I am old and cynical. Please listen to me.

[pellegrina]

Photos do not magically make their way into WhatsApp.
There are no accidental OnlyFans accounts.
Ditto porn addictions, drug abuse or hidden debts. It all started with a choice.
Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. Even if they cry when caught.
Do not be 100% financially dependent on anyone - even if he looks like Brad Pitt, fucks like a duke and does all the washing up - without a wedding ring or a stash of your own/your own home/a plan B.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. Whatever someone else tells you.
Don’t let anyone put you down, belittle you and tell you you’re worthless - and then expect you to cook them dinner.
They’re his kids as well. It’s called childcare, not a favour.
Respect like trust should be earned and mutual. Both should be a given.
You only know your boundaries when you hit them.
You are much stronger and more capable than you think you are.
Listen to the tiny voice inside your head .
Hope for the best but know how to get your ducks in a row. You never know when you might need them. Or how fast.

Feel free to add to my little list.

'fucks like a duke' ?

One hopes that this is not a reference to someone that one might know...

100%. All of this. We should be teaching this!

Always have a secret running away fund

Unless one of you suffers from infertility you can have a baby at any time. You don't have to have one as soon as you get together with someone. A man who really loves you will want to wait a while so you can both get to know each other and build a home for the baby. He certainly won't use it as a bargaining tool.

if you do have fertility issues then it's far better to face that with someone you love who treats you well.

Love all of this

Lots of women (if not most) don’t choose to be financially dependent and don’t have the option to save money as an “escape fund”.
If you have a career, it’s reasonable advice not to give it up, but many, many women who become financially dependent are not highly educated or skilled and are low earners or they have problems (health, mental health etc) that prevent them from working.

This is not cynicism: this is wisdom. Thanks for sharing 🙏

I would add: always trust your gut, over manners, customs and political correctness.

I hear you. All the more reason to be very careful — and not to forget that a wife gets looked after legally. A girlfriend does not. Kids or no kids.

Adults don't sulk when they can't have what they want.
Touching you and more in your sleep is not acceptable as you can't consent.
Having sex when you don't want to because it will make your life easier in the long run is coercion.
If you are walking on eggshells, it is time to leave.
If something feels off, trust that feeling.
It wasnt 'just a joke'. You do have a sense of humour, but insults and putdowns aren't funny, no matter how many times they are directed at you.

If he doesn’t clean the toilet he won’t change nappies when you have a baby.

Anyone can cook. Anyone can use a washing machine. Penises don’t stop these tasks from being done.

A man who wants to date you/have a baby with you/marry you will tell you so and do it.

Marriage is not a gift a man bestows on a woman, you’re an adult woman not a damsel waiting to be rescued. It should be a joint decision.

Engagement isn’t an end, it’s a step along the way and confers no rights or responsibilities. It’s a ring and/or some words, it’s not the same as marriage.

A child is not a bigger commitment than marriage.

Absolutely not !

Ex-wives may get spousal maintenance and a share of assets as well as child support.

Ex-girlfriends only get child support.

If your career and earning power is going to suffer, even temporarily, from having kids, then this is something to be aware of.

There are many women who are SAHPs or part-time workers, shouldering the burden of childcare and housework and lifework, maybe paying for living expenses while their partner keeps the house and mortgage in his name. If you're in that situation and you're not married then you're vulnerable as fuck.

He doesn't babysit for you. He parents his child.
If you're scared to bring something up with him LEAVE.
If there's money and time for his hobbies there's money and time for yours.
HE CANNOT TAKE YOUR KIDS OFF YOU!

This would make a great song along the lines of 'Everybody must wear sunscreen'.....

Pay attention to how he speaks about women.

Don’t aim to save or fix a man, don’t waste time ‘training’ them how to be decent, raise the bar, only enter a relationship with someone with your level of integrity

If a man isn't genuinely enhancing your life, you do not need any further evidence or justification to end the relationship.

You do not owe any new, or potential new man a date, the benefit of the doubt or a second chance.

If you start off bending over backwards to please him, by the end he'll have bent you so far your back is broken.

Housework is not a gender role, it’s a learned skill, he just needs more practice.

say no early in a relationship, and run a mile from anyone who sulks, gets jealous, or otherwise tries to control you. Even if they dress it up as concerned.

partners shouldn’t be projects, it’s not your job to fix them at the expense of yourself.

if he isn’t making your life better, you’re better off single.

Domestic appliances are not operated with a vagina.

Don’t ditch all your friends the minute you get together with a man - maintain friendships best as you can

don’t make a man your whole life- he should be part of a life

dont get involved with men with champagne tastes and beer money wages- the reverse can be a bit shit too depending how tight you are personally

be a bit wary of men who always turn their phone over and get very twitchy if you so much as look at anything over their shoulder or on their screen

Absolutely this.

For example, if he will not compromise with you about money and saving etc, then don’t argue for ever about it. You can’t win. Split your income after mutual expenses and save your own. He really isn’t the boss of decision making , including those decisions by default because he won’t budge. Only if you allow him to be.

He ain't the boss of you
Jealousy isn't sweet. That's not love, it's possession.

He doesn’t lie to protect you or because you made him lie - he lies because he’s a liar

More than one crazy ex strongly suggests he is the problem

Any man who has children and doesn't make an effort to see them blaming her? Isn't worth your time it's a couple of hundred pounds to take someone to court you can self rep with a little effort any man who doesn't think his kids are worth a try isn't worth it

Claiming to know you better than you know yourself = red flag

No-one will love you like I do = red flag

Not paying child support = red flag

Claiming the mother of his children is abusive and LEAVING his children in that situation = MANY red flags