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Original poster

Not going to BIL's wedding - is it my responsibility?

55 replies

gridlocked · 20/05/2025 20:56

DH and his brother are not very close. They're quite different characters and have drifted apart over the years to the point that they now barely speak.

A little while back we were invited to BIL's wedding. It's happening abroad, near to where his fiancée grew up. The logistics meant that taking our toddler wasn't really feasible (20 hours travel time each way and an evening start, so DS would miss most of the proceedings anyway) so I offered to stay at home with him and DH would go on his own.

DH however decided not to go. He said his relationship with BIL isn't in a good enough place for him to use the annual leave and money to go without us. I'll also be in the late stages of pregnancy by that point. He thanked his brother for the invitation but said it wouldn't work with DS so as a family we'd be staying at home. Very happy to celebrate with them back in the UK at some other point, however.

BIL seemed to accept this but his fiancée and parents are very angry with us both, and it's difficult to see the relationship recovering at the moment.

DH is pretty resolute that he's doing the right thing but every so often asks me what I think. I've said I'll support him either way but if he doesn't go that is probably going to draw a bit of a line under his relationship with his brother, so he needs to be prepared for that.

Beyond that I'm not sure it's my place to intervene further - is it? I don't like lingering conflict so this all feels quite uncomfortable as I can't see an end point to it. However, that's a bit of a selfish view, and I still don't think it's for me to tell DH what to do either way. Is that fair or is there anything else I can do to help the situation generally?

OP posts:
Pinkflowersinavase · 21/05/2025 09:15

ZenNudist · 20/05/2025 21:02

It sounds ds like your DH has made the right choice if you are heavily pregnant with a toddler to look after.

This is true. You guys made the right decision. The fact they are angry means they are selfish.

Doggymummar · 21/05/2025 09:16

Why would you go when you are already low contact? Massive waste of money.

GoldieFish · 21/05/2025 09:17

cranberryshortcake · 20/05/2025 21:19

Why is the wedding so far away? Did they move to another country and it’s where they now live? Did you move? Is it where her family are from? Or is it a destination wedding because they like the destination?

Anybody having a destination wedding or who lives far away from family and has a wedding in a different country to them should be well aware that several guests will have to say no to a wedding invite. That’s what happens when your wedding is so far away from the guests. Especially if they are heavily pregnant.

That’s on them for choosing a destination wedding.

It's where the bride is from.

They're not unreasonable to invite, your DH isn't unreasonable to decline in the circumstances, they're unreasonable to be cross. I don't quite see why you seem to be taking it on as your issue, though. It was your DH's decision. You were never going.

Rollofrockandsand · 21/05/2025 09:19

Personally I would be encouraging him to go. Given your reasons for not travelling are your child not your pregnancy I can only assume that a likely birth is not imminent and therefore there is no reason for him not to be there.

ButterCrackers · 21/05/2025 09:19

Autumn38 · 21/05/2025 09:08

He can’t be arsed to use his annual leave to go to his brother’s wedding and he won’t go without his wife organising it all for him. He keeps checking with his wife if he’s made the right decision because deep down he knows it’s a bit shit and wants her to make it ok for him.

he is not ‘a keeper’, he is someone who is lazy about family relationships.

Show quote history

Have a think - The op is heavily pregnant and has a toddler. Her dh would want to keep his holidays for his family. He would also most importantly not want to be 20hrs away in case of an emergency with his pregnant wife, birth of their child, looking after their toddler. BIL bride and her family are too selfish to understand this.

lbsherts · 21/05/2025 09:22

So it’s not the brother but his fiancé and her family that are upset. Perhaps sending a pre wedding gift with a letter to the fiancé expressing congratulations and that you wish you could be there but travelling so far in the late stages of pregnancy is not advisable and offering to take them out to celebrate once they come back. Maybe asking if you could join the wedding online so you could still be a part of it. This might help her feel comforted that you and DH aren’t slighting them.

OpenDoorMuriel · 21/05/2025 09:24

Autumn38 · 21/05/2025 09:08

He can’t be arsed to use his annual leave to go to his brother’s wedding and he won’t go without his wife organising it all for him. He keeps checking with his wife if he’s made the right decision because deep down he knows it’s a bit shit and wants her to make it ok for him.

he is not ‘a keeper’, he is someone who is lazy about family relationships.

Show quote history

OP, be honest, is there any truth to the speculation Autumn38 has made? Because a guilty conscience might be what’s bothering your DH.

There’s no question about you attending the wedding OP, but perhaps your DH needs to convince himself a bit more.

MeganM3 · 21/05/2025 09:46

I don’t think it should ever be expected that people use their annual leave and money to travel abroad for weddings.

On the other hand I can see why they are upset and it could be because the reasoning hasn’t been explained clearly to them. I don’t know.
Send a card, a generous gift and check in with them with best of luck / congratulations messages at the time of the wedding.
It’s a shame to have a family fall out because of a wedding DH should do what he can to avoid that, while not going.

jannier · 21/05/2025 13:24

Rollofrockandsand · 21/05/2025 09:19

Personally I would be encouraging him to go. Given your reasons for not travelling are your child not your pregnancy I can only assume that a likely birth is not imminent and therefore there is no reason for him not to be there.

Things happen in late pregnancy for example the need to bed rest in hospital. What's she supposed to do then take toddler with her? Then you have the exhaustion and hospital appointments which are there because of the chances of complications.

