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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Breaking up is never easy

55 replies

Craics90 · 28/05/2025 12:16

Good Morning Lovely Legend Ladies.

As you all helped me so much with my terrible situation/breakup last year, I have been asked by a friend to post her situation for a little advice and moral support.

Friend has two children, DD 6 & DS 11. Friend's H had severe mental health issues, and committed suicide before DD was born - in actual fact, she didn't know she was pregnant at the time and found out shortly after.

Friend then fell in with a lovely man who we'd known for years throughout our childhood, and he was an amazing support for her. He was even there through DD's birth, and she now calls him 'daddy' even though she is aware that her real father has sadly passed. DS is besotted with him as he is so active in his upbringing and has been a great role model. Rarely leaves the house without him type of relationship.

Friend and DP have been fantastic over the years, fantastic to each other/with each other, fantastic to me and mine, so involved in all aspects of family life, schooling. Everything.

Recently he broached the subject of getting married, and had taken her to choose a ring which was a massive step. They'd talked about it over the years but really never were in any rush to do anything about it.

Friend sold her house and moved in with DP, have been living in bliss. An odd drama here and there from his Ex Wife but the height of it ends there.

DP cooked a lovely meal at the weekend, sent through wedding venues he'd been looking at in the North of Ireland. Friend sent them to me as 'shit was getting real' in absolute excitement, as you do.

Until of course (two days later) - he hops out of bed and tells her he doesn't know how he feels anymore, he would like her to move out, has cold feet, doesn't think he wants to settle down, would find life easier on his own, doesn't feel like he knows the real her, doesn't know what to do, doesn't know if he will regret this all, is prepared to live his life in turmoil if he regrets the decision...

The list goes on. But ah sure girls you know if it doesn't rain it pours ☔

I'm asking for some advice really for her, and things because I think that if he can do this then she shouldn't go back. She deserves the world, and then some.

She is the most dignified human angel I know, and in true honour she just took it on the chin. I, on the other hand feel like putting laxative in the bastard's milk.

But what in the Jesus Lord has went through this man's mind? Friend is heartbroken, and my heart breaks for her too.

You were all amazing for me when I needed it. 💚

OP posts:
OchAyeTheNo0 · 28/05/2025 12:27

Hmmm. Why the huge u turn? When did she move in?

tbh this screams affair to me, unless the move in was very recent and it turns out he doesn’t like her / the kids being with him full time.

Craics90 · 28/05/2025 12:30

OchAyeTheNo0 · 28/05/2025 12:27

Hmmm. Why the huge u turn? When did she move in?

tbh this screams affair to me, unless the move in was very recent and it turns out he doesn’t like her / the kids being with him full time.

@OchAyeTheNo0 your guess is as good as mine, they've lived together for around 5 ish years and he again was the one that pushed for them to move in

OP posts:
OchAyeTheNo0 · 28/05/2025 12:31

Oh ok. So not a recent move.

either something isn’t being told to you fully or his heads been turned in some way.

Lurkingandlearning · 28/05/2025 12:33

It would be bad enough if h had said he wanted to delay wedding plans, but as he asked her to move out I think she should steel herself and decide for herself that he relationship is over. Even if she didn’t have children she shouldn’t tolerate that kind of uncertainty and flakiness from someone who has claimed to be in a committed relationship with her.

He’s an unreliable arsehole. He may well change his mind again but no one, especially children, should live with that kind of instability

DrummingMousWife · 28/05/2025 12:33

I would not hang about waiting for him to
pick me. She needs to be strong and tell him it’s done, move out and move on. What a Pratt he is - losing everything like that. At least she knows who he is now. Let’s hope he likes single life.

category12 · 28/05/2025 12:33

Yeah, I'd be thinking "cherchez la femme" too.

I mean it is possible the reality of living together isn't what he thought and he wants out.

But I wouldn't be surprised if someone else has caught his eye. Maybe the ex.

