Page 3 | My daughter hates me

Sese123 · 2025-05-28T08:57:16+00:00

My daughter and I were always really close. When she was 6, her dad left suddenly and had a relationship with an 18 yo girl. My daughter hated visiting him because his gf wasn't very kind to her. He often made excuses to not have our DD over to stay and contact her infrequently. Now they have split up, he has decided to make more time for our DD and likes to shower her with expensive gifts. He has told her things about me that are untrue and she believes him despite her being there. She is now 14 and is so disrespectful towards me. I discipline her accordingly. In the past I spoke with him about her behaviour and instead of supporting me, he told me I was backward and a moron. She was there when he said this. It is only since she was rude to him recently that he has now approached me and asked if we could support each other in making sure she doesn't behave like that again. He's so manipulative and a complete narcissist. Reluctantly I cooperated because at the end of the day, I want my DD to be a respectable person. It upsets me that she has lived through the hurt and heartache that he has caused but now, treats him like a king and me like something she has stood in. My friends can't believe how she is treating me. They don't know exactly how much she hurts me because I'm too embarrassed to tell them. She is completely different around other people. She just hates me and I absolutely hate my life at the minute.

NameChangedOfc · 30/05/2025 14:13

Sese123 · 30/05/2025 00:05

It was over a year ago when he verbally abused me when I asked him to have a word with her about her attitude. I know I should stop all contact with him. I am annoyed at myself because earlier, I messaged him to say how I don't appreciate his manipulative ways towards my daughter and his encouragement to be disrespectful. She should have been home with me today but hasn't. I've been reading up about parental alienation as what I am experiencing is exactly that. When I messaged him, he showed her the message so she text me telling me to leave her dad alone, he is not manipulating me before implying that I'm manipulating her. My message wasn't at all abusive or insulting but still, showing her what I'm saying to him as her other parent is wrong especially knowing how she will react. I know this sounds dramatic but I absolutely hate my life. I've tried getting the mentor to speak with her in school but she doesn't engage. She says everything is fine. There's not much more they can do. To everyone else she's a nice quiet girl. I just feel that she and her dad talk a lot of rubbish about me and tag team against me. I know teens can be a bit rebellious but this is all so sly and done so secretly. I feel so useless and lonely.

You need someone on your side: of course you feel like you hate your life! It is exactly what he wants and what he is dedicated to: making you miserable is his full time job.
I understand the well meaning posts of people advising you to let your daughter with him so "she eventually learns the lesson/sees him for what he is". I wouldn't recommend that at all: parental alienation at the hands of a narcissist is very dsngerous and involves a lot of suffering. We are not talking about spending a week with your Disney dad untill you missed your mum's cooking. This is a whole other level, so you need expert advice and guidance from someone who knows about NPD and/or personality disorders in general.
Just don't give up on your daughter however this looks like for you. And seek help: this is serious stuff, often misunderstood socially. You don't have to do this alone. Remember: you are the good one here.

ETA: just to add some recommendations of authors like Karyl McBride or Susan Forward. There's also Dr. Ramani on youtube: not my cup of tea, but has helped many people.
I hope you find the help you need 🙏

TomatoSandwiches · 30/05/2025 14:16

I'd stop taking her over there and picking her up, I wouldn't facilitate their relationship except to say you're not stopping her seeing him but your not actively helping either.
He is a bad influence and your daughter needs therapy to help realise the nature of who he really is.
Hopefully if you get her to see someone soon it will have a positive impact on your relationship with her.

Original poster

Sese123 · 30/05/2025 14:22

NameChangedOfc · 30/05/2025 14:13

You need someone on your side: of course you feel like you hate your life! It is exactly what he wants and what he is dedicated to: making you miserable is his full time job.
I understand the well meaning posts of people advising you to let your daughter with him so "she eventually learns the lesson/sees him for what he is". I wouldn't recommend that at all: parental alienation at the hands of a narcissist is very dsngerous and involves a lot of suffering. We are not talking about spending a week with your Disney dad untill you missed your mum's cooking. This is a whole other level, so you need expert advice and guidance from someone who knows about NPD and/or personality disorders in general.
Just don't give up on your daughter however this looks like for you. And seek help: this is serious stuff, often misunderstood socially. You don't have to do this alone. Remember: you are the good one here.

ETA: just to add some recommendations of authors like Karyl McBride or Susan Forward. There's also Dr. Ramani on youtube: not my cup of tea, but has helped many people.
I hope you find the help you need 🙏

Edited

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Thank you so much. I would never give up on her. It's not in my nature to do so. I don't like speaking to people I know about it because I don't want them to develop any negative ideas about her. She's a lovely girl deep down. Her brain still hasn't fully formed and she's battling hormonal changes. This is why I think that her dad doing this is evil. I think if he truly cared for her, he'd want her to lead a happy life. I picked her up earlier. She's not said much and all of her responses to me have been pretty short. She's having a shower because she couldn't in her dad's for whatever reason. I'm not even going to raise the issue of what has happened with her. I plan to carry on as normal. I will have a look at getting some help though because I can't go on like this and neither can she.

