When he's bad he's very bad but treats me like the bad guy

[Whenhesbad]

DH and I have been married almost a decade and together even longer. We have young DC and we have always had arguments and problems but sometimes they are worse than others and I don't know what triggers it. When I say it's worse at the moment I mean HE is worse. His behaviour towards me is awful. He treats me with disrespect and unkindness and he clearly doesn't care how I feel, tells me I need to learn a lesson, talks about revenge. He shouts and swears at me in front of our young dc.

Today it's all getting on top of me and I don't know why I'm scared for leaving. He doesn't physically hurt me as he wouldn't risk getting into trouble but he has pushed me out of the way, pulled keys out of my hand, thrown things around, breaks my things, he'll walk around the house in dirty shoes as he knows it will bother me, that sort of thing. He's driven super fast when I'm in the car to scare me as well.

Last night he got really angry that I woke him accidentally when I came to bed. He was asleep at 8:30. After I woke him he first didn't seem that angry but then I realised he was and he was telling me how selfish I am and shouting so I was asking him not to wake the DC. I was saying I'm not totally selfish as I came in without putting the light or making any noise and didn't mean to wake him but he wasn't letting me speak. He doesn't when he's like that. He says what he wants to say and continues but doesn't let me speak. He said he'd get revenge and not let me sleep so he turned the brightness up on his phone and pointed it in my direction for ten minutes while listening to something and when I came back in the room he'd put the light on and refused to turn it off. I recorded the conversation and told him and I think that's what stopped him but even then he turned the light off he pulled the duvet away and thrashed around in the bed saying "see if you can sleep now" or something. Eventually he left the room saying I won't admit I'm wrong. Something like that. I've a recording.

this morning he said "good morning dc" ignoring me (fine) then asked if I'll give him a lift which I ignored but then agreed as I knew he'd just make things harder for me or even just take the car if I didn't agree and I needed to drop the DC off somewhere.

I just feel like he's going to break me.

Things haven't been as bad as this in a while but it's relentless. Not every day is as bad as that but every day he speaks to me like shit or had a big reaction to something and I'm the one doing most of the housework and admin.

It's not as easy as asking him to leave as he wouldn't go and if find it hard to live somewhere else as I wouldn't want to move in with my parents and I don't want to spent money on somewhere to live if I'm going to be a single parent soon.

I don't feel like can talk to anyone in real life about this as I'm so embarrassed.

What I mean in the subject is that after he's behaved badly, like last night, he comes acts like he's annoyed with me. After I mentioned divorce and putting home improvements on hold for that reason at the weekend, the next day he said the same thing back to me, but when I was "normal" with him yesterday in the daytime he was happy with that. He talks about divorce if I do. He treats me badly if I'm annoyed with him, as if he's annoyed with me, even though I've done nothing wrong,

You have to get away from this man as soon as possible. He is dangerous. He hasn't seriously hurt you yet, but it's absolutely clear from what he's said that he would hurt you if he thought he could get away with it. You have nothing at all to be embarrassed or ashamed about. It's not your fault he is an abusive prick. Phone Woman’s Aid. They will not judge you and will have some useful advice. I would also start keeping a record of his behaviour.

He IS violent if he throws things, pushes you, drives dangerously to scare you, yells at you in front of your children - that’s all domestic violence. He also emotionally/psychologically abuses you. He has the emotional maturity of a toddler and that’s not going to change anytime soon. This is an abusive and toxic situation for all involved.

This is abuse and it will only get worse.
For the sake of your children and also yourself you need to get this abusive man out of your life NOW!
Contact women’s aid and get things moving. Start getting together important papers - passports (yours and children’s), any Bank accounts get details eg statements. Is your house rented or owned? Get details of Landlord/Mortgage details. Is it in joint names?

Then I’d phone Police (without letting him know)and get him removed from the house. Claim physical violence against you and in front of your children.
Then get the locks changed and get a restraining order on him. I don’t know how old your children are but this is not a good environment for them to be living in.
Do take heed things will not get better only worse and there will come a time when he will physically hurt you.
Sending big hugs and hand hold.

Honestly you can not stay with this horror of a man, that is abuse and you both know it

Thank you for the replies.

Yes is he abusive. He can't discuss things. I can't say anything (even like asking for help as I'm doing too much) without getting abuse back and being told he doesn't like the way I speak to him but he speaks to me like shit and it's okay!

I have started keeping a record again and I occasionally record the arguments almost for my own sanity as I know I'm talking normally and he's just being ridiculous and angry.

I have thought about calling the Police but I don't know if that's OTT. I don't know how else to get him out though and what would he do in response? His way has always been to punish me or get revenge (not in a big way but in a way that would bother me) and I just don't know how he'd react to me calling the police.

DC under 5. He doesn't even care about behaving like this in front of the children. He has an older child now grown up but I think their mum left him when the child was a toddler as he must have been the same then.

If you won’t leave for yourself, do it for the kids. You are teaching them this is ok in a relationship and setting them up to be abusive or abused in their future relationships.

I don't know whether he doesn't see what's wrong with his behaviour or more likely doesn't care. I need to continue keeping a record. The problem in the past has been he'll be okay and then I think it's not so bad.

