Relationship with an introvert, I have questions/worries!

[Twelftytwo]

DP of nearly 2 years. Don’t live together, don’t plan to in the near future, both 40s, both have kids still at home.

Generally it’s good but I’ve come to realise he’s gets drained by socialising and being around people. I’m sure he’d deny it but sometimes I sense that extends to being with me 😞
it kind of works for us at the moment as we’re both busy with kids so I only stay over every fortnight and other than that we only see each other for 1-2 hours at a time. We do text every day although I think in the beginning he was surprised how much I wanted to text 😆

im wondering if we have a future? If it’s still going well when the kids leave home I’d like to spend more time together and move in. He’s mentioned that too. He is very affectionate verbally and physically and whenever we’ve chatted about it is insistent this is working for him and he wants to be in the relationship.

I get that he needs quiet time to recharge but I’m quite sensitive to rejection.

my questions are - do introverts tend to find their partners draining? Or is there a point in a long term relationship when that’s not the case?

he is very considerate and anxious to be a “good boyfriend”, but then is not very good at identifying and speaking up about his own needs. I find myself anticipating them for him eg saying “shall we not meet up today as it sounds like you need some quiet child free time”, but wondering what he’s really thinking and feeling is a bit tiring for me. I don’t want to have to do that all the time.

I should say he is a full time single dad to a teen boy with SEN who doesn’t go out much and needs a lot of verbal feedback and interaction. So it’s possible he might be less in need of quiet time when his son is older.

can an extrovert/introvert relationship work?
I find it a little hard to relate to as I like to be busy and around people.

im trying to understand him and am getting there but its hard when he isnt very practised at vocalising his needs.

I'm an introvert with a semi extrovert partner and I don't find him draining at all. However he is sensitive to my needs and some socialising he goes and I stay at home. He also got used to me cancelling going to meet people last minute. That means I can relax around him and don't need to pretend and we have a very close relationship.

Thank you for replying.
I want to understand and want to be sensitive to his needs and can imagine being fine with that sort of thing.
I would describe myself as semi extrovert too.

I think at the moment sometimes he does things to please me and isn't honest about what he needs/wants, or isn't able to identify that himself.

But it has only been just under 2 years so maybe that will come?

He is a very good, loving and considerate partner so I feel very lucky to have met him in many ways.

The other weekend we had what I thought was a really relaxing child free morning together where I'd stayed the night, we lay in bed for ages, went to a farm shop, had lunch together and chilled out at my house, before we went our separate ways and he collected his son from his drama activity.

on the Sunday he mentioned he felt like he'd had such a "busy weekend" and "not stopped". I was a bit "have you?" Because to me that was really chilled and relaxing. It made me feel a bit sad that our time together was draining for him.

I think the key to it might be that he's looking after his son with SEN and I'd imagine he needs a brain-break but is keen to see you as well.

When I need a brain-break I almost can't fake wanting company. It's like the presence of someone else 'hurts' and I just want to stare at a wall in silence. It's absolutely nothing to do with the other person.

I used to do a really draining job with a big social element, then at the weekends dh would want to be around me - thank feck he understood that if he'd just give me a day off from being around anyone at all, I'd get back to normal. (He's amazing.)

In short it is probably not personal at all! (But as you can see I'm projecting, I don't know either of you at all.)

I'm an introvert with an introvert partner but I have my children more than DP does, so he gets time alone and I either have kids or him. I find I crave an evening alone. It's not him I don't want to see, it's just I don't want to see anyone. I need to recharge,reset.

I think you're right about his son.
And I am understanding that more than I used to,

We broke up temporarily after about 8 months because his son and my dc were away for the week at the same time which never happens. And id mentioned a few times if we could go away but just thought at least we'd spend all week with each other at one of our houses. But he held back about arranging anything and (half) joked a few times about just needing to sit in a dark room on his own.
(He finds the school holidays especially hard with his son).

I found this hard as I don't think like that, and thought that if he cared about me he'd want to make the most of precious child free time together.

But now I know him better I do understand more.

I just hate how sometimes when I'm messaging I hesitate and think "am I being too much" "does he want to hear from me or will he just be replying out of politeness"
Almost like I need to think for both of us what he might need.

I can see us living together in future and me going out to more evening activities and him having time at home on his own, and that working fine,

But what if I want a busy bustley household with my kids and potential grandchildren around a lot?

Can it ever work?

(I'm getting way ahead of myself here obviously as now talking 15 yrs in the future 😆)

I think if that's communicated to me I can understand it and if I'm feeling secure in our relationship it's all good,

It's the kind of "second guessing" element I find hard as I am an over thinker.

A friend of mine recently split up with her partner of many years - they had a similar relationship to yours, not too much time together as they both had kids at home. When her youngest went up to Uni she thought they could then be closer, progress things: but he was actually happy the way things were. She felt like she’d wasted years…..
Do you ever get to spend longer times together, like holidays etc?

Not so far, my dc only go away with their dad once a year for a week, otherwise it's just a weekend.

