My daughter hates me

[Sese123]

My daughter and I were always really close. When she was 6, her dad left suddenly and had a relationship with an 18 yo girl. My daughter hated visiting him because his gf wasn't very kind to her. He often made excuses to not have our DD over to stay and contact her infrequently. Now they have split up, he has decided to make more time for our DD and likes to shower her with expensive gifts. He has told her things about me that are untrue and she believes him despite her being there. She is now 14 and is so disrespectful towards me. I discipline her accordingly. In the past I spoke with him about her behaviour and instead of supporting me, he told me I was backward and a moron. She was there when he said this. It is only since she was rude to him recently that he has now approached me and asked if we could support each other in making sure she doesn't behave like that again. He's so manipulative and a complete narcissist. Reluctantly I cooperated because at the end of the day, I want my DD to be a respectable person. It upsets me that she has lived through the hurt and heartache that he has caused but now, treats him like a king and me like something she has stood in. My friends can't believe how she is treating me. They don't know exactly how much she hurts me because I'm too embarrassed to tell them. She is completely different around other people. She just hates me and I absolutely hate my life at the minute.

I did leave her there last night. I've not seen her since Sunday morning. She should have come back yesterday. It's half term and she goes back to him this Sunday. When you have limited time with your children, you want to treasure that time. It's just been made difficult because her dad gives her leverage to do so. She's my only child and we have always been really close up until recently. He is so evil and wants to create problems between me and my daughter. I don't know why anyone would want to instill hatred in their own child. It hurts so much that she has bought into his ideology.

Well you chose to have a child with him and children don't just switch off feelings with either parent because one parent doesn't like the other, the poor child is in the middle of you two and doing the best she can do with what childhood she has and the life she is born into

I think you need to stop making this all about you and start putting your DD at the centre of things.

You need to be reliable and consistent with clear boundaries. Stop having arguments with her dad and focus the energy on her.

I'm not making this all about me. In fact so much energy has been focused on her, it's exhausting. A few weeks ago, he wanted to be united in our approach to parenting our DD but all of a sudden he wants to play good cop, bad cop. I didn't speak to him to have an argument. I asked him to have a word with her as she'd been disrespectful on the phone before hanging up on me when I was trying to arrange a time to pick her up from him. Being united was a suggestion made by him and because I want my DD to be a decent respectful human being, I cooperated. I want her to see that despite her parents being separated, we will still patent her properly and encourage positive values. I couldn't have been more wrong. I should have seen this coming and I take full responsibility for that because I'd asked him to cooperate with me about her attitude last year which was met with a tirade of abuse. I guess a leopard never changes it's spots.

Her dad isn't going to change. He's happy doing what he's doing. He gets doted on by his daughter and upsets you. Both of these things make him happy. You asking him to change/show consideration/teach respect is not going to work.

Once you have accepted that, you can work on what you can change - your response to him.

So many posters have said it - stop engaging with him and asking for his help! He's not going to help you. And you're adding fuel to your DD's fire because he uses these messages against you.

Send DD a message: 'Hope you are enjoying half term. Let if you if you need collecting. I'm at work between x and y and have plans tonight between 7 and 10pm. But could come at x time or y time. Love you xx

And let her get on with it. Show her you're there for her and that you love her. When she's at home, enforce boundaries and be consistent. That's all you can do for now. She's pulling away like teens do. Just let her know she's your priority and she'll come back when she's ready.

Ok, you know he's a useless arse so stop contacting him and expecting or asking him to parent effectively. He's not going to help and will use your messages against you with your daughter.

Also, don't complain about him or run him down to your daughter. Whatever you think of him, he's her dad and she doesn't want to be put in the middle and hear bad things about him. It won't help you forge a closer relationship with her.

Kindly, you need to calm down and play the long game. She's 14 and 14 year old are often horrible, especially to their main caregiver. You need to develop a thicker skin and toughen up - she doesn't hate you, she's just being a stroppy teenager. If she's rude to you, walk away and tell her you'll speak to her when she is able to treat you with respect. Do you pay for her phone, give her money to go out with her friends, give her lifts to friend's houses etc? Make it clear that these things are conditional on her good behaviour. Keep calm, don't get emotional and be very clear that you expect to be treated with respect and what the consequences will be if she's rude.

