Relationship with an introvert, I have questions/worries!

[Twelftytwo]

DP of nearly 2 years. Don’t live together, don’t plan to in the near future, both 40s, both have kids still at home.

Generally it’s good but I’ve come to realise he’s gets drained by socialising and being around people. I’m sure he’d deny it but sometimes I sense that extends to being with me 😞
it kind of works for us at the moment as we’re both busy with kids so I only stay over every fortnight and other than that we only see each other for 1-2 hours at a time. We do text every day although I think in the beginning he was surprised how much I wanted to text 😆

im wondering if we have a future? If it’s still going well when the kids leave home I’d like to spend more time together and move in. He’s mentioned that too. He is very affectionate verbally and physically and whenever we’ve chatted about it is insistent this is working for him and he wants to be in the relationship.

I get that he needs quiet time to recharge but I’m quite sensitive to rejection.

my questions are - do introverts tend to find their partners draining? Or is there a point in a long term relationship when that’s not the case?

he is very considerate and anxious to be a “good boyfriend”, but then is not very good at identifying and speaking up about his own needs. I find myself anticipating them for him eg saying “shall we not meet up today as it sounds like you need some quiet child free time”, but wondering what he’s really thinking and feeling is a bit tiring for me. I don’t want to have to do that all the time.

I should say he is a full time single dad to a teen boy with SEN who doesn’t go out much and needs a lot of verbal feedback and interaction. So it’s possible he might be less in need of quiet time when his son is older.

can an extrovert/introvert relationship work?
I find it a little hard to relate to as I like to be busy and around people.

im trying to understand him and am getting there but its hard when he isnt very practised at vocalising his needs.

What’s his kid’s SEN? Neurodivergence can be hereditary. Maybe he’s autistic?

I am an introvert and from my perspective I would say there is a big difference between living with someone and arranging to meet them regularly, the latter being much more draining.

@VoltaireMittyDream I'm sorry that sounds really hard, and not totally unlike my situation with my xH.
He distanced himself more and more from family life. And I realised one day that if I didn't start conversations there would be literally none 😞
That wasn't the only reason our marriage ended after being together nearly 20 yrs (stonewalling/silent treatment inability to deal with conflict was a key thing) but it was a factor. He was autistic.

What you've written is food for thought but I do feel this relationship is very different. New DP may be autistic too, it's possible maybe. He has a level of awareness, empathy and sensitivity that I love, and is very conscious of my needs. Maybe too conscious sometimes and not focused enough on his own.

He hasn't found it easy but has really stepped up since he became a single parent and gone on adventures and holidays with his ds and takes him out a lot,

He does socialise and has never turned down an invitation with me, he makes an effort with people, he has friends and he does small talk, he just seems to find it draining in a way I don't, and have a much lower threshold for feeling "busy".

He was in a long marriage with someone who sounds like they were an extrovert, or at least more extroverted than him. They did go places and do stuff together although I think she did most of the organising.

I'm an introvert with an extrovert. I did find the amount of of texting quite a lot in the beginning!

I don't find him draining, but we both have a lot of hobbies and like reading, so we spend a lot of time apart or else together in the same room but doing our own thing 😂 We both give each other a lot of freedom.

I have no trouble telling my partner if I need something though.

It quiet and solitude is what brings you such complete serenity and happiness, what is in it for you to be in a romantic relationship? This is what I struggle to understand.

You can have fascinating conversations online, from the comfort of your own home, about any subject that takes your fancy, with other people who share these interests, and you can just log off when you run out of steam, and ignore any subjects or co versatility that bore you, without causing hurt or offence. You could have as many of the types of conversations as you like, while remaining undisturbed in the welcoming arms of your tranquil cottage.

But you grudgingly do things you find suffocating and awful, for the sake of a relationship with someone whose conversation you cannot bear to listen to, for whom you have considerable contempt, and in whose life you have little interest. Why?

Is it about access to reliable sex? Or the security of having someone to rely on if you need to?

The thing about introversion is it's not an all-the-time state. It's lovely being with people. Friendships and romantic relationships are wonderful. It's just that the brain gets overloaded and needs a bit of time off. That's all really. The rest of the time people are fine.

Somewhat-extrovert with introvert husband here.

We spend a lot of time "apart together" ie each doing our own thing in the same room. It works for me, although I also find it important to have regular times where we do things together, it's not every day/evening. We do talk every day, but it will mostly just be a light exchange like a funny story or update from our day or something we read/saw or an idea we had for the house or something.

The thing I sometimes find hard and wish he would do more is that it is extremely rare for him to socialise with me. If I get invited to things like a party or social event I usually end up going on my own. That is partly because we don't have local babysitters, but even if it's an event with kids he will prefer to stay at home unless I really need him or insist that he comes.

