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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel like I have been betrayed.

81 replies

Starchild55 · 20/05/2025 16:20

I found out on my partner's phone he had a secret Facebook account. Where he was messaging men pretending to be me , sending them private photos of me and awful sexually very violent and graphic messages between other men . He was also looking up gay clubs. When confronted he says he was sexually frustrated because I'm going through the menopause. I'm gutted, so hurt by it .I feel he has been cheating on me but he's says that's not true he messaged men because if he messaged women then it would be. It's awful behaviour and I feel so let down by him .

OP posts:

its2346 · 21/05/2025 10:37

I couldn’t get past this level of betrayal.

And even if it felt really uncomfortable to do, I’d go to the police. I’d understand that this isn’t ’unfortunate behaviour’ it’s actually a crime, and his ability to do this makes him a risk to myself and other women.

I’m so sorry OP. Please keep evidence for when you feel able to do more.

BMW6 · 21/05/2025 10:42

I'm not judging - just asking!

Phobiaphobic · 21/05/2025 10:43

Starchild55 · 21/05/2025 07:26

This is what I have said to him
Let me get this straight. I caught you lying. You denied it. I proved it beyond any doubt… and now you’re mad at me? Really? After everything, you’re the one who's angry? Not because you were caught, not because you feel guilty, but because I had the nerve to uncover the truth?

Let’s rewind for a second. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I trusted you. Even when things didn’t quite add up, I still tried to believe in you. But instead of being honest, you doubled down. You looked me in the eye and lied — repeatedly. And still, I kept hoping there was a reasonable explanation.

But when I found the proof — undeniable, concrete proof — and laid it out in front of you, you didn’t apologize. You didn’t explain. You didn’t even flinch. You got defensive. You turned the situation around and made me the villain for daring to confront you with facts.

That’s what gets me. It’s not just the lie — it’s the gaslighting, the manipulation, the complete lack of accountability. Instead of being remorseful, you’re offended that I figured it out. Like I broke some unspoken rule by not continuing to play dumb.

So let me say this clearly: If the truth makes you uncomfortable, maybe the issue isn’t that I exposed it. Maybe it’s that you thought you could keep hiding it forever. And if that shatters your illusion of control, that's not my fault. That’s reality catching up to you.

DARVO
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Common narc tactic.

Calliopespa · 21/05/2025 10:59

NorthernLights5 · 21/05/2025 10:11

OP, go to the police, when/if you're ready and only if you want to. I had some very judgemental people berating me for not pressing charges against my ex when he raped me but the police told me there was no point and I know how hard court is for sexyal crimes because it wasn't the first time it had happened to me.

You will be in shock. The first thing I would do is try and make sure you're safe. Is there anyone who can stay with you or anyone you can stay with? He may have given other information about you such as your address.

I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. It's terrible. Don't let him place any blame with you at all. Please try and get some real life support if at all possible and look after your mental and physical health as best you can.

All of this op.

I think it is an issue for the police BUT I also fully grasp this is a real person to you - a person you are only now realising has a whole other side.

It’s a lot to expect you to feel ready to approach the police. That might come but it’s in your time. I can understand your need to stall on that move.

But please do remove yourself asap. And I’d go quietly and without alerting him.

ghostyslovesheets · 21/05/2025 12:17

BMW6 · 21/05/2025 08:02

Why haven't you taken the evidence of his criminal activity to the Police????

Because she’s just found out, because she’s in shock, because she needs time to process, because it’s scary and final, because she doesn’t want to yet or ever?

all the reasons women don’t report rape and violence

it’s HER choice

Lifesdramaneverends · 14/09/2025 11:04

I am sorry to hear this has happened to you.
Saying that if it was woman that it is betrayal is a load of shit and I think you both know it. He has violated your privacy sharing photos without your consent, I am sure there is a law about that now. He has broken your trust. People tend to look a get out of jail free card and spin the problem. "its not a woman" "I am sexually frustrated as your going through menopause." Yes YOU are going through menopause not him. What about your feelings? What about your frustration? Have you started inappropriate messages to others? No! Yes he has feelings so do you. It your actions that make you who you are. Only you know whether you can move forward together with this. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, including him. Do what is right for you.

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