I am old and cynical. Please listen to me.

[pellegrina]

Photos do not magically make their way into WhatsApp.
There are no accidental OnlyFans accounts.
Ditto porn addictions, drug abuse or hidden debts. It all started with a choice.
Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. Even if they cry when caught.
Do not be 100% financially dependent on anyone - even if he looks like Brad Pitt, fucks like a duke and does all the washing up - without a wedding ring or a stash of your own/your own home/a plan B.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. Whatever someone else tells you.
Don’t let anyone put you down, belittle you and tell you you’re worthless - and then expect you to cook them dinner.
They’re his kids as well. It’s called childcare, not a favour.
Respect like trust should be earned and mutual. Both should be a given.
You only know your boundaries when you hit them.
You are much stronger and more capable than you think you are.
Listen to the tiny voice inside your head .
Hope for the best but know how to get your ducks in a row. You never know when you might need them. Or how fast.

Feel free to add to my little list.

Love this. 100% agree with you

I’m going to add to this list:
-his mother isn’t “just the way she is”. She’s a bit of a cunt with a bad attitude -she doubles down on people who don’t feed into
-ALWAYS work. A trend l have sadly noticed is often men respect you less when you don’t work
-DON’T give the children his surname. Fine if him or you don’t want to get married, either call them your surname or go double barrelled
-lastly you don’t need to say bye or part nicely with your financially abusive husband (my so called best friend at the time was confused when l didn’t wish to do this)

If you always try to meet him in the middle and he always stands firm, then you will always end up essentially going along with him. You need to stand your ground, at least initially, if he always stands his, because that's the only chance you have of an eventual compromise which doesn't leave you horribly resentful.

Absolutely 💯

Also to add he’s not the sweetest loveliest man in the world just because he puts on a good act the 10% of the time he’s throwing crumbs to show that he’s not a completely controlling manipulative abusive wanker (the other 90% of the time)

A gourmet sandwich that’s made with 10% shit will still make you sick.

Actions speak louder than words. If he’s saying the right things but not doing what he says, he’s stringing you along.
And never accept breadcrumbs. If he’s serious about you, you’ll know without having to wonder.
Also always keep your own finances separate, you’ll never know when you’ll need them.

Very sensible and very true.

Texts and emails he didn’t want you to see don’t delete themselves, or get deleted and wiped out for eternity ‘by accident’ 😂

If he’s hiding notifications, he’s hiding them for only one reason, so you don’t see them.

She’s not just a friend

You’re not his mother, you’re his partner.
Never ever think having your own money is disloyal.
Don’t tolerate learned helplessness.
The day he lost your respect, leave.

Always have money put aside so you can leave at any time and get a hotel for a few days. Having that mind set means you are less likely to get messed about.

also ditch them if they are a crap shag. Life is too short to put up with ED.

And another one. Non negotiable and no second chances or excuses. Ever. Rule number one: a single thump/slap/punch/kick and IT’S OVER. Finished. Done. Get out or get him out pronto.

Non negotiable number two: no means no.

Oh, and that’s two.

If he loves you, he will want to make your life easier.

Nurture your friendships throughout your partnered relationship

I would add to the list that men are rarely "just friends" with other women. If that nice woman in his hobby group or that particularly supportive colleague opened her legs, he'd be in there like a rat up a drain pipe.

His wife isn’t crazy, they’re not only together for the kids and they do still have sex.

A wedding ring is not a magical talisman. You are still fucked if he decides to be a cunt when you split. Earn your own money or have a damn good back up plan.

He's an intelligent man, he can work out how the washing machine.oven/freezer works. If he can Google, he can find out if he doesn't already know, and he can Google 'how to cook fish' if he doesn't already know.

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 yes to all of this.

Yeah, totally agree with this. For some reason, some people are in denial about this. Looking at my friend’s husbands it is always totally clear the ones who would have an affair given half the chance and those that just would not. Those that would not, tend not to invest time and effort into maintaining 1:1 relationships with other women. They spend that time and effort on their wives.

Ditto a baby. Don’t marry a dickhead, but especially don’t have a kid with them (or more kids, stop!!).

He's not a "brilliant dad" if he makes the mother of his children feel like shit

Nothing to add except you ladies rock. They should teach this in schools ❤️

If he doesn’t consider your happiness and isn’t your biggest support and champion, walk away.

If you are young enough or haven’t had kids yet for the love of god please please look at his family how they interact how he’s been brought up is he going to be a good dad? supportive partner ? when you have a screaming baby, you cannot change how he’s been brought up so if you think he’ll be different when you ‘have your own little family’ he really won’t! Run!

I’m educating both my son and daughter they are young but I was brought up on fairytales and it’s not a good grounding in my experience anyway.

He's not "a great Dad" if he's treating you badly, in any form. So many posts about cheating/lying/financially coercive/violent (any combination thereof) men which have that as a reason why the woman involved can't leave.

No. He's not a great Dad if he's any of those things.