My daughter hates me

[Sese123]

My daughter and I were always really close. When she was 6, her dad left suddenly and had a relationship with an 18 yo girl. My daughter hated visiting him because his gf wasn't very kind to her. He often made excuses to not have our DD over to stay and contact her infrequently. Now they have split up, he has decided to make more time for our DD and likes to shower her with expensive gifts. He has told her things about me that are untrue and she believes him despite her being there. She is now 14 and is so disrespectful towards me. I discipline her accordingly. In the past I spoke with him about her behaviour and instead of supporting me, he told me I was backward and a moron. She was there when he said this. It is only since she was rude to him recently that he has now approached me and asked if we could support each other in making sure she doesn't behave like that again. He's so manipulative and a complete narcissist. Reluctantly I cooperated because at the end of the day, I want my DD to be a respectable person. It upsets me that she has lived through the hurt and heartache that he has caused but now, treats him like a king and me like something she has stood in. My friends can't believe how she is treating me. They don't know exactly how much she hurts me because I'm too embarrassed to tell them. She is completely different around other people. She just hates me and I absolutely hate my life at the minute.

You need to put in firm boundaries. Dont take any shit from either of them. Decide what you want and stick by it. That’s the best for your dd on the long run, even if she doesn’t like it now.
Don’t play into his games

She's lashing out and expressing her hurt. She trusts you to be there, so unfortunately, you bear the brunt of it. She daren't rage against her dad in case he leaves her again.

I know it's hard but a thick skin, endless patience and a lot of reassurance will help. Take a deep breath

Wow, I would send the little madam packing to her dad's for a while!

Unfortunately narcissism is often hereditary.
Hopefully it's not that but...I'd send her to a therapist asap tbh. You need to get ahead of this.

Believe me, it has crossed my mind.

My daughter was a nightmare at this age. It is a common age for teenage rebellion. Examples included don’t speak to my friends when they come to the house, don’t sit next to me on the bus, I hate yo. She is now older and loving and caring. Obviously with your daughter’s background she will have more to deal with. One tip I would give is wait till things are calm then try and talk about how hard it is being a teenager. I would sometimes talk about how what she said made you feel. Small conversations .She might benefit from therapy…perhaps her school can help if she agrees,

Teenagers are horrible you do need to work with her dad and have consistent boundaries and punishments. She will act like she hates you. She doesn'

Hang in there. Model good behaviour. Take no shit, she needs to be told good manners are an expectation. This is a time to be firm and always consistent. We removed all screens at 8.30 (we needed a lock box for a while), the school gets in an outside consultant to talk to the kids about alcohol and drugs and he said they stay out on Saturday nights to their year (year 10 equals 10pm) and that worked for us, too. But, she had to be home by sundown but was allowed to manage herself by then. Just have the good manners to tell me if you’re home for dinner. So, she had freedom.

However, 14 year old girls never have a good year. It’s horrible for them. Dd was dropped by two friends at that age and was hurt deeply but I had to say “While you are 14, so are your friends and I will never hold what a 14 year old girl has to say against her when she grows out of it”. However, dd holds a grudge occasionally so hasn’t reached out to make amends. One girl did say sorry on dd’s birthday after they had left school.

I do remember dd screaming at me one morning “etc etc etc I hate you” and I just said “OK. I’m going back to bed”. She just stared at me “wwwwhy?” and I just said “you are a 14 year old girl and you hate your mother. The pinnacle of my day has been achieved so I am going back to bed with a book”. Oh, her face was a picture. I had a stand up argument with a mate in the supermarket aisle one day as to who was the worst mother in the world as we had both heard it loudly that morning.

She is now the best girl God ever put on this earth. Diligent, amenable, highly valued by her employers, great long term boyfriend. Everything a mum could want. I count my blessings every day.

My daughter is nearly 7 and often lashes out at me too. She tells me she hates me, doesn't want to live with me, I'm the worst..

Her dad is a textbook narcissist and she is almost always in tears going to see him and never looks forward to it.

He tries to play father of the year but doesn't even own a pair of school socks for her. I have to pack her entire school uniform and everything else because he just refuses to provide anything.

