My failed and messy marriage - now I’m pregnant

[Colapinapple]

Hi all,
I feel like I need somewhere to process my thoughts and I came across this website. I’m too ashamed to talk to family so thought I’d post here.

A little bit of the history, I moved to France in 2018, immediately went on dating apps and met a nice enough guy. I never really fussed over relationships, but I enjoyed casual sex and for 18 months that’s exactly what we had. There was no strings, we’d go out for drinks or to a film then have sex and not talk much at all until our next plans.

At the start of Covid, 18 months after we first met the man renting his spare room moved out and I happened to be looking for somewhere to live. It was convenient so I moved into his spare room. Before long we were sleeping together every night, my room was still my room but I never slept there. In the day we enjoyed each other’s company but it was never really emotionally intense, we just coasted. Eventually after 2 months we decided to make my room an office. We made it official, told friends and family we were dating, said things like I love you etc. I’m not sure why we did this really, I don’t remember falling in love with him but I enjoyed his company and it seemed at the time to make sense.

We were happy for a couple of years, we both got on with our lives, we enjoyed spending time together when we did but I don’t really believe either of us were all that emotionally invested. I didn’t miss him if he want to see friends or family without me and I don’t think he did me either.

At the end of 2022 I turned 30, he was 32. We never argued, we were happy, so we spoke about marriage, it seemed logical if nothing else. I don’t think either of us have ever really been in love so we have no gauge for what love should look or feel like and what we had seemed good enough. In early 2023 we had a small, thrown together wedding. It wasn’t a grand event, I told myself this was because I didn’t care for weddings and it was just one of those things we do, in reality I think I just wasn’t the fussed on marrying him, it didn’t disgust me or upset me but it didn’t excite me either.

The first few months of marriage were good but by about July we both seemed to be bored. I ended up having an affair with someone I worked with and I had a feeling he as cheating too. We seemed to both just accept this though. I never asked why he was home late, he never asked where I’d been at 2pm on a Saturday. We stopped having sex frequently, which was the biggest tell tale as that had been the bedrock of our relationship but neither of us seemed to mind very much and we just continued with our lives. We would still go on date nights and shared a bed but we didn’t act much like a married couple. We never discussed the future, never spoke about having children or moving out of the city. I continued having affairs, so did he.

I don’t know why we didn’t break up, I guess I liked his company. I enjoyed his company, I liked having someone to talk politics with over breakfast, I liked having someone I could take to films or to a new restaurant, it didn’t bother me that the love was barely there.

In December 2023 he went to stay with a friend for 3 weeks in Spain. I didn’t really miss him while he was gone or question what he was doing, it felt like the world just kept turning. 2024 was much the same as 2023, affairs, morning politics that and occasionally having sex with each other. We were content though, neither of us ever spoke of leaving but really we never spoke of the future either.

In December 2024 he got life changing news, he was a dad. A girl he had a brief affair with whilst in Spain the previous winter, the baby, a girl was a few months old. I really ought to have felt shattered by this news but I didn’t. I immediately thought the marriage is over but that was because I didn’t want to play step mum, or move to a big house outside the city or talk about schools, not because I felt betrayed or hurt. He told me that he had no idea until this friend he’d stayed with the previous winter told him this girl, only 20 years old had a child and asked if it could be his. He then realised that she had tried to contact him several times in the spring but he’d blocked her, first her number, then her instagram then a second instagram account. He told me he thought she was just young and wanted his attention, he told me they used protection so it didn’t even cross his mind that she could be pregnant.

He was shocked and we both agreed that the marriage was over, we acknowledged that we had both been having affairs and in all honesty we laughed about the absurdity of the marriage to begin with. He went to Spain, got a DNA test and the child is his. The child is now 8 or 9 months old I believe but in all honesty I’ve taken no interest, I’ve never asked to see a picture of her, I don’t know anything about her or her mother other than first names and the city they live in.

I decided I wanted to return home to London. Nothing was really keeping me in Paris anymore, I missed my family and my friends and if I was going to start fresh it may as well be there. We agreed to live together until I got a job in London and had worked my notice etc. Since then he has slept in the spare room, we barely talk, not at breakfast not about anything. Once a week or fortnight he will ask if I have secured a job and when I plan to leave but I haven’t found anything yet and he just replies with no rush. He goes to Spain once a month or so to see his child, he hasn’t told his family she exists.

