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Original poster

Not going to BIL's wedding - is it my responsibility?

55 replies

gridlocked · 20/05/2025 20:56

DH and his brother are not very close. They're quite different characters and have drifted apart over the years to the point that they now barely speak.

A little while back we were invited to BIL's wedding. It's happening abroad, near to where his fiancée grew up. The logistics meant that taking our toddler wasn't really feasible (20 hours travel time each way and an evening start, so DS would miss most of the proceedings anyway) so I offered to stay at home with him and DH would go on his own.

DH however decided not to go. He said his relationship with BIL isn't in a good enough place for him to use the annual leave and money to go without us. I'll also be in the late stages of pregnancy by that point. He thanked his brother for the invitation but said it wouldn't work with DS so as a family we'd be staying at home. Very happy to celebrate with them back in the UK at some other point, however.

BIL seemed to accept this but his fiancée and parents are very angry with us both, and it's difficult to see the relationship recovering at the moment.

DH is pretty resolute that he's doing the right thing but every so often asks me what I think. I've said I'll support him either way but if he doesn't go that is probably going to draw a bit of a line under his relationship with his brother, so he needs to be prepared for that.

Beyond that I'm not sure it's my place to intervene further - is it? I don't like lingering conflict so this all feels quite uncomfortable as I can't see an end point to it. However, that's a bit of a selfish view, and I still don't think it's for me to tell DH what to do either way. Is that fair or is there anything else I can do to help the situation generally?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 20/05/2025 21:00

Definitely keep out of it, it sounds like your DH is handling it well. I think that tensions can run really high before a wedding but there's always the possibility that after some time passes the couple will calm down and put things into perspective.

ZenNudist · 20/05/2025 21:02

It sounds ds like your DH has made the right choice if you are heavily pregnant with a toddler to look after.

TheaBrandt1 · 20/05/2025 21:02

Declining a siblings wedding is a massive deal. I can see why they are upset. He should go on his own I think he will regret it in years to come if he doesn’t go

outerspacepotato · 20/05/2025 21:03

Your husband is prioritizing you and the family you're building together over a brother he is somewhat estranged from and his overbearing fiancee and her family.

Your husband is a keeper.

They expectations are very unrealistic. You in late pregnancy with a toddler, the wedding a 20 hour flight away, they're nuts.

tortiecat · 20/05/2025 21:03

I think you’ve handled this gracefully and well. Makes no sense to haul a toddler twenty hours each way for an evening wedding whilst heavily pregnant and you said you were fine for DH to go - what more can you do?

I am sorry that you’re getting grief from your PIL and BIL’s wife to be on this very reasonable stance. Please don’t let it stress you out at what is likely to be a full on time for your immediate little family.

jannier · 20/05/2025 21:06

All he needs to say is I need to be home with my wife in case the baby comes early. If anyone doesn't think that's fair they are not worth worrying about.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/05/2025 21:10

I do think you should spell out to your dh that this is probably going to end his relationship with his brother and cause long term issues for his parents trying to juggle both sides not being together. Declining your sibling’s wedding is a massive big deal and only one that should be done if you physically can’t go or don’t care about never seeing them again.

some men aren’t that good at seeing beyond “well I won’t enjoy it so I won’t go” and need to have the scale of the snub spelt out. But if you do that and dh still decides to end his relationship with his brother, that’s not your job to fix. Be clear to PIL as well you won’t be trying to fix it.

cranberryshortcake · 20/05/2025 21:19

Why is the wedding so far away? Did they move to another country and it’s where they now live? Did you move? Is it where her family are from? Or is it a destination wedding because they like the destination?

Anybody having a destination wedding or who lives far away from family and has a wedding in a different country to them should be well aware that several guests will have to say no to a wedding invite. That’s what happens when your wedding is so far away from the guests. Especially if they are heavily pregnant.

That’s on them for choosing a destination wedding.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/05/2025 21:24

@cranberryshortcake- in the OP she says it’s the bride’s home town. The downsides of marrying someone who grew up in another country, someone’s family is going to have to travel and tradition does come down on the side of it being the groom that travels and the bride marries at home.

ButterCrackers · 20/05/2025 21:30

The bride and her family are bringing selfish and unreasonable. 40hrs travel in total and being away from home for a week or more. Your dh doesn’t want to go. Surely his brother and bride could organise a celebration dinner once they are back. Put the photos on a screen with music, gifts, a wonderful day with family and friends.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/05/2025 21:32

Surely even when it's close family you have to accept that people are potentially going to have babies due and it's not reasonable to expect families in that situation to travel long distance to a wedding.

