I am old and cynical. Please listen to me.

[pellegrina]

Photos do not magically make their way into WhatsApp.
There are no accidental OnlyFans accounts.
Ditto porn addictions, drug abuse or hidden debts. It all started with a choice.
Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. Even if they cry when caught.
Do not be 100% financially dependent on anyone - even if he looks like Brad Pitt, fucks like a duke and does all the washing up - without a wedding ring or a stash of your own/your own home/a plan B.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. Whatever someone else tells you.
Don’t let anyone put you down, belittle you and tell you you’re worthless - and then expect you to cook them dinner.
They’re his kids as well. It’s called childcare, not a favour.
Respect like trust should be earned and mutual. Both should be a given.
You only know your boundaries when you hit them.
You are much stronger and more capable than you think you are.
Listen to the tiny voice inside your head .
Hope for the best but know how to get your ducks in a row. You never know when you might need them. Or how fast.

Feel free to add to my little list.

Be with him because you want to and not because you need to because you don't have other options. Always have your own money and believe what he does, not what he says.

You can have a good life without marriage, without children, without sex, but you can't have a good life without self respect.

Being single is a million times better than settling for a twat just to have any old man.

I am emotionally retired, so this is my take:

It has never been worth it, so I choose not to bother.

Life is so short. You can have an amazing one by cultivating a brilliant relationship with yourself, your friends, and your relatives, dedicating time to lovely hobbies, self-care, and learning new skills. There's a world of fun out there to be had.

The odds are in your favour of having far, far more happiness on your own, cultivating the above, rather than risking your joy, peace, and sanity for some breadbin of a man.

BUT—IF YOU MUST—then make sure you enter into any romantic liaison with a man from a place of contentment and deep satisfaction as a single person. This means that if they start chucking nonsense your way, you will be quick to run back to the sanctuary of that happy single place that you know guarantees satisfaction.

It is very dangerous for a woman to date when they are not happy as a single woman. You will be easy prey for shit men.

Don’t stay just because of the kids…leave because of them. They, and you, deserve peaceful lives.

If someone behaves towards you with contempt, they are showing you who they are. Listen,

Wait always add here that it doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse - don’t put up with it and wait for the push/punch.

Learn to love your own company, spend time alone doing things you love
Learn the basics, oil in your car, how to pump up your tires.
Own a drill and a toolbox
Always be financially independent
Pay into a personal pension as soon as you start working full time
If he wanted to, he would
He should enhance your life
He should be your biggest supporter
Life is too short for mediocre relationships
People's opinion of you, is none of your business
Attitude at work is worth more than skills
Offee to do the jobs at work no one wants to do, you’ll get noticed positively for this. (But don’t let shitty managers take the piss)

There is no such thing in England as a common law wife / husband

your either a wife or not a wife
your either married or not married
marriage is the important bit - the legal contract you sign
a wedding is just a fancy party to celebrate

and if you get married at least try to understand what it actually means - it’s not a fancy day or party it’s a legal contract just like a mortgage or a bank loan is also a legal contract
you sign in it front of a witness

don’t act all surprised when you want to get out of said legal contract and it might cost you a fair amount

and if he is secretive with his phone you can pretty much guarantee there is stuff on it they don’t want you to see

Absolutely agree ladies.

You are not a rehab centre for emotionally immature men

This is so powerful and too much resonates

Never ever have a joint bank account.

Do NOT have a baby and go part time/give up work unless you are married & he is sharing ALL income with you without question. Do Not think it’ll be different for you. It won’t

Any man who does not
a) see his kids
b) pay child support

is not just a red flag. He’s a bloody communist parade.

Dont be that woman. Just don’t - there are zero excuses for not fighting for access to your kids if needed. Only violent or abusive men won’t get access. Only men who don’t give a shit will give up trying to see their kids.
don’t be with either

When they tell you early on that they don’t want children or commitment, LISTEN. Dont try to fix broken men to make it work. When they say the exes were crazy, it’s probably not the exes.

Never be Cinderella within your own marriage. You are entitled to an equal amount of consideration, time and resources.

Just because he is much more certain about things than you doesn't mean (a) he's right or (b) you have to do what he says.

Don't get pushed into decisions on his terms. Take the time and space to figure out what you want too. A proper partner will listen and try to figure out a proper compromise. Otherwise you're conceding your own happiness, and indeed ability to make your own decisions, for the sake of a relationship and future you won't thank you for it.

This a hundred times.

You don't have to have kids.

I'm always puzzled when I hear the phrase 'He beats me black and blue but he's a fantastic dad' or words along those lines. I think,how can a man who treats the mother of his kids as a punch bag be a 'fantastic dad'?

If you have ever seen him be horrible, belittling, rude or very inconsiderate to his mum, run for the hills. That’s how he thinks it is appropriate to treat women.

I wish this fabulous thread could be renamed to something that more women would read! "what (straight) women need to know" or something. "Wise advice from women who've been there"

Do not put up with men disappearing off for days on end to drink / do coke. Why does this even need to be said? Bin. Now.

If your childhood has been difficult/abusive/lonely, what feels like love in later life, probably isn't.

Work on finding out how to love yourself first.

An abusive man can appear delightful most of the time. A genuinely good man will never do something abusive. Abusive behaviour is never a one-off, it's an indication of what's under the polished surface, and that polished surface will wear off over time.