Pregnant and scared to tell my husband

[HahaHoney]

Hello, I need some advice please. I’m unsure if this is the right place to post.

For context , Im 36 and my husband is 51. We have a 14 year old together. Another child was always a sticking point between us and after I miscarried ten years ago, he said he didn’t want anymore.

We have had ups and downs as most relationships have. He would get really angry if I broached the subject of more kids. His reasons are his age.

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant and I am nervous about telling him. I don’t know how I feel myself. I’ve kind of come to terms with not having another over the years.
I have a large gap between me and my sister. So the large age gap between siblings isn’t the element that worries me.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to navigate this decision/situation. Has anyone had a large age gap and found it ok? Or is going back to baby stage after so long too hard? I’m unsure how to tell him. Part of me wonders if it should be so hard to tell my own husband something like this.

I guess this is a tough consequence of a 36 year old man and a 21 year old woman deciding to get together (how do you feel about that now as a 36 year old yourself?). You are at different life stages which is giving you the fear. If you want this baby, then keep it. The situation isn't ideal, but things were never going to be ideal with such a large age gap.

If he didn’t want any more children, why did he not get a vasectomy…?!!

Very few women would want to start again with a baby at 51.

He should have been more thorough with contraception, especially considering the age gap. But this pregnancy is also highlighting the age gap between you and being at different stages in your life

It sounds like you would like the baby.
Look after your health and take all the usual tests to ensure a healthy baby
I would tell your DH once you are certain of the baby's health and when you know you will have the child.

You could always complain that you are getting fat. Hahahaa
When would he work it out?

Concentrate on parenting your older child and praise your DH for his great fathering skills.
You still have time to both launch your first child off into tertiary education or an apprenticeship successfully before life gets extra busy with number two.
It's perfectly timed, Op.

Your husband will have less stress than you think because he is an experienced parent and your older child will be there to share the excitment.

I’m amazed at the tilty headed bending themselves in knots to see his side responses.
I do not like this man for several reasons
•large age gap
•gets angry/ stonewalls. Not being scared of a partner is the bare minimum, surely?!
•all the not in a good place/ emotional instability in the past.
•doesn’t take responsibility. Why didn’t he have a vasectomy.

@HahaHoney I’d talk this through thoroughly before telling him. Find a BACP registered therapist and explain you want 2/3 sessions focussing on the relationship now and your options (baby, no baby, stay,
leave) now you’re in this situation. And if paying for it or finding the time to attend privately those are more bullet points.

I think irrelevant of how he reacted 10 years ago and how nice a person he is or not he’s not going to be happy now at age 51 Most 51 one year olds don’t want a baby

The main message I’m hearing is that you are scared of his reaction. He doesn’t sound as a supportive respectful husband. See the bigger picture- he married you when you were young and it seems that there was always power imbalance ( not in your favour). See him for who he is - selfish and entitled. If he cared about you enough, you’d never be in the position you are currently in. Reconnect with yourself, decide what you want, ducks in the row and then you tell him your position. If he acts as a twat- I’m sorry but you’d know what to do next. Marriage isn’t required to be happy. You can make yourself happy by living life by being true to yourself and your desires.

The main message I’m hearing is that you are scared of his reaction

good point.

If ever I was scared of someone I lived with, I’d take urgent steps to get away.

But OP is only 36 an age when many women are just starting their families.

@HahaHoney take time to think about what you want before telling him
But if you decide you want the baby . Don't let your husband bully you into having an abortion. Yes he will be an older father but it's your body that will carry and birth the baby not his. My father was 50 when my brother was born, he was a good hands on father.
If he was so sure that he didn't want another child he should have had a vasectomy, he must know what can happen when people have sex so he has no right to get angry when he finds out you are pregnant.

And feeling forced into having an abortion when you don't won't one will put an even greater strain on the relationship.
Whatever happens the relationship will be strained. OP needs to think carefully about what she wants and her relationship with her husband

if he looses his shit, then lay out some basic biology for him

contrary to popular belief you do not to choose to have children. You have to take a personal and active decision to not have a child.

