Trouble trusting DH after finding photos

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I'm struggling trusting my DH after I saw photos on his phone. He been very possessive of his phone for years which roused my suspicions. Some were screenshots of women mastubating and in erotic poses. But others were nonsexual of one particular woman. At first DH denied knowing who the woman was but after I descovered they were from instagram he admitted it was his former colleague of 10 years ago, let's call her Claire. He denied having an onlyfans account but it turned out he did but denied ever paying but when I looked at his credit card statements it turned out he had! He also had an account with many vids (porn, similar to onlyfans) which he made regular payments. It also turns out that he has some sort of foot fetish that I knew nothing about. He had pictures of women's feet and screenshot of porn vids of a man sucking a women's toes. Screenshot of a conversation with another former colleague revealed that he had a thing for Claire's feet especially her red pedicures. He denied speaking to Claire since she left but he had screenshots of conversations as recently as 2023 and has admitted to messaging her since she left. He admitted to having feelings for her once and mastubating to her pictures. He also admitted to having a fantasy of cheating on me with her but claims to no longer having feelings for her and only looked her up on instagram because he hadn't spoken to her for a while and wanted see how she was doing. It also turns out that he had a secret phone that he set up another WhatsApp account. He claims he got the phone ages ago from work and forgot about it then when he found it he set up a WhatsApp account because he was bored. I don't think he is physically cheating with her because we live/ work in different areas but I don't know if anything happened in the past. He claims it didn't but I just don't know. I think he must still have unresolved feelings for her. All of this came out in drips over the space of a few weeks. Our sex life has been nonexistent and he has stopped putting in effort in me or our relationship but we still talk, laugh, kiss and cuddle and generally get on well. He says he loves me and broke down in tears (he's not a cryer) saying he feels awful and wants to be a better husband. He has a history of lying/keeping things from me.
Sorry for the long post!

He won't change. We can all turn on the tears and he might even be sorry in the moment, but he still won't change. Why don't you take control and tell him to go?

Grim. This has been going on throughout your relationship it seems, he’s unlikely to change now. And even once you discover what he had been doing he still lied.
Would you ever want sex with him again?

He won’t change, it’s been going on for over a decade. Why would you put up with it?

That’s a heck of a lot of ‘he denied this then admitted it’ and ‘he denied that then admitted it’.

I think if you very understandably want to draw a line under it and make a fresh start with a divorce then you’ll get lots of help here.

He's a serial liar and essentially a cheat. It's all very well to turn on the tears when you get caught, but he clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

LT lying, gaslighting B.

Yeh sounds like someone that might not change OP.

I’m so sorry but he’s been cheating on Only Fans and I think having an affair of some sort with Claire.
Nobody, but nobody has a second burner phone plus WhatsApp account because they are ‘bored’. Ever.
Don’t listen to the minimising, forgetfulness, messaging apps to use when bored, utter lies about paid for Only Fans interaction and this Claire. He’s desperately trying to keep you in the dark.
I know this is so hard to wrap your head around, but this man isn’t who you thought he was. He has lied, is lying and will keep on lying unless you make it clear that he tells the truth, deals with these issues and gives you full access to his devices. He can’t be trusted currently so act accordingly.

He’s full of shit.

When he tells me nothing happened between them, I do doubt it. Is that the general consensus here? I have been so emotional these last few weeks and I just don't know what to believe. He keeps promising nothing physical happened between but because he has lied about so much over the last few weeks alone I just don't know. Eugh I'm a wreck! When I asked him why he kept it from me all these that he was in contact with her, he said it was because he knew how I would react and jump to conclusions. To me it sounds like he has/did have deeper feelings for her.

He's still lying to you. His fetish won't just disappear and he's obviously still hung up on that girl.

My advice walk away with your dignity intact.

He has went to some lengths for boredom. No one gets a separate phone, seperate messaging app, hide pictures, pays for online content , has private conversations with someone they know personally out of boredom.

he is drip feeding you information. I feel there is more to come. Have you thought about contacting her regarding the nature of their relationship. No accusations don’t lower yourself just ask her for the truth. You are more likely to get it from her than him

I also think that if I hadn't found the pictures, onlyfans account or phone he would still be carrying on.

Of course he would. He has a serious problem, team that with not being sexual with you and it’s a proper betrayal

Even if nothing has happened it sounds like he wants it to.

You deserve better than this!

Please leave him, it will only get worse.

He's a cheat and a massive sleaze. Do you really want to share your home with someone like that, someone who habitually deceives you, someone you don't really know? You'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder and tying yourself in knots to be perfect to stop him doing it again. It's an awful way to live, I did it, never again.

What a weird lying bastard!!!

OP your DH has fed you a pack of lies, and he's still not being truthful with you !

He's minimizing and denying all over the bloody place, so you already know you can't trust him.

You'll NEVER be able to relax and trust him again, so there really is no future for the two of you. He just wants to keep his live in cleaner/cook/shopper/laundress etc while he carries on with another woman, paying for only fans etc

Do yourself a favour and tell him it's over to spare yourself the constant anxiety and rows when you ask him anything, as there's absolutely NO scenario where he has an 'epiphany' and changes his entire character and sexual preferences.

That's just it, he does feel a bit like a stranger now. I also feel so ugly and repulsive. Before this came we went away to a nice hotel and he didn't touch me once

Erm wouldn't matter to me at this point wether he had done anything or not. I value myself so much more than living with a lier and would have been away long before now

Sti test tomorrow op.

You deserve so much better than that
get the process started and kick his sorry arse out

The constant lying would be the deal breaker for me. How can you trust anything he ever says?
The rest of it would turn me right off him.

He’s been cheating OP. Paying for sexual gratification elsewhere on OnlyFans is more than enough for me.
I think still looking at photos of Claire ten years later tells you her level of importance to him, he’s clearly got a foot fetish and liked her ‘red pedicures’ which he clearly got turned on by. All behind your back and wholly inappropriate. Whether it was physical or not is neither here nor there to me. If it didn’t get that far he clearly wanted to.
Trust your gut, you don’t need randoms to tell you this, you know why you’ve been feeling so awful. It’s called ‘cognitive dissonance’ : a very uncomfortable feeling caused by trying to hold two opposing views at the same time, they can’t both be true. Of course it’s understandable that you desperately want to believe he’s not a cheat (and who in your position wouldn’t?) but the evidence you have is pretty full on and grim. He can’t be the nice guy you thought he was and at the same time do this stuff behind your back. You’ve got all the proof you need and then some.
Minimsing, trivialising and amnesia are the tools of the trade of a cheat who just got caught. Believe me, unfortunately I know.