Physical attraction and/or personality attraction

[Goldlava]

I know I'm probably being silly about this but just looking for reassurance I suppose!

I separated from my exDH 2 years ago, we had been married for 20 years. I'm now in my late 40s. I met a guy I really liked around 18 months ago (I'll call him T) - there was a mutual attraction and I really liked him, but felt it was too soon to get into anything. I knew I needed time to heal, get my head together, and sort stuff out after my separation. So I said to him that I just wanted to be friends for the time being.

We stayed in contact as friends, I still had feelings for him, but needed the time and space to myself. Over the last 18 months T met someone else and had a relationship with her that lasted a few months. They broke up a few months ago.

He and I have been in more contact since. I felt ready to meet someone so we have been out on a few dates. I feel like I'm falling for him. I've known him for a while now and I know he is a lovely person as well as I am very attracted to him.

The problem is I feel so insecure about the woman he had a relationship with. I know who she is and she's around 15 years younger than me, beautiful with a great body. I've had dc, I am not confident at all about my body any more, and my face is starting to sag.

I've asked T about his relationship with the other woman and I found out more than I wanted to. He said that they had insane chemistry, he was blown away by her and that he was very physically attracted to her (he didn't say it directly like that, but in a roundabout way). He said that he had thought he was in love with her but looking back he realises it was lust, and they weren't actually compatible long term.

He could tell that I looked upset and then went on to say that he realises now he wants something deeper. He said that he loves my character, my values and who I am as a person and that makes me even more attractive. He's said that he wants a committed relationship with me, something long term. He said he finds me attractive, but he didn't say that he really desires me in the way that he desired her.

I just feel terrible about this. I know obviously that a relationship can't just be based on looks alone, but knowing that I am so obviously second best in that way doesn't feel good. Its probably also triggering to me as the last few years of my marriage, my exDH didn't want to have sex with me and said that he didn't find me attractive any more.

I go to the gym, and am not overweight, but obviously I don't look the same as I did 20 years ago. I'm just feeling insecure about it all - any views would be appreciated!

Ouch. Sounds like.there was some confusion over whether you were in friendship mode or dating mode during that particular conversation.

He's been a bit too frank. He then quickly realised and tried to pull it back, realising he said too much or too enthusiastically when he should have been neutral and tactful to both and said 'Sue was lovely but we were looking for different things really and it fizzled out'.

You have a part to play in this too asking too much. If you can accept this, and that the conversation shouldn't have happened in that level of detail (on both sides) that's a start.

Ok, i think don't write him off but take this slowly for a few dates and see how you feel. He realises he made a gaffe. a good man who likes you wouldn't want to pile on the flattery there and then, or compare her unfavourably. He should hopefully instead show his interest and the things he appreciates about you.

Depending what was said, .not sure I could get back from some types of remarks but you can at least try and see.if you can make more of a friendship on your terms.

He's come back for you, not her. You like him a lot, obviously.
Life is short and we have to take risks sometimes. What are you waiting for??

i completely agree with everything you have said

I agree.

I would definitely throw this one back. He has no emotional sensitivity apart from anything else. How could he not realise you’d be hurt by what he said? 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t think these feelings are ever really going to go away, do you? You’ll always wonder if he’s settling for your looks.

You shouldn’t be with someone who feels that maybe your looks arent the best that they’ve ever gotten with, but your personality is great. You should be with someone who feels that you are beautiful and your personality is great, and that person should reinforce you feeling that way about yourself.

Consider moving on.

“andtheworldrollson · Today 09:44

He wanted to go out with you
you refused
he tried someone very different
he realised it was you he liked
i think you need to get a grip!”

This with bells on.

Honestly, OP - I’m with the crowd who thinks you should just get out of your head and give this a whirl. What have you actually got to lose? Even if it’s just about getting back in the saddle - you’re not agreeing to marry him right now - you can just let this unfold and see how it goes.

For me, personality is a huge component of physical attraction. There are men I’ve fallen deeply for as a direct result of their particular combination of physical traits + personality traits. The personality has massively contributed to my physical attraction to the men in question.

And Goddess knows, that must be what’s appealed to the men who’ve fallen for me because I’m pretty ordinary to look at.

