Being friends with the parents of your children's friends

[Tigermoth]

Is it me or do others get upset about this? My son has a good number of friends both in and out of school. I like to assume that if a friendship is making both children happy, their mothers (or fathers) would make some effort to get to know each other, too.

My son has one friend he has known since he was a toddler. They get on very well and I seem to get on well with his mother. But the only time we meet up is when she has her son on tow. Because our children naturally want our attention then, and the visits are fairly child-centered, it's difficult to hold a long adult conversation with her -though we do try! She's always eager to meet up, but when I've suggested we meet sometimes for a few hours by ourselves she has made it clear she does not want to. I'm sorry, but I find this a bit insulting. Presumably she likes my son and I enough to spend time with us - or is she just tolerating it for the sake of the children's friendship?

I've noticed the same thing happening with some of my son's other friends, both old and new. Some mothers seem to see it all in a very one-dimensional way. I obviously don't expect to become close buddies with each mother every time my son makes a new friend, but it's nice to get to know new people in my son's social circle, and if we like each other too, having our own friendship. I just don't like basing adult friendships on solely on meetings when I am in full-time mum mode. It makes me feel far too old and respectable!

I don't want to come across as Billy-no-friends - I do have lots of friends who aren't like this, honest!! but I find the mothers who do this rather baffling. Any comments?

I don't really know what to say on this one Tigermoth as I haven't really met any other mums via my son yet.

I am surprised though that our Nanny seems to have a number of very good relationships with other mums and carers in our area but never meets up with any of them unless the children are with them. These are people she sees 2 - 3 times a week sometimes. I was pretty gobsmacked when one of the mums she saw an awful lot of returned to work 4 days a week with Fridays off and our Nanny commented to me it was a shame as she wouldn't be seeing her any more because Fridays were her day off too and she wouldn't have our son with her!.

I remember having to stand at the kitchen door on newspaper in my socks by one of my daughter's friend's mother when she was about 5 and I had come to collect her when I had been out riding! I was mortified, but stood there like a complete arse for my daughter's sake!! At that time my daughter thought all little girls had brass 4 poster beds with lace curtains, and couldn't wait till hers arrived! Its very hurtful when your kids friends parents are boorish and rude, but I decided to have an attitude of make the offer and if its not taken up, move on.

message withdrawn

I am also having problems, lots of mums are less than friendly at the school gates, I dont understand why. One whose child had swimming lessons with mine wouldnt even say hello to me at the pool, when I tried to open a conversation with her she looked at me like I was mad!
I do actually have one friend who's children and mine are interchangeable, maybe I come across as unfriendly? I don't know, I just hate having to be the one to say"can soandso come to play one evening?" because my child is too shy to do so!

Just wait to you send out party invites at school and out of the 15 you send, you only get 3 replies. You then spend god knows how long chasing after these people AARGH!

I am going to go on about the NCT now, find your local one, join in, go to things, the committee meetings etc. NCT groups are everywhere, if you don't get on with the local one, just try the one in the next town. They are a fantastic way to meet people and the main thing is that people join because they want to make new friends.

I have been a member for 5 years now (I am not the beans, beads, boobs type!) I didn't even breastfeed for more than 6 weeks! We even go on holiday with people we've met. Good Luck.

I found out that one woman who ignored me at the school gate was so short sighted she could barely see!

I'm still amazed at the fact that other parents don't seem to wsant even to pass the time of day. My 3 year old goes to a nursery in central London and as I drop him off I see some parents every day. I always say hello and have tried to strike up a conversation more than once ,but they simply don't want to know. Even my other half has commented on this.

One of the real downsides of being a working mother is that I don't get to meet other parents at playgroups etc and I feel quite isolated a lot of the time as most of our friends (mid 30's!)don't yet have children.

Re the NCT, great if you can get in. I tried with both my pregnancies but the requirement for access in Islington seems to be to be able to predict your child's birth date 3 months before you conceive. Im waiting to see if there will be room for me to participate in the post birth group.

Rhiannon, I have found our local NCT really cleeky. Unless you attended ante-natal classes with them, they don't seem interested. So many of them also seem to be stay at home mums, so there seems to be an instant barrier. As for the NCT newsletter, its always about bloody breastfeeding! There's rarely any articles focussed at working mums.

Don't mean to rant at you! but I had to tell someone!!

To be part of the NCT "brigade", do you have to wear ankle length skirts, beads, love everyone wear cheese cloth and a bandana! and sandals on a very snowy day!!, oh sorry couldn't help myself, I'm sure not all NCT members are like that but some do give the impression of being rather earth worshippers, yeh man........

