When he's bad he's very bad but treats me like the bad guy

[Whenhesbad]

DH and I have been married almost a decade and together even longer. We have young DC and we have always had arguments and problems but sometimes they are worse than others and I don't know what triggers it. When I say it's worse at the moment I mean HE is worse. His behaviour towards me is awful. He treats me with disrespect and unkindness and he clearly doesn't care how I feel, tells me I need to learn a lesson, talks about revenge. He shouts and swears at me in front of our young dc.

Today it's all getting on top of me and I don't know why I'm scared for leaving. He doesn't physically hurt me as he wouldn't risk getting into trouble but he has pushed me out of the way, pulled keys out of my hand, thrown things around, breaks my things, he'll walk around the house in dirty shoes as he knows it will bother me, that sort of thing. He's driven super fast when I'm in the car to scare me as well.

Last night he got really angry that I woke him accidentally when I came to bed. He was asleep at 8:30. After I woke him he first didn't seem that angry but then I realised he was and he was telling me how selfish I am and shouting so I was asking him not to wake the DC. I was saying I'm not totally selfish as I came in without putting the light or making any noise and didn't mean to wake him but he wasn't letting me speak. He doesn't when he's like that. He says what he wants to say and continues but doesn't let me speak. He said he'd get revenge and not let me sleep so he turned the brightness up on his phone and pointed it in my direction for ten minutes while listening to something and when I came back in the room he'd put the light on and refused to turn it off. I recorded the conversation and told him and I think that's what stopped him but even then he turned the light off he pulled the duvet away and thrashed around in the bed saying "see if you can sleep now" or something. Eventually he left the room saying I won't admit I'm wrong. Something like that. I've a recording.

this morning he said "good morning dc" ignoring me (fine) then asked if I'll give him a lift which I ignored but then agreed as I knew he'd just make things harder for me or even just take the car if I didn't agree and I needed to drop the DC off somewhere.

I just feel like he's going to break me.

Things haven't been as bad as this in a while but it's relentless. Not every day is as bad as that but every day he speaks to me like shit or had a big reaction to something and I'm the one doing most of the housework and admin.

It's not as easy as asking him to leave as he wouldn't go and if find it hard to live somewhere else as I wouldn't want to move in with my parents and I don't want to spent money on somewhere to live if I'm going to be a single parent soon.

I don't feel like can talk to anyone in real life about this as I'm so embarrassed.

He does not want to leave because he likes having you around to abuse along with fling the housework and childcare. He does this too because he can so you need ultimately to remove yourself entirely from him. He is not the boss of you ultimately and you have a choice re him even now. I hope you do go onto divorce your (and in turn your kids) abuser.

He’s likely chucking 50:50 around to avoid paying maintenance. It’s an empty threat on his part but it’s a threat that he will continue to wield over you, he knows the kids are your Achilles heel. Such men are only bothered with their own selves and I would think he would not have much if anything really to do with the kids going forward. Do you really think he’d be bothered to have them half the week, no is the short answer and he’d likely farm then off to his parents.

If he also really did care about his kids he would not abuse you as their mother. He neither a decent husband nor father to his children.

He does it because it benefits him. It makes you compliant and under his control. He does it because having control over you makes him feel powerful, means you will never question or challenge him for fear of punishment and makes you too afraid to leave in case he will seek revenge. It also means he is able to control the money, have a live in maid, free childcare and absolves him of having to do any of the mental load and life admin. And you can’t challenge him on it. Abusive men are abusive because it benefits them. They have a deep seated belief system that they are superior to women and that women are to obey and serve men. They see women as lesser beings if they even see them as people at all instead of a possession that belongs to them. And whilst you think he could have a lovely life if he would just be nicer to you, he already has a lovely life because he has a subservient woman who clean his house, give him children that she assumes ultimate responsibility for, controls all the money and makes all the decisions. He’s cruising. And he enjoys it. He enjoys having that power and control. So, you’re pain and anguish is his lifeblood. He loves it. It fuels him. The more he breaks you down, the better he feels. The more powerful he becomes. That’s why he will never change. He will always be like this and will only get worse. The reason you can’t understand that is because you are not an abusive man who’s sole desire is total and utter power, control and domination.

With his older son (my DSS) he had him every single weekend but they lived further away so he couldn't do drop offs so could only see them on a weekend. If he lived nearby he'd potentially seek 50:50 to avoid paying CMS. He's just stopped paying for DSS and would hate to have to start paying again. He sometimes says he'll feel 50:50, sometimes days he'll go far away.

You are right that he has it easy now. He's even said he won't leave as it doesn't suit him to do so but he hates it if I challenge him or his behaviour. Maybe that could make him leave but I can't trust what he'll do.

If you challenge his behaviour he won’t change he will just become more abusive. His behaviour will escalate and that is very dangerous for you. My advice wouldn’t be to start challenging him but to start planning your exit strategy. Speak to women’s aid to get support to make an exit plan. Don’t think you can change this because you can’t. Your options are to stay and continue to be abused and to expose your children to that abuse or to leave and free yourself and your children from being under his control and safe from danger. That’s it. Those are your options.

I would urge you to leave him and as soon as you are able. You need outside help from the likes of Womens Aid and a Solicitor to plan your exit strategy.

Remember now that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Therefore your relationship to him is over or it should be.

He may well further up the power and control aka abuse if he decides that the current level of control you are under is not enough. Challenging him will give him a further opportunity to put you down. Do not forget either that such men hate women, ALL of them.

Again you have a choice re this man and your children do not. Make good choices for you and they going forward. They will thank you for doing so.

Please listen to me - well it's up to you whether you do or not.
I could have written this 20 years ago. My exH's behaviour was always tolerated by my infantile brain, because he was 'funny'. There were so many times he could make me belly laugh; he was utterly engaging in company. Everyone wanted to be his friend. The cheeky, funny guy everyone wanted to be around. Fatal. Behind closed doors our lives just got worse and worse once the children came along. The boy who I met at high school, the one who said "he couldn't believe I was his girlfriend and that I was too good for him", developed into someone I barely knew. All of the traits you have listed above could have been him. I was beyond devastated when I found out he was having an affair, has shagged prostitutes on a stag do, was dabbling in cocaine, all while managing to hold down a successful business and pretend he was father of the year.
He basically had a massive mid life crisis, BUT, none of those things would have happened had he respected me in the first place, ALL of the time, not intermittently between the laughs and fun. I thought he loved me-clearly he didn't.
I was suicidal. I'd say 6 years on I was at peace. 20 years on, I'm the happiest I've ever been and thank God he left when the kids were so young as they don't remember any of it. They are successful, emotionally stable, kind human beings. They are also high achievers but their peace of mind and emotional stability was all I really cared about. I co-parented reluctantly for their sakes, and sometimes took diazepam to get me though things where I HAD to be around him. But I lived, and I thrived.
Please look after your own mental health and just as importantly your children. In the kindest possible way, his actions speak louder than words; he simply doesn't love you. And you were ok before you met him. Which means you'll be ok after he's gone. Aim higher X

Hey @Whenhesbad how’s today going? Did you have a chance to speak to Women’s Aid yet?

No I've been home with the DC today as it's school
holidays. I don't know how to feel really but I really dislike him at the moment.

You might actually find your children will be glad you are leaving him. As adults, assuming they aren't like him, I'm sure they'd be proud of you for telling him to do one.

Once you've got away from him you definitely have to have a big chat about having left because his behaviour was abusive. They need to know women will leave them if they turn out like their dad.