Anyway, my point is as hard as it is, your daughter will realise who was there and who was not. My daughter sees her dad's behaviour. When I pick her up from school after contact weekend I often come home to "I love mummy, I miss mummy, mummy is the best in the whole word" drawings so I know deep down she loves me.

Just be there for her, carry on being child focussed like you are. I echo what ppl said, you need to put in very firm boundaries in terms of him.

Thanks everyone. I am at the end of my tether. My daughter should have come home to me today. I'm having work done on my house so I told her I'd pick her up a bit later than usual. I couldn't give her an exact time so as soon as the first job was done, I called to say I'd collect her. This was at about 1.30pm. She said she didn't want to come then because I needed to choose paint and she didn't want to go paint shopping. Since then she has been so awkward and was really rude to me on the phone before hanging up. I told her that she is always causing problems and arguing back. I called her dad to ask him to speak to her about the way she had spoken to me. He backed her up and said she did nothing wrong and it was my fault for not giving a definite time. When he put her back on the phone I asked her if she wanted to come home. She said she doesn't know. She usually comes home at 12 and she's still not here. I haven't seen her since Sunday morning when she was disrespectful again before leaving. Again, I'd spoken to her dad and he said that it's typical of a 14 to behave like that. I feel like I'm losing it.

Step back, she is safe at her dad's. Use this time to give yourself a breather.
Once she realises you are not chasing after her she'll be wanting to be back home sooner rather than later. It's hard, as her mum you feel like you have to do everything possible to keep them with you but a bit of space can be just as good.
I'll put money on dad's house not being as comfortable as yours, let her find out for herself.

My daughter's dad is the same. I used to have to send my daughter with a suitcase every time she went to him. He lives 2 bus rides away (he can't drive) and he makes her get up at 5am to come to mine to get ready for school. All of her school things are here. I feel like she goes to him for a play date. No actual parenting goes on. Today she hadn't come home when she should have done. She created an issue over the phone and her idiotic dad defended her. When he had a girlfriend, my daughter was not a priority. He allowed her to be mean to her. She was only 18/19 at the time. I give her boundaries but it's difficult to enforce them when she has such a narcissistic and manipulative dad. I have really had enough and I don't know what else I can do. She hates the thought of me talking to anybody about her behaviour incase they develop negative thoughts about her. I told her that based on that alone, she knows that what she is doing is wrong.

Your daughter does not hate you 🙏 She is suffering and she needs you. I'm sorry you are suffering too. You know it's him, that is messing with you both. He thrives on drama and making you compete with eachother. He is manipulating you both. He wants to sever the bond you have with your daughter by all means necessary (even making her "hate" you). Do not let him do this. Stay strong with her, even when it's awful. You are her mother, she needs you and he is evil.

she is 14
Don't stoop to her level
Stop calling her dad to tell tales
Why would she want to choose paint ?
Stay calm stay nice just reply oh well you are a teenager you are wired to hate me
But I still love you

Her dad left
Now he back
But she doesn't know if he gonna leave again so is clinging on
she testing you to see if you leave
just stay calm

"That was rude" said quietly and walk away.

Buy the book how to talk so teens wil listen
https://amzn.eu/d/aj1hoNz

You could reach out to a family therapist for help if you don't know what to do
Sessions separately and together with your daughter
But don't fight back and don't get involved with her dad
she is old enough that you do not need to be involved with her dad at all

She doesn’t hate you, I promise.

I know the things with her dad hugely complicate matters. But irrespective of that many teens can be just awful like this. It’s a way of becoming separate from their parents. That parent / child love is so intense and for a teen to break free from it (and they must, if they’re to become an adult) sometimes they have to crucify it, or so it feels.

It’s still there though. Try not to take it personally (I know, easier said than done.)

Stop asking a man you describe as a manipulative narcissist to help you with your dd.

Can't you see how futile that is? He's not on your side. He's not on her side. He's probably loving the opportunity to mess with you.

You'd probably be better off having less contact with him, not trying to engage with him. Stop getting him involved.

Just concentrate on you and your dd's relationship and how to manage her behaviour with you.

I agree with @category12.

When you said earlier that he'd asked you for your help with dd I knew he wouldn't return the favour.