I also worry about sharing custody with him as he goes between saying he'd fight for 50/50 as he doesn't want to pay child support again to saying (yesterday) if we split up he'll be gone and leave DC with me which in a way is fine but I'd feel bad for my DC not having their dad.

I know you are right. I've been putting up with this for 20 years. It's not new. My children come first, I know he's not going to change as there's not an ounce of self reflection or responsibility. He's 50 and behaves like a teenager!

Don't let your lack of easy escape options stop you from taking the next step. Acknowledge that this IS abuse and seek advice. I know when I was in a similar situation it seemed impossible to make changes. But once I was clear that it was impossible to stay, options started revealing themselves. Make a plan and work towards it. Ask for advice and support. Don't expect him to change, or be beguiled back by temporary good behaviour. Good luck x

He's driven super fast when I'm in the car to scare me as well.

This alone would be enough to make me leave him. He hasn’t killed you and DC yet, but you know it could happen any day. Or you or DC could be left with disabling injuries or brain damage. Or he might just kill or disable someone else.

He sounds vile in every possible way, OP, and a serious danger to you and DC. Please don’t let them grow up thinking this is normal family life.

That’s nothing like a teenager, that’s like a disgusting abusive bloke who has a playbook on how to keep you in line. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation - it’s not your fault.

have you spoken to any of the charities around DV? women’s aid etc? Do you work? How old are you?

This was before we even got married and not with DC in the car but I cannot guarantee he won't do that.

I did call the police though so they may have record of it. I told him if he didn't stop I'd call the police and I did. He was hear saying "don't you dare call the police"'or something before I hung up and the police met me somewhere and wouldn't leave until I confirmed I was okay. I made up a story about why I called them. I guess that may help if I do have to involve them.

I'm early 40s with a good job. I earn more than him if I work full time but currently work 4 days and we earn the same. I feel stupid as I'm an intelligent and capable woman and people would be shocked I let someone treat me this way.

I haven't spoken to any charities.

Talk to the police OP. And social services. And uour health visitor. And anyone else official who'll listen. Get his abuse on record everywhere so that you have evidence when you eventually divorce him.

That’s great you’ve got a good job, you just need a bit of help to get free. Sounds like you’ve been living with this for so long you can’t remember what normality is. If I woke my husband up accidentally like that he’d say “don’t worry” and probably give me a hug.

Your husband has got you living in a tiny kingdom where he’s the king and all tiny breaches of his rules must be punished. It’s not love, it’s not a family. Your kids deserve a happy peaceful home not a mum who’s being terrorised for walking into her own bedroom.

What can you do today to start the path of changing your life?

I know you're right but I've never felt able to make the move.

What I'm doing right now is documenting things. I'm going to start getting a handle of my finances. We have our own money but have joint accounts for bills, food and stuff but he keeps a spreadsheet of what is in both our accounts! He can't stand me having more than him which i did for a while as I earned more and he paid CSM but he made sure it evened out by refusing to pay for things like food (before we had a joint account for it) so I spent my money on food, stuff for the house and everything the DC needed as well as half the bills.

And you are right about the terrorising. Sometimes I'm in an awful mood because of him and then I'm not the best mum.

Have you read about domestic abuse? I think speaking to someone about this would really help - you have the power to change this but only by getting away.

do you have boys or girls? What’s he like with them?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

X post - great that you’re keeping a record of things. Do you still have the stuff you kept previously?

It's so true that you're currently setting the benchmark for your children's future relationships. I never really thought much about that until my 20 year old DD ended a relationship over behaviour she didn't like. He and others told her she was being over sensitive/expecting too much etc. But she told me that her deciding factor was that she knew her dad would never behave like that towards me. It floored me to be honest.

@WitcheryDivine We have boys and he's fine with them but can be short tempered and he doesn't look after them the way I do.

Yes the records are on my phone. I even have recordings from years ago I think.

Abuse thrives on secrecy. Please reach out to Women’s Aid and the police.

How old were you when you met him?. And were you vulnerable and or otherwise in a bad place (poor relationships experience)?.

This abuse of you and in turn your kids cannot and must not become the cornerstone of their childhoods. It will affect them markedly if it is a not already. And it is. You’re currently showing them this is still acceptable to you. The abuse is not your adult but you have a choice with your h and your children do not. Like many abusers too he’s demanding 50/50 but it’s all hot sir really. He’s not bothered about his kids now because if he was you as their mum would not be abused. Please find it within you to divorce and otherwise get him out of your day to day lives asap. Your kids will
thank you.

You are prevaricating by getting your documents sorted etc and coming up with excuses. Contact woman's aid for advice and next steps. Do you have a mortgage in both names? Are you renting and are you down as a tenant? Are the bills in your name or his? These are things to look at but you can do that after you have left. If you can, contact a lawyer and get things moving. He is abusive to you and it will only get worse. If he won't leave, you can. Are your parents abusive? Is that why you don't want to move in with them in the immediate future? He's talking from the script. They all want 50/50 until they don't. It's a way of hurting you. I'm sorry that you are in this position, but leave!

If you further want to leave a paper trail
contact your GP but your priority now has to be your safety and that of your children. You are not safe living under the same roof as he.

Getting together a paper trail is secondary really. Would you also consider seeking legal advice ?. That’s another thing you need to do and knowledge is also power.