His ds occasionally goes to his auntie for a weekend, so we've had the odd weekend away just us.

Then there was that one time last summer when his ds went to the aunt for a week which was the same week my dc were away with their dad.

They're going away again for the week this summer but no plans at the moment for his ds to be away.

The way I see it playing out is that as our kids get older we'll be able to have more overnights together, spend more time at each others houses in the week (we're only 15 mins away).

It may be that arrangement suits us both long term. In many ways I love having my own house with my dc

I'll guess we'd find out then if we're compatible when we spend longer chunks of time together, then potentially move in together if we both want to.

He would be able to have a man cave type thing at my house if he moved in here, I know that would be essential for him.

It just been on my mind whether it can work or if we're too fundamentally different.

Exactly my situation. I knew DH was a keeper when we went on a long drive soon after we met and just didn't talk apart from the odd comment. It wasn't an awkward silence at all, just quiet companionship. That said, when we talk, we really talk; nothing is off limits. Introverts don't "do" small talk, it's one of the reasons people think we're shy or stand-offish. I can talk for England in the right company.

I do have a grudging admiration, though, for social butterflies.

I'm sure extroverts and introverts can live in harmony, but it must take a lot of understanding and willingness to work at the relationship. Long term relationships often involve a fair bit of give and take, IME, but living with someone on your wavelength (or at least "gets" you) makes life a lot easier.

Introverts aren't "odd" when you consider it's estimated just under half the human race is introverted in some way - finding the right partner depends on focusing on a whole lot more in terms of attributes.

Thank you

I agree there are other attributes also important and overall the relationship is great, we have a deep affection for each other and it's very supportive and warm, we have amazing late night chats when we're together in person and the sex is great.

I think because he's so considerate and keen to please/be a good boyfriend, it's taken me longer than you'd expect to realise and understand this about him,

I want him to be better at recognising his own needs and communicating them,

He had a long marriage where he wasn't in the habit of doing this.

We will keep on talking about it

If he finds it difficult to communicate and you don't want to second guess, ask him what level his battery is at.

I’m more introverted than my DP and he’s a real chatterbox. I do find that I need more alone time than he does. He asked the other day if I’d like to spend more time with him than I currently do and I had to say “I’m ok with how things are now tbh!” I felt bad, but we see each other most nights, and spend every other weekend together, unless I’m working. For me that’s plenty!

He’d spend every evening together and would like me there more when he’s got his DS on the alternate weekends, but for me I relish a night at home watching my choice of TV, eating what I want, not considering anyone else’s needs or wants for a change!

I imagine when our DCs are all independent adults we’ll move in together and then I guess alone time will come by being in different rooms rather than different houses, so we won’t feel like we have to sit together and be ‘switched on’ like we do at the moment when visiting each other. It would be weird to go round his house and read my book for example, or for him to come here and spend 2 hours down an internet rabbit hole, but if we lived together we could do that!

I’m glad you mentioned earlier that you know you’re an over-thinker, because that’s exactly what I was thinking after your first few posts.

Im an introvert; I have five grandchildren, what feels like a gazillion nephews, nieces, grand-nephews/nieces, four siblings, several step-relations, and a reasonable number of friends, all of whom are routinely in my house, and - importantly - an adult ability to manage my own time and energy.

In your partner’s shoes, I would genuinely find your apparent habit of second- guessing whether he’s okay with your current levels of contact really annoying, and I find it quite patronising that you’ve decided you know best what his needs are.

But to answer your question: yes, if I’ve had a highly social period, I can sometimes find even my partner a bit draining. So I go to the allotment, or for a long solitary walk, or find a good book to read in a different room, or other alone-time activities. All I ask of my husband is that he has the resources to either spend time happily alone, or to sod off out, without making me feel I’m a problem.

I think you've got a point, and I am trying to be more direct and consider it his responsibility to answer honestly,
So just ask "do you fancy doing this" rather than quite so much of "would you like to do this? It's fine if not, understand if you need some time etc"

I think what's lacking at the moment is the confidence that he will be honest with me about what he wants. I sense he is worried about upsetting/offending me, and wants me to be happy, but I want him to be happy and for him to be "real" with me.

I am reading this with great interest @Twelftytwo, what you are describing absolutely mirrors my relationship with my partner, although I am the male party and the Introvert, preferring to spend quiet time, in quiet places, doing quiet things with quiet people and in wide open spaces, surrounded by green and living things, away from crowds, noise, 'busyness' and built up areas. Hence the reason I chose my house very carefully, a mile up a single track road, no neighbours, surrounded by fields and greenery. My partner, by contrast, lives in a city and, every weekend, when I travel to visit her, I feel hemmed in, suffocated and like an animal in a cage! Add in the fact that she is very, very talkative and 'talks over' me much of the time, tries to talk to me with the television on in the background, which I find rude and distracting, we spend much of each weekend around her family and, by Sunday evening, I am 'peopled out' and itching to get home to my own home to decompress and have some solitude! The talking is non stop - twice, recently, during our evening telephone calls I have left my phone, on speaker, in my living room, gone into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, come back 5 minutes later, and she is still talking, unaware that I have been absent (yes, I know it was rude of me, but frustration over ruled good manners!).