We still have sex, not often, maybe once a fortnight too, usually out of boredom rather than desire. Ive been on the pill since I was a teen. There is no romance in it, we have sex, we don’t cuddle, he goes back to his bed. I don’t mind, this works for me.

2 weeks ago I discovered I am pregnant, to say this is a shock would be an understatement. I’ve remained surprisingly calm though. At first I thought I’ll have an abortion, I won’t tell anyone, I’ll forget it happened. But I haven’t made any moves on that front yet, I’m probably about 8 weeks. I can’t really explain why I haven’t. The thought makes me sad. I haven’t slept with anyone else in the last 4 months, not because I haven’t wanted to but because I’ve been busy searching for jobs. So I know my husband/ex husband is the father.

I haven’t told him, like I said we don’t talk much so it hasn’t really felt right to tell him. However I’m 32, I don’t know if I want kids, but I do feel like if I don’t have them now, I never will. I’m not fussed on relationships, I don’t want to meet someone and fall in love, so this is probably my only chance. Part of me feels like I should keep the baby, get my own place and co-parent. He’s a good man (well no worse a man than I am woman). He clearly cares about his daughter and is making an effort to be in her life, I think he makes a good dad.
On the other hand I’m thinking, I wanted to end the marriage at first as I didn’t want to be a mum. So now I’m feeling like it’s all a contradiction. If I’m going to be a mum, I may as well stay with him, it wouldn’t be a love filled marriage but we are content and never argue. We would probably state outright that it’s an open marriage and just go about as we were, back to the date nights and politics that and sharing a bed. But if I didn’t want to be a step mum, that probably means I’m not that fussed on being a mum at all. I can get a clean break here, return home, never mind any of this mess and live a quiet peaceful life.

Im not sure why I wrote this or what I’m expecting to get from it, I think I just wanted to get my thoughts out and hear some feedback. Please be kind, I know our set up was and still is unconventional but we seem happier than many more traditional couples and it worked for us.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, and feel free to share thoughts.

A few things come to my mind:

• stop coasting - time to think about what you actually want and then take steps to get there. You’ve coasted all this way- you seem very very blasé about many big choices you’ve made along the way but you have made those choices.
• baby is your decision only. Decide what you want and go that way.
• your marriage can be whatever you want it to be - you need to be in agreement - but all marriages are different. You don’t seem to have much sentimental attachment to this person despite a long time in your life - and I’m not sure why you think you don’t really care for him when you’ve made many choices leading you back to or staying with this person then..
• you can tell someone irl this - if you decide to keep the baby, tell someone in your family about you being pregnant and open up better communication and support.
• I think if you stay with this man who both need counselling- I wonder what his version of events would be if he wrote a post and how he feels. The cheating is a huge issue on both sides. You don’t take much responsibility for your actions. - don’t be used by people in their lives when you’re not certain of what you want in your life.

Wishing you the very best of luck whatever you decide. I will say in your shoes I would come back to the UK even temporarily and seek some counselling to help you decide about baby. Give yourself some space from this man whilst you decide. Best of luck xxxx

Being a step mother is very different to having a child of your own. Even in successful happy blended families people seldom feel exactly the same about their stepchildren as they do their biological children. Reading posts on the step parent board on this site might be useful to you.

Could you move back to the UK and have baby by yourself? Sounds like he would visit you and child as much as he is now with his other one? Or would he want to come with you and carry on as you are now?

It's a difficult decision.

you don’t know why you’ve not taken steps to have a termination…… you do I think.

You ‘ll be fine going it alone, in France or the UK.

You can find counsellor and discuss exactly what you wrote, in fact you can send them that text ahead of your first meeting. You can easily find someone nline and English speaking. You should see your GP and find out how far you are gone with your pregnancy.

Only you can decide whether to have this baby and none of us should influence you on that. However, think carefully about whether you want to continue living in France. If you have the baby there then he may stop you returning to the UK with it to live later. I've no idea what it's like in France for getting any financial support as a single mother (should you need it?) Look into the practicalities of life if you decide to proceed with the pregnancy, and then make the best decision about where to be when you give birth.

I don't think motherhood is something you should just drift into. You sound like you've been a passenger in your life so far and people please rather than seeking out what you want.

You have no home, no job and a marriage with no love or emotional connection. Work out what you want.

