Physical attraction and/or personality attraction

[Goldlava]

I know I'm probably being silly about this but just looking for reassurance I suppose!

I separated from my exDH 2 years ago, we had been married for 20 years. I'm now in my late 40s. I met a guy I really liked around 18 months ago (I'll call him T) - there was a mutual attraction and I really liked him, but felt it was too soon to get into anything. I knew I needed time to heal, get my head together, and sort stuff out after my separation. So I said to him that I just wanted to be friends for the time being.

We stayed in contact as friends, I still had feelings for him, but needed the time and space to myself. Over the last 18 months T met someone else and had a relationship with her that lasted a few months. They broke up a few months ago.

He and I have been in more contact since. I felt ready to meet someone so we have been out on a few dates. I feel like I'm falling for him. I've known him for a while now and I know he is a lovely person as well as I am very attracted to him.

The problem is I feel so insecure about the woman he had a relationship with. I know who she is and she's around 15 years younger than me, beautiful with a great body. I've had dc, I am not confident at all about my body any more, and my face is starting to sag.

I've asked T about his relationship with the other woman and I found out more than I wanted to. He said that they had insane chemistry, he was blown away by her and that he was very physically attracted to her (he didn't say it directly like that, but in a roundabout way). He said that he had thought he was in love with her but looking back he realises it was lust, and they weren't actually compatible long term.

He could tell that I looked upset and then went on to say that he realises now he wants something deeper. He said that he loves my character, my values and who I am as a person and that makes me even more attractive. He's said that he wants a committed relationship with me, something long term. He said he finds me attractive, but he didn't say that he really desires me in the way that he desired her.

I just feel terrible about this. I know obviously that a relationship can't just be based on looks alone, but knowing that I am so obviously second best in that way doesn't feel good. Its probably also triggering to me as the last few years of my marriage, my exDH didn't want to have sex with me and said that he didn't find me attractive any more.

I go to the gym, and am not overweight, but obviously I don't look the same as I did 20 years ago. I'm just feeling insecure about it all - any views would be appreciated!

He’s known you for 2 years, he still wants to pursue a relationship with you; he was physically attracted to her and it lasted 3 months. What does that tell you?

He's right OP (although he could have been a bit more tactful about it). A proper relationship can't be built on physical attraction alone - you need to be compatible in other ways too, which is why their fling fizzled out after a few months. Yours could be the real deal if you can get past these feelings of being second best.

Echo the others…he has waited a long time to be with you…just go for it and stop getting hung up. Enjoy x

Thanks all. I know objectively that whoever you are with they are going to find other women physically attractive. It's just I guess that she was so recent and apparently they had amazing chemistry. I need to get past these feelings of insecurity and focus on the fact that he sees something deeper with him and I.

I think he overshared about the chemistry, you didn’t need to know how intense it was for him, he’s right he needs to be more than just sexual attraction. You were never second best as you were the one to suggest just being friends in the first place, he wasn’t your priority and not the right timing. However if he’s going to be your partner it’s still important you are made to feel special though, if his desire feels off perhaps there isn’t a good enough balance, perhaps both of you still see this as more friendship because of how it started, not to say both attraction and connection can grow stronger but you have to let it go about his fling.

@smallsilvercloud I get the feeling that he is trying to make me feel special through saying to me that he sees something deeper with me. I don't see him as a friendship, I definitely feel a lot of sexual attraction and chemistry with him. I think he is attracted to me but its just I get the feeling that it's not as intense as it was with his ex, although I haven't directly asked him.

But yes if I want to give things a chance with him, I'm going to have to let it go. There's always going to be something when you're dating at this age!

I think you'll have to give it time and try and focus on the future if you want it to work. Your circumstances were not right to pursue a relationship at the time and he met someone else. It hasn't helped by him being quite so open about hs sexual connection with this other woman as it was fairly recently. Naturally it will play in to your insecurities, I guess giving it time will help decide whether you can get beyond this.
I don't think it's ever a good idea to discuss intimate details about previous relationships.
A girlfriend once made a direct comparison between me and her ex, from that moment on I felt the physical side of our relationship was never the same. It put the pressure on and turned everything into a performance. Good luck with it focus on your tomorrow's not your yesterday's!

@Marineboy67 thanks. Yes, I think if the relationship with the other woman had been a while ago, it wouldn't bother me as much. It's just that it was so recent, and also after he and I had met, so I am obviously feeling the comparison. To be fair to him, he didn't volunteer the information, I asked him for the details as I wanted to know, but now I feel worse. Like you say, it's probably best not to discuss intimate details about previous relationships!

It's like I want to be the one that he likes the most physically, and has the most sexual chemistry with, as well as liking my character and values the most, but I guess that may be unrealistic.

Before I was with my exDH I had a fling with someone where there was intense sexual chemistry and it didn't work out, so I do understand how it can happen. One of my friends has even said that if she feels that intoxicating sexual energy with someone she doesn't want to get involved as she feels it's imbalanced and likely to be a trauma bond.

He wanted to go out with you
you refused
he tried someone very different
he realised it was you he liked
i think you need to get a grip!

He overshared, for sure.

Even though men are more visual sexually, their sexual attraction can be swayed by things like character as well. You might be hot to him in a different, way, although, I appreciate that this might not be a comforting thought when you want to be desired in the same way as her.