I don't complain about him to my daughter because that's an issue between me and him. She has never heard me be abusive towards him. I've always thought that no matter what I think, he's her dad. When she was younger, she would kick and scream because she didn't want to stay with him. I always encouraged her and told her the importance of having a relationship with her dad. It's totally different there. He tells her so many lies about me. He's that pathetic that he's told her that I claim child maintenance from him and that they gave me an option of how much he should pay and I selected the highest amount. On what planet does that even happen? When she was 8, I changed her surname from just his to both of ours at her request. Now he tells her that I forced it upon her and even knowing that's not true, she backs him up.
I've tried being tough but it's not easy. When she told me on the phone yesterday that she wasn't coming home, I was upset but still let her. Who knows if she'll bother to come back today. I make her consequences clear but she runs to her dad to complain then he'll contact me to say it's not fair. I feel like I can't win.

As I said upthread, you cannot win with a 14 year old girl. You cannot. They are not rational. Never hold anything a 14 year old girl says against her. If she repeats his lies, say calmly “recollections may vary” and leave it at that.

Try hard to keep calm, firm and play a longer game. When she isn’t 14 any more, she will be a different person.

Stop asking him to back you up and stop telling your dd that she’s difficult or calling her any other negative words.
you need to find a different way to approach this.
The more connected dc are with their parents, the less friction there is.
Accept she’s a hormonal teenager who’ll have ups and downs, accept that she’s a product of her upbringing and start working to stay calm and connected.

I know he's happy doing what he's doing. I'm not going to engage in anything from now. I've taken your advice and text her. I'm so tired of it all. My daughter has a very short memory. She was there when he walked out without explanation. She was there when he introduced his girlfriend who he'd been cheating with and even lied about her name to her. She was there when this same girl was mean to her and he did nothing about it. She was there when he made excuses not to have her stay with him. She was there when he has been verbally abusive. One thing I can say is that my daughter has never heard me verbally abuse him. I don't understand why after all of this, she still puts him on a pedestal. Believe me, I'm trying to be strong but I'm only human.

You weren't treasuring that time though OP, you couldn't even give her a definite time and then you wanted to drag her paint shopping. you really shouldn't have been surprised that a 14 year old wouldn't want to go. Teenagers are rude sometimes, you just point out they're being rude and move on, but you seem obsessed with this whole situation with her dad and are still running to him to tell tales on her and get him involved in dealing with her behaviour.

You really need to stop worrying about what's going on at his house and what he's saying and doing and worry about being a good parent at your house. If you really treasure time with your dd at half term you wouldn't be picking her up late and then wanting to go paint shopping, you should have done that while she was at her dads.

Stop caring about her dads bad behaviour, it's bordering on obsessive and concentrate on spending quality time with your daughter. It's not difficult, you're just not doing it. If you don't speak to him then he can't twist your words. I'm not surprised your dd isn't behaving well between the two of you. Stop contacting him and stop being a victim, you seem obsessed with him. Your dd needs your support and all you can think about is him.

This feels very familiar to me. I left my abusive and highly narcissistic ex husband when my daughter was 14. She begged me to leave and take her with her and within weeks of moving out, while I was still reeling, she started hanging out with him loads and I was the villain who was a "weirdo" a "loser", "selfish" and whatever else she could throw at me. I had read all the books, listened to the podcasts and watched the YouTube videos and I knew how I was supposed to handle it (calm, adult, firm, loving etc) but sometimes I turned into a a stroppy teenager myself as it just felt so incredibly unfair. I had looked after her all my life. He was abusive, not just to me but to her as well and she had begged me to leave (I'd been with him since the age of 20 and was completely institutionalised so not sure I would have left if she hadn't) yet now she was spending all her time with him and his new girlfriend + kids.

It didn't last. His mask slipped and she soon realised that it's impossible to spend time with him without getting burnt so after a year or so she cut ties and she hasn't spoken to him since (she's now 20).

You've had some great advice. 14 year olds are rarely rational and your daughter has been through real trauma that will last years for both of you but she doesn't know how to articulate it. She lashes out at you because she knows it's safe. She is clinging onto her dad because he is not and she knows she might lose him. Know this and try to let her work through this while keeping the communication lines open with her. Don't engage in her rudeness, just tell her she is being rude and walk away. Set clear boundaries (make them reasonable as she is getting older) and let her know the consequences of breaching them. Stay calm at all times and if you can't, apologies for losing your shit. I lost it many times as teenagers are infuriating but any time I acted in a way that was not adult, I apologised and I think that helped.

It's hard to maintain perspective while you are (most likely) suffering from a level of PTSD from your relationship but keep reading and learning and make sure you look after yourself as well. Stop engaging with your ex - you should not need to have any contact with him anymore as your DD is old enough to manage her schedule with the two of you.

Come here and vent if you need to. All parents of teenagers will understand the frustration and those of us with children who has an abusive parent will also get the additional complications and feelings around that.

