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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trouble trusting DH after finding photos

61 replies

Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 15:45

I'm struggling trusting my DH after I saw photos on his phone. He been very possessive of his phone for years which roused my suspicions. Some were screenshots of women mastubating and in erotic poses. But others were nonsexual of one particular woman. At first DH denied knowing who the woman was but after I descovered they were from instagram he admitted it was his former colleague of 10 years ago, let's call her Claire. He denied having an onlyfans account but it turned out he did but denied ever paying but when I looked at his credit card statements it turned out he had! He also had an account with many vids (porn, similar to onlyfans) which he made regular payments. It also turns out that he has some sort of foot fetish that I knew nothing about. He had pictures of women's feet and screenshot of porn vids of a man sucking a women's toes. Screenshot of a conversation with another former colleague revealed that he had a thing for Claire's feet especially her red pedicures. He denied speaking to Claire since she left but he had screenshots of conversations as recently as 2023 and has admitted to messaging her since she left. He admitted to having feelings for her once and mastubating to her pictures. He also admitted to having a fantasy of cheating on me with her but claims to no longer having feelings for her and only looked her up on instagram because he hadn't spoken to her for a while and wanted see how she was doing. It also turns out that he had a secret phone that he set up another WhatsApp account. He claims he got the phone ages ago from work and forgot about it then when he found it he set up a WhatsApp account because he was bored. I don't think he is physically cheating with her because we live/ work in different areas but I don't know if anything happened in the past. He claims it didn't but I just don't know. I think he must still have unresolved feelings for her. All of this came out in drips over the space of a few weeks. Our sex life has been nonexistent and he has stopped putting in effort in me or our relationship but we still talk, laugh, kiss and cuddle and generally get on well. He says he loves me and broke down in tears (he's not a cryer) saying he feels awful and wants to be a better husband. He has a history of lying/keeping things from me.
Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 20/05/2025 16:25

Save yourself the overthinking. What ever has happened will be worse than you have found. You can’t know the extent of it, you will have discovered the tip of the ice berg. And you know you can’t trust him. He has lied continuously. You will never trust him again, so the only thing you can do it end the relationship and build yourself a better life, and keep your dignity.
Separating will be hard in the short term, but staying would be much much harder in the long term. Leave now while it’s all still painful and fresh.

KidsDoBetter · 20/05/2025 16:26

Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 16:04

When he tells me nothing happened between them, I do doubt it. Is that the general consensus here? I have been so emotional these last few weeks and I just don't know what to believe. He keeps promising nothing physical happened between but because he has lied about so much over the last few weeks alone I just don't know. Eugh I'm a wreck! When I asked him why he kept it from me all these that he was in contact with her, he said it was because he knew how I would react and jump to conclusions. To me it sounds like he has/did have deeper feelings for her.

just be very aware he is a) minimising and b) lying. This is only what you’ve caught him at.

Original poster
Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 16:31

I just feel so sad because it feels like it has been a lie.

Another thing I remember about 7 years we went through a rough patch when he really wasn't very nice to me - little digs and comments. No sex life, no cuddles or kisses and basically like he didn't want to be here. When I brought it up with him recently he just says he doesn't remember and it could've been when he felt depressed.

And on his phone there was a selfie of a woman in à bikini who he said worked with them and it was going around the office after she sent it to someone, when I asked him why he had sent it from his phone 10years after she left he claims to have no knowledge.

OP posts:
OpenDoorMuriel · 20/05/2025 16:32

I think that paying for onlyfans out of the family money is also gross. You don’t say if you have kids or even have joint finances to be fair, but part of the marriage IMO is that funds are shared towards joint ventures and building a combined future. Even if your finances are totally separate, he can’t save as much as you because he’s using his disposable income for porn. What if you were on mat leave - where women are often financially worse off - and he could only give you so much because he needed £x for porn? Hardly reeks of a guy that’s long term invested in a future together. What’s he going to say to his kids in the years to come, “sorry I couldn’t save towards your uni fees but satisfying my own needs was more important”?

PickyTits · 20/05/2025 16:34

He's for the streets, put him out with the trash. No one should accept that kind of behaviour. As for 'has it gone further, hasn't it', save yourself the mental gymnastics of it all, he's hasn't just crossed the line once he's dancing all over it (and you too)!

It might be hard to get over the relationship but not as hard as it will be spending the next 20 years constantly living with anxiety wondering if he has another phone, another account, another woman, another fetish...

GreatTheCat · 20/05/2025 16:36

He's lying and cheating on you .

Do what you want with that information

Original poster
Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 16:36

OpenDoorMuriel · 20/05/2025 16:32

I think that paying for onlyfans out of the family money is also gross. You don’t say if you have kids or even have joint finances to be fair, but part of the marriage IMO is that funds are shared towards joint ventures and building a combined future. Even if your finances are totally separate, he can’t save as much as you because he’s using his disposable income for porn. What if you were on mat leave - where women are often financially worse off - and he could only give you so much because he needed £x for porn? Hardly reeks of a guy that’s long term invested in a future together. What’s he going to say to his kids in the years to come, “sorry I couldn’t save towards your uni fees but satisfying my own needs was more important”?

