Breaking up is never easy

[Craics90]

Good Morning Lovely Legend Ladies.

As you all helped me so much with my terrible situation/breakup last year, I have been asked by a friend to post her situation for a little advice and moral support.

Friend has two children, DD 6 & DS 11. Friend's H had severe mental health issues, and committed suicide before DD was born - in actual fact, she didn't know she was pregnant at the time and found out shortly after.

Friend then fell in with a lovely man who we'd known for years throughout our childhood, and he was an amazing support for her. He was even there through DD's birth, and she now calls him 'daddy' even though she is aware that her real father has sadly passed. DS is besotted with him as he is so active in his upbringing and has been a great role model. Rarely leaves the house without him type of relationship.

Friend and DP have been fantastic over the years, fantastic to each other/with each other, fantastic to me and mine, so involved in all aspects of family life, schooling. Everything.

Recently he broached the subject of getting married, and had taken her to choose a ring which was a massive step. They'd talked about it over the years but really never were in any rush to do anything about it.

Friend sold her house and moved in with DP, have been living in bliss. An odd drama here and there from his Ex Wife but the height of it ends there.

DP cooked a lovely meal at the weekend, sent through wedding venues he'd been looking at in the North of Ireland. Friend sent them to me as 'shit was getting real' in absolute excitement, as you do.

Until of course (two days later) - he hops out of bed and tells her he doesn't know how he feels anymore, he would like her to move out, has cold feet, doesn't think he wants to settle down, would find life easier on his own, doesn't feel like he knows the real her, doesn't know what to do, doesn't know if he will regret this all, is prepared to live his life in turmoil if he regrets the decision...

The list goes on. But ah sure girls you know if it doesn't rain it pours ☔

I'm asking for some advice really for her, and things because I think that if he can do this then she shouldn't go back. She deserves the world, and then some.

She is the most dignified human angel I know, and in true honour she just took it on the chin. I, on the other hand feel like putting laxative in the bastard's milk.

But what in the Jesus Lord has went through this man's mind? Friend is heartbroken, and my heart breaks for her too.

You were all amazing for me when I needed it. 💚

Did he maybe get with her, then a few months into the relationship realise that he didnt want the relationship but he felt awful about ending things after everything she'd been through, the baby etc so tried to stick it out..but just can't anymore?

@supercali77 no issues before, the usual stuff - house is a mess, put your laundry in the basket. Couldn’t wait to spend his life with her can’t wait to be able to travel the world and then it’s all pulled out from under her. Unforgivable, never a truer word

@Lostinmyself it breaks my heart too. She was so cautious when meeting as she had been through hell and he really was the sunshine.

I said to her myself how dare he say he feels like he doesn’t know you, this is the prime example of do you really know him?

How can she even trust a word he says again when it all seems as if he’s strung her along this whole time? She would be wild cautious and she kept asking “are you sure” when he was perusing her and promising her the world. Up until now he really has given her the world.

They’re coming to me for the time being. I have no issue as I love her company and life can be lonely at times.

I hope with all my heart the bastard does realise what he’s missing and she uses all her strength to tell him to run on.

I just love her so much and want her to have the world.

Thank you so much for your kind words

@UsernameNotAvailableTryAnotherOnee no, he was the one who wanted to be there. Wanted to be part of it all. They had been viewing houses to buy together and I am for sure glad that they did not

Her loss and at the same time finding out she was carrying a baby is something we could never comprehend. What an inspirational woman.

I understand her in the early days questioning if he was sure and was ready, he was taking on a lot. And over the years he has stepped up, and provided a strong steady hand. This is why ripping it away so cruelly is unimaginable.

How could he be so heartless. Surely he knows the severity of what he has done. This isn't a throw away comment. He has left her full life, for the second time.

I am glad she can stay with you for now and her and the kids aren't being cast out to god knows where. You sound like an amazing woman. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

How are the kids holding up?

I believe he will come to his senses. I know its easy to come to the other woman conclusion, i've been there myself. But i'm not so sure here, I would be shocked. But then again all of this is shocking. The fact he was pushing the wedding prior to this meltdown wouldn't indicate he had someone in the wings.

You can have your doubts, pre-wedding jitters, all of that but you cannot do a 180 on someone you claim to love and drag their children (who have already experienced more than any children their ages should have) through the mire with you.
He will 100% regret this, but there is no going back now. The trust is gone.
I agree, this sudden shift is either his head being turned or that he has a massive hero complex. They got together at a time when she was super vulnerable and having to deal with so much and he got to be her “rock”. I bet everyone gave him the whole “you’re such a good man taking her and those kids on”.
Now, years down the line she has come through it, children thriving and probably the most confident in herself she’s ever been, and he probably can’t deal with that. That explains the “doesn’t know her anymore” comment. The “her” he likes is the one that needs saving.
Good on her going full steam ahead. I just feel so sad for those children. It’s true that he has no right to see them regularly and she’s right that as soon as the new woman comes out of hiding/appears on the scene she won’t want him having contact. Enough step parents hate their partners bio children as it is, very few would deal with an ex and children on the scene where there is no biological or legal connection. I guess she can try to phase him out of their lives slowly, putting in clear boundaries or cut all contact completely. Either way will be damaging. So, so sad for them and her. She’s done everything right by them and this POS has undone everything at the drop of another woman’s knickers a hat.

