My failed and messy marriage - now I’m pregnant

[Colapinapple]

Hi all,
I feel like I need somewhere to process my thoughts and I came across this website. I’m too ashamed to talk to family so thought I’d post here.

A little bit of the history, I moved to France in 2018, immediately went on dating apps and met a nice enough guy. I never really fussed over relationships, but I enjoyed casual sex and for 18 months that’s exactly what we had. There was no strings, we’d go out for drinks or to a film then have sex and not talk much at all until our next plans.

At the start of Covid, 18 months after we first met the man renting his spare room moved out and I happened to be looking for somewhere to live. It was convenient so I moved into his spare room. Before long we were sleeping together every night, my room was still my room but I never slept there. In the day we enjoyed each other’s company but it was never really emotionally intense, we just coasted. Eventually after 2 months we decided to make my room an office. We made it official, told friends and family we were dating, said things like I love you etc. I’m not sure why we did this really, I don’t remember falling in love with him but I enjoyed his company and it seemed at the time to make sense.

We were happy for a couple of years, we both got on with our lives, we enjoyed spending time together when we did but I don’t really believe either of us were all that emotionally invested. I didn’t miss him if he want to see friends or family without me and I don’t think he did me either.

At the end of 2022 I turned 30, he was 32. We never argued, we were happy, so we spoke about marriage, it seemed logical if nothing else. I don’t think either of us have ever really been in love so we have no gauge for what love should look or feel like and what we had seemed good enough. In early 2023 we had a small, thrown together wedding. It wasn’t a grand event, I told myself this was because I didn’t care for weddings and it was just one of those things we do, in reality I think I just wasn’t the fussed on marrying him, it didn’t disgust me or upset me but it didn’t excite me either.

The first few months of marriage were good but by about July we both seemed to be bored. I ended up having an affair with someone I worked with and I had a feeling he as cheating too. We seemed to both just accept this though. I never asked why he was home late, he never asked where I’d been at 2pm on a Saturday. We stopped having sex frequently, which was the biggest tell tale as that had been the bedrock of our relationship but neither of us seemed to mind very much and we just continued with our lives. We would still go on date nights and shared a bed but we didn’t act much like a married couple. We never discussed the future, never spoke about having children or moving out of the city. I continued having affairs, so did he.

I don’t know why we didn’t break up, I guess I liked his company. I enjoyed his company, I liked having someone to talk politics with over breakfast, I liked having someone I could take to films or to a new restaurant, it didn’t bother me that the love was barely there.

In December 2023 he went to stay with a friend for 3 weeks in Spain. I didn’t really miss him while he was gone or question what he was doing, it felt like the world just kept turning. 2024 was much the same as 2023, affairs, morning politics that and occasionally having sex with each other. We were content though, neither of us ever spoke of leaving but really we never spoke of the future either.

In December 2024 he got life changing news, he was a dad. A girl he had a brief affair with whilst in Spain the previous winter, the baby, a girl was a few months old. I really ought to have felt shattered by this news but I didn’t. I immediately thought the marriage is over but that was because I didn’t want to play step mum, or move to a big house outside the city or talk about schools, not because I felt betrayed or hurt. He told me that he had no idea until this friend he’d stayed with the previous winter told him this girl, only 20 years old had a child and asked if it could be his. He then realised that she had tried to contact him several times in the spring but he’d blocked her, first her number, then her instagram then a second instagram account. He told me he thought she was just young and wanted his attention, he told me they used protection so it didn’t even cross his mind that she could be pregnant.

He was shocked and we both agreed that the marriage was over, we acknowledged that we had both been having affairs and in all honesty we laughed about the absurdity of the marriage to begin with. He went to Spain, got a DNA test and the child is his. The child is now 8 or 9 months old I believe but in all honesty I’ve taken no interest, I’ve never asked to see a picture of her, I don’t know anything about her or her mother other than first names and the city they live in.

I decided I wanted to return home to London. Nothing was really keeping me in Paris anymore, I missed my family and my friends and if I was going to start fresh it may as well be there. We agreed to live together until I got a job in London and had worked my notice etc. Since then he has slept in the spare room, we barely talk, not at breakfast not about anything. Once a week or fortnight he will ask if I have secured a job and when I plan to leave but I haven’t found anything yet and he just replies with no rush. He goes to Spain once a month or so to see his child, he hasn’t told his family she exists.

We still have sex, not often, maybe once a fortnight too, usually out of boredom rather than desire. Ive been on the pill since I was a teen. There is no romance in it, we have sex, we don’t cuddle, he goes back to his bed. I don’t mind, this works for me.

2 weeks ago I discovered I am pregnant, to say this is a shock would be an understatement. I’ve remained surprisingly calm though. At first I thought I’ll have an abortion, I won’t tell anyone, I’ll forget it happened. But I haven’t made any moves on that front yet, I’m probably about 8 weeks. I can’t really explain why I haven’t. The thought makes me sad. I haven’t slept with anyone else in the last 4 months, not because I haven’t wanted to but because I’ve been busy searching for jobs. So I know my husband/ex husband is the father.

