Am I reading too much into other half cheating?

[Adam1977]

My wife (close on 20 years) has gone away with our three children and few other family members for half term. I have been having a little bit of a sort out in House and stumbled upon something that has sown a few seeds.
Before I jump the gun ill explain, I would like to give you a little bit of background on our relationship.
13 years ago we started trying for children but were unable to conceive naturally so went down route IVF. Had our first child and then next two came naturally. Trying for first child put so much pressure on both of us our natural sex life became a means to an end of having children and it has never really recovered. my wife has never really opened up about any sexual fantasies/desires or being forthcoming about sexuality. I love her dearly and I’ve tried talking and honestly looking at how our relationship is but she does not seem interested one bit.
we have probably had sex less than 15 times in the last three years. Please bear with me.
In our ensuite bedroom, there is a cupboard where on top of itThere are a few sex toys we bought quite a while back that hawe been gathering dust. about a year ago I noticed while I was replacing a spotlight that one of them was no longer covered in dust and obviously had been used (absolutely over the moon as I thought we might be back on track)) didn’t want to say anything to her just in case she may be embarrassed and not comfortable with it so over the last few months I have noticed they are getting used quite regularly but after a drunken conversation I said “do you ever masturbate now? “and she said no I haven’t for years.
I am totally happy with that if she is uncomfortable with talking about this. However, whilst having a sort out yesterday I found a bag of quite saucy underwear hidden on top of cupboard in another bedroom One or two items have never been worn but clearly a bodies type thing with matching thong had been worn washed and I noticed quite a few short trimmed grey hairs in the material of top and underwear (bear in mind we are both dark haired) I don’t want to seem like prime suspect doing forensics but in the last 7 to 8 months she has lost quite a lot of weight and also I have noticed grooming downstairs and keeping things tidy! I totally understand if she has been feeling sexy and masturbating dressed up as it might make her feel good and get her happy. But however the grey hairs that are into fabric have started to get me slightly paranoid. if it is the case, I don’t really mind as long as she is happy, but should I approach her and speak to her about it? If so, how do I go about it as I feel slightly lost?

“The majority won’t” and you speak on behalf of you and your friends

because you and your friends are the majority of women

I don’t know why you felt the need to quote me twice and also try and put me down both times by making the same point about my experience not being that of majority of women, but I can also do the same to you by saying that your experience of lingerie being a confidence booster also won’t represent most. Especially if in the OP the lingerie was clearly hidden so it’s not a known preference of his wife. Anyway, you obviously love a fight with a single poster on a thread, so I’ll leave it at that.

Quite a few hairs?! I have never noticed any hairs in any of my lingerie no matter what I’ve been doing. And especially not after being washed!

There was 7 years you were together, before you started trying for children, did the conversation never come up in that time?
Do you cuddle up on the sofa or go out on dates?

I never said most though. I just corrected you by saying we don’t all dislike it, as you were generalising. His wife doesn’t have to tell OP everything, also OP says they haven’t been intimate in a long time so presumably wife hasn’t told him about her underwear preferences

I didn’t try and put you down, you’re just making that up to play for sympathy. 🤣

Maybe clutching at straws here, but do the 'hairs' brush off? Are you sure it's not a stretchy fabric that has gotten worn/stretched and the elastic fibres have broken and are poking out? They could look like a whiteish hair/ fibre on the fabric, but they'd very much still be attached to the fabric. That would explain them appearing to be stuck to a certain area of the garment.

I would message her saying you found her surprise onto of the cupboard in the bedroom and can’t wait to see her when she comes home! Or suggest a night away from the kids.
If her response is defensive then it’s not a good sign.

It does seem suspicious, but hopefully innocent

No. Just this doesn’t add up. If I honestly, I wouldn’t but this is the reason I posted this post

@Adam1977 i was going to say the same thing. As soon as you said grey hairs i thought, it could just be the fabric. I've noticed it on quite a few of my sets of a particular fabric that once they've been washed a couple of times, the fibres break and stick out and it does look like grey hair. Also when I wear it it looks very much like ungroomed hair poking through it.
I would honestly think this is more likely the case here than actual hair from another partner getting stuck in it in such high quantities that it doesn't just come off in the wash

no, 100% “course grey hair that looks like trimmed beard or pubes as they are straightish for the length of them

Could they be hers?! I just don’t think they would have come off a bloke in such volume if she was wearing (and presumably washed) it!!

Definitely not hers. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like a moulting dog has been wearing it. But when I looked over it (as horrible and course is this may sound I was looking for some sort of come stains) but you can see they have got into the lace of material. and at the back of where the bodice/ corset hooks together there is a soft fabric and there are a few on there and the round the sides and front, not lots but probably 15 to 20 all of match ing appearance .

Yes, very loving intimate relationship

I don't think you are clutching, because that is what I thought. I have some lingerie that it has happened to.

OP I know you are full of questions and you have to wait for her to get back but you will just need to talk to her.

I was literally just about to say this. I’ve had things where if it’s a stretchy fabric, if you pull it taught the little fibres poke out and are often grey or silvery.

Was gonna say the same. I have old (cheap) lingerie that looks like that after being washed too many times

Same

When she comes home, I would tell her you found the bag of lingerie and you felt insecure for a little while.

A longshore here but could the hairs be from a woolly jumper? Like angora for example?

No, in a plastic bag, stuffed at back of wardrobe 8ft high. With another negli(thing) I can’t spell that looks like never worn. Also in bag 4 Lacey straps to attach to stockings that are all slightly different lengths, so not sure if they came from manufacturers like that or if they have been used and adjusted.

I’ll admit that I’m a bit perplexed as to how some others guy’s short hairs would get into underwear and remain there after having been washed, so would ask whether you’re absolutely sure that’s what they are and not just carpet fibres or something else innocent.

However, the fact that she has discretely bought these items and has coincidentally started grooming and looking after her physical self, all while you don’t seem to have a sexual relationship with each other, are red flags.

I’m not saying that this definitely means she’s cheating, but you’re certainly not being paranoid or overly suspicious.

Trying to be as positive as possible here and take an impartial point of view on what I have seen. I totally understand having the underwear as it may have been used for a surprise night for us or something kept there if the mood was right. It’s just something niggling me that looks worn and washed and foreign bodies in it if it’s not mine or hers. not really sure how to go forward as I don’t want to seem like a forensic detective on some half arsed case if I ask her about what I’ve seen and she says there’s nothing in it?

You put in your OP that you’ve had sex about 15 times in the last 3 years, so less than once every couple of months. Do you really think she’d have gone out and bought what sounds like a few pieces of sexy underwear to wear as a surprise on the off chance that the mood is right given that sex of any sort is so infrequent?

100% sure ain’t carpet fibre. Grey hairs (thickish3-8mm and a few thinner 6-9mm) odd fibre here and there that is random and 0.05 thick and looks fibrous. What I see are hairs 100% hence my question and asking for opinions. I can totally understand why you may think I’ve got it wrong but they are hairs .