Feel like I have been betrayed.

[Starchild55]

I found out on my partner's phone he had a secret Facebook account. Where he was messaging men pretending to be me , sending them private photos of me and awful sexually very violent and graphic messages between other men . He was also looking up gay clubs. When confronted he says he was sexually frustrated because I'm going through the menopause. I'm gutted, so hurt by it .I feel he has been cheating on me but he's says that's not true he messaged men because if he messaged women then it would be. It's awful behaviour and I feel so let down by him .

Him 'cheating' is the least of your worries. Your husband has sent sexual pictures of you to other men, whilst pretending to be you, and has exchanged graphic and violent sexual discussions with them. This isn't the behaviour of a sexually frustrated man, who's wife is going through the menopause - this is a sexual deviant, who is fantasising about sexual violence with other like-minded men. The likelihood is your husband has always had these fantasies, they haven't suddenly appeared because you're going through the menopause. They've always been there, you just didn't know it, and now you do. His behaviour is not normal on any level. It's a big huge red flag. Please please don't be naive. He has just shown you his true colours. Personally, I couldn't be with a man who violated me in this way, it's a huge betrayal. It's one I wouldn't forgive.

This. He has committed a crime and you need to report it.

@Starchild55

Please post this in ‘Legal’ and ask for the legal implications. Your arsewipe of a partner has committed a serious sexual crime. DO NOT let him gaslight you or manipulate you into thinking you are the one to blame (ffs every single woman goes through the menopause…this is NOT how their partners behave!)

Take some time to gather yourself (you’ll be in shock from this betrayal) and then act…strong and hard!

Every woman here will support you through this.

Every woman here will support you through this

yes x give yourself time to process all of this - come back here as often as you need - be gentle on yourself and seek legal advice and professional support.

we are here

Police, ASAP before he deletes any evidence.

Please contact the police, he has committed a crime and potentially put you in actual danger from other deviant men. Don't make excuses or blame yourself, this is entirely his doing, and he should be made to face up to it.
Get him out of the house and don't let him back.
Keep yourself safe.

You poor thing. This is absolutely awful. I have no advice other than to consider talking to the police. Or at least someone you trust in RL or log it with women's aid at the bare minimum. They should be able to support you OP.

He has committed a crime. And, of course, completely betrayed you. He is utterly vile. Run

You don't feel like you've been betrayed - you have been betrayed.

What a despicable man, and then refusing to acknowledge his disgusting behaviour by blaming you. If he has been impersonating you online, then I think that might be a criminal offence, especially if he has done anything like share photos of you.

He sounds dangerous. These are the actions of a deviant who may very well enact his fantasies in real life. Report him to the police before he does.

This is appalling OP.

You must tell this perverted man to leave.

Consider also reporting him to the police also.

Agree with PP who have mentioned Gisèle Pelicot.

This is nothing to do with your menopause. It’s 100% to do with his fetishes and perversions.

I’m so sorry. 💐

You poor thing. How awful. You definitely need to contact the police it is a crime. Definitely read about gisele pelicot. This is not something i could ever forgive or move past. It is the biggest betrayal. I would also suggest you get tested for stds as it sounds like he is gay and could well have met up with others and engaged in sexual acts. Be kind to yourself this isn’t your fault.

If these photos are sexual/nudes he’s breaking the law. Either way he is absolutely disgusting, has no love or care for you and I’d get out of this quick before his deviant behaviour escalates.

If you’re doing something in secret because you know it’s likely to upset your partner then you’re in the wrong. I’m not sure I’d call it cheating, lots of couples define this differently but what your OH has done is a huge betrayal of trust. He needs to own his actions, I’m pretty sure if the tables were turned he wouldn’t be happy

I agree with @MoreChocPls : you need to be safe and protected from the creepy pervert. Gisèle Pelicot comes to mind!

Another agreeing you should speak to the police but I wouldn't tell him that I was going to. What an awful person. I hope you have somewhere safe to go to.

She was exactly who I was thinking of.

What he's done is despicable.

Why is your self confidence on the floor? Not about this k hope as you've done nothing wrong. But you need to get some sharpish to deal with this disgusting thing. He's not a man.

He has committed a crime, OP. In your position I would divorce the fucker and go to the police.

I'm getting major Dominique Pélicot vibes here.

Please go to the police because they may be able to contact the men he contacted pretending to be you and let them know it was all a lie and done without your consent. They will also be able to put you in touch with victim support.

I feel that it’s important these men know it wasn’t you in case any of them do see you out and about or actively try to find you and you are vulnerable to unwanted attention or their approaching you when you’re alone somewhere.

I temper watching a show years ago where a man pretended to be a woman and joined a dark fantasy website where pretending to be her he arranged for a man to break into her home and rape her as that was her supposed fantasy, being raped by a burglar. It was a ruse to kill her and put the blame on the burglar/rapist who would be the prime suspect.

Obviously this is an extreme but it showed how easy it was for the husband to pretend to be his wife and arrange the set up.

This is what I have said to him
Let me get this straight. I caught you lying. You denied it. I proved it beyond any doubt… and now you’re mad at me? Really? After everything, you’re the one who's angry? Not because you were caught, not because you feel guilty, but because I had the nerve to uncover the truth?

Let’s rewind for a second. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I trusted you. Even when things didn’t quite add up, I still tried to believe in you. But instead of being honest, you doubled down. You looked me in the eye and lied — repeatedly. And still, I kept hoping there was a reasonable explanation.

But when I found the proof — undeniable, concrete proof — and laid it out in front of you, you didn’t apologize. You didn’t explain. You didn’t even flinch. You got defensive. You turned the situation around and made me the villain for daring to confront you with facts.

That’s what gets me. It’s not just the lie — it’s the gaslighting, the manipulation, the complete lack of accountability. Instead of being remorseful, you’re offended that I figured it out. Like I broke some unspoken rule by not continuing to play dumb.

So let me say this clearly: If the truth makes you uncomfortable, maybe the issue isn’t that I exposed it. Maybe it’s that you thought you could keep hiding it forever. And if that shatters your illusion of control, that's not my fault. That’s reality catching up to you.

please for the love of god tell me you have kicked this utter creepy fuck out of your house and life? He actually sounds deranged.

He didn’t flinch and got defensive because he is broken to the core he is extraordinarily entitled and selfish and most likely narcissistic.

He is a VERY dangerous man and this is a police matter.

He is highly abusive and what he has done is illegal.

This is not something that can be forgiven, moved on from after he shows he is ‘very sorry’. Your relationship is dead. There is no going back from this. You stay and you are at sever risk.

Contact the police and get rid of him.

It's illegal and devious and this man needs to be shown the door and take him for every penny the coward he is trying to blame you for his own behaviors.