My failed and messy marriage - now I’m pregnant

[Colapinapple]

Hi all,
I feel like I need somewhere to process my thoughts and I came across this website. I’m too ashamed to talk to family so thought I’d post here.

A little bit of the history, I moved to France in 2018, immediately went on dating apps and met a nice enough guy. I never really fussed over relationships, but I enjoyed casual sex and for 18 months that’s exactly what we had. There was no strings, we’d go out for drinks or to a film then have sex and not talk much at all until our next plans.

At the start of Covid, 18 months after we first met the man renting his spare room moved out and I happened to be looking for somewhere to live. It was convenient so I moved into his spare room. Before long we were sleeping together every night, my room was still my room but I never slept there. In the day we enjoyed each other’s company but it was never really emotionally intense, we just coasted. Eventually after 2 months we decided to make my room an office. We made it official, told friends and family we were dating, said things like I love you etc. I’m not sure why we did this really, I don’t remember falling in love with him but I enjoyed his company and it seemed at the time to make sense.

We were happy for a couple of years, we both got on with our lives, we enjoyed spending time together when we did but I don’t really believe either of us were all that emotionally invested. I didn’t miss him if he want to see friends or family without me and I don’t think he did me either.

At the end of 2022 I turned 30, he was 32. We never argued, we were happy, so we spoke about marriage, it seemed logical if nothing else. I don’t think either of us have ever really been in love so we have no gauge for what love should look or feel like and what we had seemed good enough. In early 2023 we had a small, thrown together wedding. It wasn’t a grand event, I told myself this was because I didn’t care for weddings and it was just one of those things we do, in reality I think I just wasn’t the fussed on marrying him, it didn’t disgust me or upset me but it didn’t excite me either.

The first few months of marriage were good but by about July we both seemed to be bored. I ended up having an affair with someone I worked with and I had a feeling he as cheating too. We seemed to both just accept this though. I never asked why he was home late, he never asked where I’d been at 2pm on a Saturday. We stopped having sex frequently, which was the biggest tell tale as that had been the bedrock of our relationship but neither of us seemed to mind very much and we just continued with our lives. We would still go on date nights and shared a bed but we didn’t act much like a married couple. We never discussed the future, never spoke about having children or moving out of the city. I continued having affairs, so did he.

I don’t know why we didn’t break up, I guess I liked his company. I enjoyed his company, I liked having someone to talk politics with over breakfast, I liked having someone I could take to films or to a new restaurant, it didn’t bother me that the love was barely there.

In December 2023 he went to stay with a friend for 3 weeks in Spain. I didn’t really miss him while he was gone or question what he was doing, it felt like the world just kept turning. 2024 was much the same as 2023, affairs, morning politics that and occasionally having sex with each other. We were content though, neither of us ever spoke of leaving but really we never spoke of the future either.

In December 2024 he got life changing news, he was a dad. A girl he had a brief affair with whilst in Spain the previous winter, the baby, a girl was a few months old. I really ought to have felt shattered by this news but I didn’t. I immediately thought the marriage is over but that was because I didn’t want to play step mum, or move to a big house outside the city or talk about schools, not because I felt betrayed or hurt. He told me that he had no idea until this friend he’d stayed with the previous winter told him this girl, only 20 years old had a child and asked if it could be his. He then realised that she had tried to contact him several times in the spring but he’d blocked her, first her number, then her instagram then a second instagram account. He told me he thought she was just young and wanted his attention, he told me they used protection so it didn’t even cross his mind that she could be pregnant.

He was shocked and we both agreed that the marriage was over, we acknowledged that we had both been having affairs and in all honesty we laughed about the absurdity of the marriage to begin with. He went to Spain, got a DNA test and the child is his. The child is now 8 or 9 months old I believe but in all honesty I’ve taken no interest, I’ve never asked to see a picture of her, I don’t know anything about her or her mother other than first names and the city they live in.

I decided I wanted to return home to London. Nothing was really keeping me in Paris anymore, I missed my family and my friends and if I was going to start fresh it may as well be there. We agreed to live together until I got a job in London and had worked my notice etc. Since then he has slept in the spare room, we barely talk, not at breakfast not about anything. Once a week or fortnight he will ask if I have secured a job and when I plan to leave but I haven’t found anything yet and he just replies with no rush. He goes to Spain once a month or so to see his child, he hasn’t told his family she exists.

We still have sex, not often, maybe once a fortnight too, usually out of boredom rather than desire. Ive been on the pill since I was a teen. There is no romance in it, we have sex, we don’t cuddle, he goes back to his bed. I don’t mind, this works for me.

