Relationship with an introvert, I have questions/worries!

[Twelftytwo]

DP of nearly 2 years. Don’t live together, don’t plan to in the near future, both 40s, both have kids still at home.

Generally it’s good but I’ve come to realise he’s gets drained by socialising and being around people. I’m sure he’d deny it but sometimes I sense that extends to being with me 😞
it kind of works for us at the moment as we’re both busy with kids so I only stay over every fortnight and other than that we only see each other for 1-2 hours at a time. We do text every day although I think in the beginning he was surprised how much I wanted to text 😆

im wondering if we have a future? If it’s still going well when the kids leave home I’d like to spend more time together and move in. He’s mentioned that too. He is very affectionate verbally and physically and whenever we’ve chatted about it is insistent this is working for him and he wants to be in the relationship.

I get that he needs quiet time to recharge but I’m quite sensitive to rejection.

my questions are - do introverts tend to find their partners draining? Or is there a point in a long term relationship when that’s not the case?

he is very considerate and anxious to be a “good boyfriend”, but then is not very good at identifying and speaking up about his own needs. I find myself anticipating them for him eg saying “shall we not meet up today as it sounds like you need some quiet child free time”, but wondering what he’s really thinking and feeling is a bit tiring for me. I don’t want to have to do that all the time.

I should say he is a full time single dad to a teen boy with SEN who doesn’t go out much and needs a lot of verbal feedback and interaction. So it’s possible he might be less in need of quiet time when his son is older.

can an extrovert/introvert relationship work?
I find it a little hard to relate to as I like to be busy and around people.

im trying to understand him and am getting there but its hard when he isnt very practised at vocalising his needs.

I think you might be overthinking the importance of the introversion-extraversion thing. It’s just one dimension of personality but it’s ’high profile’ at the moment and people IMO are way too quick to centre their identity around it. He has a lot going on in life and probably just needs a bit of downtime to himself. Sometimes that might mean he just needs that time to himself, at other times it can be together doing your own thing. I don’t think you should overly focus on this as a potential problem.

My DH and I are both introverts but I'm definitely more social than he is. When it comes to visiting family he always stays at home but that doesn't bother me as I feel like I can let my hair down and chat away with my sister, nephews etc and not worry about the time as he will want to go home. When it comes to being at home we both chill in the same room together but don't always talk, he's always on his computer and I'm usually on my tablet watching something while the kids (if they're still up) watch the main TV. It works really well for us, and when we need to say something to one another we just pause what we're doing, have a quick chat then go back to it. we don't go out every weekend together because I work every Saturday but I'd say maybe one in every 3 or 4 Sundays and weather dependent we do go out as a family and explore. I'd say I definitely have to push him to go out but then sometimes I push for it then would rather stay in myself as I love to just chill in peace 🤦🤣 but my DH sounds similar to your DP when we first started dating 13yrs ago he was very keen to please and text me alot now I definitely think I'm the one who talks more to him and he will make it clear when he's had enough but I try not to take it personally I just message my friends if I want to talk and he's not in the mood. Over all though I'd say after years of insecurities on my end I've learnt to trust that he is happy with me as he is very stubborn and won't do things he doesn't want to so I've come to accept he wouldn't be with me/marry me and have kids with me if he didn't actually want to be here. We can very much be happy just being in each others company without having to talk or interact with each other, both doing what we enjoy together but separately.

KIlliePieMyOhMy · Yesterday 17:20

Introverts of the world unite.
Separately.
And without going outside.
Whilst silently reading.
With biscuits,
and tea!

Brilliant! 😍

I'm an extrovert whose late husband was an introvert. We got along just fine as we respected one another's needs and enjoyed time together too. I had a much more active social life than he did, and he got time in his den when I was out. As someone mentioned upthread, living together could actually be far more relaxing for both of you than dating.
I'm in a fairly new relationship with another introvert - I think I must have a type! - and we don't spend every day together by any means. I wouldn't want that either as I have lots of activities that I enjoy and need time for. However, it's sometimes quite full on for him I think if he's at my place for a few days (or vice-versa), as it's not so easy to take time out and do your own thing, should you need to. In a living together situation that would be much simpler, so I can see that working well if you are essentially happy together, which it sounds as if you are.