@AlfredTheButtlerWithTwoTs thank you for your kind words. I think the Irish are a special kind of people. One of the best there is.

Spineless would be one way to describe him. I think the excuse of “I don’t know how I feel” is one that is petty and you’ll never get closure from it.

I'm just going to add you are an amazing and kind friend. She will get through this with the love of her friends and family.

@Lostinmyself she really is Wonder Woman. She is so graceful and takes everything in her stride and I’ve always admired that about her. She wouldn’t cry in public but I know she would lock herself in the bathroom and let it all go. I think that’s what breaks my heart more.

The children are distraught. Absolutely heartbroken. The youngest cried all day at day care today and hasn’t eaten a bite. She knows she is so loved and always safe.

I will never understand how anyone could be so cruel, spineless etc. I would understand if they didn’t get on and they fought the world around. But hand on heart I can tell you they were this absolute dreamboat.

I too think he will come to his senses, but by then I think it will be too late. How can she trust him again? She said she fears walking up the aisle on the day of their wedding and him not being there. And how can we blame her for that feeling of absolute dread. Imagine how she would feel if it really came true.

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk Thank you so much. I know what it’s like to be alone and even more so to be deceived in to a life of happiness.

At Christmas I was at my absolute lowest and I posted on here and the wonderful ladies helped me so much. Some nights I just read the kind words and cried in the corner as I tried to navigate life.

She will get there, there’s a whole village behind her but I wish I could do something to take the pain away.

Wow. This is awful, I feel so much for your friend. After everything she and her babies have already been through! I am angry for her. I really hope she doesn't give him another chance. She deserves so much better.

I wonder if he is avoidantly attached... I have a friend who freaked out like this right before moving in. Said exactly the same words/conversation. There was definitely no other woman and this was after 10 happy years together. She took him back and they divorced 2 years later when he cheated on her. He is now remarried and deeply unhappy. I recently learned about the dismissive attachment style and it is him 💯! Doesn't make it OK or excuse it but might be a way to make sense of what has happened.

What is he like with his emotions in general and why did his first marriage break down?

She’s incredibly lucky to have such a loyal, thoughtful friend in you @Craics90 . From what you’ve described, he sounds a lot like a covert narcissist.

He built up deep emotional intimacy, got involved in every part of her life and the kids’ lives, chose a ring, planned venues — practically led her up the aisle — and then pulled the rug out from under her. That kind of sudden emotional withdrawal, especially after drawing someone in so fully, is classic narcissistic behavior. It’s the “push-pull” dynamic: just as she felt secure, he created distance and confusion.

Then there’s the complete lack of empathy. He’s carrying on as if it’s business as usual, even though he’s essentially told her and the children to pack up and go. No thought for how this impacts the kids, who clearly see him as a father figure. No effort to help cushion the blow. That’s not just cold, it’s deeply concerning behaviour after everything they’ve shared as a family.

And all of this emotional chaos he’s framing as introspection is utter bollocks. I don’t know how I feel / I’m prepared to live in turmoil /
I don’t know the real you… avoidance and projection. He’s creating drama to deflect accountability and he’s creating a narrative that allows him to dodge any responsibility for the pain he’s causing. It’s self-protective shite. Honestly, it wouldn’t be surprising if he has got someone else lined up.

He may appear to be the “nice guy” — generous, helpful, deeply involved — but this about-turn reveals his real nature; unpredictable, selfishness, and a deep lack of emotional integrity. Covert narcissists often wear the mask of the dependable good guy, while acting entirely out of self-interest when the stakes get real.

Yes, maybe he’s panicking. Maybe he’s having a midlife crisis. Maybe he’s scared. Or maybe he’s met someone else. But none of that excuses how he went about it — blindsiding her and the kids, dodging honest conversation, and leaving emotional wreckage behind. If he truly cared, he would have handled it very differently.

Your poor friend cannot build her future on someone so emotionally unstable, self-serving, and careless with her and her children’s hearts.

Whether or not he’s a narcissist, she must move forward as if this man is not emotionally safe — because he’s shown that he isn’t.

I really hope she can gather her strength, surround herself with support, and rebuild her life in a way that’s steady, loving, and entirely on her terms. She deserves nothing less.💕

@BrunetteBarbie94 she really does deserve so much better.

No, he’s been normal. Very cuddly and affectionate and hands on as always. Took the children out at the weekend and showers each and every one of them with love.

It has taken a lot for her to consider marriage, she loves him all the world but said they were very happy as they were she didn’t need a ring to prove it however she wasn’t dismissive of the idea and after looking at rings and things she really was keen on it.