My daughter has actually been given a very good childhood. She is and has always been very well looked after. Yes I chose to have a child with him but things changed as they do in many relationships. We were together for 15 years and things were good up until he decided to cheat on me with an 18/19 year old girl. Obviously we had our ups and downs but tell me one relationship that doesn't. He's a compulsive liar and is very manipulative. My daughter is 14 and at this age, is very impressionable. If he showers her with expensive gifts and agrees with her nonsense because it doesn't affect him, of course she is going to prefer him. I am her mum, not her friend and I will not back down or accept her disrespect just to keep her happy.

Thank you so much.

The age thing really stood out to me (him leaving you for a teenager and your daughter being a teenager). How old were you when you got together? Is he older than you?

In any case, 14 is a horrible time for teenage girls (teenagers in general!), with all the hormones. I agree that as long as you continue being there for her and trying to maintain your relationship as much as possible, she'll end up seeing how you've been there for her. It sounds so tough for you right now.

I disagree. I'm having work done on my house and last week she wanted to be involved in picking colours. Yesterday she changed her mind. They couldn't give me a definite time they'd be finished so as soon as they were leaving, I called her which was less than an hour later than usual. She could have stayed home while I nipped out or spent half and hour with her nan. It was a 30 min job. I was only picking her up late because I don't want to leave strangers alone in my house while I drive to the other end of the city. I suggested him dropping her off but this man cannot drive and lives 2 bus rides away. I'm always the one dropping her her there and everywhere. Like I've previously said, we'd agreed that we would support each other in parenting our daughter because that should be the right thing to do so she has set boundaries in both houses and there is no confusion for her. She was with him when she was rude on the phone before hanging up. That is why I called him to get her to calm down as I needed to arrange picking her up. Both of them were aware that work was being done and she'd be collected a little later than usual and it wasn't a problem. Sometimes things need doing around the house and as a single parent, your children are sometimes there. I value all of the time I spend with my daughter.

I used to regularly tell my DS, at 14, I didn’t like him but I’d always love him. He was awful, just like your DD. However, I know I did the right thing because he now tells me that it meant so much to him knowing I was there, loving him, despite his awful behaviour. He says it was reassuring to know I’d always be there for him despite him being a complete arse!

My daughter was about 7 at the time and he must have been about 39/40.

He's her dad. She wants him to love her.

She was there when all of those things happened and no doubt felt horrible because of it. She is therefore now grateful to have his love/attention/support because she knows it could be taken away at any time. Like it was before. I guess she's thinking that if she sides with him/doesn't question him, that he'll love her and stay with her. She knows you'll always love her so can push back against you more safely.

You are struggling to disentangle yourself from him and you're an adult woman. She's his child. She wants him to love her so she's behaving in a way that she hopes will secure his love.

Of course and I'm not dismissing that at all. I want her to love her dad. If course she should. I also want her know the difference between right and wrong and to grow up to be a respectable adult. She needs to understand that being rude and disrespectful is not acceptable. She knows she is loved in both houses but because I'm the one who gives her responsibilities and encourages her to do her homework, I'm the villain. Her dad said that he just picks up after her so he doesn't have to ask her to do it and he apparently doesn't know about her homework despite emails being sent from her school weekly and has been the same for the last 3 years. Of course at 14, I'm nothing but a horrible mum and her dad is so special. I'm here mum, not her friend.

Believe me, I have tried but he is impossible. A few weeks ago he suggested we work together and support each other whenever she is disrespectful. That's what I did yesterday. I simply called and asked him to speak to her because she'd hung up mid conversation. That's when he said he agreed with her and it wasn't her fault. All I'd said to her was that I was ready to collect her.

I think you need to get professional help and support for your reaction because you are making this a little bit about you and I think amalgamating the hurt and pain he has caused you onto your daughter.

14 year olds are tough, there is a thread on here about how year 9 is the worst and it is and it how you handle this now as to

what strikes me is you can’t grey rock, you can’t him and you can’t her. When a situation (and trust me it is a hard lesson to learn) needs you as the mum to simply stop, the boundary is clear but an emotional response isn’t needed but a much more neutral response

you need to take out the histrionics the concept that you are a horrible mum etc and parent

Stop falling for it. He's not a team player. He loves the drama.

Just really limit what he knows about your life from you, and stop all the phone calls.

Just be calm, safe and consistent with your dd. She'll figure out that playing you off against him won't work if you stop engaging with it.

She'll also figure out the "fun dad" isn't so much fun in time.

In the meantime, it's painful but it'll come right in the end.

Are you an AI?

I know you're absolutely right. I'm more annoyed at myself for contacting him. It's a mistake I will never make again. I'd love to say he's a fun dad but he isn't. He has no friends and when he's not working, sits in playing computer games apparently. Anyway, my priority is my daughter and my relationship with her. I will only engage with him on occasions that I absolutely have to.