2 weeks ago I discovered I am pregnant, to say this is a shock would be an understatement. I’ve remained surprisingly calm though. At first I thought I’ll have an abortion, I won’t tell anyone, I’ll forget it happened. But I haven’t made any moves on that front yet, I’m probably about 8 weeks. I can’t really explain why I haven’t. The thought makes me sad. I haven’t slept with anyone else in the last 4 months, not because I haven’t wanted to but because I’ve been busy searching for jobs. So I know my husband/ex husband is the father.

I haven’t told him, like I said we don’t talk much so it hasn’t really felt right to tell him. However I’m 32, I don’t know if I want kids, but I do feel like if I don’t have them now, I never will. I’m not fussed on relationships, I don’t want to meet someone and fall in love, so this is probably my only chance. Part of me feels like I should keep the baby, get my own place and co-parent. He’s a good man (well no worse a man than I am woman). He clearly cares about his daughter and is making an effort to be in her life, I think he makes a good dad.
On the other hand I’m thinking, I wanted to end the marriage at first as I didn’t want to be a mum. So now I’m feeling like it’s all a contradiction. If I’m going to be a mum, I may as well stay with him, it wouldn’t be a love filled marriage but we are content and never argue. We would probably state outright that it’s an open marriage and just go about as we were, back to the date nights and politics that and sharing a bed. But if I didn’t want to be a step mum, that probably means I’m not that fussed on being a mum at all. I can get a clean break here, return home, never mind any of this mess and live a quiet peaceful life.

Im not sure why I wrote this or what I’m expecting to get from it, I think I just wanted to get my thoughts out and hear some feedback. Please be kind, I know our set up was and still is unconventional but we seem happier than many more traditional couples and it worked for us.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, and feel free to share thoughts.

There is something strange about the way you approach life. I think you are avoiding something.

I fully agree with this. A baby should be actively wanted by both of its parents and not a “oh well, it’s happened” kind of thing. Going alone is do-able, but it doesn’t sound like you have a good support network around you to help.

I don’t think an open marriage would create a happy environment to bring up a child, or you, it’s not a good situation to stay in plus there’s already another child in the mix. It’s just a matter of time before he’s starts creating more children and leaving you for another woman once he’s fallen in love etc. Choosing to be a single mum will be incredibly hard work and expensive unless you can live close to family to give you support.

i agree this is strange, a bit like Camus where you can’t feel anything. Did you feel anything for the guys you had affairs with? A failed mess doesn’t feel like the right origin for a baby on top of your emotional detachment. If you keep it you’ll need to change and engage somehow in life more.

Thank you everyone.

I think someone said I seem emotionally stunted or something to that effect and I agree with who said that.

Sometimes I feel like my emotional range is limited, like if everyone in the work feels emotions from 0-10 I can only access 4-6 or 3-7. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember, I remember the last day of primary school and many of the girls were crying others were excited and I just felt nothing? Not fear or excitement or sadness. I often find it hard to believe love in the way movies or songs portray it actually exists. I love or loved my husband in the sense of, I enjoyed his presence, and I looked forward to spending time with him but not never have I missed him, when he was away my thoughts would be either void of him entirely or “I’d look to do xxx when he returns”.

I think he has a wider emotional range than I do, I think he loves his family more than I do mine, not to say I don’t love them but I don’t think of them often and it never makes me sad if I do. I think he loves his daughter, I can tell by the way he speaks of her when he returns or gets off a FaceTime call.

I don’t know if I’d make a good mum, part of me thinks I’d figure it out and maybe a child is the only person I’d ever be able to really love, another part of me thinks I must be wired wrong and incapable of that.

Im not sure why I’m this way, my childhood was turbulent but not neglectful, my parents hated each other and we moved from place to place often but they loved me and I never doubted that. Maybe it was all the moving, maybe at a young age I taught myself not to get attached as nothing seemed to stick around very often, new schools every year or 2, new homes more often than that (mum was restless, we’d move into a rental and then she’d find something she hated within a few months and move again). Both my parents had a habit of just disappearing for weeks at a time, there was never a goodbye or a promise of return or a timeline. I never knew if it was a weekend trip or 4 months.

Perhaps I’m just not really able to love the way a mother or wife should be able to and I should return to my happy even if unremarkable life?

Can you be a step mum to his child if you keep yours and stay together? That’s something to think about.

Not particularly, not love for certain. I liked them; I enjoyed their company but like I said I never really miss anyone if they aren’t around.

