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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When he's bad he's very bad but treats me like the bad guy

62 replies

Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 10:41

DH and I have been married almost a decade and together even longer. We have young DC and we have always had arguments and problems but sometimes they are worse than others and I don't know what triggers it. When I say it's worse at the moment I mean HE is worse. His behaviour towards me is awful. He treats me with disrespect and unkindness and he clearly doesn't care how I feel, tells me I need to learn a lesson, talks about revenge. He shouts and swears at me in front of our young dc.

Today it's all getting on top of me and I don't know why I'm scared for leaving. He doesn't physically hurt me as he wouldn't risk getting into trouble but he has pushed me out of the way, pulled keys out of my hand, thrown things around, breaks my things, he'll walk around the house in dirty shoes as he knows it will bother me, that sort of thing. He's driven super fast when I'm in the car to scare me as well.

Last night he got really angry that I woke him accidentally when I came to bed. He was asleep at 8:30. After I woke him he first didn't seem that angry but then I realised he was and he was telling me how selfish I am and shouting so I was asking him not to wake the DC. I was saying I'm not totally selfish as I came in without putting the light or making any noise and didn't mean to wake him but he wasn't letting me speak. He doesn't when he's like that. He says what he wants to say and continues but doesn't let me speak. He said he'd get revenge and not let me sleep so he turned the brightness up on his phone and pointed it in my direction for ten minutes while listening to something and when I came back in the room he'd put the light on and refused to turn it off. I recorded the conversation and told him and I think that's what stopped him but even then he turned the light off he pulled the duvet away and thrashed around in the bed saying "see if you can sleep now" or something. Eventually he left the room saying I won't admit I'm wrong. Something like that. I've a recording.

this morning he said "good morning dc" ignoring me (fine) then asked if I'll give him a lift which I ignored but then agreed as I knew he'd just make things harder for me or even just take the car if I didn't agree and I needed to drop the DC off somewhere.

I just feel like he's going to break me.

Things haven't been as bad as this in a while but it's relentless. Not every day is as bad as that but every day he speaks to me like shit or had a big reaction to something and I'm the one doing most of the housework and admin.

It's not as easy as asking him to leave as he wouldn't go and if find it hard to live somewhere else as I wouldn't want to move in with my parents and I don't want to spent money on somewhere to live if I'm going to be a single parent soon.

I don't feel like can talk to anyone in real life about this as I'm so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 11:43

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2025 11:40

Abuse thrives on secrecy. Please reach out to Women’s Aid and the police.

How old were you when you met him?. And were you vulnerable and or otherwise in a bad place (poor relationships experience)?.

This abuse of you and in turn your kids cannot and must not become the cornerstone of their childhoods. It will affect them markedly if it is a not already. And it is. You’re currently showing them this is still acceptable to you. The abuse is not your adult but you have a choice with your h and your children do not. Like many abusers too he’s demanding 50/50 but it’s all hot sir really. He’s not bothered about his kids now because if he was you as their mum would not be abused. Please find it within you to divorce and otherwise get him out of your day to day lives asap. Your kids will
thank you.

I was in my early 20s when I met him, first serious relationship but not his as he already had kids. I had a difficult home life so even when things were not right I continued with the marriage as the alternative was also difficult, not that I was never happy with him but things were always difficult and I always felt he was unfair to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 11:44

My parents were abusive and we have an okay relationship now but I wouldn't want to live with them now with my DC.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2025 11:44

Your difficult home life primed you well into accepting this from him as your lot. Your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and now your kids are learning similar lessons. This cannot be allowed to continue.

Original poster
Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 11:45

We own a house with mortgage everything in both names. We were considering taking out a remortgage for extensive home improvements but I've said I don't think we should. I would consider buying him out if I can.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2025 11:46

Seek legal advice re all aspects of divorce asap, as before knowledge is power.

MounjaroMounjaro · 28/05/2025 11:47

I would be terrified of living with someone like that, OP. You must be living on your nerves.

As you say, he will want 50:50 for financial reasons, but I really doubt he'd follow that through for long. He's completely selfish, so wouldn't want to be tied down by the kids.

Do you have any practical support, like your parents?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2025 11:50

Ops parents were (and likely still are) abusive. Op needs the likes of a solicitor, women’s aid and the police to get him
out of day to day life. I would ask about non molestation orders.

MounjaroMounjaro · 28/05/2025 11:53

So sorry, I missed that bit about your parents.

Original poster
Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 11:58

My parents are okay and would be there if I needed but my mum in particular was abusive (would shout and call me names when I was a teenager) and my dad is okay but doesn't seem to get what's appropriate. He says he's there but when I did contact them a while back because we had problems my dad was uncomfortable with us talking about the arguments we were having and finances so I can't actually talk to him! Also when I called my dad once because DH was taking air out of the tyres because I needed the car that day and I think refused to give him a lift as he'd been abusive to me, my dad came to give him a lift! My dad thought he was helping but he actually just reinforced that DH behaviour is okay.

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 28/05/2025 11:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 12:00

My youngest DC does say daddy shouts all the time and we don't like him but I don't know if I've reinforced this. The children are closer to me but it's because I look after them.

The hardest bit is the idea of him having my children 50% of the time. I would try to contest this obviously.