It was over a year ago when he verbally abused me when I asked him to have a word with her about her attitude. I know I should stop all contact with him. I am annoyed at myself because earlier, I messaged him to say how I don't appreciate his manipulative ways towards my daughter and his encouragement to be disrespectful. She should have been home with me today but hasn't. I've been reading up about parental alienation as what I am experiencing is exactly that. When I messaged him, he showed her the message so she text me telling me to leave her dad alone, he is not manipulating me before implying that I'm manipulating her. My message wasn't at all abusive or insulting but still, showing her what I'm saying to him as her other parent is wrong especially knowing how she will react. I know this sounds dramatic but I absolutely hate my life. I've tried getting the mentor to speak with her in school but she doesn't engage. She says everything is fine. There's not much more they can do. To everyone else she's a nice quiet girl. I just feel that she and her dad talk a lot of rubbish about me and tag team against me. I know teens can be a bit rebellious but this is all so sly and done so secretly. I feel so useless and lonely.

What you need to do is take her stuff round to her dads and let him deal with it. Tell her she has an open door back to yours but right now she's staying where she is until she learns boundaries.

He'll soon get bored of parenting her full time and your DD will realise in time that he's a king douche. It might take a while but she will.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP, it sounds incredibly unfair and frustrating. Mum and teenage girl relationships are such a minefield as it is, without her Dad actively working against you.

Do you have an official custody agreement with her Dad? What he’s doing could be classed as parental alienation, as per google:

Definition:
Parental alienation, also sometimes referred to as "alienating behaviors," is described as a parent's actions that intentionally undermine or obstruct the child's relationship with the other parent. This can involve negative comments about the other parent, actively preventing contact, or manipulating the child to feel negatively towards the other parent.

Legal Framework:
UK law doesn't have a specific provision for parental alienation, but the Children Act 1989 provides a broad framework for dealing with child-related issues. Courts can intervene if they believe a child's well-being is at risk due to parental alienation, often making orders related to contact or residence.

Do you have a solicitor that can advise you? Your daughter might not understand it now, but if you go via official routes to try and stop his narcissistic behaviours, maybe one day she’ll see you’re not the enemy and you did everything you could to maintain a relationship with her.

I'm not sure I'm even going to go and pick her up tomorrow. I've just had a panic attack. I've only ever had one twice before. My head is pounding and I can't sleep. I can't help but think this is it for us. I know exactly how she's going to be when she does come home. Miserable and moody. I partly blame myself. She's an only child who has everything. I give her attention and knows she is loved. It's just a pity she can't love me back. I wouldn't mind if I'd done something to upset her but I haven't.ive just been scrolling though old messages sent by her dad. He is such an angry man.

I don't have an official custody agreement. We arranged the days ourselves. The definition of parental alienation describes him perfectly. I am at the point where I think I need some legal aid. I told him earlier that this is parental alienation because I want him to know that I know what he's doing. He told me that I'm alienating myself. He is so manipulative. He twists the things I say and tells my daughter. She then messaged me to repeat what he's said.

I know you're right. It's so difficult because she knows that if I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do like pick your clothes up off the floor (nothing strenuous) or tell her off for something, she runs to daddy and he'll protect her. Literally nobody likes him. He has no friends and the friends he did have no longer speak to him because of the way he is. Whenever he waffles on about me not telling him things, I say our daughter is 14 and more than capable of passing on messages. Important things like appointments I messaged him. He often lies about not receiving emails from school. The slipped up last week though when he said he didn't get an email then said he did in the same conversation.

It sounds like you also go running to him to tell your side, though.

I think you need to really reduce how much you're talking to him. Grey rock him. Stop feeding into the drama.

He gets emails from the school, you know this. So you don''t need to tell him school stuff. Move to a co-parenting app or message only, and just do factual stuff, don't get into discussions. Stop playing his game.

If she goes running to daddy, so what? Let her.

The good news about splitting up with the guy is that you don't have to listen to him any more. It's literally the best bit of a break up, start enjoying it. 😁

At your house, it's your rules. At your house, she picks up her clothes. However you choose to discipline, is between you and her, and you just broken record her about that. At dad's house, it's his rules.

Just say to her honestly that you're tired of being played off against her dad, and this is how it is. Stop playing her game.