TheignT · 20/05/2025 21:37

TheaBrandt1 · 20/05/2025 21:02

Declining a siblings wedding is a massive deal. I can see why they are upset. He should go on his own I think he will regret it in years to come if he doesn’t go

I didn't go to either of my siblings weddings. One was abroad at short notice and I had a baby and toddler so it wasn't possible to organise it, well it might have been but would have been difficult. The other a bit more complicated. I'm in touch with both of them, no issues so years later I have no regrets

Teaforthetotal · 20/05/2025 21:41

If I was his brother I'd be disappointed but I'd understand. I'd be making up for it with a special gift and a meal together when things are easier. One brother's priority is his wedding, the other is his family with baby in the way.. Seems pretty reasonable.

threelittlescones · 20/05/2025 21:45

TheignT · 20/05/2025 21:37

I didn't go to either of my siblings weddings. One was abroad at short notice and I had a baby and toddler so it wasn't possible to organise it, well it might have been but would have been difficult. The other a bit more complicated. I'm in touch with both of them, no issues so years later I have no regrets

Show quote history

I think if people have their reasons for not going and have a chat with their sibling about it then there's no reason for it to cause a fallout. Assuming the reason isn't something really rubbish! My fiancé's sister hasn't even bothered to respond to our wedding invite and it's very soon (the rsvp date has passed) so we're going with they're not coming and I don't see that relationship recovering because there's no reason for it whatsoever.

FamingolosForDays · 20/05/2025 21:59

Surely you wouldn't be able to fly in late pregnancy anyway. Sounds like DH has made a reasonable decision but can see why the family are disappointed. Hopefully a conversation can sort it out

Broo · 20/05/2025 22:14

Difficult people will always find something to be difficult about. Any reasonable person would understand that if you have your wedding abroad, some people from your home country won’t come, especially those with a heavily pregnant wife.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2025 22:14

He’s made the right decision, they’re batshit to be angry and kick off over none of you going. You’ve got a toddler, you’re pregnant, it’s fucking miles away and will cost a lot of precious time and money when you’re about to have another baby. He’s being a good husband and if his brother cuts him off over this it wasn’t a relationship worth working on.

BernardButlersBra · 20/05/2025 22:17

outerspacepotato · 20/05/2025 21:03

Your husband is prioritizing you and the family you're building together over a brother he is somewhat estranged from and his overbearing fiancee and her family.

Your husband is a keeper.

They expectations are very unrealistic. You in late pregnancy with a toddler, the wedding a 20 hour flight away, they're nuts.

100% this. Your husband has his priorities straight. I wouldn't give it anymore thought to be honest

Hohofortherobbers · 20/05/2025 22:19

Being a 20 hr flight away from your heavily pregnant wife is a perfectly reasonable excuse. Yanbu

Cloudy718 · 20/05/2025 22:19

TheaBrandt1 · 20/05/2025 21:02

Declining a siblings wedding is a massive deal. I can see why they are upset. He should go on his own I think he will regret it in years to come if he doesn’t go

It might be for some but less so for others. My DH never really got on with his brother and they drifted so far apart that when his brother got married he didn’t attend his wedding and nor did his brother attend ours. I think it suited both parties to be honest.

They also only live a few miles apart as well and not 20 hours away. I think your DH is being very reasonable despite what some other members of the family may think.

Autumn38 · 21/05/2025 09:08

outerspacepotato · 20/05/2025 21:03

Your husband is prioritizing you and the family you're building together over a brother he is somewhat estranged from and his overbearing fiancee and her family.

Your husband is a keeper.

They expectations are very unrealistic. You in late pregnancy with a toddler, the wedding a 20 hour flight away, they're nuts.

He can’t be arsed to use his annual leave to go to his brother’s wedding and he won’t go without his wife organising it all for him. He keeps checking with his wife if he’s made the right decision because deep down he knows it’s a bit shit and wants her to make it ok for him.

he is not ‘a keeper’, he is someone who is lazy about family relationships.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/05/2025 09:10

He's not lazy, he's prioritising his heavily pregnant wife.

Fyreheart · 21/05/2025 09:13

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/05/2025 21:10

I do think you should spell out to your dh that this is probably going to end his relationship with his brother and cause long term issues for his parents trying to juggle both sides not being together. Declining your sibling’s wedding is a massive big deal and only one that should be done if you physically can’t go or don’t care about never seeing them again.

some men aren’t that good at seeing beyond “well I won’t enjoy it so I won’t go” and need to have the scale of the snub spelt out. But if you do that and dh still decides to end his relationship with his brother, that’s not your job to fix. Be clear to PIL as well you won’t be trying to fix it.

Op is heavily pregnant - do you think a destination wedding trumps your second childs birth?

I don't - the important player here is BIL - and he is ok with it. He could be sticking up up DH and telling everyone else to butt out.

And why does OP need to spell it out to BIL? One would assume DH is an adult ?

luckylavender · 21/05/2025 09:14

TheaBrandt1 · 20/05/2025 21:02

Declining a siblings wedding is a massive deal. I can see why they are upset. He should go on his own I think he will regret it in years to come if he doesn’t go

There’s always one

Fyreheart · 21/05/2025 09:15

Autumn38 · 21/05/2025 09:08

He can’t be arsed to use his annual leave to go to his brother’s wedding and he won’t go without his wife organising it all for him. He keeps checking with his wife if he’s made the right decision because deep down he knows it’s a bit shit and wants her to make it ok for him.

he is not ‘a keeper’, he is someone who is lazy about family relationships.

Show quote history

Its 20 hours there and then 20 back - his wife will be heavily pregnant, possibly in childbirth.

I'd say he is conflicted as would like to go but realises he can't, and just wants to make sure he has made the right decision.

I disagree with your 'useless man' view - but thats what makes MN good as we can have different views