Am I reading too much into other half cheating?

[Adam1977]

My wife (close on 20 years) has gone away with our three children and few other family members for half term. I have been having a little bit of a sort out in House and stumbled upon something that has sown a few seeds.
Before I jump the gun ill explain, I would like to give you a little bit of background on our relationship.
13 years ago we started trying for children but were unable to conceive naturally so went down route IVF. Had our first child and then next two came naturally. Trying for first child put so much pressure on both of us our natural sex life became a means to an end of having children and it has never really recovered. my wife has never really opened up about any sexual fantasies/desires or being forthcoming about sexuality. I love her dearly and I’ve tried talking and honestly looking at how our relationship is but she does not seem interested one bit.
we have probably had sex less than 15 times in the last three years. Please bear with me.
In our ensuite bedroom, there is a cupboard where on top of itThere are a few sex toys we bought quite a while back that hawe been gathering dust. about a year ago I noticed while I was replacing a spotlight that one of them was no longer covered in dust and obviously had been used (absolutely over the moon as I thought we might be back on track)) didn’t want to say anything to her just in case she may be embarrassed and not comfortable with it so over the last few months I have noticed they are getting used quite regularly but after a drunken conversation I said “do you ever masturbate now? “and she said no I haven’t for years.
I am totally happy with that if she is uncomfortable with talking about this. However, whilst having a sort out yesterday I found a bag of quite saucy underwear hidden on top of cupboard in another bedroom One or two items have never been worn but clearly a bodies type thing with matching thong had been worn washed and I noticed quite a few short trimmed grey hairs in the material of top and underwear (bear in mind we are both dark haired) I don’t want to seem like prime suspect doing forensics but in the last 7 to 8 months she has lost quite a lot of weight and also I have noticed grooming downstairs and keeping things tidy! I totally understand if she has been feeling sexy and masturbating dressed up as it might make her feel good and get her happy. But however the grey hairs that are into fabric have started to get me slightly paranoid. if it is the case, I don’t really mind as long as she is happy, but should I approach her and speak to her about it? If so, how do I go about it as I feel slightly lost?

Does she have time where she would do this op? Like does she work away or anything? As a woman with young children I do wonder how the hell one would have the time for an affair.

Of course women do that.. makes them feel sexy and more sexual.. maybe heightens their orgasms too.
It's very common .

If they definitely are hairs and don’t belong to you, her or any pets that live in the house, then yes it does sound like she’s cheating, especially when you out it alongside the other red flags. Sorry.

This does sound quite like something a man might think.

No, never works away, works from home. Was in office environment until lockdown she drives and I am out of the house from eight till 3 to 5 most days.

Not saying it isn’t affair as that insinuates a long-term thing. Who knows maybe it is an impulsive one off or I don’t know what.

Don’t apologise I’m asking for honest feedback and opinions

Do you have a cat?

I’ve never heard of lots of hair being stuck in lingerie, if washed it would fall out

Something about this doesn’t make sense. Why would she have underwear that she had washed but still had loads of hairs on it?

If it’s not broken elastic fibres as others have mentioned, only other thing I can think is it’s got fibres on it from something else in the wash eg a wool jumper.

But none of this explains the existence of these items. Why keep on a high shelf when they could be in pride of place in underwear drawer?

lol!!! Nope

Why have you quoted the OP? The first response? I can understand it on the second page but the VERY FIRST response??????

Not loads of hair on them.
Not in price of place in an underwear drawer as all the other underwear is very, very basic and practical for day-to-day use. All I can think they are hidden away in a bag at the back of the top of a wardrobe where they do not want to be found or seen

Edited as realise question had been asked and answered

This is so painful. Yes your wife is having sex with other people/person. Even if it wasn’t a long term affair thing, who cares? She’s not doing it with you. You don’t want to ask because you don’t want to know the answer. You know that if you just say look we don’t have sex anymore and it seem like you’re not into the idea of bringing our sec life back, she’ll throw her hands up in the air, drop the pretence and leave. And she will. And you should do you both a favour and just do it do she can.