Also, I rarely invite friends over to the house because I worry that it would disturb or bother him, although I don't actually think he would mind as long as it wasn't happening all the time and he had a heads up so he could prepare. I have to also admit to being very bad at organising

Do you know for sure if his son will ever leave home?
You sound really different, that weekend you described sounds lovely to me but I’d be drained after from the socialising.
It can work but with compromise and acceptance, and you feeling disappointed

I would add - I'm extroverted in that if you start me off chattering I will rabbit away for ages and talk your ear off, I start to get antsy and into a very bad place mentally if I'm in my own company for too long, I definitely have that "gets energy from being around people" thing because when I'm with the right people it's like I really come alive and I LOVE big gatherings with loads of people. Truly my happy place.

That said, I really need downtime/recovery time. I also have a low threshold for "busyness" and need recovery from things outside my comfort zone (which is curled up in a ball in front of my computer/TV/with a book). I find this if we go away with people or have people to stay with us for example. It just reaches a point where my brain seems to short circuit and I forget how to function and just need to go and zone out for a bit. So I think that's why our day to day life/routine works well for both of us.

Appreciate all the thoughts and insights, thank you, it's really helping,
I do love him and just want to understand him better.

I am fairly confident his ds will leave home, he is great and has great capacity for learning independent living skills. He can be left alone at home already for a couple of hours which means we can go out on dates. I personally think he will need a level of support eg with budgeting, but can easily envisage him living independently. Infact he talks with his dad about having his own flat and meeting up for a pint with him on a Friday 😆. I know DP is also keen to foster independence and ensure his DS isn't solely reliant on him as he grows into adulthood,
Whether my 3 DC will all leave home at the same time I'm not sure! We will have to see and have to navigate that, I'm not 100% on sharing a house with someone again after my divorce and living apart together could work long term too.

I would be sad if a partner didn't socialise with me, but also understanding if they didn't want to come to everything. He used to socialise with his late wife and they had people round to the house a bit so I think that element would be ok hopefully.

This. I’m exactly the same. Fortunately DP is too. I just don’t understand people who don’t need alone time. I find it suffocating having someone around all the time, and it’s got nothing to do with how much you like or dislike the person.

Funnily enough I am really like this too.
I am extroverted - to an extent.
Although I am accustomed to being very busy and not good having too much alone time on my hands, but need enough.

I am more introverted than my partner. We (54, 60) have been together for 8 years, but living apart, and are now looking out for a flat we can move into together. I make an effort and am good in social situations but I love coming home to my quiet flat and just vegging out with a book or doing nothing, so I am feeling a bit nervous about living with him, even though I was previously married for 20 years. (My exh spent a lot of time away from home and was not into family life, which meant that if anything, it was me wanting more time with him!)

My dp has made me feel more comfortable about us moving in together by saying that we need to have enough space to be able to spend time in separate rooms, doing our own thing, and that we don't want to be together 24 hours a day. This makes me feel like he understands and accepts me fully, and that it's not just me who wants a minute to myself sometimes.

I’ve come to realise he’s gets drained by socialising and being around people. I’m sure he’d deny it but sometimes I sense that extends to being with me [...] whenever we’ve chatted about it is insistent this is working for him and he wants to be in the relationship. I get that he needs quiet time to recharge but I’m quite sensitive to rejection.
He's telling you that he wants to be with you and is happy with the situation. The way you describe this, the idea that this is rejection is coming entirely from you.
If I was in your dp's position and realised that I was being accused of rejecting my partner because I wanted to veg out on my own once in a while, I would be asking myself if we were compatible. Don't know if that answers your question about compatibility.

He has a level of awareness, empathy and sensitivity that I love, and is very conscious of my needs. Maybe too conscious sometimes and not focused enough on his own.
Isn't it his decision, how much he wants to concentrate on your needs and feel like a good partner who's great at making his gf happy? Maybe that gives him a lot of pleasure and pride?

For what it's worth, I'm an introvert and easily drained by social situations. My ex was a massive extrovert and needed people around her which became difficult for me around Christmas and such. She wanted her (god awful) friends over before Xmas and then Xmas with her 400 family members. We talked about it plenty but she would never see my side of it despite saying so.

We would argue every NYE as she would want to sit with her family all day, around 10hrs of company.

Xmas was a massive trigger for me.

I haven't dated since but it will be very high up on the agenda to figure out how "outgoing" she is. Complete make or break for me now.

Signed. Old Introvert

I think my partner and I are probably both introverts. I don't find him draining, but I do really need and value time to myself, if he is out for the day or away for several days. I'm sure he feels the same.
We've never really gone in for texting.... but then mobile phones hadn't been invented when we first got together 😂
I think space in a relationship is essential - we all need our independence, and private time, as well as time together.

