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Original poster

Pregnant and scared to tell my husband

52 replies

HahaHoney · 22/05/2025 21:21

Hello, I need some advice please. I’m unsure if this is the right place to post.

For context , Im 36 and my husband is 51. We have a 14 year old together. Another child was always a sticking point between us and after I miscarried ten years ago, he said he didn’t want anymore.

We have had ups and downs as most relationships have. He would get really angry if I broached the subject of more kids. His reasons are his age.

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant and I am nervous about telling him. I don’t know how I feel myself. I’ve kind of come to terms with not having another over the years.
I have a large gap between me and my sister. So the large age gap between siblings isn’t the element that worries me.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to navigate this decision/situation. Has anyone had a large age gap and found it ok? Or is going back to baby stage after so long too hard? I’m unsure how to tell him. Part of me wonders if it should be so hard to tell my own husband something like this.

OP posts:
Coffeislife · 22/05/2025 21:24

It is normal I think to be a bit worried or anxious.
Take your time and process your own emotions and wants first. What do you want how do you feel ? What contraception was there ? I have age 14 and age 2 they have a beautiful bond. I was 15 and 16 when my brothers were born also.

Lavender14 · 22/05/2025 21:26

I think op it's probably OK to first take a bit of time to figure out how you are feeling about this. If you can afford another baby then I don't think there being an age gap is a huge issue but you will probably notice a difference in your own energy levels given that you're 14 years older this time round but still well within an average age to have a baby.

I think you need to work out exactly what it is about telling him that scares you - is it fear that he'll fly off the handle and get aggressive in some way, or is it fear that he will feel differently to you and it'll create a cross roads in your relationship? Because my advice to you would be very different depending on which it is.

User2025meow · 22/05/2025 21:35

He would get really angry if I broached the subject of more kids. His reasons are his age.

Why on earth then did he not use contraception if he was so against it? Why not have a vasectomy? He doesn’t really get the right to be angry with you then. Don’t accept that, whatever your decision ends up being.

Sassybooklover · 22/05/2025 21:47

No contraception is 100% safe; there's always a possibility of a pregnancy if a couple are having sex. If your husband was that sure he didn't want another child, then he should have had a vasectomy. I think you need to decide how you feel regarding the pregnancy before you tell your husband. You will need to tell him, and there's no easy way to do it. How would you feel if he told you he didn't want you to continue with the pregnancy? Do you want another baby with him, if your relationship has been rocky? Babies, as you know are incredibly hard work, and will put a strain on your relationship. Even the best relationships can be strained with a newborn, let alone if the relationship isn't great.

whynotmereally · 22/05/2025 22:03

it might be best to decide what you want to do before you tell him. If you are going ahead with the pregnancy you would need to be prepared for the fact that you might be doing it alone . I would tell him factually and tell him your plan and suggest he takes sometime to thing anout it.

if you are scared to tell him you could ask someone to be with you or tell him in public.

Original poster
HahaHoney · 22/05/2025 22:03

@Lavender14 I think I am worried he will fly off the handle.
@Sassybooklover @User2025meow I agree, regarding the contraception, if he was sure he could have had a vasectomy.

I think I need to process over the next few days and see how I feel. If I’m honest with myself, i shouldn’t be dreading telling him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HahaHoney · 22/05/2025 22:04

whynotmereally · 22/05/2025 22:03

it might be best to decide what you want to do before you tell him. If you are going ahead with the pregnancy you would need to be prepared for the fact that you might be doing it alone . I would tell him factually and tell him your plan and suggest he takes sometime to thing anout it.

if you are scared to tell him you could ask someone to be with you or tell him in public.

Good advice thank you

OP posts:
Coffeislife · 22/05/2025 22:07

I'm so sorry I didn't realise you meant scared of him that is a totally different scenario.

Original poster
HahaHoney · 22/05/2025 22:14

Coffeislife · 22/05/2025 22:07

I'm so sorry I didn't realise you meant scared of him that is a totally different scenario.