I'd strongly advise her not to let him muck her about and to not let herself be an option to him. He shits or he gets off the pot, no drawn out "pick me" dance.

category12 · 28/05/2025 12:35

Cross-posted. If they've lived together five years, yeah, I think 90% chance of OW.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 28/05/2025 12:38

Head turned I think.

S0j0urn4r · 28/05/2025 12:40

Does she still have the money from selling the house? Do they have separate finances?
Could it be some kind of pre - wedding jitters?
If he's set on this the best thing she can do is cut all ties.
Has he asked about seeing the kids?

smallsilvercloud · 28/05/2025 12:43

It might not be as cut and dry as she’s made out? Possibly the relationship wasn’t as smooth and some niggling doubts have been there a while, they’ve lived together 5 years and he’s decided actually this isn’t a lifetime commitment he wants or Getting cold feet about getting married happens especially when reality sets in, sometimes it’s a temporary blip and he just needs get over be overwhelmed by it all if this is the case, he’ll soon grovel when he realises the reality of losing his life built around them, it’s a difficult one what to say other than supporting her.

BulldogMumma · 28/05/2025 12:45

5 years is quite a while to live with someone so I don’t think he’s suddenly got cold feet about living together.
Sorry OP this has all the hallmarks of another woman

Craics90 · 28/05/2025 12:46

S0j0urn4r · 28/05/2025 12:40

Does she still have the money from selling the house? Do they have separate finances?
Could it be some kind of pre - wedding jitters?
If he's set on this the best thing she can do is cut all ties.
Has he asked about seeing the kids?

@S0j0urn4r Yes, he would still like to see them and pick them up as they are distraught and love him beyond words. She said to me that it would be too much heartbreak if he started to collect them and drop them off and eventually if he meets someone else they will be forgotten about and she wants to save them as much as she can from this horrible situation

OP posts:
Craics90 · 28/05/2025 12:48

smallsilvercloud · 28/05/2025 12:43

It might not be as cut and dry as she’s made out? Possibly the relationship wasn’t as smooth and some niggling doubts have been there a while, they’ve lived together 5 years and he’s decided actually this isn’t a lifetime commitment he wants or Getting cold feet about getting married happens especially when reality sets in, sometimes it’s a temporary blip and he just needs get over be overwhelmed by it all if this is the case, he’ll soon grovel when he realises the reality of losing his life built around them, it’s a difficult one what to say other than supporting her.

@smallsilvercloud I love your @ name.

It really is as dry as it sounds, I too have spoken with him when I've been over lifting the children trying to cheer them up. He said the same to me as he said to her, he said he loves her very much and would love to be with her but life isn't just as easy as that and he needs to be on his own and at his age he should be sure of what he feels but he's full of doubt

OP posts:
AlfredTheButtlerWithTwoTs · 28/05/2025 12:50

I would also guess affair tbh. It's very sudden. Different if they'd just moved in as a pp said or if there has been some other major change in their relationship, but if it's jist same as usual and he's suddenly backing out, ny first guess would be he's "had his head turned"

category12 · 28/05/2025 13:00

Craics90 · 28/05/2025 12:48

@smallsilvercloud I love your @ name.

It really is as dry as it sounds, I too have spoken with him when I've been over lifting the children trying to cheer them up. He said the same to me as he said to her, he said he loves her very much and would love to be with her but life isn't just as easy as that and he needs to be on his own and at his age he should be sure of what he feels but he's full of doubt

Yeah well he's not going to own up to there being someone else to her best mate.

OchAyeTheNo0 · 28/05/2025 13:23

Utter bullshit, what he’s told you. He’s definitely met someone else.

Craics90 · 28/05/2025 13:46

Shit show girls. The whole thing is a handling because she wants out with as little as she possibly needs. He’s still yarning away as normal like nothing has happened but I understand her point

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 28/05/2025 13:53

I think the kids will need counselling. While he isn't their legal parent, he's been in that role for years.
Has she moved out? Can she afford somewhere else?