I’m introverted and I don’t find my partner or children draining at all. Other people I find exhausting. As you don’t live together you don’t really know each other and it is probably draining now but it wouldn’t be if you lived together. I’d feel differently if I didn’t live with my partner and he didn’t know the real me.

I'm introverted, whereas DP is much more of an extrovert.

One thing I'd point out is that you're still in a very new relationship. I don't find spending time with DP draining, or like I'm socialising, but I sure did at the start of the relationship. It was probably a good year before I didn't feel like I had to be "on" with her all the time, and before I could properly feel relaxed in her company.

But while spending time with DP isn't draining, it's also not something that'll enable me to "recharge" either. I need time alone for that, whether it's sat in bed with a good book, or the commute home from work, or taking myself off for a walk, or doing the cooking with my music blaring, or spending the evening shooting aliens on the computer.

And the more social I've been, or am about to be, the more likely I am to need some solitude. I love going out with DP and her friends for her birthday for instance, but a big event like that really does leave me drained, and I'm going to need some space the next day, just to decompress.

Christmas is a good example. I really enjoy Christmas, but whether I'm spending it with mine or her family, by about mid afternoon on boxing day I'm climbing the walls to escape. especially after all the pre- Christmas celebrating with work, friends etc. As a result I've developed a pre-Christmas ritual, which I've mentioned on here before. A few days before Christmas I take a day off work. I don't tell DP or DD, and leave for "work" as usual. Instead of turning up at work, I go for a long walk or bike ride, find a greasy spoon for a massive breakfast, then swing by a bookshop. I spend a while picking a good book, and then spend the afternoon in a nice cosy pub reading it, and getting lightly pickled. I roll in from "work" at my usual time, muttering something about having a few drinks in the office, thoroughly prepared for the coming festivities. There's just something about being alone among other people, that recharges the batteries for me.

I actually think introvert/extrovert can work quite well, I know a lot of couples like this. I think the key is, are you happy to socialise and be a bit independent long term. I've friends who are this dynamic, and she's out a lot socialising (and when she's out getting her people/chatting fix, he's in getting his silent walls fix). They come back together balanced out.
If you're imagining a relationship where you spend your weekends always together, socialise together, do any hobbies together etc, I don't think that works.
I do find myself a need to be alone and that includes my husband, but I find an hour in the bath or an hour with a book sorts me out.

Tbh the main issue here seems to be more that he's not good at expressing his needs - that's irritating and hard work whether someone is an introvert or extrovert (e.g. instead of saying the weekend was "non stop" an extrovert might say "I just feel my weekend was a bit dull and we didn't do a lot"). So I'd say it's more important that he learns to communicate that to you. Tell him directly "I really care about you, and it feels like you are wary of expressing exactly what you want in order to avoid upsetting me, but by trying to please me you actually give me the responsibility of ensuring both of us are having a good time, which is hard work for me - can you please just always explicitly take responsibility for ensuring your needs are met in our relationship, even if that means not seeing me sometimes or not joining me in something i invite you to, because it'll actually make us both happier and stronger together in the long run"
I think once you know that he's taking ownership for his needs, you'll also be able to see exactly how a longer term relationship will work, and if it's right for you.

There's been some really helpful comments and insights on this thread, thank you all so much.
Overall it's made me feel hopeful for us and very grateful for him 😊
I think if things do progress then it's been reassuring that living together could be easier in some ways.
I also can't underestimate the impact that his current parenting role and situation has on him.

And pp is correct that us both communicating about our needs and feelings is really key. That's something we're both very keen to work on so I think we've got a good chance 😊