Do you have friends and family who'll support you if you return to the UK and have a baby?

Your account reads very strangely, like a nihilistic 19th century short story.

But then again, sex isn’t always as emotionally meaningful as people claim it to be, which is why situations like affairs or ‘friends with benefits’ can exist. Sometimes they literally are just sex.

I think that when real love comes along then it will knock you for six. I am not sure what to advise about your pregnancy but something is telling me that you need to keep the door open for real love to enter your life.

You seem to think ‘love’ is all fireworks and flowers, a lot of woman would be happy to be content.

You need to make some decisions and stop coasting -

Do you want to stay married
Do you want a baby? Step parenting and mother hood are different -
Why do you feel you need to keep everything enclosed? Ring a friend, speak to your parents - you may feel better going home for some support.

Why not take a break and go see your relatives and discuss your situation?

You seem very clear eyed about the relationship itself. That's great. I think you need to put aside your expectations of that, dispassionate as they are because things could change, and concentrate on what you'd like to do about the pregnancy and your future with/ without continuing it.

I think you should seek counselling. You're in an unusual situation and have coasted through without really considering what you want.

If I'm honest, based his treatment of the other woman involved, he sounds rather more hard nosed than you. Your situation is unconventional-ish but equitative from your end.

I don't know the full circs but sleeping with a much younger person when married (even if openly), then blocking on multiple fronts when they're trying to communicate something substantive, doesn't seem quite as straight up.

Consider how you can protect your position and your feelings. That may mean having the baby as a single mother but with family support. It may mean seriously managing your expectations around him (rather than being pretty sure you'll be the main partner to him in your open relationship). It may mean asking very tough questions about whether you want to continue this pregnancy.

Either way, good luck. Your honesty and balance is quite refreshing. It's about you now.

Just because you don’t want anything to do with a child who was created from your DH’s affair (even if the term affair is used somewhat lightly in this case), it doesn’t have any bearing on you being a mum to your own baby. Not a chance I’d ever want to be a step mum personally and I made sure not to date anyone with children, I love my own child with all my heart. That’s not to say keeping this child is the right thing to do, only you can answer that. But don’t compare the two completely and utterly separate situations.
Whether staying together if you do decide to keep this baby or co-parenting separately will be best, again, only you can figure that one out, as as you say, your dynamic is quite different to what I’d ever want. But I do think just parting ways but staying friends for the child’s sake would probably work the best and be the least confusing for the child growing up. Whether that means parting ways and you being in London or Paris, again, I don’t know. But you could do either and obviously with the Eurostar it would be easy between the two places to still give him regular contact with the child, but if that was your decision you may have to move back before the child is born so he can’t decline the move (do check that as I don’t know for sure).

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. Take some time and really think things through. But it does sound as though you want this child and as though you’ll be able to make it work.

I think you should have a termination. Babies should be actively wanted because they are a lot of work for a very long time and it's extremely unfair to bring a child into this world that you feel lukewarm about. You and the child will be miserable.

If you have the baby in France and he was so minded then he can stop you taking it back to the UK.

Choosing not to make any decisions is another form of decision. But not a great way to decide the next 2 decades of your life.

All I would say to you is that from your post, you seem very aloof and unbothered about deep emotional connection with anyone. I would find it difficult to be with someone for so many years and not develop deep feelings for them but I appreciate we are all different. However, for me, this also means I deeply love my children, have deep emotional connection to them and they come first in my life above anything. Take time to think on whether you have the love to devote to this child - your life will never be the same again, someone else will always take priority over your needs and they need emotional availability from you. Also, don’t just think about parenting a cute baby. Think about them as a five year old, preteen, teenager, young adult and all the obstacles they’ll need your help with along the way. Parenting is a bloody tough gig and your life sounds very nonchalant and non committed. Even though you were married, you weren’t really bothered about the vows you’ve taken - to be a good parent, it’s a true commitment. You say you and your husband never argue - of course you don’t - you live separate lives and have time and privacy to please yourselves in whatever way you see fit. A child will change that. Please don’t take anything I’ve said in a nasty way, I just witness so many people dive into parenthood with their eyes closed to what the reality is like (myself included!) and the one to truly suffer will be the child with an emotionally unavailable parent who just had them ‘in case the opportunity didn’t come again’
Best of luck in whatever you decide x

You won’t be able to coexist alongside each other like flatmates if you have the baby. Babies are hard work and you’ll (rightly) need/expect day to day help and support, which will completely change the dynamic of how you are now anyway.

