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Original poster

Physical attraction and/or personality attraction

55 replies

Goldlava · 24/05/2025 08:06

I know I'm probably being silly about this but just looking for reassurance I suppose!

I separated from my exDH 2 years ago, we had been married for 20 years. I'm now in my late 40s. I met a guy I really liked around 18 months ago (I'll call him T) - there was a mutual attraction and I really liked him, but felt it was too soon to get into anything. I knew I needed time to heal, get my head together, and sort stuff out after my separation. So I said to him that I just wanted to be friends for the time being.

We stayed in contact as friends, I still had feelings for him, but needed the time and space to myself. Over the last 18 months T met someone else and had a relationship with her that lasted a few months. They broke up a few months ago.

He and I have been in more contact since. I felt ready to meet someone so we have been out on a few dates. I feel like I'm falling for him. I've known him for a while now and I know he is a lovely person as well as I am very attracted to him.

The problem is I feel so insecure about the woman he had a relationship with. I know who she is and she's around 15 years younger than me, beautiful with a great body. I've had dc, I am not confident at all about my body any more, and my face is starting to sag.

I've asked T about his relationship with the other woman and I found out more than I wanted to. He said that they had insane chemistry, he was blown away by her and that he was very physically attracted to her (he didn't say it directly like that, but in a roundabout way). He said that he had thought he was in love with her but looking back he realises it was lust, and they weren't actually compatible long term.

He could tell that I looked upset and then went on to say that he realises now he wants something deeper. He said that he loves my character, my values and who I am as a person and that makes me even more attractive. He's said that he wants a committed relationship with me, something long term. He said he finds me attractive, but he didn't say that he really desires me in the way that he desired her.

I just feel terrible about this. I know obviously that a relationship can't just be based on looks alone, but knowing that I am so obviously second best in that way doesn't feel good. Its probably also triggering to me as the last few years of my marriage, my exDH didn't want to have sex with me and said that he didn't find me attractive any more.

I go to the gym, and am not overweight, but obviously I don't look the same as I did 20 years ago. I'm just feeling insecure about it all - any views would be appreciated!

OP posts:
TinyFlamingo · 26/05/2025 06:56

LastPostISwear · 25/05/2025 02:03

Best of luck! We are rooting for you 💜

Show quote history

Also do you want someone whom lies when asked a direct question or someone honest even if the truth is a bit uncomfortable?

I'd take honesty every day, over dishonesty. You can grow together. You always know where you stand.

:)

Catlord · 26/05/2025 07:02

TinyFlamingo · 26/05/2025 06:49

I'd reframe it. He was sexually attracted to her that's it and it didn't work out.
With your it's sexual and it's emotionally that's going to feel so much better and do different you can't really compare.

Also you sound so I'm your head, I say this with love, you might need to address some of these not feeling good enough thing because your ex did a number on your confident and how you feel about yourself. Getting a bit of counselling might help you not self sabotage.
For me language is a behavioural not just what he says, what he does and if it all matches then you're good.

I'd also say, although some men are shallow most men really don't notice things that we are critical of or feel about ourselves. They are so insanely primal that a lot of the time the act of being naked for them is what drives them and they are much more turned on by that and genuinely don't see wobbly bits or imperfections (at least the good ones done) they just find us beautiful and sexy and desirable. I'm sorry your ex didn't and made you question yourself. But it think comparing yourself to a previous version is all you, he never met her and he wants the you now. Try and get out of your head (with help of you need it) and just be who you are now. He'll honestly respond to that and we're more experienced and know what WE like and that's so attractive to them as well.

Comparison is the death of joy. I know it's scary but some of the best things in life are x

I would disagree. Don't reframe it positively for him because'what are men like'. Let him show you he sees you as a catch and wants you for what you are. Not saying dig your heels in if you want to try but don't do the thinking and doing for him. I think setting a standard is important. Thinking before he speaks is a good precedent.

If you mean 'get help' as in therapy for his comments rather than the onus being on him making this right then I would respectfully suggest this is not the way to start a relationship, by rug sweeping and tolerating upsetting and tactless remarks in favour of you shouldering the responsibility.

Catlord · 26/05/2025 07:03

My all means meet him somewhere approaching halfway but he needs to make you comfortable.

Poonu · 26/05/2025 07:09

I would throw this one back OP

Mymanyellow · 26/05/2025 07:29

Perhaps he said it to ‘keep you on your toes’ after you wouldn’t go out with him when he first asked?

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