really she should too. She should just say it’s over and be done with it. And even if she’s dressing up in fancy clothes to mastrubate in (which sounds like a lot of effort tbh but to each their own) with this massive collection of dildos (that sound like they need to be kept in a more hygienic environment), she’s having a sex life just choosing not to have it with you. And yes she can do that, and no you can’t stop her - it’s her body - but she’s clearly been putting a lot of time and effort into her solo sex sessions, not to mention money on lingerie, and you’re sitting here twiddling you thumbs/something else, hoping she’s going to involve you at some point. She won’t. You asked her and she lied and said no she’s not mastrubating. The invite ain’t coming. And now you’re sitting here measuring out mm of some random dudes pubic hair and trying to desperately search for ways she isn’t cheating, instead of living life. Sorry for the tough love but honestly I think you need a reality check.

They are pubes! Come on.

with all the secrecy with the lingerie and gear, and she is not having sex with you, it’s likely she is or has with someone else.
I am sorry for you and think it’s highly likely with the evidence you have found.

These items could be from years ago also. like many years ago.

What are you going on about? I was the first to ask a question to op... I was wondering if he feels comfortable discussing this matter with his wife. Open and honest communication is most of the times the best course of action.

Do you have access to her devices? A ring doorbell or any other cameras?

I would calmly question her when she got home. If she doesn’t have a plausible explanation for grey hairs in sexy underwear she has been hiding I would ask to see her phone. If she doesn’t give it to you straight away I would tell her that is all the evidence you need that she is having an affair.

What you have found is very suspicious. If my husband found the same and I wasn’t cheating I would definitely hand over my phone so he can confirm that for himself. I wouldn’t want him to worry if I knew there was no truth to it.

Unfortunately if she is cheating, the evidence points to an affair rather than a spontaneous ONS.

Could it be that bag has been on cupboard for years? Was the bag dusty? Is there a receipt in the bag with a date on? Is sexy lingerie in a size pre weight loss?

A few hairs on a pair of knickers for me isn't conclusive evidence of cheating. It could be from anything.
None of us know if the OPs wife is cheating on him or not the only person who knows is the wife.
The problem here is the lack of intimacy in the marriage. We don't know the ins and outs of the marriage all we can do is comment on the original post.
To be measuring out hair on a pair of knickers, and to be searching around the house the second your wife has left, you suspect something for whatever reason.
When she comes home, you need to talk to her. After 20 years you should be able to discuss things such as your sex life and she should have the decency to be honest.
What she does in her spare time with her toys so to speak is up to her, but if she's not getting initmate with you, there's a reason!
I hope there is a logical explanation and that there is nobody else!

PP was commenting on the fact that in your post you have repeated the entire OP by quoting the whole thing which is generally considered unnecessary and poor form.

OP all the signs are there that your wife is potentially cheating and I do think you have enough questions to gently ask her without sounding bizarre. I perhaps wouldn’t be too confrontational in case this is all about self pleasure but I would absolutely probe it with her and her reaction will no doubt give you your answer

The lingerie could be from years ago, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

The trouble is there is a lack of intimacy between you both, she might not be very comfortable with children in the house to have sex. You do need to talk about it, it could be she is so tired at night that she’d rather snuggle up to you on the sofa.
You could offer her a massage, skin to skin is intimate but don’t make it your goal to turn her on, it doesn’t have to lead to sex, let her know it’s just a massage, let her relax fully and start making time together that’s not just watching tv.
A night away together, or go on a spa day, or take her to see a show she’d love, it’s about relaxing together, enjoying each others company cuddling, reconnecting.

the difference of a man writing something like this to if a women did is staggering.

if a women posted that she found sex toys and lingerie no way would people be saying maybe it’s a surprise or he bought it years ago and just forgot.

I don’t think lingerie and sex toys are as much of a fetish as they would for a male 😂 but I do get what you mean.

I did think that maybe if she’s not cheating, she could be doing OF!

But people would probably say they were bought for someone else or left by someone else. In fact I’m sure there have been very similar posts and that was what was said