Craics90 · 28/05/2025 14:18

S0j0urn4r · 28/05/2025 13:53

I think the kids will need counselling. While he isn't their legal parent, he's been in that role for years.
Has she moved out? Can she afford somewhere else?

@S0j0urn4r she’s still there at the minute packing as she goes. She is coming to stay with me for a while so she can look in to buying her own place. I told her that she shouldn’t rush to buy the first she sees and she needs to get her mind at peace before she heads on full speed. The children are the driving force to keep going as most of us will agree with but sometimes you just need a little moment to cry and let it all out

OP posts:
supercali77 · 28/05/2025 14:27

I'm another for thinking head turned. Even if not, and this is a case of pre marriage cold feet she's best off out of it. He's pushed for all of this with children involved. Unless he'd mentioned issues before now it's unforgivable to pull the rug out like this

Lostinmyself · 28/05/2025 14:29

This breaks my heart @Craics90, he knows the heartbreak she has endured in the loss of her child's dad and still has done this 180 on her. He knew when he got with her what another loss could do to her, how it could impact her mentally.

The fact he was looking at wedding venues days prior to this blows my mind. Who is this man? Did she ever know him?

I would like to hope he is just getting pre wedding nerves and he can come back from this and be the family they have been but will she ever be able to believe this won't happen again?

He needs to have a serious conversation with her, total honesty and tell her what is really happening.

Where is expecting them to go? Can he not move out in the interim and let things settle? Maybe realise what he's missing.

Please send love and strength to your friend. You sound amazing, she is lucky to have you in her corner. Please keep us posted.

I want to string the bastard up, your a better woman than me keeping your cool

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 28/05/2025 14:31

She needs to start on self preservation mode.

Be icily polite to him.

If the dcs want to see him, facilitate that in as matter of factly as possible.

She needs to see he is not her friend. He is not on her team and behave accordingly.

He is waiting to see how things work out with another woman. And keeping your friend on the back burner whilst he finds out.

She must not let him think there is a way back.

What an absolute shit of a man. Your poor friend.

Even if he did change his mind, how could she go back in all good faith knowing how he is capable of hurting not only her but her dcs too.

Time to get cold and very practical despite her pain. All power to her.

AlfredTheButtlerWithTwoTs · 28/05/2025 14:31

Craics90 · 28/05/2025 14:18

@S0j0urn4r she’s still there at the minute packing as she goes. She is coming to stay with me for a while so she can look in to buying her own place. I told her that she shouldn’t rush to buy the first she sees and she needs to get her mind at peace before she heads on full speed. The children are the driving force to keep going as most of us will agree with but sometimes you just need a little moment to cry and let it all out

Not the point of the thread at all but you are a lovely friend! She is so lucky to have your support

I lived in the North of Ireland for many years and have family there. Honestly, the best people.

I hope she moves on to better things with her own place, whatever his motives for backing out. I think he's at best pretty spineless, but very possibly cheating or about to and has been given the green light by whoever it is. Anticipate new gf on the scene soon (I hope not as I think that would be so painful, but really shows he is not a good guy if it does turn out to be the case)

GiantSaucepan · 28/05/2025 14:33

How is she handling it? I think she’s right to accept it and get the fuck out asap.

Whatever the reason (and yes OW most likely), he’s clearly not in a place for a committed relationship and at the very least is a shit communicator, future faker and a bit of a liar.

It sounds like a him problem and she’s likely not going to find any answers either by interrogating him or beating herself up for something she may or may not have done. In this situation I do think moving on and grieving the relationship is for the best. She’d never be able to trust him again.

Well done for being such a good friend.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/05/2025 14:51

If eh can do this to her, then I believe there is no going back. he's dropped a bomb into her life and I doubt she could ever forgive him for his sudden U turn and causing the kids so much pain.

I too think he has had his head turned.