The Epsom ones are the complete opposite, always talking about their cleaners letting them down, and how difficult it is to find time to varnish ones nails. Hubby works in law or city of course, and as for HAVING or even WANTING to work. Out of the question!!

Oh well, I do wonder if they have someone to wipe their drippy noses as well!, god some folk are a right pain in the arse aren't they!, I'm off ewes are lambing like wildfire, got more to bring in as it is freezing cold here today, the wind would cut you in half. I mean I really don't want to work you know dahling!!!!!!!!!!!

Lil, I do have sympathy on your comment on NCT and working mums. I haven't been able to get involved with ours as ALL the events are held on Tuesdays at 11 am or similar.... It's a shame as I know very few mums where I live and would like to change that. But I do get the feeling its directed at stay at home mothers.

Lil, I have to say this. As someone who works with a bunch of men who live in Epson, Esher, Oxshott etc etc, you seem to me to be a VERY unlikely Epsom resident!! (That is meant in the nicest possible way...)

Ha, Croppy you've sussed it, I am actually an Essex girl made good. My neighbour joked that I would need references to live here. (well I think its a joke!). Mind you aren't your city colleagues 'ex-barrow boys' as they say. Or am I a couple of decades out of touch?!

oh Lil, I'm married to an Essex boy, I love Essex, and Im sure after some more brain-washing, i will one day love West Ham as much as he does!

ahh but Emmy, when I were a lass West Ham were still in the premiere division (just). Where are they now, I've lost touch? Mind you maroon and turquoise never went with my white stilettos!

I have no idea what team my son will have to support, I guess a mum should find out these things!

Lil, aha, you are a closet black tights and white stilletos wearer, you have been RUMBLED!!, can just imagine you dancing round you handbag. Mind you bet you think my Nora wellies are surgically removed every night, and I go about reeking of cow s**t, actually we have named the aroma Eau de Cooooo Dung!!!!!.

By the way, where has Sml gone, has she done a runner, is it Rosemary the telephone operator, is it Henry the cleaner, is it the sarge? where is she?, gone vamoosed into thin air.

Actually, Lil they divide into 2 neat groups. The Essex lot and the Surrey lot. My husband and I have had some surreal Saturday evenings with the latter. I remeber one where the wife answered the door in co-ordinated powder blue from head to toe (i.e. matching eye shadow, nail varnish on fingers and toes, top, trousers, shoes and jewellery). We ate outside in a bizarre sort of mimi-marquee thingy and despite the fact there was only 6 of us, it was all catered for by professionals!. The house contained acres of snowy white carpet. I remember the man of the house complaining to me that he had had to ask his cleaner to not park her car at the front of the house as it dripped oil on to his precious gravel - said as he was eyeing suspiciosly my husband's 30 year old Italian convertible... Most entertaining!.

oh yuk, Croppy how did you keep a straight face!

Ha ha Croppy, for a short while in the 80s I attended some aspirational social functions in Wokingham (until I saw sense and packed him in). Back then it was showing off your incredibly expensive collection of Level 42 and Dire Straits CDs, wearing polyester bermudas and listening to your lady wives advocating bulimia as a way to stay skinny for your hubby's pleasure. Frightening. I agree with what Lil and some others say about the deficiencies of the NCT support for women who aren't around during the week. Lil - don't know where you live but there is an NCT Working Parents Group in Cranleigh. I posted a request for info on such a group in SE London to meet up occasionally on Saturdays a while back and got a huge silence in reply.
And as for people at your children's nursery...I have met two nice mums out of 30 sets of parents. The rest are astonishingly rude and off-hand, not just to me, but to the staff as well, I've noticed. Nobody ain't got no class no more.
We ought to organise a Mumsnet convention (no offspring) somewhere central-ish (Birmingham? Sheffield) so that long-haulers like Tigger can come along and make rude jibes about us NCT members TO OUR FACES.

Oooooooh Marina, just think I could bring a sample of my Eau de Coooooo dung along with me. Rude jibes dahling, not me, never oh perish the thought of me ever being rude!!!!!!!!. Me I am a prime example on how to be very tactful and polite, ask some of my friends!!!

Marina, I too would love to know if there is an NCT group that meets in south east London at weekends. I've missed out on all that due to working full time. Can't decide if a mumsnet meet would be a good idea or not, though very curious to see you all!