Sorry if I confused. I am scared of his reaction, not of him , I think he will see this as a major obstacle because of his age. We are in a much better place now than a few years ago relationship wise. I know he won’t want it. I feel like I do but I’m more worried about how it will affect him and I don’t know why. I’ve always been like that

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 22/05/2025 22:35

Did he know it was a possibility?

Catoo · 22/05/2025 22:38

Blimey he’s 51 not 81.
And you’re only 36. Is he a particularly unfit 51?

Agree with PP to get your head round it first.

If telling him will make him fly off the handle avoid it. You don’t need any stress.

Can you text him when you are apart at some point? Not ideal but it gives him chance to take it in and you can set out what your plan is clearly without emotion and being interrupted and upset.

I’m sorry that what should be an exciting and happy time is such a worry. 💐

Mrsmouse71 · 22/05/2025 22:46

Could he be reacting because you lost a baby?

Original poster
HahaHoney · 22/05/2025 22:59

Catoo · 22/05/2025 22:38

Blimey he’s 51 not 81.
And you’re only 36. Is he a particularly unfit 51?

Agree with PP to get your head round it first.

If telling him will make him fly off the handle avoid it. You don’t need any stress.

Can you text him when you are apart at some point? Not ideal but it gives him chance to take it in and you can set out what your plan is clearly without emotion and being interrupted and upset.

I’m sorry that what should be an exciting and happy time is such a worry. 💐

No he looks a lot younger. I know, he’s honestly going through. Weird thing since he hit 50. Someone told me it’s a make menopause! In general I don’t feel the age gap. I think like you said I’ll
process first. I wonder if the fact I’m unsure is more to do with me worrying how he will take it , over how I feel about it if that makes sense

OP posts:
JustAMum31 · 22/05/2025 23:00

What kind of anger? In any way abusive/violent? Or more dismissive/shutting the conversation down and just refusing to talk about it?

If the second one then I wonder if it’s more of a coping mechanism after you guys experiencing a loss?

My best friends husband will absolutely not entertain the idea of a second child. He won’t even discuss it and gets angry with her over bringing it up. She was very very ill during her first pregnancy and then had a very traumatic birth and I know his anger comes from a place of fear as he would never want to risk her going through all that again.

I know others have suggested telling him with someone else present or out in public etc…
personally, for me, if I felt the need to do that to be able to tell my partner something for fear of his reaction then the relationship would be over for me.

Original poster
HahaHoney · 22/05/2025 23:01

notatinydancer · 22/05/2025 22:35

Did he know it was a possibility?

well we haven’t been using the best of methods so he’s been daft in that respect. I haven’t fallen pregnant in 10 years but it was only a matter of time in my opinion!

OP posts:
Original poster
HahaHoney · 22/05/2025 23:04

Mrsmouse71 · 22/05/2025 22:46

Could he be reacting because you lost a baby?

He did not react well to me being pregnant that time. Something he says he feels guilty about now. He was not in a good place mentally. Something he has worked hard with and is on good place now

OP posts:
Original poster
HahaHoney · 22/05/2025 23:07

JustAMum31 · 22/05/2025 23:00

What kind of anger? In any way abusive/violent? Or more dismissive/shutting the conversation down and just refusing to talk about it?

If the second one then I wonder if it’s more of a coping mechanism after you guys experiencing a loss?

My best friends husband will absolutely not entertain the idea of a second child. He won’t even discuss it and gets angry with her over bringing it up. She was very very ill during her first pregnancy and then had a very traumatic birth and I know his anger comes from a place of fear as he would never want to risk her going through all that again.

I know others have suggested telling him with someone else present or out in public etc…
personally, for me, if I felt the need to do that to be able to tell my partner something for fear of his reaction then the relationship would be over for me.

Dismissive shutting down and refusing as you have said. Communication in the past hasn’t been his forte. I think there maybe element of fear. Since he hit 50 he just seems to really worry about age.

I get what you are saying. and I agree it shouldn’t be the case.