Ooh yes I understand this and I’m forever getting unhealthily obsessed with my new partner’s exes. They seem to have had more in common with him (work in same industry, collaborated in projects together etc) and I keep comparing myself unfavourably against them as I can’t offer that :(
But it’s kind of crazy as he’s not with them and wants to be with me… and likewise with you. Have you been intimate yet? Your chemistry may also be incredible. Don’t sabotage this out of insecurity!

Name changed for this.

I have always believed there needs to be at least some form of physical attraction for a relationship to develop, even more so for men.

When I met my current partner for the first time, i was genuinely disappointed. She wasn't my usual type and i didn't find her physically attractive at all.

Now i have gotten to know her, she is the most amazing person ever, and i realise that beauty is more than physical attraction. And because she is so amazing, the physical attraction has grown even though she hasn't physically changed. i now find her sexy, and everything else in-between so i really wouldn't compare yourself to past partners or anyone else. My ex was very attractive but unfortunatly did not have the personality to match and i would take personality over looks now in a heartbeat,

@AnotherNaCha yes I totally get that about comparing yourself with your partner's exes and thinking about what they offered him that you can't. Maybe we all offer each other different things, we can't be a perfect person who ticks all the boxes, but if someone wants to be with us, I guess they like the sum total of all our different parts (I need to keep reminding myself of that 🤣).

No I haven't been intimate with him yet. I've been thinking that if I do, I'll be worried that he's comparing our chemistry with how it felt with his ex. I wish I'd never found out how he felt about her, but now I have, I've somehow got to try to put it out of my mind!

So what I'm hearing is that he accepts he needs to compromise on looks because other factors are more sensible and safe.
He did you a favour in that conversation and the reality is, men have a serious weakness for attractive women and I know MNers won't like what I'm saying, but the only barrier why he isn't with her is she dumped him.
I would rather be single than with a man tbh because I see how lustful they are to girls young enough to be their daughters and it never stops with men he could be 90 and still eyeing them up. ugh.. you won't heal if there is a man in your life still because they trigger and retrigger insecurities and pain everyday!

If I were you, and I've done the set up family and home thing at this stage of life I'd keep something casual or no men because they're all lusty! The loyal romantic lover who sees me as the most beautiful, just does not exist and I don't want to feel like a compromise or a consolation prize when what he really wants is the 22 year old bombshell.. and they never stop wanting the 22 year old bombshell so whats even the point with men when you have had your kids and no longer need them for money or sperm? Pets and fellow women make better partners and conversationalists, why even bother with men again!

@namechangedforthis08 thank you so much for posting this, it's really helped! Yes I have always thought that men especially would need a strong physical attraction for a relationship or love to develop.

That's so good to hear that although your girlfriend wasn't your usual type when you first met her, you now find her beautiful and sexy. That honestly makes me feel a bit better. I think if you've been with someone very attractive, but with not a very nice personality, maybe you start to reassess what's really important in a relationship, and what is actually attractive, not just looks.

@Samsonsfeet I think it was a mutual ending to the relationship but I don't know the details.

I do know what you mean though. The thought has crossed my mind that he sees me as the "safe" option and consolation prize, and I definitely don't want to feel like that.

I haven't dated for years as I was married for 20 years. Now I'm in my 40s obviously I don't look as fresh or attractive as 20/30 year olds, and now I'm back to dating again, I have felt that sense of insecurity that my looks/ body are not what they were. And it's sad to feel like that, as I know women in their 40s onwards have a lot more to offer than just their looks, but the fact is, as you say, men are drawn to younger, physically attractive women!

I don't know what the answer is, but maybe there are some men (like the PP above) who are interested in a woman for more than just how she looks.

It's important to remember that although ( some) men might be drawn to younger, more attractive women, this does not mean they will be drawn to said man, who is probably no Brad Pitt himself. Realistically, a younger attractive women is much more likely to be attracted to someone who is equally as physically attractive to her and not an overweight, bolding middle aged man...

Which is even more infuriating for their entitlement - not a comforting thought 'it's ok because she won't want him back' well thanks!

Huh?! I think you've completely misunderstood my post!

You made a big mistake in asking about her. And no doubt, you asked and asked and pushed and pushed until you got the answer you didn’t want to hear!

Come on, OP. Woman up. You KNOW there is nothing less attractive than an insecure, needy woman asking for constant reassurance that she’s number 1. Be confident in yourself. Men like nothing more than a self assured woman happy in her own skin.

THIS! This is why I find my current partner so attractive, she owns what she's got! ( and she's absolutely bloody amazing )

It's not a flex to be with someone because who they really wanted doesn't want them back.

If you enjoy each other's company and the attraction is there don't sabotage it by thinking about the previous girlfriend OP. Enjoy it.

I don’t think you should’ve asked to be honest. And he certainly shouldn’t have answered like that.

I don’t think I could ever happily be with a man that thought other women were more attractive than me. I want to believe I am his type, and when we are out there is no one he’d rather be with. Not “your personality is great, but she is hotter”

I don’t think I could ever happily be with a man that thought other women were more attractive than me.

Wow, you must be beautiful! Do you never see women you think more attractive than you? I do, often, and I'm pretty sure that any man with working eyes can see them too.