Introverts of the world unite.
Separately.
And without going outside.
Whilst silently reading.
With biscuits,
and tea!

I know as an introvert when I've had enough. DP loves the footie and when he watches a match I get 2 hours or so to myself. Lovely, bliss. For God sake don't tell him.

I do like socialising etc, but know that I need time to recover. I know that sounds grand, but it is true. So if a party on Saturday night, I don't want to do much on Sunday.

I think as an introvert you learn your own levels and hopefully a partner learns them too.
Major causes of stress is when plans are not made. Such as we are going to a party with 70 people, no it's 100, no it's a beach bbq, no it's a blah blah. Just tell me when it is, what it is etc.

With my ex it was always I think I want to change my job, go and work in France, Spain, Africa etc. I would then plan how that was going to impact on me and others only for him to then say he had changed his mind and was not even going to apply for that role.

His mother being a huge extrovert did not help at all.

I think you are seeing your boyfriend as a sort of alien life from who you want to study so you can 'keep' him successfully.

Perhaps part of the issue is the fact you're 'courting' and that is associated with quite a high-level of interaction.

I live with my partner and we do, of course, go out and do things, have conversations etc. But we also have separate friendships and interests. We might be in the house together but do different things. We'll read books in bed in companionable silence. Sometimes we'll go for walks and not say much. I've been known to say to him that I'll respond more to what he's saying if he talks to me at some different time - ie not as soon as I've walked through the door after being out with friends.

If you are happiest when being very chatty and having lots of people round, I'd say either it won't work or you need to find some way of being together that also involves a good deal of being separate. If that makes sense.

I am an extrovert and neurotypical, and I come from a family of neurodiverse people, although it isn’t obvious unless you know them well. I have learned to accept that no matter how much they love me and enjoy spending time with me, they also need to be able to retreat for a day or two and lie (generally under a fluffy blanket) and do their favourite thing over and over. If they don’t get that time then it leads to burnout. Nothing personal, just that the world can be overwhelming, the overstimulation is real.

My sister describes hearing everything everywhere all at once when she is out.

So if the relationship is otherwise good and works in general, don’t throw it away. But if it feels incompatible then also don’t drag it out. But really, don’t take it personally. Over time you can coexists in a house and will he will get comfy having reset time in the same space as you, as long as you let him do it.

I’m an introvert and I don’t find my partner draining. At all. We live together but I have never found him draining, not even in the very early stages of dating. He’s not really like other people to me. Just the other day, my sister called and I was feeling very peopled out and told her I can’t speak, then went to the other room and kept chatting with my partner. In that moment, I thought about how being around him demands no energy from me.

Im an introverted over thinker married to an extrovert confident person.
I tend to go to bed earlier and cosy up with a good book, with three DC 2 of which are also extroverts it call all get a bit much.
DH doesn’t take it personally when I go off for a walk by myself or crash out early.
The only thing I would say is that I seem to becoming more introverted as I age, DH jokes that I’d live like a hermit if I could so it’s worth considering that as your DP ages he may be even less sociable

Maybe he's not introverted so much as lazy / has low energy levels, if a relaxed weekend makes him feel tired out or 'busy'?

What is his sleep like? What does he do when he's not seeing you? Does he cook meals and keep his house tidy? Does he stay up late gaming/ online, does he leave a lot of his house admin to the last minute? Does he ever plan things for you both to do together? I'd be wary about getting stuck with a lazy bloke who cba to anything!

My exP took it as personal rejection if I wanted to spend any time alone, and. expected to spend every evening on the sofa together chatting. I found it suffocating, but he just could not understand my feelings and need for solitude. It is a major reason why he became an ex after living together for several years.

If you can understand and accept your DP's need for alone/down time, particularly after socialising or intense solo-parenting, and not feel it as rejection, then your relationship has a chance of success.

House wise he's pretty good, and he had to suddenly adjust to doing everything at home when he lost his wife.
He's got no choice but to do the shopping, cooking etc. and he's fairly tidy. He's very routine focused in terms of house jobs. Dishwasher always loaded every night etc.
I'm worse at that and my house is definitely a bit more chaotic!
He does suggest things for us to do together and can be very efficient and pro-active at booking and arranging things.

He understandably just gets overwhelmed sometimes, but I have to remind myself he is solo parenting and it didn't creep up on him gradually like with me, he was suddenly thrown into it in sad circumstances.

He is not a gamer, sleep wise we both sometimes do the "revenge bedtime procrastination" thing occasionally and stay up later than we should! But I think that's fairly normal

You could read Quiet by Susan Cain. Has a chapter about introvert/extrovert relationships.