I miss my family but I think it’s the distance that makes me feel that way; I think if I moved back to London I’d enjoy seeing them but also be equally happy not to see them if they were busy. I really wish I knew why I was like this, but I’ve always felt happy and at peace and sort of glad that I never felt the emotions others in my life do. I remember having a friend at university who had a relationship that lasted maybe 4 weeks and I can still hear the sound of her sobbing when he decided he was no longer interested; I’ve never envied that level of feeling - it seems stressful!

You've drifted along for years letting things happen.

You say you don't know why you haven't booked a termination. I surmise it's because, like with everything else, you're just waiting for something to happen one way or another, rather than making a decision and acting on it.

However, this is a potential baby, a potential child of your marriage. A marriage that's over. But you think if you have a baby you might just drift along in it some more.

That is so unfair on a child who will be relying on you for structure, guidance, and a dependable home environment.

You seem to have flowed downstream through life taking the path of least resistance which is fine for you if that works for you I suppose. (I wonder what sort if old age you are hoping for though!) But that approach is absolutely not an option for a parent.. Parenting requires daily, hourly decisions that impact your child. It's exhausting and consuming. You have to be present.

You might not be bothered where you are going year to year but you would probably not find it so easy to just find another home or school or group of friends for your child if the current carries you off again.

Essentially if you become a parent it is a fully new kind of life. The existence that has suited you well enough till now would be gone. Permanently gone.

I think it's quite urgent that you really engage with the realities of this situation. This is a time when the current of life is leading towards something of a rocky narrows. You have rhe opportunity to find out a bit beforehand , via self examination, about what lies beyond - whether continuing on the with the pregnancy is a challenge you relish, and shoot on through to parent land and all the hard steering it requires, or whether to swim to the side and take steps to find another river that you will prefer and have chosen for its calmer waters.

Wow I cross posted with you OP and seems like what I predicted for your child is exactly what you experienced. Your childhood sounds sad to me, all those separtions. I am not any kind of psycholoist but I would warn you that being a parent can be very raw and emotional - perhaps ask yourself how that might work for you, and whether you would want more emotional support from the father than your not-in-love-and-already-a-dad-to-someone-elses-child husband would be able to offer.

Both my parents had a habit of just disappearing for weeks at a time, there was never a goodbye or a promise of return or a timeline. I never knew if it was a weekend trip or 4 months.

That will have been extremely damaging, and I think as a child you've possibly blocked your emotions in order to cope with things like this.

If you don't have the child and feel reasonably happy, then continue as you are, you're not harming others.

If you do have a child, and continue with your underemotional engagement, you may do a lot of harm. Your child will know you're not fully present in the relationship, and it would be cruel to involve them in your drifting along life when they need a mother who is present, and the structure and stability that comes with that.

Can you afford the child on your own?

The contented open marriage was dead before you realised you were pregnant, once the reality of a baby impacts you both it will be well and truly over and you will co parent.

He is not a fully involved father to his other child, he doesn't do night feeds for ten nights in a row. The odd weekend visit and phone call does not prepare him for the relentlessness of 24/7 parenting.

He must have super sperm to get 2 women pregnant while using contraception with both. He will father other children and his time and resources will be drained.

Can you do this on your own, and do you want to? 4 years of full time baby hood, 10 years of school runs, lunches, gym gear, then 4 more years of teenager monitoring. Can you afford it?

You cannot coast as a parent, it's a full time job, and there is no exit ramp.

You need to think nit about you but the baby if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. It's not just about what you want.
I thinknin yoyr situation I'd have the abortion and start afresh back in England. You've time to meet someone if you want and have a baby if that is commitment you actually want.

"However I’m 32, I don’t know if I want kids, but I do feel like if I don’t have them now, I never will."

and

"I don’t know if I’d make a good mum, part of me thinks I’d figure it out and maybe a child is the only person I’d ever be able to really love"

...are two of the worst reasons to have children.

What happens if your child is born and you don't feel some sort of magical sparkly unicorn love for them? I'm sure you're capable of literally being a mother and taking care of your child's physical needs and providing for them, but a child needs more than just its physical needs met.

It's not a good idea to bring a child into the world if you aren't sure if you actually want a child.

I don't think you're a terrible person or that you are a sociopath or anything, but I don't think you are in a place, emotionally or mentally, where you actually want to be a mother at this time.

I've got some of the same qualities as you - I feel less of an emotional range than seems "typical" for people, especially in regards to other people/relationships with them. So I understand - I have coasted similarly through my life (and through a 24-year long relationship, which recently ended.) Sometimes if/when you start to dwell on it deeply or think about it too hard, it can become a little overwhelming, as well.

I personally have filled my life (and heart) with pets, and it's a lot easier for me, while still having something to feel affection for and that feels affection for me.