OP posts:
Skipthisbit · 22/05/2025 23:28

I’m 51 and honestly i absolutely can not think of anything worse than having a child. I’m fit and healthy but the fact is young children are hard work and there is reason 50 year old women very rarely get pregnant. Ultimately it’s up to you - your body, your choice but I know if the boot was in the other foot so to speak and I utterly adore my DH, I just could not have a baby at 51.
Bot trying to be hurtful just honest OP

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2025 23:39

He’s had sex with no contraception for 10 years and is in no position at all to be angry it’s led to the inevitable. He should have had a vasectomy if he was so adamant or used condoms at the very least. You were clear you wanted a baby and he made it happen. You did not impregnate yourself!

Zanatdy · 23/05/2025 06:06

Well he should have had a vasectomy if he didn’t want anymore children. I am 49 and absolutely would not want a baby at this stage of my life, so I make sure it doesn’t happen. My brother is 50, with a 3yr old (he also has DC in their 20’s and early 30’s) and he is exhausted. His 2nd wife had no DC, so he didn’t want to deny her having her own DC. He adores his son, but frequently makes comments about how exhausted he is, how he’s too old for this. When the DC grow up, it’s your time to do things for you again, so I can understand he won’t be happy, but again, it’s his own doing. I have a big gap, but I started out in my teens, so had my last DC at 31, so i’ve been there with DC with big gaps.

You need to think if this is what you want, how your DC will react, how it will impact her (exams coming up in next couple of years), how it will affect your relationship, if he will leave and you have to do it alone. How you’ll cope as you get older and have less energy etc.

GreyCarpet · 23/05/2025 07:15

In general I don’t feel the age gap.

The younger person rarely does and I say that from experience of being on both sides.

The problem is that it is perfectly reasonable for a 36 year old to want another child and it is equally perfectly reasonable for a 51 year old (however 'youthful') to know that they don't.

You might not feel the age difference but I'd imagine he very much does.

I'm 51 and since turning 50, my view on many things has changed. Especially around what I want my life to look like and being aware that my next decades are my 60s and 70s. Even though they are still a long way off.

I'm not 'old' in any sense but it's natural to start thinking about the next few remaining decades of your life whereas in my mid 30s, I didn't feel any differently to I did in my 20s.

It doesn't really matter how you see him or the age difference because he has his own valid perspective on it. My children are both adults (late teens and mid 20s) and I can't think of many things i would want less from life now than becoming a parent again.

GreyCarpet · 23/05/2025 07:27

Since he hit 50 he just seems to really worry about age.

Really worry or mindful and aware?

He will be aware of how his health and physical 'qualities' are not what they were and he knows it's not going to get any better.

I have friends/acquaintances/colleagues in their late 50s/early 60s and no matter how youthful their outlook on life or how active they are, the signs of age are beginning to show and, sometimes, very noticeably. Throughout their early 50s, it was only noticeable to them (tiredness, minor health niggles, aches and pains) but on approaching 60 (and beyond), these are beginning to present in more obvious ways and bring limitations they havent experienced before. This baby would still be a young child at this stage of his life.

Obviously, what you decide to do is very much up to you but I think you need to understand the reality and not see his perspective as unreasonable or one that will change.

Original poster
HahaHoney · 23/05/2025 07:58

Thank you everyone for your input. @GreyCarpet I don’t see his perspective as unreasonable. But it’s very much a different perspective and a hard one to navigate.
i can certainly see it from both sides.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 23/05/2025 08:03

HahaHoney · 23/05/2025 07:58

Thank you everyone for your input. @GreyCarpet I don’t see his perspective as unreasonable. But it’s very much a different perspective and a hard one to navigate.
i can certainly see it from both sides.

It is. But only because you are both exactly where you 'should' be at your respective ages.

I wish you well with whatever you choose and I hope the conversation with him is positive and respectful even if you can't find a common ground.

Koazy · 23/05/2025 08:07

He’s far too old but sounds like he’s not been too fused with contraception so he can’t be shocked.