Disappointed in DD

[princesspadam]

She is home for the weekend with her boyf to attend an event.
yesterday we were going out with DPs parents and whilst DP wasn’t here she was moaning about going and said that DPs stepfather was ‘feeble minded’ and had no confidence in his own opinions.

i thought this was such a mean thing to say, i don’t think ive ever described anyone as ‘feeble minded’

they ended up not coming thankfully but i just feel so disappointed in her

It sounds like a nasty thing to say about someone but we don't know him so don't know if her opinion was valid. Either way, I wouldn't overthink it - we've all come out with a negative comment about someone surely? I don't expect my adult children to be perfect or not say something I disagree with occasionally, we're all entitled to an opinion and if you think what she said is wrong, you should have said so at the time.

This!

She’s late 20s

You could be disappointed if she told the man this, or was otherwise rude to him (or even said any of this to your DP) but if you can’t be unfiltered with your mum…! It seems her mistake is assuming you two have a closer relationship than you actually do.

I guess as an adult she's entitled to her opinion. You know your daughter and if this in indicative of an unkind and mean personality or is it a one off, clumsy and stupid thing to say.

Yes and not come onto Mumsnet to slag off your own daughter and encourage others to insult her while claiming to have the #bekind moral high ground! Amazing.

Her own mother didn't challenge them so no idea why she'd expect her daughters boyfriend to do so.

Maybe he agrees.

Family or not, she's a grown woman and can decide who she does and doesn't want to be around.

I'd have asked her if she really meant feeble minded, as that's quite a strong thing to say about someone and unkind.

It could be of course that he is genuinely unpleasant and feeble minded.

I was brought up in the kind of household where it was not acceptable to criticise adults, no matter what. I'm nearly 50 and my parents still struggle with that, but actually the result was that as a child I didn't dare to speak up when I was abused by someone older than me.

when I’m chatting with my mum nothings off the table, she’s the one person I can be completely myself with without fear of judgment. She probably wouldn’t have said it to anyone else.

Well @princesspadam i can see why you are disappointed.

Your dd can have whatever opinion she wants. And you can agree or disagree with it.

But ‘feeble minded’ is an insult and ableist one at that. It’s extremely demeaning towards the person.
So yes I’d have a major issue with that too.

There are many ways to explain how unpleasant someone is wo resorting to insult agd ableist slurs.

As you said it’s a really strong word…

She could have been thinking that he was a thick as shit wet wipe and feeble minded was the nicer way of putting it.

We don’t all have to think every one else is wonderful. It is ok to have a negative opinion of someone. It should also be ok to share irrelevant opinions with your own Mum without them taking to the internet to complain about you.

Well if she thought it was a ‘nicer way’ then she needs to brush up both on her English and on her ‘how to not be rude’ lexicon. And I say that as as someone for who English is a second language.

No one would think it’s ok to use a racist language to describe someone as stupid. I’m not sure why it seems that many people think it’s ok to use ableist language. There’s no difference in intend between the two of them.

Yes. What, OP? I get that you think it was an unpleasant comment, but your daughter is, after all, entitled to hold a negative opinion of someone — she didn’t say it to his face or in front of his son. Perhaps she thought you would share her opinion? Either way, it’s weird that you think her boyfriend should be rebuking her for saying someone has no confidence in his opinions.

My mother is like this, and it’s between depressing and alarming. Anything a man says authoritatively on the radio is held to be correct, and as she listens every morning to the nasty local shockjock, she appears to genuinely believe nonsense about local taxis being taken over by a cartel of Nigerians and asylum seekers creating a crime wave. Any family occasions is spent partly with people accessing alternative sources of information, though she’ll only listen to her son or sons-in-law.

Tell her we can all make outside judgements…certainly there’s many on here that think a grown woman in her late twenties, having the manners of a gauche teenager is somewhat suprising given her age.

Sorry, what is the problem exactly??

It’s not ableist ffs. The term is not a medical one any more (it’s been used as a general insult since the early 19th century) so it’s no more ableist than saying idiot or moron. She’s allowed not to like this random bloke!

Didn’t call her a dick, I said she was being a dick. Two very different concepts.

Much like how a good child can misbehave, that means they’re being bad, but not that they are bad.

Also this is a fully anonymous post with no opportunity for said daughter to see this, but talking about someone you know behind their back can get back to them and offend them.

But the people replying to me know this, they just choose not to apply logic when it suits them.

Didn’t insult her, I said she was being a dick, not that she was a dick. Two very different concepts.

Much like how a good child can misbehave, that means they’re being bad, but not that they are bad.

Also this is a fully anonymous post with no opportunity for said daughter to see this, but talking about someone you know behind their back can get back to them and offend them.

But the people replying to me know this, they just choose not to apply logic when it suits them.

💯 agree with this

Again…

Didn’t call her a dick, I said she was being a dick. Two very different concepts.

Much like how a good child can misbehave, that means they’re being bad, but not that they are bad.

Also this is a fully anonymous post with no opportunity for said daughter to see this, but talking about someone you know behind their back can get back to them and offend them.

But the people replying to me know this, they just choose not to apply logic when it suits them.

To be honest, it’s your reaction I’d be more concerned about.

She didn’t say it to him. She didn’t say it to your DP (not her father, I assume?).

But you seem to think that she isn’t allowed to express her opinion of a man she’s not related to to her own mother, and also that her boyfriend should stop her?

So, it’s bad for this woman to express a negative opinion about a man to her own mother, in strict privacy, but absolutely fine for you to insult her on a huge global platform where she might well recognise herself from the highly identifying details given by her ‘loving’ mother?

Oh and saying someone is being a dick is absolutely an insult!