I'm not trying to tell you that you "must" or "should" do one thing or another, but you do sound similar to me/my situation/life in a lot of ways, and I know that I would be completely unsuitable to being a mother.

Firstly, I don’t think you should feel ashamed of your situation (you mention in your opening line you’re ashamed to speak to family)

I don’t think the reasons you given are remotely strong enough to keep the baby, having a baby is a massive and life changing thing and doing it because the chance might not come up again but think is the wrong reason, and will lead to unhappiness. Fine for people who desperately want a baby and decide to go it alone or father get pregnant in not ideal circumstances…but you’re not content with your life posistion at the moment, nor do you seem to really want a baby right now. you have all any years ahead of you to have a baby.

i agree with other posters that you need to stop coasting. Make a decision and act upon it. You talk about moving back to London because there’s nothing keeping you in France. Even your title of the thread “failed and messy marriage” sums up what you think of your marriage - even if your main post is less negative about it

No one on this forum can tell you what to do

Interesting reading. Agree with the other posters..I also think your childhood had a damaging effect on you. My DH is the same, his m walked out when he was,7, waited till he was at school went off with the lodger.. she told me she was bored and didn't want 3 kids under 4 and then had a baby with the lodger. It had a terrible phycology effect on him,many years therapy and antidepressants..he is very much a loner, he had agoraphobia, social phobia and xenophobia, would often physical run away from restaurants etc.. he is very emotionally detached. It sounds like you drifted into marriage, we've been married almost 26 years and don't do much without each other. Thankfully he wanted a DC and has always been brilliant with my 3 other kids. No one can advise you on whether to have a baby or not. However,you say you aren't sure if you want one, there is no going back once the baby is born..I was desperate to have dvd, the more the merrier. Not everyone is like that, I could never have a termination myself, but I used to work in an out patients dept in the gynae dept. I made no judgements,that wasn't my place. You do sound very immature for your age, I wish you well, and hope you will inform us what you decide.

I didn't type DVD phone altered that, should have read multiple DC's.

You sound numb to life and seem to have been this way for years.
I wouldn't bring a child into that.
If you tell your husband he may prevent you leaving France with the child.
If you want to return to UK and keep child you need to go before you start showing.

Exactly what I thought. "Accidentally on purpose". I don't think you are being honest with yourself.

Do you want your life to change completely and forever? Or are you happy coasting along as you have been, doing what you fancy? No wrong answer here, but I can guarantee that if you have this baby your life will change in every imaginable way and his won’t change very much.

I totally get the lack of ability to feel a full bandwidth on emotions. If you Google "wheel of emotions" you'll see a normal spread of emotions that people feel. When I went through this with my therapist, I realised I could only feel a third of them.

It is definitely to do with dysfunctional attachment with your parents.

Honestly, in your position, I'd focus on that. Whether in France or the UK - move out, get therapy, heal. If you throw a child into this mix, you'll be burying emotions again for the next 20 years.

I agree with this. Even if it's subconscious and you're not aware of it/it wasn't a conscious decision - it reads to me that now he's a father you don't want to lose him, and have fallen pregnant to keep him with you.

Oooooo

Please don't go down the route of concluding 'i'm unable to love or be a good mother because this relationship wasn't ideal and I had a tricky childhood '. I think plenty of people pick a partner because they're a good fit, look the part, similar social/ career/ family cultural fit and tryal and make it work. Whether or not 'true love' ever forms is neither here not there. You took one path re choosing a partner and it was a valid one. But I'd move on now.

I feel like some posters, with respect, are taken aback because you're being so pragmatic about your relationship and feelings and are paying absolutely zero lip service to how things 'should' be when it comes to motherhood and relationships. But that's how some people deal with complex situations. Not to say definitely keep the pregnancy. That's what needs to be weighed up.

But please consider what you need carefully and realistically. That means not comparing yourself against some idealised madonna and child, and not with the expectation of this relationship improving into something it wasn't before.

Please speak to a therapist or counsellor as a priority.

Hi, I’m a mum and I’m the same age as you.
It is completely all consuming. There’s hardly any space at all for me to do the things I want to do.

You sound like you prioritise yourself and your needs and that is great. Definitely no criticism at all. But just a warning that being a mother would change all of that completely and you might find it hard (I do). Your options would be limited unless you decide to live a very alternative lifestyle.

The other side of the coin is that you sound very independent and I’m sure could make it work somehow, for yourself and child.

He won’t be of any help. A once a month dad is a joke. Decide if you can go it alone.
Money would play a part for me. I wouldn’t want a life cooped up in crappy accommodation raising a child on a shoe string. Can you afford to live a nice life, with security, just you and a child? (Don’t count on any man providing anything at all).