Becoming pregnant is the outcome of choosing to have sex (unless one of you is sadly infertile)

that’s on him EQUALLY as you

he choose to have sex without him actively deciding to use contraception himself. Or have a vasectomy. It is ever thus with men and society. Somehow getting pregnant is entirely the woman’s fault or “choice”

no contraception is 100% reliable- and even at his age he’d have still been told this is sexed age 14 ish. He’s just conveniently pretending otherwise

if he didn’t want kids he should have

1. had a vasectomy
2. or abstained from sex
3. or used other contraception in conjunction to yours
4. or accepted a pregnancy may occur every time he had sex with you just using your contraception, and therefore accepted that there is a probability of around 1 in 100 that he would have to deal with that pregnancy and child as a responsible adult

his choice was made when he choose to have sex , and none of above. It’s your choice now whether to intervene with the natural course of events and terminate the pregancy. Your choice only. And only you know what is best for you and potential future child.

Ok, being angry and frustrated that he has created a pregnancy is fine, but that should be directed at himself for his failure to take charge of his own fertility. Being angry and frustrated for the “loss” of a future he envisaged is also fair enough. But being angry with you is not fair enough, justifiable, or acceptable. This is on him equally.

“Gloschick · Today 08:17

I guess this is a tough consequence of a 36 year old man and a 21 year old woman deciding to get together (how do you feel about that now as a 36 year old yourself?). You are at different life stages which is giving you the fear. If you want this baby, then keep it. The situation isn't ideal, but things were never going to be ideal with such a large age gap.”

I agree with this. @HahaHoney - you had your DC pretty young (22). Was that because no contraception was being used then? Would you have chosen to have a child so young if your partner hadn’t been so much older?

I may be reading this completely wrong but, given your age gap, I see a guy who was happy to rush you into settling down instead of allowing you to spend at least a few years footloose and fancy free in your 20s and has since wanted you to live like someone who is his age (late 30s/40s) rather than your own (20s/30s). He shuts you down when you want something that he doesn’t and you are scared of telling him something he won’t want to hear. That’s quite a strong word. You shouldn’t be scared of telling your husband who doesn’t use contraception that you’re pregnant.

The difference in life experience and mentality between 21 & 36 is so significant: you’re just out of childhood and freshly launched on the world; he’s approaching middle age. It reads like - in his mid-30s - he deliberately chose a much younger partner who was more pliable and easier to casually dominate and control.

Like I say, I could have this completely wrong. And I also agree that I absolutely wouldn’t want another child at 51. But I’m also not a fan of your H stealing your opportunity of having a second child because he chose to settle down with someone much younger. As the much older partner, the responsibility for that choice falls on him.

I concur with all the PP saying that having a newborn in your 50s is the stuff of nightmares, however I imagine that’s why 99% of us take precautions to ensure pregnancy cannot happen.

He chose to actively engage in the act of procreation and (by the sounds of it) took zero measure to prevent pregnancy; what did he think would happen 🙄

Whilst keeping the baby (or not) is entirely your decision, I would be very hesitant about having a child with a man that you are scared of; that doesn’t bode well for either you or the child 😞

The problem is that it is perfectly reasonable for a 36 year old to want another child and it is equally perfectly reasonable for a 51 year old (however 'youthful') to know that they don't.

Yes, this is very true. I am more his age than yours but wouldn't want to bring a baby into the mix now-my friends are starting to talk about retirement! In 15 years time he probably wants to retire, not have to work more in order to pay to put a child through university.

Saying that, I would have had robust contraception in place so this didn't happen, and it's bizarre that wasn't.

My husband has the exact same age gap with his brother and as adults they are best friends and work together.

Very weird that he hasn't gotten a vasectomy. Makes me think that he might be one of those men. But that doesn't really matter in this situation.

My advice would be to call him/text him so he can have his initial feelings by himself. Are you prepared to do this alone if needed? Or would you rather terminate if he doesn't want one? Those are the the questions you need to ask for yourself.

As for being scared for his reaction. It is natural to some extend whe you know this is not welcome news. However, i do think that once the dust is settled, this is something you need to talk about. Maybe even in couples counseling. I'm not the one to suggest therapy for everything but with your age gap, pregnancy loss, pregnancy, his age proobelm, shutting down conversations etc. It might not be the worst idea.

I have a bigger age gap with my brothers. One of them is my best friend. The other lives away so we don't get to see that often, but we hanng out whenever we can and have out group chat. And his adult children live few blocks away and sometimes ask me to go clubbing 😂

If a man won't use condoms he needs to take the consequences of having a child.

