Am I reading too much into other half cheating?

[Adam1977]

My wife (close on 20 years) has gone away with our three children and few other family members for half term. I have been having a little bit of a sort out in House and stumbled upon something that has sown a few seeds.
Before I jump the gun ill explain, I would like to give you a little bit of background on our relationship.
13 years ago we started trying for children but were unable to conceive naturally so went down route IVF. Had our first child and then next two came naturally. Trying for first child put so much pressure on both of us our natural sex life became a means to an end of having children and it has never really recovered. my wife has never really opened up about any sexual fantasies/desires or being forthcoming about sexuality. I love her dearly and I’ve tried talking and honestly looking at how our relationship is but she does not seem interested one bit.
we have probably had sex less than 15 times in the last three years. Please bear with me.
In our ensuite bedroom, there is a cupboard where on top of itThere are a few sex toys we bought quite a while back that hawe been gathering dust. about a year ago I noticed while I was replacing a spotlight that one of them was no longer covered in dust and obviously had been used (absolutely over the moon as I thought we might be back on track)) didn’t want to say anything to her just in case she may be embarrassed and not comfortable with it so over the last few months I have noticed they are getting used quite regularly but after a drunken conversation I said “do you ever masturbate now? “and she said no I haven’t for years.
I am totally happy with that if she is uncomfortable with talking about this. However, whilst having a sort out yesterday I found a bag of quite saucy underwear hidden on top of cupboard in another bedroom One or two items have never been worn but clearly a bodies type thing with matching thong had been worn washed and I noticed quite a few short trimmed grey hairs in the material of top and underwear (bear in mind we are both dark haired) I don’t want to seem like prime suspect doing forensics but in the last 7 to 8 months she has lost quite a lot of weight and also I have noticed grooming downstairs and keeping things tidy! I totally understand if she has been feeling sexy and masturbating dressed up as it might make her feel good and get her happy. But however the grey hairs that are into fabric have started to get me slightly paranoid. if it is the case, I don’t really mind as long as she is happy, but should I approach her and speak to her about it? If so, how do I go about it as I feel slightly lost?

Did you and your wife discussed anything related to your sexual activity of lack thereof recently? And maybe how you feel about it?
Close to 20 years of being together, would you feel confortable explaining what you're feeling about this subject and what lead to it. It seems you are very understanding. Maybe she'll open up about it.

I would probably be honest, see what she says, and suggest you have marriage counselling.

I would tell her whilst doing the work planned around the house you came across this and see her reaction.

Yes, we know it’s dented but it seems to get brushed in the carpet. But I think the issue here I am trying to get to is if I am banging my head on the wall if she is doing things I don’t know about and have no control over. If she has desires to do stuff, I am willing to work with that, but I do not know hence my confusion.

I don’t mind what her reaction is, but do you think I am right to have suspicions on what I have seen/found?

yeah I think she is probably cheating by the evidence you have found. That’s very dishonest of she is doing that and still sleeping with you at all. However infrequently, you are at risk of stds if she is doing this.

If it is solo behaviour, Is there a lack of trust in the relationship that she can’t open up to you about these things?

With the underwear thing I would be thinking she had cheated, yes. I sometimes buy nice undies for myself anyway as a confidence booster, but the hair on it would be ringing alarm bells.

in regards to masturbation, I don’t always tell my bf if/when I do it, frankly it’s private and not his business unless I want to involve him.

i know you say you don’t mind if she’s cheating on you, but you should get an STI test.

I can’t imagine a woman putting on lingerie to please her self though?

most of it is really uncomfortable and feels awful, in my opinion she would not bother with that visual garbage is she was pleasing herself only.

Not everyone wants to talk about their solo sex/masturbation with their partner. It’s completely normal to want to keep that side of things private.

That’s fair enough but to deny it happening at all?

in response to this, women can find pretty lingerie a real confidence booster and nice to treat themselves. Not all ‘sexy‘ lingerie is uncomfortable.some also like to wear it during solo sex/mb. However with the hair I do think she’s cheated.

denying it is fine if wife doesn’t want to discuss it. She may feel Pressure from Op to have sex if he finds out she still has a drive but doesn’t want to sleep with him.

Maybe but I would not bother dressing up for myself, it would only slow me down.

I would ask outright about the lingerie that you found. I wouldn’t mention the hair - it sort of says ‘I examined each piece very thoroughly’. But to say ‘I saw this, you’ve never worn it with me but it looks washed’ is probably all that needs to be said. I don’t believe women wear body type lingerie underneath (unless those plain shapewear ones), unless you’re planning on taking your clothes off in front of someone.

Dont mention the toys. That’s nothing to do with it really.

Are you a woman?

Not being paranoid, but I can clearly see that one set of underwear/negligee thing has never been worn. But the other matching set has been worn & washed but they’ve still got the grey hairs in fabric.
it’s quite easy to see as it is black fabric and where the bodice style thing has certain area with material that seems to catch it
I’ve got very very short shaved head. These are between 4 to 10 mm long. It as if somebody has a Groomed themselves before a meeting!! Thank you for your replies but do you think I am within my rights confronting her and saying what about this without looking stupid?

Yep

You are right, the toys are nothing to do with it. It’s just that’s part of the reason Ive started question things and thinking of any patterns/ things I’ve missed or being overthinking stuff

Not really sure how to answer each question individually, but no, I am not a woman

Weird question I know, but does your wife dye her hair/ does she have natural greys?

I was asking other poster if they are a woman because they seem to be happy speaking for all women re wearing lingerie

Under each post there is a ‘Quote’ button, just click on that and you can reply individually.

Christ, no of course there will be some that love a full lacey and frilly body with suspenders and stockings to do their weekly ASDA shop, but majority won’t and I speak to that for my own as well as my friends experiences. So you can get very literal and cling on to the fact that I left out the word most, or you can just take it that it was in fact implied.

Cue the ‘you are sexist because you say that all that women do is grocery shopping’ 🙄🙄🙄

The sex toys aren’t so suspicious. She could have not wanted to tell you because she thinks you’ll assume she wants sex and she doesn’t or because she’s embarrassed. But the underwear is suspicious. Why hide it? You don’t need to hide underwear from your husband unless you never intend for him to see it. And keeping herself groomed when she hasn’t in the past and isn’t planning to have sex with you (or wear a swimsuit) is another red flag.

Does she have opportunities to cheat?

I would just lay the underwear out for her and say ‘when did you get these?’ You can follow it up with ‘do you have something to tell me?’ Say as little as possible and let her talk. People tend to hate silence so fill it with unnecessary information that can often trip themselves up with it lying. If she gets defensive, evasive or panicked you have your answer. Most people can read their spouse well and know when they are lying or uncomfortable.

Do you think she has been having an affair?

Truthfully deep down, do you think she has been?

You do realise you said “I don't believe women wear body type lingerie underneath (unless those plain shapewear ones), unless you're planning on taking your clothes off in front of someone.” which is a pretty sweeping statement if it’s based off you and a few mates.