TheignT · 21/05/2025 13:38

threelittlescones · 20/05/2025 21:45

I think if people have their reasons for not going and have a chat with their sibling about it then there's no reason for it to cause a fallout. Assuming the reason isn't something really rubbish! My fiancé's sister hasn't even bothered to respond to our wedding invite and it's very soon (the rsvp date has passed) so we're going with they're not coming and I don't see that relationship recovering because there's no reason for it whatsoever.

Show quote history

My sibling would say there was no reason for me not to go. Completely oblivious to what I'd been through. If the RSVP date has passed you have your answer, she doesn't have to discuss her reasons, they might be painful. You need to accept you invited her and she doesn't want to attend.

threelittlescones · 21/05/2025 13:54

TheignT · 21/05/2025 13:38

My sibling would say there was no reason for me not to go. Completely oblivious to what I'd been through. If the RSVP date has passed you have your answer, she doesn't have to discuss her reasons, they might be painful. You need to accept you invited her and she doesn't want to attend.

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Oh we accept it. Her reasons aren't "painful". This is just the type of nonsense his family pull really. But the issue isn't that she isn't coming. It's that she hasn't even bothered to acknowledge the invitation never mind reply to it. And yes she definitely received it.

TheignT · 21/05/2025 14:02

threelittlescones · 21/05/2025 13:54

Oh we accept it. Her reasons aren't "painful". This is just the type of nonsense his family pull really. But the issue isn't that she isn't coming. It's that she hasn't even bothered to acknowledge the invitation never mind reply to it. And yes she definitely received it.

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You don't know her reasons if she hasn't told you. It's clear you don't like her or his family in general, no reason would be good enough would it.

threelittlescones · 21/05/2025 14:38

TheignT · 21/05/2025 14:02

You don't know her reasons if she hasn't told you. It's clear you don't like her or his family in general, no reason would be good enough would it.

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Lol is it clear aye? Don't think so but ok. I can like people and still think they're incredibly rude. And not even bothering to reply to an invitation to your own brother's wedding, for no good reason, is extremely rude.

category12 · 21/05/2025 15:46

I think your dh would have had a better argument if he'd said it was because of your pregnancy: a toddler can have a late night once in a while and often will have a whale of a time at a party with all their rellies.

How far along will you actually be?

Anyway, I think unless you were going near due date, your dh ought to have gone. It might be the damage is already done at this stage though.

Ratisshortforratthew · 21/05/2025 15:53

If you have a wedding abroad - which people are absolutely entitled to do if that’s what they want - you have to accept some people won’t come. I wouldn’t use annual leave and my own holiday budget to go to a close sibling’s wedding, let alone one I was basically estranged from. Let the fiancée be upset and ignore it. Not your monkeys.

Ponderingwindow · 21/05/2025 16:12

My DH can have difficulty navigating these things. It’s not because he is a man, it’s because of his likely, but not officially diagnosed ASD. I am also ASD, but I’m better at this than him.

I would be explicit with my DH and point out that a wedding in the brides hometown area does not count as a destination wedding. That means unless I am close to my due date or there are pregnancy complications, he needs to get himself on a plane and get to his brother’s wedding. He can make it a short trip if he wants and just do the essentials. Not attending will forever change his relationship with his family.

they will understand his pregnant wife and toddler not traveling, but he needs to be there. If it is an issue of money, he needs to ask them for help with the costs.

blacksax · 21/05/2025 16:16

Autumn38 · 21/05/2025 09:08

He can’t be arsed to use his annual leave to go to his brother’s wedding and he won’t go without his wife organising it all for him. He keeps checking with his wife if he’s made the right decision because deep down he knows it’s a bit shit and wants her to make it ok for him.

he is not ‘a keeper’, he is someone who is lazy about family relationships.

Show quote history

Oh look, the bride-to-be has arrived on the thread.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/05/2025 16:20

Given that the DH isn't close to his brother and the bride sounds a right pain is it really that catastrophic if this changes their relationship? Not all family relationships are close ones.

blacksax · 21/05/2025 16:35

With any luck, they will decide to live a 20-hour flight away. Job done.

SamDeanCas · 21/05/2025 16:40

I’d keep out of it, but tbh I think your DH has made the right decision. It’s also the curse of the destination wedding, not everyone will want to, or can attend. As you said it’s not just time and money, it’s annual leave from work and if you’re pregnant there’s another good reason. Any one of those would be enough for me to decline, let alone all of them.

category12 · 21/05/2025 16:42

It's not really a destination wedding if it's where the bride comes from and her family live there.

Got to pick one of their home countries.

NewAgeNewMe · 21/05/2025 16:59

It’s not a destination wedding though is it? It’s in the bride’s home country.

HiRen · 21/05/2025 17:04
  1. What's it go to do with the fiancée?
  2. What's it go to do with her family?
  3. What's it got to do with you?

Stay out of it. Your DH is a grown man, capable of managing his own sibling relationships. It really doesn't take this many adults.

Aihospit · 21/05/2025 17:10

Plan and send a good card, a generous gift.
Check in a week before hand, how's it going, parents are excited about coming, wish I could be there.
Make sure someone giving a speech has a note from you 'congrats, happy day, wish we could, thinking of you love brother, heavily pregnant wife & toddler

Use your words and the power of stationary

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/05/2025 17:25

You are both doing completely the right thing and as someone said up thread, your husband is a keeper.

That said, missing a siblings wedding is a big deal even when the circumstances completely justify it. Could you arrange to take them out for a pre-wedding dinner before they go? After you give birth means the delay will be lengthy?
You could buy them an extremely generous wedding present - a stay in a spa hotel but it's unlikely to improve their brotherly relationship unless it's near to you and you can catch up for example.