I can see why people would think that. But no it wasn’t like that. But we obviously didn’t think at the time about how the age gap would be later on. I don’t regret having my daughter at that age. Not super ideal but I’ve made up for what I may have missed in my twenties I feel apart from the carefree bit!. I’m scared not of him but the way he will react. I do agree with what you have said about shutting me down. That’s definitely how it’s been over the years about the second child conversation and the fact I feel this has always been on his terms, none negotiable. I didn’t mean for my post to make him sound like a bully. I don’t know if I could cope with termination. I agree with everyone’s comments on contraception.

Hi @HahaHoneyvery tricky situation. I am 40 and my husband is 59. We have an almost 3 year old and 13 year old together and I have a 20 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband and I have been together for 18 years. I was happy just having my eldest for years but when I hit 26 I started to feel really broody. We spoke about it and he was against it. Our relationship wasn’t so great back then. We went on holiday and my daughter almost drowned in a freak accident. A few weeks later he said he had changed his mind, life is too short and the accident my daughter had had changed his mind!! We started trying and 5 months later I was pregnant with our first child together. I think I had her when I was 28 and he was 47. In 2019 I came off contraception after being on it on and off for many years. Two years later we had a very surprising pregnancy. Our youngest is almost 3. My husband has always been supportive, apart from the first blip he had years ago, we carried on with the pregnancy and we now have our third little one. It’s such hard work some days but we have a really strong marriage these days and we are very happy.

If you want to keep your baby, keep it. You may resent him for wanting you to terminate and then beat yourself up about it for years. If your marriage is strong, he will come around and you will get through it. If not, you will have two lovely children.

Good luck! X

A bit worrying that you see your DH’s stance on a second child as ‘non negotiable’. Surely if he doesn’t want a second child- and he doesn’t owe you a child- there is nothing to negotiate? I wonder if his standoffishness is him simply being tired of ongoing badgering by you to try and make him do something he doesn’t want to do. And, at 51, who can blame him.

He’s a bit foolish for not having used contraception or getting the snip, and sounds a bit immature despite his age.

His reaction and him are the same thing, he is his reaction. You can’t isolate it and say you’re scared of his reaction but not him. Sorry you’re in this position

@Bonmot57 In saying non negotiable I am referring to
the fact it’s never been a conversation he would have. I haven’t been badgering, but obviously in a relationship couples tend to actually have an in depth discussion about things like this. By your logic you could equally argue that by not having another child is something I shouldn’t be made to accept. There is no right and no wrong, hence being in this position.

@BabyBorn thank you for your advice. I’m glad you are happy 😊

OP you very clearly said in your PP ''I don’t know if I could cope with termination.''

So that's your initial gut reaction. That is your honest reaction to the pregnancy.

Remember that.

I think that if you weren't scared of his 'reaction', you'd also feel joy and happiness about being pregnant again ?

Don't allow him to convince you that having an abortion is the only 'solution', just because of HIS gut reaction.

He could have taken the reins and had a vasectomy if he was 100% certain he didn't want another child. He didn't. Instead he carried on having sex with little care, simply because he's 100% sure that HE would control the outcome if you DID get pregnant again, and he's not been backward about making his thoughts secret has he?

But this is about BOTH of you, and he DOESN'T get to control the outcome, YOU DO. All he can control is whether or not he stays married to you, which I'm sure will be his first response ! i.e 'You need to sort an abortion', and/or 'If you keep it I'll leave you and you'll be a single parent' etc etc.

Prepare yourself to hear this from him, and have your replies ready.

Personally I'd be holding the door for him and saying 'Off you fuck then' as I would never be able to live with having an abortion either, but that's just me. A husband can be 'replaced', but your children can't...

You have to be able to live with yourself and with your decision, you DON'T have to live with HIS...

Take your time to really think about this before you tell him anything at all about being pregnant, be 100% sure of YOUR thoughts and wants/needs regarding this potential 2nd child before you speak to him, because he's spent a lifetime making you dance to his tune, but this is about a serious life choice, not where to go on holiday or what house to buy (these are 'reversible' choices) but you having the 2nd child you've always wanted and whether or not you could ever live with having an abortion are not....

Take your time and don't rush anything.

Well, of course not. You are free to choose whether to stay in your marriage (and keep your family intact) or not. No one is owed or entitled to a child and no-one should be forced into having a child-with all the responsibilities that entails- against their will. Did he believe you were on contraception?