You shouldn’t have asked your questions but you can’t unask them. He’s made clear he prefers what you offer. And it sounds like, up till now, you’ve called the shots and timing has been absolutely on your terms. That’s fine but I feel like it’s time to drink the coffee or leave the kitchen. And I think you will regret not at least trying the coffee.

I agree with @SamsonsFeet

There was absolutely no need for that information about how "hot" she was to be passed back to you.

It just shows a lot of emotional immaturity, possibly negging ?

Obviously we all have different values and preferences for openness in talking about exs.

What's wrong with "we dated for a bit. Wanted different things. Oh, is she attractive? Yeh I guess so it was a long time ago. Let's talk about something else now".

The way he presented the information (assuming it wasn't you online stalking we all do it heehee and demanding he discuss the woman he was in a photo with) seems designed to make you insecure.

I don't think it's necessarily just a male thing, there's a lot of people who obsess over people who they perceive as "cool" or higher status (who they're tangentially connected with).

I've known a few women who aren't happy with the guys "at their level" who date them so constantly bang on about Dave the pilot who shagged them once or rich Sebastian from the office who isn't actually their friend.

It's just unpleasant to be in any social relationship with this type of person as they often aren't "present" . They give the vibe they're settling for you. We all settle! But don't tell the person you're with.

I'm (newly) intimate with someone.

The only thing we say about each others appearance is a variation of "hot!" "Wow!", "you look amazing!". "Love that on you". "That's very sexy/like that".

Etc etc. Of course it may not be strictly literally true but it's part of the interaction.

You build your own chemistry with each other.

Thanks for all the posts.

It's interesting as the posts seem to be divided into those who think he has been too insensitive, and that I should feel that I am the most beautiful desirable woman that he would want to be with, and then those who think, well it's normal that he finds other women attractive, but he clearly really likes me! And that is the exact conflict that I have been going through myself - I feel both of those views are true!

I know I was partly to blame by asking him very direct questions about the situation. I've always felt that I would prefer to know the truth about a situation, rather than living under some kind of false idea or pretence. But maybe it's not always a good idea to know about everything that goes on in someone's mind...!

I've not been on any dates apart from with him, and have not joined any dating sites, and from what I've heard, dating at this age can be dire. I do really like him, so I think I will try to get over my insecurities and see where this goes. I guess time will tell if I can get over it, and if I can eventually feel secure being with him or not.

Beautiful is different to attractive. I don’t doubt there are other women more beautiful than me. But I need to believe as a whole my partner believes I am the most attractive woman in the room. Not that other women are more attractive, but I’ll do, because those ones aren’t an option.

If your partner isn’t making you believe that they find you more attractive than anyone else, they are fucking up.

Best of luck! We are rooting for you 💜

Well ok but I do stand by letting him treat you well and show you he's keen. This isn't just about your insecurity or you asking the wrong questions. He was very indelicate and I think needs to put that right. By all means be open but I'd let him come to you.

No all men are like that....I got with my husband in our late 30's...I'd known him since I was 14, both out of marriages but I didn't have kids (but had lost 8st so had wobbly bits) and our sexual chemistry was and still is 11yrs later insane...but we've also always been the best of friends and every aspect of our relationship is the same and never once since having our kids at 38 and 43 has he made me feel undesired or that he'd find another woman whose younger more attractive.....I knew/know my husbands ex as we were all friends years ago and before we got together I knew all their intimate details but you have to let them go as it will just destroy a good thing

They have barely started dating yet. They have history but he has never been her partner.

I think this just needs time to develop OP. If you still feel insecure further down the line then knock it on the head but at least give it time to develop properly.

Prior to meeting my partner I had a fling with a guy I was so attracted to; he was honestly the most beautiful man I ever saw and the sex was off the scale. He kept me in a state of huge insecurity though, told me a load of bollocks and ultimately ghosted me and I was heartbroken.

My partner isn’t the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, but the love I feel for him is totally different to the stupid guy that ghosted me. He makes me feel safe, loved, valued and we are super compatible, because I love him he’s continued to grow more and more attractive to me. When I first met him I thought he had a kind face, rather than wanting to jump on him. The rest just grew.

I think it’s a bit like food…the first guy was candy floss. He looked great and tasted delicious but there was nothing there, no nutritional value whatsoever. When I tried to eat it, it melted away into nothing. There was no substance. He was junk food.

