Trouble trusting DH after finding photos

[Rougeroute]

I'm struggling trusting my DH after I saw photos on his phone. He been very possessive of his phone for years which roused my suspicions. Some were screenshots of women mastubating and in erotic poses. But others were nonsexual of one particular woman. At first DH denied knowing who the woman was but after I descovered they were from instagram he admitted it was his former colleague of 10 years ago, let's call her Claire. He denied having an onlyfans account but it turned out he did but denied ever paying but when I looked at his credit card statements it turned out he had! He also had an account with many vids (porn, similar to onlyfans) which he made regular payments. It also turns out that he has some sort of foot fetish that I knew nothing about. He had pictures of women's feet and screenshot of porn vids of a man sucking a women's toes. Screenshot of a conversation with another former colleague revealed that he had a thing for Claire's feet especially her red pedicures. He denied speaking to Claire since she left but he had screenshots of conversations as recently as 2023 and has admitted to messaging her since she left. He admitted to having feelings for her once and mastubating to her pictures. He also admitted to having a fantasy of cheating on me with her but claims to no longer having feelings for her and only looked her up on instagram because he hadn't spoken to her for a while and wanted see how she was doing. It also turns out that he had a secret phone that he set up another WhatsApp account. He claims he got the phone ages ago from work and forgot about it then when he found it he set up a WhatsApp account because he was bored. I don't think he is physically cheating with her because we live/ work in different areas but I don't know if anything happened in the past. He claims it didn't but I just don't know. I think he must still have unresolved feelings for her. All of this came out in drips over the space of a few weeks. Our sex life has been nonexistent and he has stopped putting in effort in me or our relationship but we still talk, laugh, kiss and cuddle and generally get on well. He says he loves me and broke down in tears (he's not a cryer) saying he feels awful and wants to be a better husband. He has a history of lying/keeping things from me.
Sorry for the long post!

He's a sleazy lying arsehole and you would be better off without him. He's not nice to you, he sounds addicted to porn and he is using family money to pay for his fetishes. He is the opposite of a good and kind husband. It will be difficult at first, but it will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders when you don't have to deal with this any more.

To hear the opinions of others....to talk about it with someone other than DH. Reading my posts back I'm shocked by how it all sounds. This is a man who I've loved and trusted for dyears, who I've shared a life with and now I'm all over the place emotionally. I suppose I wanted to hear others confirm my suspicions and that I'm not letting my imagination run wild and that yes I'm well within my rights to feel the way I do and that I'm not imagining that it's worse than it is

Trouble trusting him?

That's because you're not made of stone. You may have trusted him blindly in the past, but your eyes are opened now. It will take time to adjust to the reality of the situation but at this point if you trust him, you're digging your own grave.

Im sorry, it's heartbreaking when you are betrayed like this.

@Rougeroute - you are of course justified in feeling the way you feel about finding those pictures, etc.
Can I ask about your sex life - and what happened in your relationship when intimacy stopped?

I suppose I wanted to hear others confirm my suspicions and that I'm not letting my imagination run wild and that yes I'm well within my rights to feel the way I do and that I'm not imagining that it's worse than it is

we are
youre not
you are
you're not

honestly he's just one lie after another!

there's no ash you'll ever be able to trust a word he says!! It's no way to live. You deserve better than this.

you need to leave him to save yourself. I know it's not easy,at all, but he's not the man you thought he was & he won't ever be. Give yourself the opportunity to have a much better relationship than this. It's hard I know, but you WILL thank yourself in years to cone. Dong throw more good years away on him.

Not good not trustworthy

If you can get out - then I urge you to do so.

For the love of all things foot fetish please stop focusing on Claire. Claire is one of many women to have turned his..head… Claire is not even Claire to him. Claire is Claire the Pair. He has a thing for her feet 🤮🤢 and when his mind wanders to her he wants to have it off with her. He will also have loads of other Claire types he wants to have it off with. He likely has had it off with a bunch of them. But literally who cares? The issue is not Claire or his potential love for her or her feet. She will literally be just one of many women he thinks about in a week. You just know this one’s name. It’s not Claire, the cam girls, the neighbour, woman at the gym (ew is he eyeing everyone’s feet at the pool or yoga studio? Yet another thing we have to worry about with men). The issue is not YOU. You are not ugly, nor do you have unsexy feet. He isn’t having sex with you for one, or both, of theses reasons: a) he thinks he might have STIs and doesn’t want to risk giving you anything or b) he is a sick fuck who gets off on weird fetishes and he knows it’s gross so he can’t bring it up to his wife because he thinks she’ll pack him off to the circus and his life will be ruined. And bonus c) it’s always a lot more fun doing it behind someone’s back.

I’ll repeat: the problem is not Claire.

Have you thought about ways to get your sex life going again? If you've only just learned that he likes feet that raises questions - why has that never come up before? Can you make yourself attractive to him again? The breakdown of intimacy has to be resolved together, it doesn't help just to have a pile-on here about what a terrible guy he is.

Fuck that shit.

@Rougeroute leave. You can’t trust him because he is a liar and he has zero respect for you. You’ll always be second guessing his movements and feeling like you are going mad. Thats what he’s done to your relationship. Know that there are better options in life than this crap. Have you got kids?

Please say you ltb? Have a feeling you've only discovered the tip of the iceberg..it wouldn't surprised me if he's physically cheated. He's clearly only thinking with his dick but yet he doesn't go near you?! You will never be enough for someone like him

You'll be forever questioning his every move FOREVER if you stay. He won't stop, he'll just get better at hiding it. He's fucking gross