If you are going to keep this baby, unless you want to spend the next 20 years in France, at the behest of this man, return to the UK before the baby is born. If you have the baby in France, he will never let you move back to the UK. If you don’t want a baby, don’t have one. Babies upend everything.

This!!!

Yes I wasn't sure of the current law in France so won't comment from a position of certainty but this is a big consideration.

Babies test even the strongest of relationships. They are really hard work. If you're ambivalent about motherhood and about the child's father, then I would probably advise you not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

So far you seem to make decisions by not making them. You drift into situations rather than actively seeking them out. I think having a baby needs to be an active decision. You should have a child because you want to be a mother, rather than because you haven't got around to arranging a termination.

Do you know how your H feels about fatherhood? About the mother of his DD? About you? Is he planning to stay in France or is he going to move to Spain?

I agree with PP that talking to a counsellor would be really helpful for you. And you need to have an honest conversation with your H. If you cant/don't want to talk to him, then that is telling you a lot.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Think long and hard on this.
Is it something YOU want?
Even outside of a committed relationship, with a father who already juggles responsibilities to a child abroad? (And potentially you adding a third country into the mix as per pp)

Remember your life will not be your own again for a very long time, being the primary carer (and perhaps the only carer) to a small child.

I understand terminating seems daunting and you do not want to actively push that button, you don't want that responsibility.

If tomorrow you started bleeding, and thought you were having a miscarriage, how would you feel? Panicked? Relieved?

Best wishes whatever you decide.

I agree with others - you have coasted and now it’s time to get a grip. Make your own path in life and set a plan. Just because you’ve spent the last few years in a convenient but seemingly loveless (?) arrangement, it doesn’t need to set the tone for the rest of your life. Don’t just let life happen to you - use your agency and intelligence to make the best of it you can.

You do seem fairly lacklustre in your emotions and non-committal in general. Do you struggle to feel things strongly on the whole? Do you have emotionally strong and joyful friendships? How is your relationship with family? Without wishing to cause offence, it’s almost like your emotional range is dulled - I think this is something you need to address urgently. How was your own childhood? Being emotionally available, empathic, fun, unconditionally committed and loving are all qualities that motherhood will demand of you in spades. That baby would need to feel your love and commitment from very fibre of you to feel safely attached. It would be unfair otherwise. Are you capable of providing it?

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you need correlate your feelings about becoming a step mother to having your own baby - it’s an entirely different thing.

I agree with others that having a trusted friend or family member that you can chew this over with would be very helpful to you. We’re all imperfect and you don’t need to put on a show to everyone - sometimes some nonjudgmental advice from people who really know us can be truly profound.

I think being in one’s 30s can be a time of great crossroads - often for the better. Good luck, dig deep and wish you all the best. ✨

only you can decide if you want to keep the baby or not but what I will say is, if you still hope you’ll find your actual great life love this will be a MILLION times harder if you already have a child and you’ll probably have to accept that whoever you meet will already have kids too and trust me, that makes relationships wayyy harder.

I think you need a fresh start tbh. You’re really not old. You’ve got loads of time. Good luck.

This….

think carefully about whether you want to continue living in France. If you have the baby there then he may stop you returning to the UK with it to live later.

You need to decide if you want the baby or not. You're pregnant by accident, but keeping the baby is a decision.

You've checked out of your marriage, so you need to make the decision based on being a single parent. And as PPs have said, if you have the baby in France, you'll quite likely end up based there, as your husband will have rights, and will likely push for the baby to stay in France. He may well push for you to stay together, much easier for him to see his child with you, particularly as he'll have to travel to see his other baby.

Do you want to be tied to him, his other baby and the poor young Spanish girl he blocked for at least 18 years? Do you want your child to be in the middle of it?

I’m going to be very honest as from the tone of your post I think you will appreciate it. My instinct reading that is that you have been very content with him and now you are ‘losing’ him to this baby and something in you wants to use your pregnancy to keep the relationship going in some way. It seems a coincidence after 10 years of regularly sleeping together that you would now become pregnant just after he has become a father. The subconscious mind is a strange thing. I wish you all the luck with whatever you decide.