she thought I wasn’t disabled enough.

teachers suggested I was autistic as a kid but mum and dad always pushed back and didn’t want be to get diagnosed, I pursued it as a 23 year old

I’m on AdP, regular daily living and enhanced mobility

Your mum should start by finding out what savings and assets your Dad has squirrelled away. Look for paperwork or if she can see his emails / digital files to see what she can find. If she asks him outright he might lie and /or go and hide things.

She should speak to a family law solicitor to clarify what she’d be entitled to in a divorce, especially after such a long marriage. She could be entitled to spousal maintenance (rare) and/or a larger share of assets, particularly because she gave up earning potential to raise children and she’s older so has less earning power in the future.

Some solicitors offer 30-minute free consultations.

In terms of housing, your mum may be more eligible for council housing than she thinks, especially if she ends up with limited income and assets post-split and if she’s over 60 and classed as “vulnerable” (which might include risk of homelessness, social isolation, etc.). Can you encourage her to speak directly to the housing team at the council?
Over-55s retirement apartments (shared ownership or housing associations) might be another option.

As well as a solicitor, she could also speak to Citizens Advice Bureau to help her think through pension options, budgeting if she receives a settlement and they’d be able to help her see if she’s eligible for any benefits (e.g. Pension Credit, housing benefit)

Your mum probably feels stuck partly because she’s worried about you. Let her know (which I’m sure you have) that you’re making plans, and it’s okay for her to prioritise her own life now. That might be the nudge she needs to really start acting. It’s not selfish to be worried about her moving away, that’s completely normal.

Wishing you both the best for your new future.

So I’ve been a crap daughter and she’s somewhat been a carer yes

This is absolutely not true - you sound like you’ve had an incredible amount of things to contend with, and you should be proud of what you’ve achieved. This is absolutely no reflection on you being a crap daughter - far from it. Your Mum & Dad should love you for who you are. This could be a real positive for you Op if you can find a way to live independently. 30 is a great age to start afresh and build a new life for this next decade. Is your sister nearby? Can she offer you support in this transition?

A house bought for £210k 15 years ago would likely be worth a good bit more now. It needs to be valued, but I would hope at like £300k if not more. It is certainly possible to buy a flat for £150k in many places. Your dad is earning well and still working and probably has a decent pension. I’d expect your mum to possibly get slightly more than half if she’s been a carer, so say, £175-200k. Your dad similarly will need to look for a little flat and possibly take out a small mortgage or draw on savings, which he should have loads of earning £70k and having such a small mortgage.

She does have her own bank account whereas the joint account is the only one my dad uses so he says. Dad isn’t very good at saving for interest purposes/ investing and has only opened his first ISA a year ago.

i will tell her all of this. Thankyou for your help. I just don’t want her to have to stay for me, I feel so responsible for that and because I told her about the cheating back when I was 13.

Dad doesn’t consider mum a carer and I don’t know how it legally works. I’m not sure she’s listed as my carer. But I will check.

My sister is in the nearest city so around a 45 minute journey away. It’s very expensive to live where she stays, my mum and dad gave her a 20k deposit and she works full time.

my mum and dad want to live in another city in a different direction, so around an hour from where I am now, and 2 hours from my sister.

i must admit I hardly see her now, she is NT, has loads of mates and doesn’t know the ins and outs of dads cheating. But perhaps I could visit her more.

Quite a few councils have specific accommodation for people either over 55 or over 65. So while lists for council housing are long it might be that she’s eligible for that.

failing that do what I did after a divorce and move to a much cheaper area.

Thankyou. We are actually in pretty much the cheapest area locally although I’m aware that sounds ridiculous with a 210k house,

I sound awful here, but my mum and dad are quite snobby about where they live. My partner has a council house and that doesn’t bother me but my parents are notoriously picky with houses, I remember when they got this one and they looked at in excess of 200 houses first over a year period

not officially I don’t think. I think her and dad just agreed when they got married she’d bring us up , she started working part time when I begun secondary school

she took me to some appointments but I didn’t have loads as a kid, I have more as an adult she takes me to some

As your Mum is over the Government retirement age now, what she worked as or didn't work as is now irrelevant.
Does she claim her state pension ? as you say she has her pension or do you mean a little one from her shop work.
can she claim her state pension ? or not because dad is still working and much younger.
Is she entitled to a full state pension ? this can easily be checked on the GOV.uk website.

The house needs to be valued. Hopefully it will be worth a lot more than you think.

Does Mum really want to buy somewhere - can she afford to maintain a property i.e. repairs and updating.

Have you approached adult social care for a S9 assessment for yourself? They may be able to give you some guidance around housing options.

She claims her state pension

I haven’t but I will do this. Didn’t even know it was a thing.

I doubt she's eligible for social housing when she and her husband own a house.

she is on the waiting list I think.

She couldn’t get carers allowance because she claims her state pension

She's going to be low priority, and not being funny, she needs to divorce your dad and take her share of the marital assets, not be going for social housing other people need more.

That's marvellous having her full state pension, since you thought she spent most of her life bringing you and your sibling up.
Obivs her national Insurance credits were being paid via the child benefit years and her work years.

She may be eligible for an age 55+ property through a Housing Association / Local Authority to rent, obiv she won't be eligible for Housing Benefit etc ? due to the full pension so she would be paying the rent out of her proceeds of the house sake and 50% of all the assets they have.

Meanwhile I am sure you can look on Right Move etc. and get an idea of how much similar properties are going for in her area,