Not going to BIL's wedding - is it my responsibility?

[gridlocked]

DH and his brother are not very close. They're quite different characters and have drifted apart over the years to the point that they now barely speak.

A little while back we were invited to BIL's wedding. It's happening abroad, near to where his fiancée grew up. The logistics meant that taking our toddler wasn't really feasible (20 hours travel time each way and an evening start, so DS would miss most of the proceedings anyway) so I offered to stay at home with him and DH would go on his own.

DH however decided not to go. He said his relationship with BIL isn't in a good enough place for him to use the annual leave and money to go without us. I'll also be in the late stages of pregnancy by that point. He thanked his brother for the invitation but said it wouldn't work with DS so as a family we'd be staying at home. Very happy to celebrate with them back in the UK at some other point, however.

BIL seemed to accept this but his fiancée and parents are very angry with us both, and it's difficult to see the relationship recovering at the moment.

DH is pretty resolute that he's doing the right thing but every so often asks me what I think. I've said I'll support him either way but if he doesn't go that is probably going to draw a bit of a line under his relationship with his brother, so he needs to be prepared for that.

Beyond that I'm not sure it's my place to intervene further - is it? I don't like lingering conflict so this all feels quite uncomfortable as I can't see an end point to it. However, that's a bit of a selfish view, and I still don't think it's for me to tell DH what to do either way. Is that fair or is there anything else I can do to help the situation generally?

It’s his choice nothing to do with you. You offered to facilitate him going.

Thanks all - that's a really interesting mix of responses!

To answer a few questions - it's unlikely that I'll be in labour by that point, so I wouldn't be massively concerned about DH being away. It's a complicated pregnancy, though, so there will be regular hospital trips and possibly some stays (as happened with DS).

A few people have asked why I'm making it my issue. I'd be perfectly happy to stay out of it but he has asked for my opinion a couple of times and has form for dwelling on decisions after the event. I just want to make sure it's not something he'll regret, and I'm finding it hard to be objective about that. The mix of views has been helpful there as I think the majority is just about on his side, but it's interesting to see a handful of people say the relationship is unlikely to recover from this.

Oh yes, it'll be a nail in the coffin of the relationship if he doesn't go.

When someone decides to get married abroad it’s completely unreasonable to have any expectation of people attending, including close family even if they pay all the costs and I say that as someone who got married abroad but many years ago, before people seemed to have these unrealistic expectations. In your situation many people wouldn’t go.

If this is the straw that broke the camels back relationship wise I really don’t think it’s a relationship worth saving. DH is putting his family first and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

There’s absolutely no way my DH would have used so much annual leave to attend a wedding when we had a baby on the way. All of his leave when I was pregnant was either used for appointments or saved to use when our girls arrived. I think you’ve made the right choice OP.