Communication has always been iffy in fairness. He wouldn’t be one for confrontation and once years ago he done the same kind of thing only he came back two days later and said I have a lot on and I didn’t mean those words. And in fairness he’s never ever been like that again

Re: the kids, an ex of mine had been in his step-child’s life since he was a toddler and when he and their mum separated, continued to see stepchild along with biological children. Slightly different situation as they also had kids together, but he was dedicated to his eldest as much as others.

Massive hugs to your friend.
What a piece of work this man is. I'd say it's almost certainly he's had his head turned and is now busily re-writing their history.
Personally I am not sure I would even entertain any kind of reconciliation after this. In most ways the 'why' is a pointless and fruitless ask. Better to just firmly close the door, accept it is over and try to retain some valued memories of the time they had together before he trashes them entirely.
Presumably the children have no legal tie to him?
I would think very very carefully about maintaining a relationship between them going forward as he may decide to pull the plug on that at some point too or do a slow fade which would equally be painful for them.
I'd also be wary of letting him tell them a narrative about his relationship with their Mum that also wasn't true. He's turned out to be a right snake.

Hmmmm avoidance of conflict and poor communication are key signs of avoidant attachment and also the fact that he has done this before.

I'd bet money his ex wife had some similar experiences with him. He was probably fine until the idea of further commitment came up ie marriage (even though he brought it up).

Like another PP said he might also be a covert narc but regardless this man is not emotionally safe and if your friend goes back- this will happen again.

@BrunetteBarbie94 someone asked me about why him and the ex wife separated, they were together from 15-25. Had a child together and all was grand until the ex wouldn’t let his family be involved and tried to control all aspects eg - would only let him see the child when she was there, if she was at work she’d have the child looked after by his mother. When the child was two years old she came clean and told him it wasn’t his son and she stopped him seeing him without any explanation or DNA testing. A lot of missed years and a lot of money through courts etc, he was his son and he actually now lives full time with my friend and his dad. The wife would see the child maybe two weekends every four weeks as she has a new husband and a new family life now and kind of acts like the child doesn’t exist. The child is very very close to my friend and he calls her “mum”. He has ASD and quite poor mental health and she would sit up during the night when times are bad etc. they are very very close. My friend has said that while he is a great father she will really break when she can no longer see his son.

It was supposed to say “her mother” above. Not his mother. She didn’t like his mother, despite not having any obvious reason. His mother is actually a good friend of my mother and she’s some woman for one woman let me tell you. Absolute queen and would do nothing to hurt anyone.

I will also add on here that each night he has still came and gotten in to bed beside her. No funny business or anything like that. He has offered her dinner and is getting on like there’s nothing wrong. Asking how she is and taking the kids to activities as normal. However when she asked “do you still mean what you’ve said and you’d like us to leave” he answered “yes I think so. I’m not sure if I will regret it but at the minute I need to be on my own. One minute I’m all for this and the next minute I’m thinking what am I doing”. And I don’t think anyone can live with the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen or if things are good and when they might go wrong again or again if she’ll return from work one day and he’ll he telling her to go.

I wholeheartedly believe that he’ll come back and change his mind but I also believe that he doesn’t deserve her and she should never go back.

Honestly girls, it’s always the most pure of heart that experience the worst heartbreak. And the horrible bastards come up like roses.

I will also add on here that each night he has still came and gotten in to bed beside her. No funny business or anything like that. He has offered her dinner and is getting on like there’s nothing wrong. Asking how she is and taking the kids to activities as normal.

She should put a stop to all that and sleep separately.

Show him the reality of splitting instead of him tearing her heart out and then pretending nothing's changed.

That needs to stop right now. Can't believe he'd have the brass neck after what he's said.

Apart from the likelihood of another woman, I think there is a small possibility that he has enjoyed being a saviour to the poor widow all these years.

If they get married they are just a normal family, and it's possible that thinking about marriage and the children growing up and away has taken his hero/saviour "role" away.

Oh he's a real piece of work. Will he regret it though if there's another woman involved? They rewrite history and he'll no doubt assign himself as the victim and find all kinds of fault with her and their relationship.

Those poor kids.

And the horrible bastards come up like roses.

Yes @Craics90 it's because they're just bloody selfish and go full steam ahead to get to where they want to be in life, screw anyone else that gets hurt in the fallout.

I honestly do think he will regret it within a year or two at the latest. If there is another woman on the scene then I don’t think there has been enough time for it to be love. The “not knowing what I want” means he might want this other woman but he’s not entirely sure yet. He’s distancing himself so he can find out without feeling guilty, but still acting like nothing has happened because he’s keeping the door open/burying his head in the sand about the full consequences of leaving.
I think OP’s friend needs to move forward with her exit sharpish. Whilst he’s there in the same bed, acting like step dad of the bloody year, business as usual he’s not facing the full consequences- like losing the children for good. He can rewrite his narrative of the relationship all he wants but he can’t rewrite the relationship with the children. Once they are out of his life a new woman might temporarily fill the void but there will be a huge hole left and genuine grief he’ll have to deal with. I actually think he thinks he can still play step dad on his terms. Nope. There’s a big shock coming for him.