I am not suggesting, for one moment, that you are this talkative OP, but for introverts, incessant talking is draining, and yet, in the right company, I can open up and talk for hours about current affairs, the news, politics, history, science, horticulture, botany, birds, animals, insects and all the things which I enjoy, but if people start talking about sport, television, or just general small talkI am alk at sea and lost!

The short answer is that, speaking personally, it is not working for me and I am reevaluating my relationship - not least because it is not fair on my partner to be with an introverted personality and I know that she finds my general quietness frustrating.

Sorry, this has probably not been very helpful to you...

I’m an introvert and I don’t find dh draining. He’s like a piece of furniture to me. I can just ignore him if I need to. Now that would be different obviously if he was insecure and constantly jabbering on and needing entertainment and reassurance. But we can tinker along next to each other and not need to talk.

But parenting a teen is full on. Parenting one with SEN is, I imagine, even more full on. If he never gets a break, he probably needs a break. In early relationships, you have to be on and in performing mode a lot. I expect that would be pretty draining as a solo parent of a child with SEN.

I don’t think though that it means he will forever be exhausted by you. But I can see how it would be draining if your time together is very switched on and intense. Relationships generally aren’t like that as the mature though.

That has helped me actually @DracunculusVulgaris as I feel in comparison we have quite a lot in common 🤣

We both live semi rurally and we're not opposite ends of the spectrum - I do like my own space sometimes and not to be social all the time.

I'm pretty sure I don't monologue at him or talk over him, and we do enjoy just "being" and not always chatting if we're going for a walk or watching tv.

I suppose I thought that us just "being" was relaxing but I wonder if he still feels he has to be "switched on" and whether that's something that will change over time.

I feel like all the introverts on this thread are thinking "god she sounds annoying" 😆 which is fine! Just if DP ever starts thinking that I want to know, and we'll call it a day!

I'm an introvert, married to another introvert - after almost 15 years together, we are OK to say to each other "honey, I am peopled out" and that is our code, leave me alone, I need time away from other human beings and without having to engage or talk to anyone. We both have jobs where we have to interact with people so the need does arise quite often and I'd say it took a while for us to get to that point, and we did start out with some second-guessing and maybe trying to please each other and pretend we are not as introverted as we really are (we're both women so socialised to people-please...). It probably helps that we both like to just quietly hang out with each other, and we are happy to give each other space when needed.

I'm not thinking that! I think it's lovely that you are taking steps to understand him as well as you can.

He sounds quite like my DH, who is autistic, and needs quiet alone time FAR more than anything else.

He would absolutely say he loves me, but it just never occurs to him to spend time with me, and when I suggest doing something together he looks at me like I’ve suggested pulling his toenails out with pliers.

Sometimes he will say he’s up for something, but invariably cancels at the last moment, or will come down with a mysterious illness or a fever.

He likes to have a partner - it makes him feel secure - but he has honestly no desire whatsoever to do anything together or have new experiences. He feels very drained by going out, even to places I’d consider low key, and just doesn’t want to do anything or have any plans or commitments. Feels very overwhelmed after something as simple as a trip to the park with DC (who is also autistic).

It’s very lonely. I feel like some sort of inert object in his world. Like a chair or a hatstand. Part of his environment that it doesn’t occur to him to interact with. I don’t think he knows me particularly well, or thinks about me.

This is not what I thought I was signing up for at all, as he pulled out all the stops at the beginning of our relationship and seemed enthusiastic and energetic, and planned things and was up for doing stuff. So I didn’t realise until we were living together and married the extent of his desire just to stay indoors doing his own thing and not interacting with anyone.

This is not likely to change for the better, OP - so I’d advise not planning on moving in with him. This is him at his most energetic, making the biggest effort he can. It won’t get better with cohabitation.

Thank you @Twelftytwo, for context, my partner is, I suspect ADHD, although not assessed or formally diagnosed and I have never suggested that she seek assessment, as I know that she would be mortally offended. In fact, like your partner, I often keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, as to express them usually leads to friction. I also work with a young man who is formally diagnosed as ADHD - he is a lovely chap, I enjoy working with him as we have similar interests and attitudes to life, but again, an incessant talker, non stop all day. I relish the end of the day when I can return home, to my little cottage which wraps its arms around me, hugs me and makes me feel safe, secure and at peace every time I walk through the door, make a cup of tea and just revel in the tranquility, calm and sit watching the birds, the moon rise or the bats come out to play or surrounded by my books, antiques and other meaningful things!

Yes I think so.

I would say you need to be clear with any bookings of social gatherings or if you’re invited to something. They can (try to) forget about them or plan something else as avoidance techniques. So be clear, precise and calm and maybe even have a calendar.

with big social gatherings out and about have a coded signal for when they want to go home so you can start to (if you want to), start to say goodbyes.

just thoughts above. He may not be that bad, just don’t let it go too long rhey don’t socialise as it is counter productive.