You are totally right! It angers me so much that he's used family family. That he has put his own sexual gratification before anyone else

OP posts:
MsDDxx · 20/05/2025 16:37

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 20/05/2025 16:21

Sti test tomorrow op.

Doesn’t sound like it’s necessary - they have no sex life.

LemonLimeOrangeKiwi · 20/05/2025 16:39

Urgh.

The loser is only crying tears for himself, not because he hurt you.

Original poster
Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 16:39

MsDDxx · 20/05/2025 16:37

Doesn’t sound like it’s necessary - they have no sex life.

Show quote history

Silver lining 😂

OP posts:
mixedcereal · 20/05/2025 16:46

I almost stopped reading this halfway through….leave leave leave. There is no coming back from this

SchrodingersTwat2 · 20/05/2025 16:48

Does he ever tell the truth?

Don't waste your life.

Bittenonce · 20/05/2025 16:48

Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 16:04

When he tells me nothing happened between them, I do doubt it. Is that the general consensus here? I have been so emotional these last few weeks and I just don't know what to believe. He keeps promising nothing physical happened between but because he has lied about so much over the last few weeks alone I just don't know. Eugh I'm a wreck! When I asked him why he kept it from me all these that he was in contact with her, he said it was because he knew how I would react and jump to conclusions. To me it sounds like he has/did have deeper feelings for her.

It doesn’t matter if anything happened with her or not. You have no sex life, husband with secret fetishes, phones, onlyfans etc accounts who is a compulsive serial liar and denier. He can cry and promise all he likes, but you can never trust him, it’s time to run not walk.

Catoo · 20/05/2025 16:56

Honestly OP, it really doesn’t matter if he shagged her or not. I doubt it. He spends too much time getting off to foot fetish stuff and OF.

He’s appalling. A complete liar. One who pays for porn. He also makes you feel like shit.

The title of your post should be ‘Having trouble trusting DH who hasn’t said anything true that I know of’

It would be a no from me.
I’d be seeing a solicitor to see what divorce would look like.

💐

ukathleticscoach · 20/05/2025 16:56

As he likes toes give him the boot

Original poster
Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 17:02

He does get impatient with me when I bring it up and says I can't keep going over it if we're going to move on

OP posts:
Lostinmyself · 20/05/2025 17:03

Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 17:02

He does get impatient with me when I bring it up and says I can't keep going over it if we're going to move on

if you choose to stay with him the least you deserve is answers. Fuk what he thinks

whataboutyou · 20/05/2025 17:06

Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 16:07

I also think that if I hadn't found the pictures, onlyfans account or phone he would still be carrying on.

He probably is still carrying on, or has momentarily paused until he’s sucked you back in. If you don’t leave him then you have a lifetime of this to ‘look forward to’ and you’ll only have yourself to blame.

Original poster
Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 17:14

whataboutyou · 20/05/2025 17:06

He probably is still carrying on, or has momentarily paused until he’s sucked you back in. If you don’t leave him then you have a lifetime of this to ‘look forward to’ and you’ll only have yourself to blame.

Show quote history

That's what I think, how will I ever trust him again! He had drinks after work the other day celebrating some job and I completely lost it thinking he was with another woman!! (In fairness to him he did only stay for 30 mins and I saw on his Google that he was where he said he was but I don't want to be like this every he goes or checking his phone and credit card)

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 20/05/2025 17:16

Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 17:02

He does get impatient with me when I bring it up and says I can't keep going over it if we're going to move on

So if you can’t move on, then move apart. You can’t trust him, that’s not a fault in you; he’s not trustworthy, start thinking of separation, how would that be?

Original poster
Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 17:18

I just want to say thank you to everyone for listening. I've been bottling it up because I don't have any one to talk to about this

OP posts:
TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 20/05/2025 17:19

Does it actually matter in terms of what you do moving forward, whether he has or not had a physical relationship with ‘Clair’?

He is a lying piece of shit, who does not respect you or your marriage 🤷‍♀️

He won’t change.

HappyintheHills · 20/05/2025 17:19

Rougeroute · 20/05/2025 17:14

That's what I think, how will I ever trust him again! He had drinks after work the other day celebrating some job and I completely lost it thinking he was with another woman!! (In fairness to him he did only stay for 30 mins and I saw on his Google that he was where he said he was but I don't want to be like this every he goes or checking his phone and credit card)

Show quote history

That’s no way to live, watching, waiting…

Picklepower · 20/05/2025 18:06

Urm what is your question here? He repeatedly lies, gets caught and lies again, wanks over work colleagues, pays for porn. He sounds genuinely revolting. What advice are you even after here? You know what the answer is

Loubelou71 · 20/05/2025 18:10

Masturbating over Claire....I'd have already left