My boyfriend is like steak, or french cheese. Maybe it doesn’t give you that sugar high, but it’s delicious, looks good in a different way and ultimately fills you up. It’s what your body needs. It’s full of nutrients.

You get my point 😂 You can live on steak but not candy floss.

You sound like me tbh I ask as I think I want to know about my husband's past but then I regret it lol.
We've all got a past and he's right lust isn't everything that fades and if that's all you have it gets boring pretty quick

Men do seperate sex from love that's a fact. I think the main thing is do you trust him? . If yes then don't feel insecure about her unless there's more reason to be.

Amen to that!!

Aye, but it’s never going to develop if he’s waxing lyrical about the ex. Which is why I said he shouldn’t have said what he did.

Ultimately relationships are rarely 100% in all areas, clearly he had a 100% physical 10% emotional/values/intellectual connection with this other woman and it didn't work. I understand you're worried he may have, less of a physical attraction to you - honestly, it doesn't matter. He probably was more physically attracted to her, that's ok. IF thats an 80% in your relationship and everything else is also strong, thats better and makes you more compatible. I've been more physically attracted to past partners than my dh, but our marriage works, and I'm attracted to him, just maybe not as intensely he has a million other wonderful and desirable characteristics. You don't need to compete with her. He clearly likes you and cares for you, and comparing yourself and trying to be something you're not will not help. Be proud of you, you're a great catch in a million ways, you don't need to be the most objectively attractive woman he's ever seen, you're so much more than that.

She asked though. If she had never asked would he have been waxing lyrical about her?

Who knows, maybe he was trying to get OP to see he is attractive to other women because OP did actually turn him down a few year’s ago.

I still think OP should at least give it a go, maybe it’ll have legs and maybe it won’t but nothing ventured and all that.

I couldn’t be with someone who went for someone so much younger than himself (unless he is that age too) I would always feel insecure. And what does it say about him.
He’s an oversharer too.. there’ll be plenty more of that, giving you spikes of hurt from time to time

How many times have I read an ex say of the other woman, “and she’s not even that attractive”. It’s meant as a put down but it actually means their ex wanted more than just trophy looks.

Exactly. Deeds, not words: look at what he does, not what he says (or how clumsily he says it 😉).

I would say it doesn’t sound like you’re second best at all! He’s literally said he didn’t love this other woman. He had the relationship with her because you had been unavailable. It seems as though what he feels with you is true connection, which is totally incomparable with just finding someone attractive.

I would never describe myself as ‘beautiful’ but my DP tells me regularly he thinks I’m gorgeous and sexy. I know I’m not the most attractive woman on the planet, but he chooses me over anyone else. Same with him, he might not be everyone’s type but after 2 1/2 years I still fancy the pants off him! Big difference between being objectively ‘beautiful’ and being attracted to someone above all others.
OP I’d see how it goes. I’ve not had many people in my life when I’ve had strong attraction between us. I’m in my 40s and it’s maybe been 4 times! When I met my now ex husband, the attraction was never that strong. I liked his personality more than his looks. Now with my current DP we have an amazing combo of physical attraction and personality. I never expected to find this, especially after divorce in my 40s. So it can happen!
I would expect him to treat you as though he fancies you above all others though! His actions should show you in time.

I'd reframe it. He was sexually attracted to her that's it and it didn't work out.
With your it's sexual and it's emotionally that's going to feel so much better and do different you can't really compare.

Also you sound so I'm your head, I say this with love, you might need to address some of these not feeling good enough thing because your ex did a number on your confident and how you feel about yourself. Getting a bit of counselling might help you not self sabotage.
For me language is a behavioural not just what he says, what he does and if it all matches then you're good.

I'd also say, although some men are shallow most men really don't notice things that we are critical of or feel about ourselves. They are so insanely primal that a lot of the time the act of being naked for them is what drives them and they are much more turned on by that and genuinely don't see wobbly bits or imperfections (at least the good ones done) they just find us beautiful and sexy and desirable. I'm sorry your ex didn't and made you question yourself. But it think comparing yourself to a previous version is all you, he never met her and he wants the you now. Try and get out of your head (with help of you need it) and just be who you are now. He'll honestly respond to that and we're more experienced and know what WE like and that's so attractive to them as well.

Comparison is the death of joy. I know it's scary but some of the best things in life are x