OP posts:

NameChangedOfc · 30/05/2025 14:29

Good luck @Sese123 🙏💐

Sassybooklover · 30/05/2025 14:32

You need to stop fueling your ex with ammunition to use against you, with your daughter. He's not only enjoying your anguish but is revealing with the fact that your daughter is against you. It's all music to his ears, and you keep coming back at him, giving him yet more ammunition to use against you! Deep breath and stop all communication with your ex. Don't engage with him for help, or telling him home truths etc. You are wasting your energy. Communicate with your daughter, but on a basic level - I'm collecting you at XX time. Don't message her telling her how dreadful she's being etc. These are messages she can show her Dad, and it adds to his enjoyment. Your ex hasn't been consistent in your daughter's life for a long time, and suddenly he is. Your daughter loves her Dad, because he's her Dad. She wants his love and attention and if being nasty to you is going to make him give her that, then she will go along with it. You have a scared daughter who's frightened her Dad is just going to disappear again, and she's desperately trying to do whatever it takes to stop that happening. Of course she doesn't really hate you, but she's a young teenager who has no clue how to navigate her Dad.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/05/2025 14:42

She’s being 14. Don’t rise to it. And STOP calling her dad to back you up! Why are you asking the man who walked out on her for parenting advice? He’s got a cheek asking for you to back him up.

She’s shouting as that’s the only way she knows how to communicate. Give her some space. She doesn’t want to go paint shopping. So what? You should ask if she wants to go paint shopping rather than expect her to do it. If she doesn’t want to go, what’s the problem? She’s growing up. Give her some choices. Choose your battles.

You haven’t really given any examples of her bad behaviour. You called her to pick her up, she didn’t want to be picked up at that time, why is that so bad? Why not enjoy your free afternoon and just say you’ll see her later?

I get it. It’s really annoying when her dad has left you to do the hard work of raising her alone and now it feels like he’s swooping in. But rise above it. Leave her to it. She’ll see for herself soon enough what an arse he is. At the moment all you’re doing is giving them both ammunition to shoot you down.

Breathe. Step back. You’re not losing it. You’ve got a 14 year old who doesn’t want her mum telling her what to do. Let her make her own choices. It sounds like she doesn’t know how to respond to you. Saying ‘she doesn’t know’ is her being scared to say yes or no. Instead of saying ‘do you want to come home’ try saying ‘would you like to come home now or do you want to give me a call when you’re ready to be picked up’. You need to give her more choices. You can even say ‘let me know when you’d like to be picked up, I’m free between 4-6pm’ so you’re not waiting around.

Kindly, it looks like you’ve been very used to being in charge, which you’ve had to be, but you’re not letting her make any decisions now she’s older. In what way is she disrespectful to you? And how are you disciplining her?

Original poster

Sese123 · 30/05/2025 14:47

Sassybooklover · 30/05/2025 14:32

You need to stop fueling your ex with ammunition to use against you, with your daughter. He's not only enjoying your anguish but is revealing with the fact that your daughter is against you. It's all music to his ears, and you keep coming back at him, giving him yet more ammunition to use against you! Deep breath and stop all communication with your ex. Don't engage with him for help, or telling him home truths etc. You are wasting your energy. Communicate with your daughter, but on a basic level - I'm collecting you at XX time. Don't message her telling her how dreadful she's being etc. These are messages she can show her Dad, and it adds to his enjoyment. Your ex hasn't been consistent in your daughter's life for a long time, and suddenly he is. Your daughter loves her Dad, because he's her Dad. She wants his love and attention and if being nasty to you is going to make him give her that, then she will go along with it. You have a scared daughter who's frightened her Dad is just going to disappear again, and she's desperately trying to do whatever it takes to stop that happening. Of course she doesn't really hate you, but she's a young teenager who has no clue how to navigate her Dad.

I won't be contacting him again. I stupidly thought we'd turned a corner but a leopard never changes it's spots. That was my bad.
When he left, he still maintained contact with her. I would take her to his mum's one day a week and he'd see her there. He left our family home without explanation. I was the one who had to face all of the questions my daughter had when I was falling apart myself. Anyway, fast forward a few years and I'm glad he's gone. He's very good at putting on a front to impress our daughter. He's been quite pleasant for the last year I'd say surprisingly, right up until yesterday.

Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 30/05/2025 15:19

Great to hear you taking on advice.
Remind yourself do not ask him to eg do this
" have a word with her as she'd been disrespectful on the phone "

Not his business .
Don't feed him

Keep calm be clear to dd within boundares as was suggested "ok i can pick you up at 6 pm today otherwise it willneed to be tomorrow at 2 pm : .