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 28/05/2025 12:02

Sorry for the repeat post my phone is being a silly sausage 🙄

S0j0urn4r · 28/05/2025 12:03

Please contact Womens Aid. They can help you plan to leave.
Get legal advice re divorce.
If you stay the abuse will get worse and it absolutely will affect your child.

HelloCheekyCat · 28/05/2025 12:12

The fact that your parents were abusive and you're now in an abusive relationship should give you an even bigger incentive to split up, imagine your boys being like him or being abused like you as adults repeating the pattern.
My dad was like your DH and it was such a relief when my mu. Finally initiated the split. He had escalated to physical abuse before it got to that point

Nopicturesallowed · 28/05/2025 12:43

Try NCDV as they may be able to give some help and advice.
You need to end it but you also need to keep yourself and your children safe. It will be hard but what would be harder? Ending it or living like this indefinitely?

Original poster
Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 12:54

Yes I think long haul it would be easier if he was not here but it's getting to that point that is difficult.

Thanks for the advice.

I need to try to do some work now but I am distracted and upset. I've spent a lot of our married life feeling this way but I remember feeling this way with my mother too so yes the cycle of abuse is a real thing.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 28/05/2025 13:04

MrTiddlesTheCat · 28/05/2025 11:35

It's so true that you're currently setting the benchmark for your children's future relationships. I never really thought much about that until my 20 year old DD ended a relationship over behaviour she didn't like. He and others told her she was being over sensitive/expecting too much etc. But she told me that her deciding factor was that she knew her dad would never behave like that towards me. It floored me to be honest.

This is very true in most cases. Aside from young women who might be low in confidence or other things. It’s often the home life you came from, that set your standards and make you the person you are.
We didn’t have that, we were shown and taught to put up with things, and that many things an abusive man does is almost normal.

The waking the partner up etc, this one i remember well.
That my dad could do that but not the other way around, so no respect for my mother, she wouldn’t put the light on and creeping around, but he could do that as it was normal, then why not for her. He could make noise too. Some of what he would do, was just to be nasty or just to be more of a nuisance.
And excuses were always made. That’s amongst many other things.

pinkyredrose · 28/05/2025 13:10

I'd feel bad for my DC not having their dad.

Flip this around. You should feel good for not subjecting them to an abusive dad. It'll be causing them untold damage plus they're learning this is how men treat women.

You need to put them first and not let them live in a damaging environment.

Who's name is the house in?

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 28/05/2025 13:21

Based on your updates, you absolutely need a lawyer's advice as well as contacting Woman's Aid. In the short term, it might be best to leave with the children and rent somewhere because I don't think living in the house with him while you are separated will work. I would contact woman's aid first so you are armed going to see a lawyer. I hope you can go

TipsyJoker · 28/05/2025 13:45

This is the cycle of abuse. Abusers are not awful all the time otherwise you would leave. They switch between nasty and nice in order to keep you there.

read this
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

this will help you understand what’s happening and help straighten your thoughts in your head. Don’t waste your time trying to understand why he’s like this or what you’re doing or not doing wrong. He’s like this because he can be and because it benefits him. That’s why. And no, it’s not anything you are or aren’t doing. He is CHOOSING to be abusive to you because he is an abuse man. He will be abusive to any woman he has a relationship with because he believes he has the right to exert his power over women, who are beneath him.

Read the book. And contact women’s aid immediately for support to make an exit plan. If you report him to the police, you may be able to get an occupation order from the court to allow you and the children to stay in the home and him be made to leave. If you do this, have the locks changed immediately.

First things first though, women’s aid. You have to get you and your children safe.

BuckChuckets · 28/05/2025 13:58

Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 11:39

@WitcheryDivine We have boys and he's fine with them but can be short tempered and he doesn't look after them the way I do.

Yes the records are on my phone. I even have recordings from years ago I think.

Please don't let them grow up into abusers. I've seen that happen with 2 boys I grew up with, they witnessed how their dad treated their mum, and they're both abusive men.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 28/05/2025 14:02

He is horribly abusive, and is using a common abusers' tactic called DARVO against you as well. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender and makes the victim out to be at fault.

Original poster
Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 15:06

Yes I worry about staying in the house with him if we decide to split but he won't leave. He will do things to make my life more difficult as he believes in revenge and consequences for me but none for him as he won't be "controlled".

Yes DARVO seems about right. It's so hard for me to get my head around why someone behaves this way. He doesn't want to leave so why? Why be horrible to someone just because you can? We have a lovely home, great friends and family, beautiful children. We could have an amazing life (I'm sure people think we do). I just don't get it.

He's so resistant to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenhesbad · 28/05/2025 15:07

I do know he won't change and I need to stop trying to understand or making him understand and just detach somehow.

OP posts:
Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 28/05/2025 15:14

If you have funds book an Airbnb with your dc while you file for divorce..tell him you are taking a holiday if need be. I was still living with now exh when I filed for divorce.. I wasn't working and had no money.. Have you a friend can hold onto all your important things?, confiding in some irl may boost your confidence.. You won't have a true friend who won't support you getting away and feeling safe. Claim cms on the date you file for divorce.. If you have a joint bank account take half out into your personal account and change all passwords.. Do not underestimate how dangerous he may become.. Do not hesitate in calling 999 if you feel unsafe.