I haven’t told him, like I said we don’t talk much so it hasn’t really felt right to tell him. However I’m 32, I don’t know if I want kids, but I do feel like if I don’t have them now, I never will. I’m not fussed on relationships, I don’t want to meet someone and fall in love, so this is probably my only chance. Part of me feels like I should keep the baby, get my own place and co-parent. He’s a good man (well no worse a man than I am woman). He clearly cares about his daughter and is making an effort to be in her life, I think he makes a good dad.
On the other hand I’m thinking, I wanted to end the marriage at first as I didn’t want to be a mum. So now I’m feeling like it’s all a contradiction. If I’m going to be a mum, I may as well stay with him, it wouldn’t be a love filled marriage but we are content and never argue. We would probably state outright that it’s an open marriage and just go about as we were, back to the date nights and politics that and sharing a bed. But if I didn’t want to be a step mum, that probably means I’m not that fussed on being a mum at all. I can get a clean break here, return home, never mind any of this mess and live a quiet peaceful life.

Im not sure why I wrote this or what I’m expecting to get from it, I think I just wanted to get my thoughts out and hear some feedback. Please be kind, I know our set up was and still is unconventional but we seem happier than many more traditional couples and it worked for us.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, and feel free to share thoughts.

I would say terminate the pregnancy. As this post says, parenting is hard. With everything else in life, you've just checked out and drifted along without really caring. That's your protection tactic after your damaging childhood - I can understand that - but it is really unfair to inflict that on another child. Your baby would have two pretty self-centred parents and that's not a good look out. They deserve at least one parent who would put themselves second and go the extra mile for their kid. Your husband's distance 'parenting' of his Spanish child is nowhere near that level of involvement.

Are you ready for some self-reflection and thinking about what you really want? 32 is not too old for that. Move back to the UK, get a job, get a therapist and examine where all this has taken you. It won't be easy but it could create a life you've actually chosen.

I don’t want this to sound cold but babies and children do deserve a parent that are emotionally available. Obviously we only get a snippet of your life so we don’t know what you are like as a person

Not doubting you wouldn’t be a good parent but would you have the emotional availability for a baby/ child as they grow through the years?

OP, I feel so sad after reading your post about your childhood.
Your parents did a number on you.
Your pattern of behaviour is a direct result of that.
Multiple separations without explanation are highly traumatic for a child, you stopped yourself feeling to protect yourself, you got disconnected from your emotions.

That is NOT to say that you may still not be a good parent. Many many people have had worse experiences, and managed to work on themselves and be emotionally mature parents.

But you really want to come to motherhood (especially single motherhood) with your eyes wide open about how hard, exhausting, frustrating, limiting it will be - for years.

It is not some kind of magic test of you as a person.

Praticalities (where will you live? How will you support yourself and baby? Which childcare options do you have?) MUST be at the forefront of your mind now, and come far before thinking that the baby may or may not be a gateway to your inner world.

I don’t think this is true - assuming you are British, you could apply for a British passport for the baby (in this case baby would be eligible for French nationality aswell) therefore I don’t think he would be able to ‘stop’ you leaving with your child who would also be British…!!! If you do have the baby op, I’d advise you to do all the paperwork and get a British passport asap so you have lots of options. Xx

I think that you ought to have a termination. Bringing up a child alone is hard unless you are very wealthy, which it doesn't sound as if you are. I applaud you for being clear sighted about the marriage, but if you had the baby, you would either be tied to your STBX or constantly resenting him for not stepping up/providing. End the pregnancy, end the marriage, move back to London and start fresh.

Oh @Colapinapple of course you’re capable of loving and being loved. What you’ve described of of your childhood it was traumatic, and it sounds like you have a lot to unpack for yourself, and not a lot of time to do it if you’re already 8 weeks and need to make a decision soon.

I think therapy could really help you connect with your emotions. If you can’t afford therapy, you could try this ChatGPT prompt:

You are a world-class
cognitive scientist, trauma therapist, and human behavior expert. Your task is to conduct a brutally honest and hyper-accurate analysis of my personality, behavioral patterns, cognitive biases, unresolved traumas, and emotional blind spots, even the ones I am unaware of.

(You can just type it into the free ChatGPT and begin a ‘discussion’!).

It’s hard to advise you, because until you’re clearer about what you want from life it’s hard to see where a baby could fit in. But. You are pregnant, so perhaps build from there - if you were to keep the baby what would your ideal life be like? With your DH? Alone and in Paris or at home and single with your family and baby? And the same without your baby. Where would you want to see yourself in 5 years time?

Do you think there’s any chance of reconciling with your DH and co-parenting? It sounds like you could have the foundations of a good partnership if you could be honest with each other. But if you really connected with your feelings - is he someone you’d want to be with or were you with him precisely because he didn’t demand anything of you and you were able to protect yourself from feeling anything too strong for him?
I wish you luck with whatever you decide Op, but do make that an active not a passive decision for your own sake.

This is harsh and yes parenting is hard and solo parenting is harder- but many manage it and find joy in their children despite doing it alone. I think this is terrible advice and very generalised